As the show opens, Clifford is preparing the new security bear, Bobo, for his first day on the job. Clifford tells him that if someone's name is on the list, then they can come in. This of course immediately backfires when Bobo refuses entry to Clifford.
Bobo: "Hello! If your name is not on the list, you don't get in." Clifford: "Hello! If my name is not on your paycheck, you don't get paid." Bobo stares at Clifford for a moment Bobo: "Have a good day, sir." Clifford walks in
Kermit intro: "Very special guest star Billy Crystal"
Clifford intro: "Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show critics everywhere are calling 'Muppets Tonight'."
Clifford introduces Billy as a humble man who hasn't let stardom go to his head. Billy is (of course) carried in on a palanquin, carried by four burly pigs. He is dressed in a red muscle suit with white stars. Clifford welcomes him to Muppets Tonight, and Billy says he thought he was going to be on American Gladiators. He then starts making muscles for the crowd. Billy says he is joking, and he's happy to be there. Clifford starts talking about When Harry Met Sally and Meg Ryan. So Billy says he has a screen test from the movie that he'd like to show.
The screentest opens with a Rob Reiner Muppet holding the slate and preparing for the test. He says, "The next one that calls me Meathead is gonna get it!" He claps the slate, and the camera pans over to Billy Crystal -- and Miss Piggy! Piggy, as Sally, starts ordering lots of food, all of it "on the side". Of course Billy cracks some jokes about how much Piggy eats. Then Piggy asks about his date the night before, and Billy tells her the date cancelled on him because she was sick. Piggy asks if she might have been faking it, and Billy tells her no, he heard her sneeze twice. Piggy tells him that most women have faked a sneeze at one point or another to get out of a date, but Billy believes he can tell a real sneeze from a fake one.
So Piggy starts going, "Ah! Ah!", growing wilder and more excited as she goes on. People start staring, their jaws dropping open. Piggy builds to a climax and finally -- "Achoo!" The sneeze knocks Billy back about a foot. Piggy sits down, as if nothing happened. A woman then calls the waiter over and says, "Waiter, I'll have what she's having -- only less pepper."
Statler: "There's a lot to be said for this program." Waldorf: "Too bad you can't say it on a family show."
In the control room, Nigel the Director is trying to give Andy and Randy Pig a job to do. He shows them a button that controls the house lights. We never find out what he wanted them to do with the button, because they hit one of the other buttons that they weren't supposed to touch, and the control panel flips up and hits Nigel in the face, knocking him out.
Billy then walks in with Clifford, who is trying to get him to do his Fernando character from Saturday Night Live. Billy consents, and tells Clifford he looks "Mahvelous!" Then everyone in the control room wants him to do Muhammad Ali, which he does. Then they want Sammy Davis Jr., and he obliges them. Clifford says this would be great stuff for the closing number, but Billy says he wants to do a jazz number. In fact, he has an all-star band coming to play with him. Cliffords says it's all right with him, though he'd like Muhammed Ali to be the bandleader.
Dr. Phil van Neuter then shows up. He's been called to help Nigel. "Oh! Excellent candidate for reconstructive surgery!" Nigel gets out a cue before he goes out once more, to start the next number.
The next number is a musical number. It begins with a lion lying down and going to sleep. Then some other animals start singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". They must have raided the Animal Show's puppet closet, because the animals look beautiful. But their singing is keeping the lion from falling asleep. "Come on guys," he says, "I gotta work in the morning." The lion tries to ignore them, tries to cover his ears with pillows, but it doesn't work. So finally he leaps up and starts chasing them all over. He eventually chases them off stage, where they run over Clifford.
As Clifford picks himself up, Sam the Eagle comes up to him and says that the guests for his political commentary show, Larry King and Mr. Poodlepants, have not shown up. He desperately needs two guests, anyone will do. Clifford takes one look at Andy and Randy, who are blowing up the control room one panel at a time, and tells Sam he can get two guests. Sam says that Larry King had better have a good excuse for being late.
The scene changes to the lobby, where Larry King has just walked in and asked Bobo to buzz him in. After Bobo asks his name, he can't find Larry on the list. Larry says this is preposterous, he's Larry King, his show is on in 220 countries! Bobo says he's got Larry there, because there are only 191 countries. He takes out a globe and starts counting. Larry joins in.
The next sketch is The Eagle's Nest. This is Sam's regular spot to discuss issues of political importance. He asks the pigs what they thing of "the new tax bill". Both pigs deny being Bill. No, says Sam, "a tax bill in the House." The pigs want to know why Sam wants to attack Bill in his house.
Sam: "And they say Purgatory doesn't exist."
Just then, Mr. Poodlepants arrives. So Sam asks him about taxes. Mr. Poodlepants says, "Texas! The Longhorn State. And speaking of long horns..." and he pulls out this very long Alpen horn, which he blows. Andy and Randy think this means an avalanche, and they run. Sam tries to tell them that there is no avalanche, but just then a load of snow drops on his head.
Sam: "I'll get you for this, Larry King, wherever you are."
The scene cuts back to the lobby, where Bobo is still counting. Larry tries to point out that St. Kitts and Nieves are two countries, but Bobo says that they're a "constitutional monarchy -- single federation." This causes Bobo to lose his place, and he must start over again.
Next up is "City Schtickers." Billy, Fozzie, and Kermit are riding their horses, driving the cattle. The three of them start slinging very bad puns. When the puns get too bad, they sing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe", an old Alvin and the Chipmunks song. There are some more jokes, and a short appearance by Animal, before the cattle stampede.
Statler: "That bit was breathtaking." Waldorf: "Careful, you may not have many too left." They laugh. Statler: "Nurse! My medication! Get my nitroglycerine." A nurse walks in with a detonator. She pushes it down and Statler explodes. Waldorf: "I'll just have a glass of warm milk."
As the animals from the musical number are chased out the front door by the lion, Sal the Monkey and Johnny Fiama walk into the lobby. Sal tries to push past Bobo, but Bobo says, "hold it up there, J. Fred Muggs, where do you think you're going?" Sal gives Johnny Fiama's name, and Bobo looks for it on the list. He finds Larry King (Bobo: "Oh, he is on the list"), but no Johnny Fiama. Sal tries to get Johnny through, calling Bobo a butthead three times, each time earning a strike from Bobo. On the third strike, Bobo picks up Sal and starts roughing him up a bit. Johnny then looks at his schedule and notices that he's not even on the show that week. Bobo throws Sal out the door. Johnny follows under his own power.
Back in the control room, Clifford and Rizzo are arguing over who has to give Billy some bad news. Clifford tells Rizzo he has to do it, "because I'm the man and you're the rat. I've got genetic seniority." Billy is right there, though, and wants to know what the bad news is. Rizzo tries to put him off by telling him, "Soylent Green is people," but Billy says that everybody knows that. The fact is that Billy's band hasn't shown up, so they'll have to cancel the closing number. Billy says that that's okay, he can just do it with the Muppets. He convinces them that they can do jazz, so they do a jazz number called "That's Jazz." Billy does an extremely good impression of playing a clarinet, with Animal on drums, Clifford on bass fiddle, Randy on trumpet, Andy on trombone, Zoot on sax, and Mr. Poodlepants playing the piano.
After they come back from the commercial, Clifford thanks Billy Crystal for being on the show. But they wonder what happened to the jazz band. The entire crowd turns to the camera and says, "Hmm."
Down in the lobby, Bobo is telling the band that he doesn't have any Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, Clint Eastwood, or Ronald Reagan on the list. Queen Elizabeth II tries to charm her way past Bobo, but he sends her to the end of the line.
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