As the show opens, Kermit the Frog walks into the control room, where Clifford reminds him about his date with the "Spend an Evening With Kermit" contest winner. They had 14,000 entries, though almost all of them were from Miss Piggy. Kermit asks Clifford where Dennis Quaid is, and Clifford replies that he's onstage, rehearsing the Dennis the Menace sketch. Clifford says that everything is under control, so Kermit should go and have a good time.
Kermit: "You know, I suppose you're right. I mean, after all, it's not like bowling balls are gonna come falling out of the sky the minute I leave." Clifford: "Aw, man, why'd he have to say that?"
Just then the pictures on the monitors change to static, and Nigel the Director announces that they've lost the satellite feed. Dennis Quaid walks in, complaining about the picture problem (he is dressed in a Dennis the Menace costume). Clifford tells Nigel to "disconnect the co-axial hookup and reconfigure the transponder", but Dennis picks up a couple of power cords and suggests, "you could just plug it back in." He plugs the cords together and the picture returns. Everyone gives a cheer. Clifford says that the problem is solved, and Rizzo the Rat says, "Yeah, and we didn't even have any bowling balls fall out of the sky." Everyone quickly moves away from Clifford. When Clifford asks what everybody is doing, Dennis replies, "Hey, I know a setup line when I hear one." Of course, a bunch of bowling balls suddenly falls on Clifford's head.
Kermit's intro: "very special guest star Dennis Quaid."
Clifford is talking to Zippety-Zap, telling him about what happened in the control room. He shows Zippety a walkie-talkie, which Clifford is using to keep on top of everything. The show is going to be a lean, mean, well-oiled machine. To demonstrate, he calls up Bobo the Bear, who responds promptly. Then he tries Seymour the Elephant and Pepe the Prawn, who are down in the commissary. The special listed on the wall is calimari, and Seymour is busy trying to subdue a large squid in a pot. Pepe answers Clifford's call, but Clifford can hear Seymour in the background, fighting with the squid. Clifford remarks, "I think my well-oiled machine's got too many dipsticks."
Just then Rizzo calls in. Clifford holds up his walkie-talkie and comments that Rizzo sounds very clear, like he's right next to him. Rizzo replies that he is right next to him, and Clifford turns around to find Rizzo standing there. Rizzo points out that Clifford should be on stage, since they're on the air. Clifford walks over to the stage and introduces the show.
The first act is supposed to be Gonzo the Great singing "Dancing With My Chickens," but Gonzo runs on and tells Clifford that he can't because all his chickens have flown the coop. So Clifford decides to stall by telling a few jokes, and uses the walkie-talkie to ask if anyone has a joke for him. Pepe calls up, since the squid is now out of the pot and attached to Seymour's head. Pepe asks, "Clifford, how do you get a 200-pound squid off the face of an elephant?!?" Clifford, thinking this is the joke he asked for, repeats it to the audience. He then listens to the walkie-talkie for the punch line, which he repeats to the audience: "Help! This squid is sucking my face off!" Clifford says he doesn't get it. Seymour bursts on stage with the squid on his head, shouting that it is sucking his face off. He crashes into Clifford, and they both go down.
Back in the control room, we can see on the monitors that the squid is now attacking Clifford, though Nigel doesn't remember him rehearsing an interpretive squid dance. Dennis Quaid walks in, and announces that he's done everyone's taxes for the next year, and they're all getting big refunds. Rizzo has qualified for the Rat head-of-household deduction, even though Clifford said he didn't qualify. Rizzo then asks, "Where is that H&R Block-head?" Clifford comes into the control room, the squid on his head, and runs across the room. Dennis makes a few karate moves and removes the squid from Clifford's head (Dennis: "It's just a little something I learned in the Peace Corps."). Everyone seems to love Dennis, since he can fix almost anything. Gonzo asks him if he has a way he can do his "Dancing With Chickens" number without the chickens. Dennis suggests he just dance with himself. Gonzo then runs onstage and sings Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself." with a dozen copies of himself.
