I’ve fought God, I admit it.  I have said “God I know what you want of me” and then stuck my head in the sand .  I have followed in Jonah’s steps and said “God, your joking, right?”

 

Though I believe God enjoys laughter with the rest of us (sometimes probably at the rest of us) He is often very convincing in the severity of what is expected of me.  I feel a little like a toddler (ok, maybe it was actually me yesterday) that stomps her foot, arms folded, chin out…saying “NO!”. 

 

I’m still here.  Lightening did not strike, but I heard a calm and firm “YES” in my spirit.  “Ugg”, says the rebellious teen in me, “I can not do this!”.  All I hear deep in my soul is “Yes, you can and you are going to”.  He says this because I trust Him, and He knows I trust Him.

 

Why is it at times in my life, where God is moving in such a real and visual way, I rebel?  Why is it so hard to give to my Father who deserves EVERYTHING? 

 

I think as an adult I’ve become more aware of the sin in my life.  I like to think that’s a good thing…except it’s not always so easy to get rid of.  I hold onto it like a guy with the remote during the Super Bowl.  Yet “I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do., but what I hate I do”.   Does that sound familiar?  It should, Paul said it in Romans 7:15.

 

God has given us an amazing book and an amazing pathway to Him through prayer.  There is no answering service saying “All lines are busy now, please leave your name and number and we will get back to you as quickly as possible.”  That’s not the way God works….He doesn’t work the way the world does.  If He did I would not be as convicted as I feel so much of the time.  If He did I would not see the works of His Hands daily delivering the message of the lost and alone.  I would not see the everlasting Hand of my Father leading my way…against my arrogance and stubbornness.

 

How do we get back to Him.  How do we get beyond our preconceived notions of what’s right for our lives and back to what God is showing us?  How do we get off this path that seems to plod on planned…school, family, kids, career, college, retirement, vacation….on and on we plan….giving God little in the decision making process.  There are so many things we take for granted in this life….so many decisions that we assume we can make. 

 

I cannot figure myself out…I petition God for an answer and when He gives it to me I stomp my foot.  When am I going to grow up?  Yet there is some point where the light bulb goes on.  Where I unfold my arms and choose to be blessed.  That’s what it is you know…a blessing.  It may come in the form of something painful or scary, but God knows what we need to grow outward toward Him.  He’s blessing us.  The choice is ours though, do we want to choose to be blessed or stumble through the alleyways of life in the dark, missing out on the sweet aroma of blessing that pervades the air.

 

I don’t know if my stubbornness will ever disappear, but here are just a few things that happened to me when I surrendered.

 

I received God’s son…salvation and Grace through Him.

I forgave myself because it was not up to me to be responsible for another’s choice of salvation.

I found my children half way across the world.

 

I could not live with the consequences of ignoring God on any of these.  Actually, I don’t know if ignoring God is possible.  I’m thinking of a whale, but that’s just me. My whale came in reading words that convicted my spirit.   My whale came in lack of sleep and a hand squeezing my heart until I listened.  My whale came in the speech of others that I could not ignore. My whale came in dreams.

 

This is not to say at times I have not done my best to ignore Him.  This is to say that when I’m at my best I do not ignore Him.

 

 I am diligently trying to put down my boxing gloves. I am pulling my head out of the sand as quickly as I can.  I am uncrossing my arms and relaxing my chin.  I am letting go of the teen rebellion, and finally I am exiting the belly of my whale and saying…..

 

 

For those who may wonder what the above blog has to do with adoption…it can have everything to do with listening to God…which is how adoption starts.  It is so easy to fight God saying ,”God, this is too much to ask.  I am tired.  I’m not the most healthy.  We are so busy all the time as it is.”  Fortunately, God knows so much more than we do and when we put away those preconceived ideas of what our life is supposed to be like….the results are AMAZING.  When we choose to be blessed….the world expands beyond what we could ever imagine.

This was in my heart today.  I didn’t write it out of judgment… but it was written out of   love mixed with anguish.  It was one of those days I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs “Please someone do something!”.  We go to our Heavenly Father and He guides us in His will.  This I am SO thankful for.  Please don’t take this as condemnation of anyone, but a heart filled with overflowing love for these little ones, knowing many are called elsewhere, but my heart does ache for many Christians who have the opportunity to be blessed and just say “I can’t”.

 

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Walking down the street, it is hard sometimes knowing that around the world children are setting alone.  Some are  rocking to comfort themselves or kicking stones down a dirt path.  Others are walking down the side of the road with their infant brother tied their back.  All these children have one thing in common, they have no one who calls them “my child”.

 

Tom loves football and is all teen…with a huge heart and desire to spare others feelings.  He is my child.

 

 My heart  breaks at the thought of  tears streaming down a child’s face as they cry at night…not wanting anyone to see…they wait in an orphanage not knowing if anyone will ever call them “my child”.

 

Sarah has this crazy sense of humor…she also has an amazing heart and desire to serve our Lord and Savior.  She is my child.

