The show opens in the dressing room of the supposed guest star, Arsenio Hall. Bobo the Bear is with him. Arsenio is dressed in a white clown costume. Bobo asks him to tell him one of his "Things that make you go 'hmm'," but Arsenio says he doesn't do that anymore. Pointing to Arsenio's outfit, Bobo says, "You're doing kids parties, huh?" But Arsenio explains that he's going to sing an aria from Pagliacci, and gives Bobo a little taste of it (though he is obviously lip-syncing). He ends it with a sneeze, since he's picked up a nasty cold. Bobo gives him a bottle of Bear-quil, and Arsenio takes some. He begins to shake and shudder all over the room, but Bobo just says, "There you go. It's working." Arsenio plays a couple of chords on the piano before collapsing on the couch.
Kermit intro: none
Bobo is laughing at Arsenio, who is still splayed out on the couch. Clifford, Rizzo the Rat, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and his assistant Beaker all walk in and ask what happened. Bobo tells him about the Bear-quil, and says that Arsenio was pretending he was poisoned. Bunsen points out that Arsenio took a dosage meant for a 500-pound bear, and Clifford checks Arsenio's pulse. Clifford announces that Arsenio is dead. Bobo says he doesn't understand, he's been taking the Bear-quil for six months and nothing has happened to him. Just then he starts choking and shaking, and falls to the floor. The others cry out, but Bobo pops up and says, "Gotcha!" No one else seems to find it funny.
Clifford starts to whig out, so Rizzo slaps him. Then he suggests a plan: they dump the body in the basement and find a new guest star. Bunsen volunteers that Beaker does an excellent impersonation of Little Richard. Beaker goes over to the piano, puts on a wig, and turns around. Instead of Beaker, it is the real Little Richard, dressed like Beaker. He says, "Me me me?" Clifford says it's the worst impersonation of Little Richard he's ever seen, so he turns back around and removes the wig, becoming Beaker again.
Clifford says that they need someone to help them find a guest star. "Somebody with the wisdom of Solomon, and the vision of DaVinci, and the brilliance of Einstein." Bunsen says there's only one person who fits that bill, and Rizzo pops up and says he's got her on the phone. They all say "Kathy Ireland!"
The scene switches to the set of an exercise show, where Kathy Ireland is leading some people in aerobics. Her cell phone rings, so she moves off to the side to answer it. When she does, the screen splits, with Clifford and the other Muppets on one side and Kathy on the other. Kathy guesses that they've killed their guest star (Rizzo: "Boy, are you good!"). Clifford asks her what she would do to get a new guest star, and she says that she'd just sit by the pool in a bikini. Bunsen and Beaker head off to try that plan. Clifford asks Kathy what to try if that doesn't work, and Kathy says there's something else they could try, but they'd need a lovable talking bear. Bobo (that lovable talking bear) says they may have trouble with that, since lovable talking bears are hard to find. But then he has an idea: "I'll go get Fozzie." But Kathy points out that they should use the bear they have, and tells Bobo to go out on the street and find a new guest start. Kathy has to go, so she hangs up and the split-screen ends. But Rizzo is now standing next to her, wearing work-out clothes. Kathy asks him what he's doing there, and Rizzo says, "I jumped the split-screen. I need buns of steel by Friday." Kathy flicks him off stage.
Statler and Waldorf are dining poolside with several bikini-clad young ladies. They are watching the show on a portable TV. Clifford has just come on to introduce the show.
Clifford: "Due to a slight guest star situation, Muppets Tonight has been pre-empted." Statler and Waldorf: "Yay!" Clifford: "I'm not finished." Statler and Waldorf: "Awww."
Clifford segues to a commercial, which is for Johnny Fiama's Pasta Playhouse. It is a dinner theater where they serve the food while you're watching the play. Or as Johnny puts it, "When the curtain comes up, so does your food." Johnny tells Sal the Monkey that that line doesn't sound right, but Sal says that's how Johnny wrote it. Johnny goes on to say that all this week "The Odd Couple" will be playing, and the shot changes to Dr. Phil van Neuter and his assistant Mulch performing on stage. As they perform the scene, Sal delivers a hot plate of baked ziti to an audience member, who screams in pain as he takes the plate. He passes it down the row, each patron screaming as he gets the plate. Finally it gets to an old woman, who complains that there's monkey hair in the ziti. Sal leans over from the next row and tells her it's fiber and it's good for her. On the stage, Dr. Phil is complaining that no one is paying attention because they're all eating, so someone throws a meatball at him.
