Lovingly compiled by Carl’s beloved partner. [My comments are often in pink.]

    Carl, the world is a sadder place without you by my side. Where are your tender kisses? I miss you so very much. My days and nights are dim. There is a giant hole in my heart through which the colors of life have escaped. I feel dark shades of gray fog surrounding me instead of your brilliant warm hugs. I desperately wish we were not unveiling your monument. I love you so profoundly that my soul aches. You belong by my side. May G-d grant you peace. This picture is from Passover 2007; we should have spent Passover 2008 together, along with every other night and day. I need you in my arms. I’m lonely.

I LOVE YOU!!!  Shalom!

Some Background to Carl’s Poem:

    Carl and I had the privilege of volunteering on the Hudson River Sloop Clearwater during Opsail 2000. We had helped coordinate the Ships to Save the Waters fundraising concert and conference (along with many other NYC Friends of Clearwater & Clearwater members and people from other organizations). The night before Opsail 2000, we “slept” on the floor of Clearwater’s galley, with promises to vacate before the cook began breakfast prep. Carl had very painful tendonitis in his right arm, so neither of us actually slept. We rose to see a beautiful foggy Hudson River dock. The sail began in misty silence, with boats navigating by bell, whistle, radio, and radar. The thrill of it all kept Carl and I wide awake, in spite of our exhaustion. As the fog lifted, we could see more and more of the other boats. A feeling of joy permeated the occasion, and quiet talking and louder laughter gradually raised from us all. Eventually, the inevitable song broke out. Looking back, we often spoke of the enchanting sail, rarely about the lack of sleep or its cause. We had a truly wondrous time.

http://www.time.com/time/daily/special/photo/opsail/2.html (photo -- the Clearwater off a Brooklyn pier –)

*******Carl’s Unveiling Service Begins*******

by Carl Schwartz

Mourner’s Kaddish Meditations

May we find the strength and courage to accept peace and comfort into our lives and to continue to dream!

 (Gates of Prayer, 1994, p. 155)

 (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 597, 599)
Zikhronam livrakhah.

Mourner’s Kaddish (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 199)   

Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei raba, b’alma di v’ra, kirutei, malkhutei  b’chayeikhon uv’yomeikhon uv’chayei d’khol—beit Yisra-eil, baagala uviz’man kariv, v’imru Amein.

Y’hei sh’mei raba m’varakh l’alam ul’almei almaya.

Yitbarakh v’yishtabach v’yitpaar v’yitromam v’yitnasei, v’yit-hadar v’yitaleh v’yit-halal sh’mei d’Kud’sha, B’rikh Hu l’eila min kol—birkhata v’shirata, tushb’chata v’nechamata daamiran b’alma, v’imru Amein.

Y’hei sh’lama raba min sh’maya v’chayim aleinu v’al kol—Yisra-eil, v’imru Amein.

Oseh shalom bimromav, Hu yaaseh shalom aleinu v’al kol—Yisra-eil, v’imru Amein.

I find comfort in saying Kaddish for Carl. I still cry sometimes, but it is cathartic for me to recite this prayer. Unless it is an “appropriate time,” I say his name softly to myself, so that only those people near me can hear. I know I’m saying it. Hopefully, Carl does, too. This prayer is one of the many ways I keep Carl’s memory alive.

Yizkor Meditation (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 192)

Yizkor (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 193)

    Yizkor Elohim nishmat baali shehalakh l’olamo. Hin’ni nodevet ts’dakah b’ad hazkarat  nishmato. Ana t’hi nafsho ts’rurah bitsror hachayim ut’hi m’nuchato kavod, sova s’machot et—panekha n’imot biminkha netsach. Amein.

During Yom Kippor 2008, Rabbi Gary Bretton-Granatoor read off names of people who had died the past year.

Including Carl.

Mi Shebeirakh for Healing (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 109)

Mi Shebeirakh avoteinu v’imoteinu, Avraham, Yitschak v’Yaakov, Sarah, Rivkah, Racheil v’Lei-ah, hu y’vareikh et hacholim (names). HaKadosh Barukh Hu yimalei rachamim aleihem, l’hachalimam ul’rapotam ul’hachazikam, v’yishlach lahem m’heirah r’fuah, r’fuah sh’leimah min hashamayim, r’fuat hanefesh ur’fuat haguf, hash’ta baagala uviz’man kariv. V’nomar: Amein.

