The scene opens with Gonzo the Great and Jason Alexander together in Jason's dressing room. They are both wearing identical letterman jerseys, as it turns out that they went to school together. They are going through their yearbook.
Jason: "What a bunch of weirdos and geeks we used to hang out with. Remember that freaky little guy the frat guys used to tie to the back of a car and drag around the campus by his nose?" Gonzo: "That was me."
Apparently they were in the drama club together, and wrote a musical called "Bats." Gonzo suggests that they do it on the show. "We're the Muppets. Doing a bizarre musical number that no one wants to see is what we're all about!"
Kermit then walks in, and Gonzo asks him if he wants to hear their old school fight song. Kermit, says he's not interested, but Gonzo and Jason do it anyway. They get out their pom-poms and cheer:
Give a cheer Give a shout Tell 'em what we're all about We're the team that's gonna rule We're from South Bay Regional Polytechnic Institute for the Performing and Industrial Arts Night School Downtown Campus As Seen In the Motion Picture Fame
Kermit's intro: "Very special guest star Jason Alexander."
Clifford's intro: "Let's see what's shaking with the band. Yo Jowls, I heard you had a gig this weekend." Jowls: "Yah yah ooh ya coo" The band laughs Clifford: (turning to audience) "I don't understand what he says either."
Clifford introduces an act fot the eggheads in the audience.
1st egg in audience: "Egg-cellent!" 2nd egg: "Oh there you go with the same old yolks." 1st egg: "Well, you told me to come out of my shell."
The number turns out to be Animal doing a classical music interlude. Animal knocks over Clifford as he runs on stage. He runs up to a gong and plays it with his face (with musical accompaniment), but after a couple of whacks he falls to the floor, crying, "Mommy."
Statler: "This show's off to a fast start." Waldorf: "Good, maaybe it will end quicker."
Backstage, Jason and Gonzo are working on the set for "Bats". Things are going great, especially since Gonzo has found some great bat background singers. But they turn out to be Gonzo's chickens, who cluck "Turkey in the Straw" for Jason. Jason asks if he can talk to Gonzo privately, where he asks him, "Are you nuts?!?" Gonzo assures him that when they get the costumes on it will really sell the bat thing.
Jason: "It's not about selling. It's not about costumes. It's about emotions, it's about character..." Rizzo: "It's about time you went on stage there, Jason."
Jason leaves for his first number, and Gonzo tells the chickens that Jason loved then, and they shouldn't change a thing.
The next sketch is an Agatha Christy parody, with Jason Alexander playing Hercule Poirot in "Murder on the Disoriented Express." The scene opens on a darkened train car, where Mr. Poodlepants is walking down the aisle. Suddenly a shot rings out, the light comes on, and Mr. Poodlepants has been shot! Kermit the Frog, as the conductor, tells everyone that a great detective is on board, and introduces "Mssr. Hercules Poirot" (note the extra 's' on the end of his name). Jason walks in, pointing out that it is not "Hercules" but "Hercule." He wants to begin the investigation by asking a few questions, and Bobo the Bear asks him if he's going to use his super strength to lift up the train and shake the clues out. This goes on through the entire sketch, the other characters mistaking the fictional Belgian detective for the mythical Greek demi-god. Jason finally storms off the set, saying the others aren't professionals or artists, and if they want to see great theater they should watch his finale. Jason of course falls off the back of the train in his haste to leave.
The next sketch is "Pigs In Space: Deep Dish 9, the Next Generation of Pigs In Space." Piggy wants to introduce the latest member of the crew, a computer named the AL 1995 (plus tax). She tests the computer's capabilities by asking what 2+2 is. AL says, "One moment, calculating," and starts playing the Jeopardy theme. When the theme is finished, AL asks, "I'm sorry, but when you said plus, did you mean - make bigger?"
Suddenly the ship is attacked by space pirates led by the infamous Captain Vendela. Piggy remarks that Cpt. Vendela is a hideous creature, but it turns out to be super-model Vendela. All the male members of the crew follow after her to be her personal slaves. Just then AL finally answers, "Four."
Back on the "Bats" set, Jason is a little leery about a giant laser cannon that Gonzo wants to add to the the number. They have a huge argument, one that they apparently had all the time in school: Jason wants to do something high-minded and classy, while Gonzo wants a lot of special effects and gimmicks. Both of them walk off, vowing never to work with each other again.
On stage, Clifford introduces a clip from a '70s show called Muppet Bandstand, which was disco sensation Jason Alexander's television debut. Kermit is hosting the show, on which Jason and Miss Piggy are guests. Jason has beautiful, thick, blond hair, and seems really ditzy. He and Piggy start dancing. Jason throws Piggy up in the air at one point, then goes over to a chair and does the water bit from Flashdance. He then catches Piggy to end their number. Kermit comes over with a microphone, which Jason grabs. He is electrocuted (since he's all wet), which fries his hair, making it brown and balding.
Jason: "My beautiful blond hair! I'm ruined! Now I'm just a short neurotic bald guy with a New York accent. What can I do now? Where can I possibly fit in?" Piggy: "A sitcom?" Jason: "Get real!"
Statler: "That last number was a real show-stopper." Waldorf: "Too bad it didn't stop this show."
The next sketch is another exciting episode of "Thor: God of Thunder." In this episode, Thor is trying to check out some books from the library, but he doesn't have a library card (or any other ID). Before ending, it devolves into a lightning fight between Thor and Zeus.
In the control room, Clifford and Rizzo decide to trick Gonzo and Jason into doing the closing number together. Clifford asks Gonzo what number he's thinking of, and when Gonzo guesses right he wins a chance to do the closing number with Jason. But in Jason's dressing room, he says he won't be fooled by that simple trick. So Clifford and Rizzo leave, telling Jason to listen to his conscience.
Suddenly the lights dim, and some eerie music starts. