As the episode begins, Heather Locklear walks out of the elevator and looks around. Nobody seems to be about -- because everyone is hiding in the closet. They seem to think that she is like her mean character on Melrose Place, and are scared she might blackmail them, start love triangles, or frame them for murder and get them sent to the electric chair. This last thought causes them all to scream, which Heather hears. She opens the closet door and all the Muppets run out. She manages to snag Clifford, who tells her that they're all a little scared of her. She explains that she's a nice, normal person.
Heather: "I couldn't hurt a flea." A flea pops up. Flea: "Really?" Heather: "Yes." Flea: "Really??" Heather: "Yes." Flea: "Really, really, really really, really, really, really, really-" Heather punches the flea. Heather: "Well that doesn't count. He was starting to annoy me."
Kermit's intro: "Very special guest star Heather Locklear."
Clifford's intro: "the show that has people all over the country saying:" Cut to Statler and Waldorf. Two movers are standing next to the tv. Waldorf: "Get that thing out of here now!" The two movers carry the tv away. Statler and Waldorf: "Yea!!"
The first sketch is a musical number, "They've Got An Awful Lot of Coffee in Brazil." It tries to answer the question of why everyone drinks so much darn coffee.
The next sketch is the Hardy Pig Boys in "The Mystery of the Zombie Queen of the Amazon Outer Space Jungle Bee-Woman Case (based on a novel by Jane Austen)". It is starring, and written by, Andy and Randy Pig. They are junior space detectives, marooned on an alien planet where they are trying to solve a mystery. A bee-creature appears.
Bee: "Halt. Who are you?" Andy and Randy: "This mystery's too hard!" Bee: "Silence! Prepare to meet the sophisticated and intelligent ruler of this planet, Queen Hawaya." Randy: "Hawaya?" Bee: "Oh, not bad, how are you?" Andy and Randy: "We don't get it!"
Heather is standing out of camera range, talking to Clifford about the sketch. She doesn't want to do the sketch, since it's so stupid. But Clifford convinces her to do it by telling her the pigs studied with Lee Strasberg for 8 years. So she goes on stage.
Heather: "So, Hardy Pig Boys, what foolish quest brings you before Queen Hawaya?" Andy: "Hawaya?" Heather: "Not bad, how are you?" Randy: "We still don't get it." Heather: "But I thought you wrote it."
Andy and Randy say that they based the story on one of those Jane Austen things -- you know, the things with the hard cardboard on the outside and the soft flat stuff inside. "You mean a book." says Heather. "No," says Randy, "pizza." Heather calls out for Clifford. Clifford hides, telling Zippety-Zap that if Heather comes looking for him, Zippety should tell her he went to a Neil Diamond concert (Zippety: "Oh that's cold.").
Back onstage, Heather is flipping through the script, trying to find something that is actually funny. She finally finds something, and starts the scene from there. She tells the Hardy Pig Boys that she is going to sacrifice them to a horrible monster: Frogzilla. The camera cuts to Kermit the Frog, who has lots of pointy teeth and scales down his back. He is trampling trees underfoot and screaming a Godzilla-like scream. He turns to the camera and says, "Gee, this is fun. I never get to play the bad guy." Then he rips a tree out of the ground with his teeth, but the weight of the tree causes him to fall over backwards.
In the control room, Nigel the Director cues "Ice Station Zebra." This is a quick sketch with a zebra out on the ice with a couple of penguins behind him. The zebra says, "I'm freezing my stripes off out here." Indeed, his stripes are falling off.
Backstage, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker are pushing along a cart of Bunsen's mood-altering snacks. Bunsen explains that the biscotti will cause a chemical reaction in a person's brain, making him incredibly nice. But the chimichanga will have the opposite effect, causing the person to become evil. Bunsen has to go to the little scientist's room, and leaves Beaker to take the snacks back to the lab for more experiments. But just then Heather Locklear walks up and decides to have a snack. Beaker is unable to stop her from taking a bite out of one of the chimichangas. She suddenly turns evil.
Heather: "What are you looking at, you little swizzle-stick carrot top?" Beaker: "Me me me me me me me me!" Heather: "Oh, you, you, you, it's always about you!"
Heather gives Beaker a huge kiss, and then punches him for getting fresh with her. Beaker goes flying through the control room and into the stage area, startling Clifford, who was just telling a couple of other Muppets that Heather is really a sweet person. Heather comes into the control room and tells them that it's going to be a bumpy night. As she cackles evilly, lightning crashes.
Out in the stage area, Bunsen is dictating a report about his mood meals to a mini recorder. He walks by a camera which has Beaker stuck in it - his head is sticking out the front and his feet are sticking out the back. Chaos seems to reign in the control rool, which can be seen through the window -- equipment is flying around, lightning is crashing. Nigel and a couple of other Muppets carry a control panel out into the stage area so Nigel can go to commercial.
When they come back from commercial, the Muppets are cleaning up the mess in the control room. Clifford says he's figured out a way to use the evil Heather by putting her in the "Muppet Heights" sketch. But Bunsen tells him that he has given Heather the biscotti, so now she is as nice as can be.