Johnny finishes the commercial with a little song, but then there is an explosion. Sal runs out of the kitchen yelling, "Grease fire!" Sal runs over to Johnny and tells him to save himself, but Johnny says they have to save the prosciutto.
Back in the studio, Clifford, Rizzo, and Zippety-Zap are carrying Arsenio's body, which is wrapped up in a sheet.
Rizzo: "Hey Clifford, this guest star weighs a ton. Maybe we don't really need to drag him all the way to the basement." Clifford: "What do you usually do with a dead body?" Rizzo: "I'm a rat, you don't want to know."
The elevator doors open and Kermit the Frog steps out with O.J. Simpson prosecutor Chris Darden and two police officers. Kermit is giving them a tour of the studio. He introduces them to Clifford, and Chris asks them, "What do you have in the bag, a dead body?" They all laugh nervously at that, and Rizzo says "Yeah, we killed the guest star." Everyone is laughing until Chris turns serious and says, "Really, what's in the bag?" Rizzo asks, "Do you have a warrant?" When Chris responds that he doesn't, Rizzo says, "Then it's Arsenio Hall," and they all start laughing again. Clifford and the other Muppets take the body off, and Kermit continues the tour. As Kermit and Chris walk off, Chris starts talking about the trial, how it was always "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia."
As they go around the corner, Rizzo asks Clifford if they can just drop the body in the closet until they figure out what to do with it. Clifford acquiesces, and they dump the body. After they leave, Dr. Phil and Mulch open the closet door, and Dr. Phil reveals his plan to bring Arsenio Hall back to life in front of millions of viewers. Mulch makes a derogatory growl, and Dr. Phil responds, "Oh, all right, maybe a couple hundred." They carry the body out.
In the stage area, Clifford is telling Rizzo and Zippety that Arsenio is safely tucked away and it's just their little secret. When Clifford points out that they seem to be handling it well, as if they've done it before, Rizzo says that he's not saying anything on the grounds that it might incriminate him. Zippety says, "Ditto." Zippety wonders how Bobo is doing with the guest star search.
Outside, Bobo is standing in front of the Tonight Show studio, calling out, "Muppets Tonight! Looking for guest stars!" Jay Leno walks out of the building and heads over to Bobo. He says that he heard Bobo is looking for a guest star, and he'd like to help. Bobo thanks him, and tells him he can help him find a guest star by working the other side of the street. Jay looks surprised, and then says, "Must be a big Koppel fan."
Next is another episode of EIEI-OR. Plenty of stupid jokes with Dr. Fozzie, Dr. Pain, and the rest of the cast.
This is followed by Tales From the Vet. Dr. Phil announces that tonight he is going to bring back to life dead tissue. Mulch brings out a box of tissues. Dr. Phil tells him he meant human tissue, and presents the lifeless body of Arsenio Hall.
In the control room, Clifford is watching with Rizzo and Zippety. He is startled to see Arsenio's body on the TV. (On the TV we can see Mulch pumping his fist and saying "Woof! Woof! Woof!") He turns to Rizzo and asks if he locked the closet. Rizzo turns to Zippety and asks him why he didn't lock the closet. Zippety and Rizzo argue over who was supposed to lock the closet (goof: Zippety at one point says that Kermit told Rizzo to lock the closet, when he obviously meant Clifford).
Back on TFTV, Dr. Phil tells Mulch to get the magnetic revivifier ready.
Dr. Phil: "Alrighty Mulch. 17,000 volts should be just about enough electricity to gently wake Mr. Hall from his untimely -- sleep, shall we say?" Mulch growls and points upward. Dr. Phil: "Okay, we'll round it off to an even 50,000 volts. That oughta make him sit up and go 'Woof! Woof! Woof!'"
Dr. Phil throws the switch and huge bolts of electricity strike Arsenio's body, which goes flying up into the air and crashes through the ceiling. Dr. Phil and Mulch start celebrating as the shot goes back to the control room. Rizzo and Zippety start arguing again as the show goes to commercial.
As they come back, Bobo is talking to Clifford on a pay phone. He has bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that he's having trouble finding a guest star. The really bad news is that he doesn't think they'll deliver a pizza to a phone booth. Just then Jay Leno walks up and taps Bobo on the shoulder. Bobo finishes his conversation with Clifford and turns to Jay. He tells Jay that he shouldn't mess with him since he's a bear. But Jay just slaps Bobo a little. Jay's a little upset that Bobo doesn't recognize him, so he starts giving him hints. He says he's the host of a very popular talk show, and Bobo says, "Oh, you're Rosie." Jay slaps Bobo again. When Bobo guesses Jerry Springer he gets slapped again.
