The Reality of Being Home

      Wow, it’s been a long journey.  Things may go smoothly at this point, but as we’ve said a million times in this website (and your probably getting sick of hearing) every child is different. 

     When we arrived home, we had different issues pop up with Max.

He was under weight (90% height and 5% weight…he had gained weight too!).  He had a hard time sleeping and for the first couple of weeks he woke up a lot (even though we had his crib in our room).  He had eating issues.  He was so used to not eating enough that he didn’t naturally know when to stop eating and would make himself sick if we didn’t limit him ourselves.  He was easily over stimulated (such as the grocery store-See Preparing For Your Child) and would bite and kick. As parents of 3 biological children we thought we had experienced a lot, but biting and kicking was new to us. 

     Life changed a lot when we brought number four home.  We have a few (as usual) recommendations to make the transition easier.

1. Remember the scented lotion (See Preparing for Your Trip).  Have anyone giving constant care to your child in the first few weeks wear it.  Thomas, even though he went immediately back to work, still wore it…knowing that it would consistently make him more familiar to Max.
2. Limit visitors.  Like with a newborn we recommend you limit visitors for a couple weeks.  Let your child get used to you and your family without overwhelming your new little one.  We know the urge is to celebrate with the world….but please have patience and give it time…you will benefit in the long run, making the transition easier.  Bekah had a difficult time attaching to anyone other that Kat.  It was necessary for us to go for a few months with only our family (including grandma, who has an daily role in Bekah's life) holding, feeding, and bathing her.  We needed to supply all her needs so that she would depend on us.  Remember she was attached to her biological family, then the nannies at the orphanage, and now we were asking her to attach to a third family in less than a years time.  Months of only us holding him was not necessary for Max, but it was very necessary with Bekah.
3. Notify your insurance and take your child to the pediatrician within a few days of returning.  If your Dr. doesn’t have experience with the adoption of foreign children you will need to come prepared with what tests are recommended for a child adopted from your country.  You can find this information by contacting your agency (they may have it), the web, books, but what we recommend the most is finding a Doctor that does specialize in adoptive children and (even if they are not your Dr. OR don’t take your insurance) asking him or her if they have a list of recommended tests.  Many of these Doctors are VERY kind and even if you are not a patient, will provide you with a list to give your pediatrician. 
4. Also, it is a good idea to ask your Pediatrician what services are available in your area for children who may need some therapy to bring them up to age level.  Many services are provided free of charge and will even come to your home (depending on the state you live in).  We suggest you wait a couple months (for most adopted children) before having them evaluated.   If your child has an obvious issue, beyond neglect, proceed immediately.  Otherwise we recommend waiting a little because of our own personal experience.  We found that when in a loving home many children will progress quickly just by interaction and encouragement.  We believe you will get a more accurate evaluation, finding out what the real issues may be, if you wait just a month or two.  Remember this is just an opinion and the best thing to do is ask your Doctor.
5. Check with you agency and find out what you need to do to get an American birth certificate, Social Security Card (you will definitely want this for Taxes), re-adoption, and American Citizenship.  Legally your child will be awarded citizenship (since 2000), but you will have to apply for it if you did not see your child before court.  Ask your agency about follow up Home Visits.  Your agency is also a wealth of information if you have any questions.  
6. Sleeping- We had it set in our mind to have Max sleep with us to encourage bonding.  It was a good idea, but he was used to being in a crib, in a room with many other children.  What we ended up doing is having his crib in our room (so he had the company and felt safe).  He slept better this way.  The moral is this, be flexible.  You may have an ideal of how the sleeping arrangements will work out, but your child may have other ideas.  You may be of the mindset that your child will immediately sleep in their own bed and room.  This may not work.  Your child may need comfort and security and you want them to get it from you.  This is not a normal child in some ways.  You have taken your child from everything they have ever known and though they are now surrounded in love, adjustment time is necessary.  Go with the needs of your child. 
7. Eating- Watch for allergies.  Introduce only a couple new foods at a time (if you can).   Watch to see if your child has a natural limit set and will stop themselves if they get too full.   If you find the older child hording food or raiding the cupboard in the middle of the night, we have heard it suggested that you get a plastic box (with lid) and put food in it that is just theirs, by there bed at night, so they don’t feel the need to hoard.
8.   Have your reference books and those that have been through it available.  DO NOT HESITATE TO ASK FOR HELP.  Every new mom and dad, whether by adoption or not, needs to have a support system and will need to ask for help at some point (even if it’s just advice).  This does not mean you have failed or your stupid.  This just means your human.

9 .      Nursery/Church/Preschool-

        a.  Make sure those in a position to take care of your children have  

       had some form of background check done.  This is not a

       guarantee, but a good principle to stand by. Most Church’s

       insurances even require this now.  Your child does not know the

       language (or may be too young) and cannot express if something

       did happen to them OR even worse may think this is the way it’s

       supposed to be here and not tell you.

 b.      When we brought Max to nursery for the first 4-6 weeks, we 

       stayed in his little class with him. For around two weeks after that 

       we stayed around the area of his class and popped our head in so

       that he knew we were always around.  Your child may be very 

       insecure.  You are the only security your child has here.  Bekah is still not in the nursery at 10 months since we brought her home.  She regressed severely when we left her in the nursery only one time.  This is something you will just have to play by ear and use your heart to decide.  You’re not wrong no matter what you decide as long as you’re trying to do what’s best for your child.

10. We have heard and experienced that it takes about 6 months for things to begin to feel 100% normal.  Sometimes it will be easy and quick, but often there is a transition period.  Discipline is often lacking in an orpahanage and limits needs to be taught.  Insecurities or food hording can take place.  There may be many transitional issues that you will need to lovingly and prayfully focus on.  Often you will need to treat a child as if they are younger.  They often miss a nurturing and bonding stage at an orphanage that can aid them in attachment.  The book "Attaching in Adoption" talks about this.  Bekah took a bottle from the time she arrived home until the age of two (to aid in attachment).  At 6 months Bekah had a MAJOR breakthrough, but it took a year for us to see no transitional issues that Bekah was still having.

11.Prayer-Remember, in everything, to pray….God will see you through whatever you may face.   Read the Bible and don’t let your spiritual life suffer or for that matter your health….they are all tied in together.  Your child will need you to be healthy spiritually and physically so that you can be the parent God wants you to be.