Nigel cues "Muppet Heights", starring Johnny Fiama as Clark Bar, Sal as Chaz, and Bill the Bubble Guy as Councilman William B. Guy. The scene opens in the luxury apartment of Diamanda, where Chaz is waiting. The doorbell rings and Clark walks in. But Sal addresses him as Johnny, and Johnny and Sal have a small argument over their names. Johnny finally moves on. He goes over to the bedroom door and demands that Diamanda come out and "let the world see the evil side of womanhood." Heather, playing Diamanda, comes out, but she is wearing pyjamas and has her hair up in a couple of ponytails. She has just knit some mittens for everyone. She suggests they have a slumber party and make s'mores. When Bill comes in, she gets all gooey over his bubbles. Johnny gets fed up and stalks off, leaving Heather to sing a happy little song with Sal and Bill.
Clifford is watching this from the control room. He complains to Rizzo the Rat that Heather is too nice now, and Rizzo says he'll get Bunsen right on it. Nigel then cues "Tales From the Vet."
Dr. Phil van Neuter starts the episode, but the music cue from the opening doesn't stop. He calls over to Mulch, telling him to stop the music, which Mulch is obviously enjoying. Mulch finally stops the music. Dr. Phil goes over to the secret files and pulls out the story of Percy the Ham-eating Pig. Percy does indeed like his ham sandwich, though he wonders where his Uncle Oscar is.
Dr. Phil: "Needless to say, Percy loved having his family for dinner."
Dr. Phil tries to end the show, and yells at Mulch to start the end music. But Mulch starts playing the theme from "The Patti Duke Show" instead. Mulch and Dr. Phil start dancing with each other as the sketch ends.
Back in Heather's dressing room, Heather has just presented Bunsen with a throw pillow embroidered with the periodic table of the elements. How sweet. Bunsen is there to reintegrate Heather's good and evil personalities through hypnosis. He and Beaker start a spiralling wheel going to hypnotize her, and Bunsen tells her that when she hears a certain sound (Beaker hits a metal bar with a screwdriver) he will be talking to the evil Heather. Beaker makes the sound, and Heather turns evil. She drags Bunsen over by his lapels and demands to be cut in on his snack business. Beaker then hits the bar with the screwdriver and Heather changes back, remarking, "You know who doesn't get enough credit? The Osmonds." Just then a voice announces that Heather is wanted onstage for the final number. But instead of coming from a PA system, it is coming from a guy behind the couch who is holding his nose (so it sounds like a PA system). Heather leaves for the final number. Bunsen comments that this is highly irregular, while Beaker seems to have been hypnotized by the spinning wheel.
The final number is Kermit singing "Strolling Through the Park One Day" with Heather. They are dressed in Turn of the Century clothing, and Kermit has a cane -- which he taps on the ground after each line, making a sound just like Beaker's screwdriver made against the metal bar. So Heather keeps switching back and forth between evil and good. While she is evil she pops Bean Bunny's balloon, destroy's Bobo the Bear's hat, trips some people, pulls Andy and Randy Pig's hats down over their eyes (causing them to ride their bicycles over Kermit), and uses her umbrella to do batting practice with some cute rabbits (Rizzo: "We're gonna hear from people."). Kermit quickly rushes the song to its end, and his final cane tap makes Heather good again.
Cut to Statler and Waldorf, whose tv is being returned by the two movers. Statler: "Hey, why are you bringing that tv back?" Movers: "It's from the Muppets Tonight sweepstakes." Waldorf: "We won?" Statler: "No, we lost."
Onstage, Clifford comes on to say goodbye. But before he does that, he gets Bunsen to fix Heather. Bunsen uses the trout-a-noggin' technique, where Beaker hits Heather over the head with a fish. Heather finally feels normal.
Clifford: "Say goodnight, Heather." Heather: "Goodnight, Heather." Clifford: "I never get tired of hearing that."
Backstage, Carl is eating the mood meals.
Carl eats a biscotti. Carl: "Ooh, I love this biscotti." He eats a chimichanga. Carl: "Ooh, I hate this chimichanga." He eats a biscotti. Carl: "Ooh, and I love this biscotti." He eats a chimichanga. Carl: "And I hate these chimichangas." He eats a lamp. Carl: "Ooh, and I love this lamp." He eats an alarm clock. Carl: "Ooh, I hate this alarm clock." He rings. Carl: "Thank you."
The first is from the "Muppet Heights" sketch. Johnny is telling Sal that his name isn't Johnny, it's -- but he forgets the name, and starts hopping up and down. Sal joins him. The second one is from the Hardy Pig Boys sketch. Between takes, Andy and Randy are doing strange things with their magnifying glasses and their noses. Clifford finally tells them to stop it. The last is from the shot where Johnny is introduced in the "Muppet Heights" sketch. It is also from between takes, and he is dancing around.
Go to the Jason Alexander episode