Statler and Waldorf are sitting in a golf cart out on the course, watching the show on a portable TV. Statler: "Hey Waldorf, I think the TV's on the fritz. I'm seeing double Gonzos." The camera pulls back to reveal that Waldorf is another one of the Gonzos. Waldorf: "Only double? You should be seeing a lot more than that."
As Gonzo finishes the song, a Gonzo walks in the door and announces that there's a party over at Gonzo's. All but one of the Gonzos disappear, and the remaining Gonzo say, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd never leave."
Just off stage, Clifford gets a call on the walkie-talkie from Bobo, who has an emergency: he needs a 5-letter word for a river in Mesopotamia. Clifford asks him why he's bothering him with a crossword puzzle, and Bobo replies that he "couldn't find Dennis." Clifford obviously feels dejected that everyone seems to be looking up to Dennis instead of himself, and wishes he could switch places with Kermit.
With that clever segue, the scene changes to outside a house, which Kermit walks up to. He is carrying a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. He rings the bell, and a good-looking woman answers the door. Kermit asks her if she is the winner of the contest, Ms. Gottfried. She replies that she isn't, she's just there visiting her friend, Gilbert. Yes, the contest winner turns out to be comedian Gilbert Gottfried, who is a huge fan of Kermit's. He goes completely bananas over Kermit, and drags him inside to see the statue of Kermit he built out of only soda crackers and lemon juice.
Back at the studio, Dennis is down in the commissary showing Seymour and Pepe how to make a 4-tiered mock wedding cake out of only soda crackers and lemon juice. The two cooks then show Dennis their new special dish, meatless meatballs (made from grapes). Dennis tries one, and then suggests that they should heat them up first. Seymour heads back into the kitchen to do that. Pepe says to Dennis that they'd like to do a song with him, but they can't think of which one. Dennis says that, when choosing a song, it often comes to him in a flash. There is a flash from the kitchen, and Seymour runs in, shouting, "Goodness gracious, my grape balls are on fire!" Dennis says, "We have a winner!" and a piano suddenly rolls in. Dennis sits down and starts playing "Great Balls of Fire" but with the words changed to be about the "Grape Balls of Fire." The scene cuts to the stage, where the three of them are dressed in more appropriate costumes for the musical number. When they finish the song, the scene changes back to the commissary. Seymour and Pepe say that Dennis is so great he should host the show every week. The camera pans over to show that Clifford has overheard this, and it makes him even more depressed. He walks off dejectedly.
In the control room, Nigel is getting ready to cue the next sketch, but Clifford isn't around to introduce it. Fortunately Dennis Quaid has volunteered to do it, so Nigel cues him. The bit is a screentest with Dennis and Kermit for a movie that eventually became "Dragonheart."
It opens with some frightened villagers hoping that some hero will save them from the dreaded Frogo. Dennis, as Sir Cumference of the Circle, shows up to challenge the dragon. When Dennis hears Kermit's voice issuing from the dragon's cave, he says, "Hey, you don't sound like Sean Connery." Frogo (Kermit) replies, "Yeah, you don't sound like Jerry Lee Lewis." Frogo comes out of his cave and says, "Hi-ho, Frogo the dragon here." But one of the villagers walks up to him, revealing that he's not very big. "Cor, he's tiny. Why he's not even as big as me boil." (the villager has a large red boil on his face.) Dennis says that Frogo isn't as big as the script lead him to believe, and Kermit explains that he should have come in in the foreground, so he'd look much bigger. Kermit walks out of the shot, and then returns in the foreground, and indeed he looks much bigger. He breathes fire at Dennis and the villagers (Kermit: "Turn on the gas, Fred."), causing the one villager to exclaim, "Goodness gracious, me great boil's on fire!" Dennis turns to the camera and says, "Love that song!" The camera pulls back to reveal the piano, and Dennis starts playing the song again, this time with dragon-related lyrics. As Kermit dances, he says, "Gee, I guess I was wrong. He does sound like Jerry Lee Lewis."
