Since Bob's* death, the whole issue has plagued me about our similar circumstances, and how dangerously close I am to
being so much like him. By God's grace, though, I have been able to work through some of these issues, at least educate
myself on what created this mess to begin with.
And again by God's grace, I have had the fortunate encounter with some of Bob's relatives (besides Cindy*).
One e-mailed me last week, and wrote this:
Hi Stuart,
Thank you for you email and your kind, comforting words. It means the world to me that you say you feel as
if you lost a brother in Bob. Although Bob was my cousin, he always felt like a brother. I am sorry
to hear that your family was not supportive but I guess our "tough love" methods didn't work with Bob either....
There it is. Good 'ol tough love. It's ironic how those who impose such a measure of "kindness", don't appreciate
it in kind, maybe because they emphasis the 'tough', more than the 'love'.
I guess I should be appreciative that at least she is beginning to see where she went wrong, but even with my conversations
with Cindy, there was always this, "I know there is something I missed, but it can't be my fault, so it must be someone elses"
mentality. She expressed it quite well, when she would interrupt before I could ever finish a sentence, especially when I
was about to give her an answer, whether nice or hard to hear. She came off as someone who, maybe until late in life
finally would accept her responsibility of enabling, but so filled with guilt or shame, and especially pride, she just
won't admit it.
But the issue of 'tough love' still hangs there. Why do we do it? What purpose does it serve? Who are
we supposed to use it on?
My theory, Never use tough love on any victim, at any time, who is working through the process of recovering from abuse.
I'll say it again, "NEVER USE TOUGH LOVE AS A MEANS OF HELPING A PERSON TRYING TO WORK THROUGH THE PROCESS OF RECOVERING FROM
ABUSE." Why? Because THEY were the victims, THEY need the encouragement to find the strength to even breathe right
now. What purpose does it serve to tell someone who has been abused, that they need to get over it, and move on,and
Oh by the way, forgive the bastard for doing what they did to you (All this while you tell them to quit the pity party)?
Tough love does have its place. Jesus used it on the Pharisees for the way they treated those who were in their
care. Never do you see Jesus employ tough love on someone down and out, discouraged, or so badly broken, they can't
bare to face him. Even in his "Go, and sin no more" messages do we see a Savior who is more apt to be smiling tearfully,
than gritting his teeth.
Tough love is reserved for those whose characteristics (a few mentioned here) resemble laxity, fecklessness, apathy,
and/or are fickle. Usually these are qualities seen in betrayers, enablers, and the cowardly, to name a few. Sure,
tough love tactics may help those who are overcoming addictions, but it is the LOVE, and not the toughness that counts.
"Judge not, lest you be judged." is important, in that the TOUGH part is reserved for God to use alone, and we are to LOVE
unconditionally.
"A harsh rebuke from a friend, is better than kind words from your enemy" has been the mantra of tough love advocates,
but there again, a rebuke is given to correct wrong behavior, not used as a beating stick for someone who has been abused,
and they can't find the faith, or reason to keep living.
What's truly sad about Bob,(and others like him and I), is that it was tough love that got us in this mess, in the
first place. Those who entertain the notion that it is useful in all purposes, will find that victims of abuse, especially
sexual, were DRIVEN there by those who thought their tough love tactics were doing the person some good.
Live in your fantasy world, but in the end, these advocates will be seen for what they truly are: Cowards!
*Note: name change again to show respect to the persons involved.
