There was a small grave-side gathering. The larger funeral had to wait until I could afford it. This is from the initial gathering.

February 18, 2008, 6:00 am

For Carl:

To My Beloved Carl,

I could not write anything until this morning. It took me many hard hours to write what will take me less than five minutes to read, but it all comes from my heart to Carl’s spirit.

Carl’s spirit is strong; I hope he is smiling. Carl told me many times that he was not afraid of death, but he loved life and hoped to live a very long time.  We were supposed to grow old together.

He called me his better half. I called him my other half because I didn’t like the term “better.”

Carl had the best eyes in the world. When he smiled, his whole face smiled. He had the most wonderful laugh. I loved petting his hair. When he hugged me, I knew I belonged in his arms. He had magical kissed. He liked to pet my cheek. I miss our touching and loving, talking and laughing. Carl is my love; he is also the best friend I have ever had.

Carl was the only person who could give me a back rub. He was so gentle it did not hurt.

Carl loved people. He loved me. He loved music and baseball and the environment. He loved life. He clung to life until the last possible second.

Carl made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to him. He loved his family as well. Carl was my other half. Now, I feel like half of me is missing, and the half a person that remains is struggling to get through each moment. Our love for each other got us through many tough times. I still can’t believe he’s gone.

Carl, I love you with all my heart. You are one of a kind. You called me your sprecious one and your funny bunny. (I created “sprecious” by trying to tell Carl he was “special” and “precious” and getting tongue tied.) We spoke of moving to Massachusetts when I retired – more snow. Carl wanted Alaska, but I wouldn’t move any more north. I hope you’ve moved on to a place even better than Massachusetts. Every time I see snow, I will remember your love of snow. Every time snow touches me, I will think of you.

You told me many times that I gave you strength, but you also gave me strength. You gave me love, you gave me happiness. You made me feel warm inside. I love your silliness. You love making me laugh. I, in turn, make you laugh, and your whole being laughs -- you laugh all over.

Since your fiftieth birthday, you’ve been talking about the future, of growing old together, of sharing a life of joy. You are supposed to be by my side.

No one with your love of live should be gone.

I will always miss you.

I will always love you.

 

(added later: Carl, where is my birthday kiss?)