Statler: "You know, when I watch this show I find myself counting the minutes until it's over." Waldorf: "Really, how many are left?" Statler: "Four!!" A golf ball flies in and hits Waldorf on the head. Statler laughs. Statler: "I love that joke."
The scene changes to a restaurant, where a waiter is taking a picture of Kermit and Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert decides to liven up the conversation by showing Kermit his book of crime scene photographs, "Isn't That Gross" while Kermit eats. Kermit suddenly finds that he doesn't have much of an appetite.
Clifford finally returns to the studio, walking in the front door. He asks Bobo how the show is doing, and Bobo says that Dennis Quaid is doing great. In fact, he thinks that Dennis and Clifford should do the show together. They could call it the "Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good-Time Hour Featuring Dennis Quaid." This depresses Clifford again, and he heads into the elevator. The phone rings and Bobo answers it with "Homicide, Detective Bobo." It's Dennis, calling from the control room. He wants to know where Clifford is. Bobo tells him he headed up to the roof. When Dennis asks him why, Bobo says that he's not a licensed psychologist, but he thinks Clifford is suffering from clinical depression caused by Dennis' hyper-efficient performance of his duties. Dennis asks, "Are you saying it's my fault?" Bobo says, "What do I know? I'm a bear. I get my jollies from tipping over garbage cans."
Clifford steps out onto the roof, where some pigeons ask him why he's so depressed. Clifford complains that the people he works with don't need him anymore, and he probably belongs here, "up on the roof." Music starts up, and the pigeons complain that they wish for once someone would come up there and sing "Born To Be Wild." But Clifford is singing "Up On The Roof," with the pigeons singing backup.
In the middle of the song, Rizzo and a bunch of the other Muppets show up. There's a problem with the transmitter, and they need Clifford to fix it. Clifford suggests they get Dennis to fix it, but Rizzo says that Dennis is just an actor, and only Clifford can fix the transmitter. Clifford says okay, and asks if anyone has a wrench. It turns out that no one does, so Clifford uses Rizzo instead. He grabs Rizzo and uses him to tighten a bolt, which fixes the problem (Rizzo: "I'm going to be tasting bolt grease for a week.") Everyone apologizes for paying so much attention to Dennis, since they still care about Clifford. Clifford feels good again, and is ready to solve their next problem: someone needs to get onstage and say goodnight.
The scene cuts to the stage, where Clifford, Dennis, and Rizzo are saying goodnight. Clifford thanks Dennis for being on the show, calling him a man who can do anything. Dennis says he really can't do everything, and that most of the things he did on the show were either lucky guesses or bluffs. As if to prove his point, an IRS agent walks onstage looking for Rizzo. He wants to talk to him about the tax return Dennis filed for him. Rizzo runs off with the agent and a couple of cops running after him.
Dennis tells Clifford that he thinks he needs a break. Apparently his friend Greg Hall is going to give him flying lessons. This causes Clifford to remark, "Goodness gracious, Greg Hall's a flyer?" The piano is pushed onstage and Dennis starts singing again. He only sings a couple of lines, though, before stopping and saying to Clifford that "Greg Hall's a flyer" is a bit of a stretch, but Clifford tells him that when he's got a good thing going he should stick with it. So Dennis starts singing again, and all the Muppets come onstage to dance.
Back in front of Gilbert Gottfried's house, Gilbert is telling Kermit what a wonderful time he had. Kermit tries to leave, but he finds his feet are stuck in fresh cement. Apparently Gilbert has put the cement there to get Kermit's footprints. Gilbert is also stuck, so to pass the time until they get rescued (or they starve to death) Gilbert serenades Kermit with a little opera.
The first outtake is in the commissary, where Seymour is running around with the squid on his head. Pepe is laughing his head off, saying, "He's not going to make it," and "he's going down." The second one is from Clifford's conversation with Zippety. Zippety does this strange thing with his head, and Clifford asks him what it is, imitating him. The last one is in the commissary again, where Pepe is shouting into the walkie-talkie, "Clifford! He's dying! Clifford! Cliff-ord!!"
Go to the Andie MacDowell episode