Back in the control room Nigel the Director is spazzing out. They don't have a guest star, there's nothing onstage, this happens every week, he can't take it any more, so Nigel quits. He does this very loudly. After he walks out, Zippety takes over. He prepares to cue The Real World Muppets and asks for a coffee. Nigel comes back and says, "That's my job. Cue Real World and I'll have what he's having."
The sketch is, of course, The Real World Muppets. It's the story of "5 Muppets picked to live in a house, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when Muppets stop being polite and start being real." The 5 Muppets are Clifford, Rizzo, Bill the Bubble Guy, Bobo, and a woman named Darci. This episode deals with a meeting the roommates have called to discuss some grievances. All of the complaints seem to be about Bobo, strangely enough.
Back at the pool, Bunsen and Beaker don't seem to be having much luck lying by the pool wearing bikinis. The camera pans over to Statler and Waldorf, who are wearing old-fashioned bathing suits and surrounded by women.
Statler: "Maybe you should try trading up to a one-piece." Waldorf: "Yeah, worked for us."
Back in the control room, Clifford is pretty down because they don't have a guest star and there's nothing on stage. He decides to go out on stage and tell the audience the truth, but Rizzo walks in and tells him that Beaker is on stage doing his Little Richard impersonation. Clifford is suddenly elated that something is on stage and says, "I could just kiss that meep-meep-meeping little carrot-top." Rizzo says, "Clifford, watch your meep-meep-meeping language."
Little Richard is onstage, playing the piano and singing "I Hear You Knocking." Animal is playing the drums, and Zoot is blowing the sax. There is a door in the background, and after each line you can see a knocking on the door. After the first verse the shot cuts back to Clifford, who turns around to find Beaker behind him. He realizes that it's the real Little Richard on stage. Little Richard finishes the song, and then the door falls down, revealing Doglion.
Doglion: "Come to Mama, you little stud muffin. And don't you play hard to get." Little Richard: "Good golly, Miss Molly. You look different in daylight." Doglion chases Little Richard off the stage.
Back in the control room, Clifford realizes that they've made it through the show. He starts toward the stage to say goodnight, but Kermit runs in demanding to know what happened to Arsenio Hall. Just then Arsenio crashes through the ceiling and lands on the floor. He gets up, turns to Kermit, and says, "Can I talk to you for a minute, please." Arsenio is a bit freaked out about being given cold medicine by a bear, and then shot 5000 feet into the air by a mad scientist. But he came to do Pagliacci, and Pagliacci is what he's going to do. He grabs his base drum and heads out onstage to start singing. But then Gonzo the Great shows up and asks Clifford if he's seen the base drum he filled with C-4 explosive. Clifford and Kermit turn to the camera and say, "Uh-oh." There is a huge explosion from the stage.
Clifford: "Gonzo, why would you fill a base drum with explosives?" Gonzo: "Duh, Clifford. Everybody knows that when you keep explosives in a tuba they get spit all over them."
Back outside, Bobo is talking to Jay Leno again. Jay has told Bobo who he is, but Bobo still doesn't recognize him. Jay slaps Bobo again. Just then Kevin Eubanks walks out, and Bobo recognizes him. Apparently Bobo is a big fan of his, and has all his albums. Bobo says Kevin would be a great guest star on Muppets Tonight. Kevin tells Jay that he isn't feeling too good, and he would like to take the day off. Bobo leads Kevin away, telling him that he's got some Bear-quil that will fix him right up. Jay turns to the camera and says, "This is gonna be another one of those stupid HBO movies."
The first outtake involves Arsenio's opera singing from the beginning. Whoever is doing the actual singing screws up, which causes Arsenio to crack up. Bobo accuses him of being a fake. The second occurs as Dr. Phil and Mulch carry the body out of the closet. Mulch turns and speaks directly to the camera. Dr. Phil yells at Mulch, telling him not to ruin the shot, but it is too late. Mulch apologizes, saying "Forgive me! Forgive me!!"
In the third outtake, Nigel is complaining that nothing is on stage and blows the rest of line. He begins fumfering and even sings a little.
Go to the Don Rickles and Coolio episode