Decisions, Decisions, Decision

      You Have Decided to Adopt, Now What?

    After Realizing our call the research started.  We tend to be those annoying people who research everything.  In this case it turned out to be a good thing. 

     There are a few main questions that need to be answered as you start this process. 

                              Finding an Agency  

          We looked everywhere.  We searched the net, asked for references, asked our pediatrician, but somehow, in this high-speed generation, we didn’t look in the phone book.  This is how we found a wonderful Agency called “Hope International” in Dallas, TX.  After the endless searching, researching, and phone calls, we dialed a number that changed our lives.  We didn't think  "Hope" was a Christian Agency and we weren’t even sure that we should  call.  That was until the previous executive director Susan answered the phone and we found that not only was she a member of the Church of Christ, but all of the staff are Christians as well.  Not only this, but their office was only 40 minutes away.  We were to find out the many benefits of this later on.

     After all this research we had such a peace that gave us a knowledge that this agency was the one for us.

     When researching agencies we found there are some necessary questions to ask.  Remember a lot of money and time are going to be spent with these individuals so it’s important to make sure the agency you choose is legitimate.  These are our suggestions.

1. Is the Agency licensed within your state?  Are they accredited?   Are they Hague Accredited? Though you may pick a country that is not a "Hague" country, the agency (including Home Study Agency-if different) should be Hague Accredited. These questions are very important.  The licensing and Hague Accreditation are especially mandatory.  Some Agencies (including ours) are not  accredited, but work with agencies that are accredited/licensed with other countries.
2. How long has this agency been in operation?  What is the experience of their main staff?
3. Will they provide references?
4. Are they a Christian Agency and/or are there Christian Social Workers  and Adoption Advocates that you can predominantly work with within this agency?  This is important because not only will you be working closely with these people, but you will be inviting them into your home, be providing them with the most intimate details of  your life, and sharing with them an experience that will change your life forever.  Our Adoption Advocate was a wonderful woman named Dawn that made the whole experience a joy for us.  It does matter.
5. Do they specialize in international or domestic adoptions?  What Countries do they work from?

Established Program Verses New Program

Some pick a country before they pick the agency.  This section is

There can be pros and cons in adopting from an agency that has a new program in the country you wish to adopt from.  Here they are.

New Program

Pro- Wait for referral may be shorter due to a shorter waiting list and in the long term you may be a blessing in helping this agency create an established program.

Con- You run a risk in a less experienced program of the agency missing something important.  They may not have all their “ i’s” dotted and “t’s” crossed.  They may not have much in the way of in country staff or  knowledgeable advice on places to stay etc.

Conclusion-It is not a bad thing to go into a new program.  God may be using you to bless this agency so that their program does become established, but you need to realize that you need to have patience as the agency is discovering the in’s and out’s of this particular program.

Many Agencies have programs that have been running longer and are established in the country you wish to adopt from.  Here are the pros and cons.

Established Program-

Pro-  The Program may run smoother with few glitches.  They may have more in country staff and may be able to give you more important advice such as where to stay, what to do and not to do, best place to exchange money, etc.

Con-  Your wait may be considerably longer (due to a longer waiting list).

They may not be as personable as the recently established programs.  There are more people for them to tend to so they don’t have as much personal time for you.

Small Agency Versus Large Agency

    We have experienced both a small and a large agency and recommend the small agency if you have the option.  Though you need to make sure it is a reputable agency, a small agency will be able to hold your hand and walk you through your adoption with compassion and a definite personal touch.  “Hope International” has done exactly that with us. 

     The large agency may have resources the smaller one doesn’t, but in the computer age it is not as detrimental as it otherwise may have once been.  We have the ability to do some of our own research and if you have a good agency then they are doing it as well.  Large agencies are definitely not bad, please don’t take that out of this. 

     There are advantages in a large agency of possibly more experience due to more completed adoptions, but we treasure the friendships, personal touch, and caring we have found with a smaller agency.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly-How to Judge the Bad Stories and Rumors You Hear About A Specific Agency.

Unfortunately, rumors abound when researching agencies. Some ARE first hand accounts and some are SAID to be first hand accounts.  Some are based in reality of working with an irresponsible agency.  Some are based on a misguided view of what agencies are responsible for or should know. 