We all need some healing … healing of mind, body, and soul. This world could also use some healing – that was Carl’s “work.” There are several prayers of healing, but I chose this one for its simplicity and the accompanying song.

       Song by Debbie Friedman

Unveiling a Monument (Memorial Guide, p. 23)

God bless you, Carl Schwartz, and all of us who mourn your passing! May we find comfort and strength in family, friends, and faith. May all your good deeds, like your eternal spirit, live on forever. Amen.

Memory Work (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 583)

Hardly an hour goes by that I do not think of Carl. Sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry. I’ll always remember him! Carl used to say that he’d want to come back as a snow flake, to give beauty to this world, if only for a moment. He also loved rain. Every time I see snow, I think of Carl. Snow touching me reminds me of Carl’s embrace.

T’Filah Meditations (Prayer)

 (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 243)

(Gates of Prayer, 1994, p.81)

Carl believed you can talk to G-d anytime, anywhere. He went to shul less and less, but he never lost his faith. He was also a man of action. He firmly believed that we can make this world a better place for all life. Planning the unveiling was very emotional. I did it for Carl. He’d be happy I am giving him such a loving service.

*****The monument is now unveiled.*****

Veils: (first) White = Friends, Beige = Extended Family, Lavender = Siblings, Dark Blue = ME (last)

Eil Malei Rachamim (Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 148-149)

Eil malei rachamim, shokhein bamromim, ham’tsei m’nuchah n’khonah tachat kanfei haSh’khinah, b’maalot k’doshim ut’horim k’zohar harakia mazhirim, et—nishmat Kalmen ben Moshe v’Haiya shehalakh l'olamo, b’gan eiden t’hei m'nuchato. Ana baal harachamim  hastireihu b'seiter k’nafekha l'olamim uts’ror bits’ror hachayim et—nishmato, Adonai hu nachalato, v'yanuach b'shalom al mishkavo, v'nomar Amein.

I sincerely wish for peace for Carl‘s soul. No one is perfect, but Carl was a truly good man. May he be at peace! I also pray that those he left behind can find peace in their hearts. I try to get a few moments of peace, once in s while.

Psalm 23 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 197)

In preparing for Carl’s unveiling, I consulted a wide variety of sources. Everyone agreed that it is customary to read some psalms during the service. Only Psalm 23 was on everyone’s lists.

 ***** End of Service *****

Additional Selections from Psalms

If anyone wants to read a psalm, or say anything else, now is the time. We have until 12:30.

Here are most of the suggested Psalms. I edited them so I could include more Psalms without this booklet getting even longer. I tried to represent a variety of ideas and sources. They may comfort some people.

 (We ended up talking about Carl as one large group – crying, laughing, REMEMBERING. I sat on his place, looking at his stone, getting as close to Carl as possible, knowing I would soon have to stand up.)

Psalm 1 (Gates of Prayer, 1975, p. 559)

Psalm 8 (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 95)

Psalm 15 (Gates of Prayer, 1994, p. 139)

Psalm 16 (Gates of Repentance, p. 486)

Psalm 19 (Gates of Prayer, 1975, p. 177)

Psalm 24 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 73)

Psalm 33 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 93)

Psalm 49 (Sim Shalom, 2000, p. 93-94)

Psalm 90 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 89)

Psalm 91 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 90)

Psalm 103 (Sim Shalom, 2000, p. 98)

Psalm 121 (Sim Shalom, 2000, p. 251)

Psalm 130 (Sim Shalom, 2000, p. 62)

Psalm 131 (JPS Heb.-Eng. Tanakh, p. 1579)

Psalm 146 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 97)

Psalm 147 (Sim Shalom, 2000, p. 255 – last line: 1 Kings 8:57)

Carl would like many of these, maybe he still does. I don’t agree that God “micromanages,” but I do believe we can find strength in God to help us in difficult painful times. Carl believes that much in life is in G-d’s hands (while also believing that G-d helps those who help themselves -- hence his volunteer work). We disagree.

Additional Meditations and Readings

(The Empty Chair, many different pages)

Carl had a very silly side, especially when insisting “I’m never silly,” and when repeating “I don’t repeat myself, I don’t repeat myself, I don’t repeat myself …” He’d get us both laughing.  He had the best laugh & brightest smile. Carl loved to sing. Neither of us had good voices, but that didn’t stop us.  I try to put on a smile even if I’m sad.