 

I wish my heart could express the torrent of tears as it breaks for these children. The child who tries to swallow as fast as she can as the food is shoveled into her mouth…spilling out just as fast…knowing she won’t have another chance to eat today.  .Her body is wasting away as the nutrition fails to make it into her system.  Nobody cares for her….she strains to feel the hope that someday someone will call her “my child”.

 

 Anna is very dramatic.  She is in tears if a bug dies…but those same tears indicate a sensitive spirit that cares for all living things.  She is my child.

 

I feel like my heart is actually torn when I think of the last time I walked out of orphanage number two in Moscow, Russia.  All those little ones looking back at me.  Many with special needs that were considered unadoptable…setting in soaking clothes because even in this day and age there is a fear that if they touched them they may “catch” something.  In all likelihood, these children will never have someone call them “my child”.

 

 Max is more stubborn than any of our other children.  Yet this stubbornness kept him alive and will glorify God when devoted to Him.  He is “my child”

 

I watched stretchers be born away as we drove through the street of Ethiopia.  Bodies covered with colorful blankets.   Another family drenched in devastation…another child orphaned.  The agencies may never find them.  They may wander the street remembering when someone called them “my child”.

 

Bekah has hit three full force…she likes to get her way.  She is also a child so filled with a joy that it is overflowing.  She is my child.

 

I bow my head in prayer.  Begging…pleading for the conviction of just one person who used to say “I don’t know how you do it.  I couldn’t handle any more.  I already have my child”.

 

God’s very nature holds us and nurtures us.  His eyes look on these little ones, all alone.  He holds them when no one else will and He always says, “This is my child”.

 

“I can’t God”.  “I won’t God”.  “I can’t ask you God, because I don’t want to know your answer”.  “Please don’t ask me”. “I already have a house full of children”.  “I have too much on my plate. I can’t call another child ‘my child’”.

 

At last I think of the little hand, smooth…smelling like the dirt they were just playing in, slipping into mine.  Seeing the joy lighting their eyes at this gift. The joy of a gift that will give this little one hope, security, and love.   This  gift is just four little words.  Words that every child longs to hear, yet many never get to hear them.  Four little words that God tells us every day….

 

“You are my child”.

 

In the current economic climate, I’ve heard story after story of the struggle of many American families.  I think we all have.  There were 650,000 foreclosure filings - which include notices of default, auction sales and bank repossessions - issued in the first quarter of 2007. That represents one of every 194 households.   We’ve heard of retirees losing the bulk of their investments that were supposed to provide for them.  I think many feel the economy hitting them in the stress of their work environments…layoffs and cutbacks loom for so many.  Government bailouts…a quick fix for a long term problem, but not a solution.

Unfortunately, we often forget that the economic situation in the U.S hurts more than just Americans.   Many orphans wait in orphanages around the world.  They wait for mommies to forgive them for writing on the refrigerator, for daddies to flip them, giggling, upside down.  They wait for love.  Some are in wonderful orphanages…as wonderful as they can get, not being a family.  They get picked up and tickled. They get snuggled for a few minutes when it’s possible.  They get fed.  Unfortunately, there are other children in orphanages who lack the basic necessities of touch, food, and care.  They rock themselves for comfort since it comes from no one outside them.  They are not even on the U.S. weight charts.   They may be so malnourished that it has now stunted the growth of their heads.  Malnourishment starts with weight, then the height is affected, then finally the head circumference.  This IS NOT some kind of scare tactic or even written to “guilt” anyone.  This is the truth.  I have seen it.  We have seen it in our own precious blessings. 

 

Many Americans are either financially hurting or fearful living in this insecure economy.  Starting an adoption that may cost $20,000 at a minimum may be too daunting a task in this day.  Children wait while we juggle finances and wonder what the future holds.

 

Please don’t think this is to say that everyone is called to adopt…that is a decision between you and God.  This is to say that there are children that can’t even understand the concept of “three meals” a day or the concept of “snuggle time”.  This is to say we as Americans…we as Christians need to question what we are doing.  Are we even praying? Have we ever said to God, “It doesn’t matter what I think I can handle, what do you want me to do?”.  This is not said to diminish the hardship or need of families domestically.

 

This economy is also hurting the agencies.  I personally know of a wonderful agency that has blessed our family immensely.  They are struggling along with all those businesses out there.  Most agencies have humanitarian efforts around the world…if these agencies go under so do many of these efforts.

 

 If they go under because of the lack of adopting families then the circle begins…the children need families, agencies facilitate this, families feel they can’t adopt in a climate such as this,  agencies suffer, children don’t find families, agencies fail at the one job they care about, agencies humanitarian efforts start to disappear, the children/families don’t get the aid they need, more orphans are made, children need families, agencies facilitate this….do you see the circle?

 

This is heavy on my heart today.  There is no easy fix.  We need to be praying…praying for these children, praying for families to open their hearts that may not have previously, praying for the agencies. 

 

God may not put it on your heart to adopt.  You may be an AMAZING prayer warrior for these little ones...but please consider this…talking to God just once and saying,

“It doesn’t matter what I think I can handle, what do you want me to do?”

 

May God put His Hand on you all as you journey through life glorifying Him.