How do you wade through this to find the truth about an agency? Many agencies will have at least one family that is unhappy for some reason or another.  Does this make the agency irresponsible? No, but it does mean you need to use discernment to try to discover the truth about why this family is unhappy.

I had joined an online group whose purpose  was to get adoptive parents together to share information about agencies.  When asking about the agencies we were considering, an argument ensued.  We heard horrible stories and great ones.  People started stating that the “good” reviews could be that employee’s of the agency may have slipped through the screening process just to give good reviews.  The negative could be attributed to adoptive family (either angry at an agency or suffering from misconceptions) becoming a member more than once. The family could then lie and say they are more than one family (making up different stories) and rationalizing it as “helping someone else”.  This situation was not helpful to me.  I could not discern the truth.  Could everyone be telling the truth? Yes, but I could not tell and there was a lot of anger.  I left the group feeling more confused than ever.

The Good, Bad and the Ugly-The Agency

It is our instinct to trust other adoptive families above an agency.  We don’t always know if this is wise.

 We have heard said, “Well, with the agency, it is a business…why would an adoptive parent take the time to lie when they are busy with everyday life and a new child?”  Here is our answer.  “Why would anyone lie?” We need to also look at the fact they may not be lying, but have, as we stated earlier, a misconception about what agencies can be held responsible for. 

Does this mean we are all pro-agency and not pro-adoptive family? NO!  We have actually taken an agency off our “Agency Recommendations” list because of a family’s horrible ordeal.  Horrible and awful things DO happen.  Agencies can be unethical…looking at a child as a product they need to move, verses a child that needs a family.

There are six common complaints I have heard about adoption agencies.

1. My child had medical problems when coming home.  My agency didn’t tell me about it.

Agency’s Responsible-If the agency has their own orphanage they can expect their doctors to be truthful in diagnoses.  They can expect their employee’s to be responsible and honest.  They can let go those who are not.   They can be expected to diagnose the obvious and inform the parents.  If they do not, they are not being ethical, but dishonest.  If the agency has a doctor that refuses to diagnose something obviously wrong then, though it may not be the agencies fault, it is their responsibility. 

 Agency is Not Responsible - The agencies have to trust their liaisons in country. Liaisons can make mistakes. They are human.  Some things may be undiagnosed and just, as with a biological child, we cannot know what the future holds.  If they do not have their own orphanage, but pull from a country's orphanage then they may have no recourse when they are not being told the truth.  They should inform the parents that they are getting conflicting information.  The children still need homes and it may be the only orphanage to work with in the area.

2. My agency lied to me.

This may or may not be true.  I believe many of us have heard someone claim lie when it is just their perception of what was said, not reality.  We all have our own perceptions.  Then again, they really may have dealt with a dishonest person.

3. My Agency did not walk me through it or “hand hold” during the process.

Agency’s Responsible-We believe in “hand holding”.  To us this just means that an agency answers your questions (or tries to find the answers), lets you know how things should be done (in order to prevent mistakes), and keeps you informed of everything they do know.  Though some feel they don’t need it, we feel that to be as informed as possible in an adoption is wise.

Agency is Not Responsible-Some things they honestly do not know.  They need to say that and reiterate that they have no way to get the information.

4. Once I received my referral, they did not give me much information, including about travel. 

Some agencies have access to information you may want (their own orphanages) and some don’t (using the country’s orphanages).  Some agencies work with a country’s orphanage that may have as many as 300 children and cannot be expected to have as many updates.  The travel is the same way.  Some agencies are all encompassing on travel arrangements, some are not.  This just needs to be something you personally need to decide if you can handle.  With the bulk of information out there on travel, this part is not as hard.  You can ask your agent and ask a Country specific Yahoo Group.  They have a wealth of information.

5. It says something about how an agency handles a mistake and they were awful when they made one with our family.

This is very true.  Mistakes happen and if they are a good and ethical agency, they will be kind and try to aid you in some way when it happens.  We do need to remember the words “perception” and “discernment” though.  The agency possibly could have done all that was possible, but the adoptive family felt there should have been more.  In addition, we need use discernment by finding out what the problem was and if the family is relying on truth or perception.  We have heard some very true horror stories of how agencies can act.  It would surprise some people, the ugliness. 