(Between God and Man, many different pages)

Yes, Carl, you were and are very much NEEDED! You had good will and good thinking (and warm cuddles). Carl backed up his good will and good thinking with good action. He was not content to watch from the sidelines.

(On Borrowed Time, p. 74)

I am grateful for the many photographs and rare recordings. I deeply miss you, but I am trying to carry on. Your “Funny Bunny” misses her “Sprecious One”. I have toy stuffed animals in bed instead of you. I now sleep on your side of the bed. I have pictures in each room and one next to the bed. But you should be here, not the things.

(When Bad Things Happen to Good People, many different pages)

Carl was very human. He often exercised his freedom to help people and our planet. He cared for everyone. I agree with the author that God does not cause the bad things to happen. We have free will. God also does not control nature. There is a spirit that flows through all life, connecting everything, but that spirit does not determine who shall live and who shall die. I try not to say phrases like “It was God’s will,” because in my heart I believe in a kinder God.

 (Overcoming Life’s Disappointments, many different pages)

Carl had bold dreams! If a dream did not work out, he found a new one. He never stopped dreaming. Carl also worked hard to make his dreams come true. Our last vacation together was in England. We visited Liverpool and Grassmere. Carl went on to London; I had to return to work. He always wanted to see the town in China that had been a hub for Judaism during the Silk Trade. One neighborhood keeps up the tradition of signs in Hebrew and Chinese. That was to be our next trip. We were desperately trying to save money. The money went instead to his funeral.

(Prayers of Consolation, p. 47, 195)

None of us is perfect. I am learning to forgive you your mistakes. I wish you were here to forgive me mine.

(Gates of Prayer, 1994, p. 151-154)

Carl definitely made an impact on everyone he met. People who met Carl only once called him a friend.

 (Artscroll, p. 62)

I said Kaddish in shul Fridays and Saturdays and daily on my own. Thank you, Alvin, for giving Carl the gift of a proper daily Kaddish. I still whisper Carl’s name each Shabbat and quietly talk to him every day, alone at home.

(Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 52-53 and 1985, p. 512 combined)

I am a better person for loving Carl. He gave me happiness. I belong in Carl’s arms with his head resting on mine. When Carl’s bald spot was just a small spot, I told him it was to give me a place to aim my kisses. Over the years, it needed more and more kisses. Carl didn’t seem to mind the extra kisses, as long as we weren’t in public.

 (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 594)

Carl, I once was blessed to take a chance and fall in love with you. We laughed, cried, shouted, and loved.

I desperately wish we had more time together, but I’m grateful for the 20 years we shared.

 (Gates of Repentance, p. 484-485)

 “The world is a better place because for a (way too) brief space” CARL “lived in it.”

 (Memorial Guide, p. 7)

I’m told part of healing is holding onto only good memories. I treasure all memories because they are all CARL.

 (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 595)

I never knew how incomplete oneness is until I had Carl for a partner then lost his gentle touch and soft words. Much of this booklet is my trying to work out my feelings of grief. I mourn deeply for Carl but am learning to function again.

 (Gates of Prayer, 1975, p. 622)

Carl believed in angels. He'd say his guardian angel helped him sleep after heart surgery. I hope Carl is with angels.

(Mishkan T’Filah, p. 593)

I believe we each have a spirit that lives on. All of life is connected. In that realm, Carl’s soul lives on.

 (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 198)

Carl was not afraid to die. He knew that he’d be reunited with his parents. He wanted to live because he loved life.

 (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 593)

May God (Carl’s way: “G-d”) help friends and family learn to find peace. Carl, I still want/need you by my side!!!

Perseverating on this booklet is giving me a slight bit of peace. Our love keeps me going. I’ve found hidden strength.

Sh’ma (Sim Shalom, 1998, p. 30)

Sh’ma Yisra-eil: Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Ehchad. Barukh Shem k’vod malkhuto l’olam va-ed.

 (Mishkan T’Fila, p. 10-11)

**********

Service for Carl at Ansche Chessed

For most of my speeches, click on the Ansche Chessed link at http://mysite.verizon.net/a.attheballgame.

