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Best jokes I've collected
from Emails over the years.
Will add & delete monthly,
I
Have a million of them.
They were together in the house.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come
quickly. Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power
went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He
knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead
clung to him.
The storm raged on...
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand.
So consumed were they in their fear that they heard no opening of doors.. just the faint click of a camera.
Have you smiled today?
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked . When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many
children she had and their ages . She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two . And the
twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six . And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . . "
"Hold on!" said
the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't
get nothin.
Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this story.
(if you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll
get it)
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman
and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile
hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of
the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.>Pull yourself
together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old,
not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change
in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she
realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I! Leave it in the
store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something.
No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar,
warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
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Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for a half dozen nuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't" I said. "We only
have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So
I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The
paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago.I was checking out at the local Kroger
with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers"
that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so the items wouldn't get mixed up. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding
the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is? I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using
the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I recently
saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient
store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several years ago we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper" the secretary said. With that, the
intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of
the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the "Twister" movie." I asked
the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control" and then went in the back to make a
sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated
a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying"
was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed. CONCLUSION: Life is
tough. But it's a lot tougher if you're stupid."
 Two rednecks, Bubba and Jake, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of quarts of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Jake, it's a poll-ice
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Jake said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What
fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Jake. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles
under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"You boys been
drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Jake. "We's on the patch"!
 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over
how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.),
to attempt an explanation when drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavored
mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash
(n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal,
dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles
his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 15. Frisbeetarianism
(n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.
Things to PonderWho was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people
point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why
does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does goofy stand erect
while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams?
Do they dream?? Why ARE Trix only for kids? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner? Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes
from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do illiterate
people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you
ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?
Catchy SlogansSeptic Tank Truck sign reads:
"We're #1 in the #2 business." Sign
over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please
back in." On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in
Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At
a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your
shorts." In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a
maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff." In a podiatrist's office:
"Time
wounds all heels." On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership:
"The best way to
get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In
a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company:
"We would be delighted
if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry
.. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a propane filling
station,
"Tank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town
to take a leak."
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
For example: Tylenol is acetaminophen;
Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen and so on.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafloppin.
Other names considered were: mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin,
mydixadud, dixafix and of course, ibepokin.
The Cowboy
A Cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his
horse had been stolen. He went back into the saloon, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking
and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No
one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do
what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had
another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started riding out of town. The saloonkeeper wandered
out of the saloon and asked, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said,
"I
had to walk home."
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| A "Towel Head" On the Run |
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