6. They barely contacted me after the adoption in country and I arrived back.

Most agencies do not have a lot of contact after you arrive in country.  Often you will get one call and reminders (and invites) after post placement occurs.  This is not uncommon.  Our agency here is like a family and some agencies become that.  You may hear from them more regularly.  That is not always the way it is though.  This is another reason it is crucial to have a support network. 

The Adoptive Family

Many adoptive families can hold the key to discovering how your agency deals with real life situations.  Their insight can be priceless.  Listen to the stories and use discernment in finding the truth.   The more you know the family, the more you can usually trust them.   As I stated earlier, we took an agency off of the “Agency Recommendations” list after finding out about a horrible mix up and the agencies cruel reaction to it. 

HOW DO I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO BELIEVE?

So, how can you tell who you should believe?  This is the difficult thing.  The answer is this.  You need to pray.  Pray for discernment to be able to tell the truth from misconceptions or outright lies.  You need to seek God.  He will lead you.  If you do not have peace about an agency then you should not go with them.  God will give you peace.

When deciding on an agency we felt we were being led to, we received no peace.  It didn’t feel right.  What we later found is that God was leading us to the orphanage the agency worked with, not the agency. 

Differences Between Agencies

                           Agency Recommendations:

(See "Domestic Adoption" for Domestic Adoption Agency Recommendations.)

Here are a few agencies that we can recommend:

Christian Agencies:

 3. Gladney Center for Adoption-Though we have never had personal experience with this agency, this is one of the few agencies we have only heard good things about.

6300 John Ryan Dr.

Ft. Worth, Texas 76132-4122

Telephone: (817)922-6000

Web: http://www.adoptionbygladney.com

Non Christian Agency

Please understand that just because it is listed as a non Christian agency, this doesn't mean that there aren't some wonderful Christians that work there.

1. Wide Horizons for Children- This is the agency that we worked with in conjunction with Hope International.  They are very reliable and professional.  We had a Christian case worker that blessed our journey.

38 Edge Hill Rd.

Waltham, MA.   02451

Web: http://www.whfc.org

Contact email: contact@whfc.org

The following agencies we have no experience with or insight on.  We are listing them since we have done research on the agencies with less stringent rules.  They are the agencies that usually allow twinning, pregnancy during the process, and many other issues.  Again, we have no intimate knowledge of these agencies.  Please research, research, and pray before deciding on one of these.  We did not list all addresses and phone numbers, but you can find them easily on the web.

1. Dove

2. Adoption Avenues

3. Hope

4. AAI

International/Choosing a Country

          My husband and I knew from the start that we wanted to adopt internationally.  Children here in the U.S. need homes every bit as much as the precious children overseas.  And though some are in deplorable situations right here in the U.S., the Institutionalized children in so many developing countries are struggling for even the basic necessities.  Our own son was in the 5% in weight and the 90% in height when we arrived back in the states with him (and he had gained weight).   Every child has a right to love, but international adoption just happened to be our decision.

         We initially thought about Guatemala, and other South American Countries.  Russia never occurred to us.  We didn’t care what color our child’s skin was, only that he was ours.  We had chosen an agency though, and they only worked (as all agencies do) with specific countries. 

       It was strange, all through this process of choices we had people constantly talking of Russia, from “My neighbor adopted from there” to” my sister used to work in a hospital there.”.  None of these things changed our minds though.  It was a little story about a young boy adopted by a couple like us that already had biological children. 

    "When the time came to take custody of their son, the caregivers asked for  his clothes back (it was winter) and all he was wearing was a thin sweater and a pair of pink stretch pants. "

    We found Russia had around 700,000 orphans (since communism fell it had doubled).  This number has risen since 2003 and is now 880,000.  The need is everywhere, but after much prayer and searching we decided on Russia.

    With our second adoption the choice was simple for us.  We hadn't planned on adopting any time soon, but God led us to the wonderful journey of bringing our little girl  home from Ethiopia.  He actually put Ethiopia on our hearts before adoption.  Almost seven percent of the entire population are orphans (4 million).  We couldn't ignore such a staggering figure.  We know the child of our heart is there and we can't wait to hold her!

Here are some questions that may help you when deciding on a country.

1.      What is the need and what are the situations that these children reside in?

2.      What are the ages of available children?  Are boys or girls predominantly available?

     You may have a set age in mind.  In some Countries children

     may not become available until they have been in the custody

     of the Country for a certain amount of time.  Some countries

     may also require that the child be available to their own

     citizens for a set  time before they become available

     internationally. Countries like China have predominantly girls

     for adoption.