Mourner’s Kaddish – see page 3 (Rabbi Bonita Taylor)

Brief Sermon In Honor of Carl (Rabbi Bonita Taylor)

El Malei Rachamim (Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 148-149) – see page 5 (Rabbi Bonita Taylor)

Peace Reading 1 (Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 417): A Prayer for Peace

Song of Songs (a few lines from Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 788-789)

Peace Reading 2: Micah 4:3 - 4.5 (JPS Heb.-Eng. Tanakh, p. 1345)

Song:  Isaiah 2:4 (JPS Heb.-Eng. Tanakh, p. 847)

Lo – yisa goi el – goi cherev

v’Lo – yilm'du od milchamah

Shalom Aleichem (Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 722) (Cantor Shira Belfor)

Peace Reading 3 (Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 293)

 “Yesh Kochavim” (Mishkan T’Filah, p. 675)

Poem by Hannah Senesh, Translation by Rabbi Dan Frielander music by Cantor Jeffrey Klepper

Recorded by Kol B’Seder, album: Snapshots: The Best of Kol B'seder Volume 1

Peace Reading 4 (Sim Shalom, 1985, p. 291)

Yizkor – see page 4

Shalom Chaverim (no specific source)

Shalom chaverim, shalom chaverim

Shalom, shalom

L’hitrahot, l’hitrahot

Shalom, shalom

Peace friends, peace friends

Peace, peace

Until we meet again

Until we meet again

Peace, Peace

**********

Quoted Books:

Artscroll Transliterated Linear Siddur, Sabbath and Festival, The Seif Edition. Mesorah Publications, Ltd. Brooklyn, NY, 1998.

Between God and Man: An Interpretation of Judaism from the Writings of Abraham Joshua Heschel. Fritz A Rothschild, ed. Simon and Schuster, New York, 1959.

The Empty Chair: Finding Hope and Joy – Timeless Wisdom from a Hasidic Master, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. Adapted by Moshe Mykoff and The Breslov Research Institute. Jewish Lights Publishing, Woodstock, VT, 1996.

Gates of Prayer: The New Union Prayerbook. Central Conference of American Rabbis, New York City, 1975.

The Gates of Prayer for Shabbat and Weekdays. Central Conference of American Rabbis, New York City, 1994.

Gates of Repentance. Central Conference of American Rabbis, New York City, 1978.

JPS Hebrew-English Tanakh. Jewish Publication Society, Philadelphia, 2000.

Memorial Guide: Prayers for Kaddish – Yizkor Meditation. Baron Hirsch Cemetery, New York City, date unknown.

Mishkan T’Filah: A Reform Siddur. Central Conference of American Rabbis, New York City, 2007.

On Borrowed Time: Poems of Two Centuries. Naomi Goodman. Fithian Press, McKinleyville, CA, 2005.

Overcoming Life’s Disappointments. Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. Knopf Publishing Group, New York City, 2006.

Prayers of Consolation. Rabbi Morris Silverman. The Prayer Book Press of Media Judaica, Inc., Bridgeport, CN, 1990.

Siddur Sim Shalom. The Rabbinical Assembly, The United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, New York City, 1985.

Siddur Sim Shalom for Shabbat and Festivals. The Rabbinical Assembly, The United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, New York City, 1998.

Siddur Sim Shalom for Weekdays. . The Rabbinical Assembly, The United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, New York City, 2000.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. Schocken Books, New York, 1981.

Many other sources also helped me, but I selected quotes from the above books for Carl’s Unveiling booklet.

**********

Six of Carl’s Favorite Songs:

 “Emily's Song”

by John Lodge (Moody Blues), 1971, Album: Every Good Boy Deserves Favour

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/m/moody-blues/emilys-song/

This was our first “cuddle song.” A love of the Moody Blues was one of the many things we shared. Throughout our 20+ years together, we saw many Moody Blues concerts. The first music Carl put in the iPod were Moody Blues albums. For several months, the iPod had mostly Moody Blues songs. We loved music.

 “My Rainbow Race”

by Pete Seeger, 1967, Album: PETE by Pete Seeger and Friends

http://www.peteseeger.net/Rainrace.htm

Carl and I met through Hudson River Sloop Clearwater. Pete Seeger was one of its founders; Clearwater grew out of Pete's imagination. Pete continues to play an important role in environmental education. This song used to be on our answering machine, with Carl and I trying to sing. When that machine finally broke, we changed the song to:

 “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”

by Jack Norworth, 1908, Album: Take Me Out to the Ball Game

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/po_stmo.shtml

chorus:

Of course, Carl and I always rooted for the Yankees. We saw games in stadiums and in small ballparks from San Diego to Toronto to Portland, Maine. Of course, we were in Yankee Stadium as often as possible. We’d usually root for the Yankees -- or the home team, if the Yankees weren’t playing. We even rooted for the Mets once at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Old (historic) stadiums and ballparks were our favorites.

 “Bob Dylan's Dream”

by Bob Dylan, 1963, album: The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/b/bob-dylan/bob-dylans-dream/

    Carl loved “reading” the poem he wrote about his Long Island high school friends. It spoke about each of his friends individually and all of them as a group. Carl had the poem memorized, so he didn’t need paper. That poem was loosely based on this song, but Carl’s poem was very personal to him and his friends. Carl’s poem and Dylan’s song do have a similar feel.  If anyone has Carl’s poem, I would love a copy!

“When I’m Gone”

Phil Ochs, 1966, Album: There But for Fortune

http://www.mp3lyrics.org/p/phil-ochs/when-im-gone/

Carl and I both related to this song. I think many people working on environmental and social projects do. We always felt that we had to work to improve the world now, so that there will still be a world where future generations would want to live. Carl was active in many causes, but the environment and hunger were his main focuses most recently.  Whenever he got down or too hyper, volunteering focused his energy. Carl and I met in 1985 volunteering for Clearwater. He got me involved with World Hunger Year.

“Can’t Help Falling In Love”

George Weiss, Hugo Peretti, Luigi Creatore, 1961

Albums: every Elvis Presley greatest hits I’ve ever seen

(I think – original album: Blue Hawaii)

    Carl and I loved to cuddle to this song. We rediscovered it during a Walkabout Clearwater Chorus rehearsal and it immediately became another “cuddle song.” Whenever we heard one of our cuddle songs, we’d hug or dance together. If we were in different rooms when the song began, we’d stop whatever we were doing to be close to each other. We cherished each other and music was one of the many things that brought us together. I haven’t listened to the radio or CDs much this past year, but sometimes I still listen to the “Cousin Brucie Show.” We used to listen to that show together.

Carl lived his life to the fullest. As he struggled to breathe, he kept asking, “What’s taking the ambulance so long? Where’s the ambulance?” It really didn’t take long, but seconds passed like years. A few minutes were an eternity. He lost consciousness with me by his side, holding him, telling him that the siren we were listening to was his ambulance. We could hear a siren getting louder as it got closer.

Carl really wanted to live. I very much wanted for him to live, as well.  Carl was my life partner for 20 years.  I thought we’d have at lease another 20. We had planned to eventually go down to “City Hall” (really – across the street) to get married. I was holding out for a nice proposal. The evening of Valentines Day, 2008, after a wonderful dinner with friends, he finally proposed. He died a few hours later. I pressed and laminated the rose he gave me, and I wear the ring. I wear what should have been my wedding band on my right hand: Ani l’dodi v’dodi li.

  Carl, you are LOVED and MISSED very much! We (I!!!) NEED YOU!!

It’s been several weeks since Carl’s Unveiling, and I’m still making revisions. I’ve been thinking of the times we weren’t together … when we’d do something separately. At the time, I’d miss Carl, even if it was only for a few hours, but knowing we’d soon be together again comforted me. Now, I feel like those were missed opportunities. Whenever Carl was sick, and after he retired, I’d call him before leaving work to see if he needed anything. Now, my fingers accidentally dial home. Throughout our time together, we had our share of problems, but our love for each other held us together and helped us to work things out. Our relationship grew and matured as the years passed. We had just discussed growing old together a few days earlier (after he first noticed some gray in my hair). I had always told him I’d merry him if he asked me nicely. He finally did, but too late. I should not have been so stubborn! I knew he didn't like being told what to do. Now, this is finished, and I need a new form of therapy. Dearest Carl, you are in my heart and in my thoughts; our souls are entwined.  You live on in my heart. Carl liked me to wear pink, so many of my comments are pink.

Paper content is cotton, cotton & recycled, or recycled paper.