3.      What is the Cost of this program?

            We are hesitant to put cost as a question, but you need to go

            into adoption with knowledge of every obstacle that you may

            face.  Keep in mind that a cost sheet provided by an agency  

            my not contain all the fees (including travel).  Without going

            into detail, my husband and I went into this process not having

            the money, but knowing that this was God's will and that He

            would provide.

4.      How many trips to this country are required to bring my child home?  Are we both required to go?

      Countries have many different adoption laws.  Some may

      require 2 trips.  Some may require only one parent to go.

      Some may  require you to remain in country for an extended

      (compared to other programs) length of time.  Some

      countries you may not even see the child offered until you take

      the 1^st trip.  All Countries vary.

5.      How long, on average, does the process take?

6.      Does the Country have any age requirements for us as parents? Can we have any other children? How many? Do they allow single people to adopt?

7.   Does the country have other requirements that may or may not qualify me for the country?

These are just a few of the questions that may aid in your decision.  The only other, and most important, thing we can suggest is PRAYER.  God led you this far and he will continue. 

Boy or Girl? Age? More than One? Health? Special Needs?

 BOY OR GIRL?  

     After having a boy and two girls, it was a pretty easy decision for us on whether to ask for a boy or girl.  Our son, T.C., put it best when he said  “Mom, I feel girl trapped!”.

     This may not matter to you, but now is the time to decide if you haven’t yet.  You may just want to go where the need is.  You may have always dreamed of a boy or girl being your first child.  You may already have a boy or girl and want the other in your family or  You may just know. 

AGE?

     Age may be an important factor for you.  You need to decide how old is the oldest you will accept.  How young is the youngest?  The need is great for older children, but you may also have more issues to deal with.  Are you capable of handling (as much as you can know now) issues an older child may have?  

     In some countries the minimum age of the child available for international adoption may vary.

HEALTH?

     This is one of the hardest issues that you will have to decide in the adoption process.  You will be asked this question and it’s a good idea to discuss it now.  You need to decide (through talking/praying) what physical or mental disabilities you would be willing to handle and could cope with.  Remember, like any child, you never know what could crop up. This is a necessary step in the adoption process but will not guarantee anything.  This just lets the agency know that you do or do not want to go into this adoptive journey with the intention of adopting a seriously handicapped child.

SPECIAL NEEDS?

     Many children may be considered a special needs child (also referred to as SN).  We believe, in some ways, that all adopted children are special needs.  All of them have suffered loss and many will have medical conditions due to neglect or life before the orphanage. Our wish at this point is to talk about those little blessings that have more than just the "normal" medical conditions the adoption community usually sees. 

     In some European countries all children available for adoption are usually listed as having a special medical condition.  Often it is a condition that is easily remedied and would not be listed in the U.S..  These conditions, in certain areas of the world, are listed only because adoption laws of that country forbid the adoption of a completely healthy child. 

     Many, even serious, medical conditions can be treated or cured successfully in the U.S..  Our daughter had active TB and is completely cured.  Medicines are not as widely available outside of the U.S. as we would like to believe.

    We encourage you to think about your ability to parent a special needs child.  When we are pregnant we cannot tell what issues we may face.   These children are gifts from God whether their medical issues are curable, manageable, or terminal.  We are bringing these precious gifts into our families.  They are blessing us exceedingly.  We pray we can be a blessing to them.

MORE THAN ONE?

     It really was surprising to us that much like Sam's Club (it’s sad saying it this way) it is less expensive to adopt 2 children at the same time (in many countries).  If you know you wish to adopt more than one child (in the long run) you may think about this option. 

      The only concern we have is that there is no Institutionalized child that has no issues.  We have three biological children and the “so called” experience that goes along with that fact.  There were things that were hard adjustments for our Max AND for us to know how to deal with.  There are minor issues we are still having to face and we have been very blessed with no major issues. Multiply this by two if you have decided to adopt more than one.  In no way do we mean this to discourage you.  There is nothing more wonderful and that will bless you more than a child and especially two.  They may be a major comfort to each other during the difficult transition time.  We just believe in being fully prepared.

The following is a question that we have heard more and more lately.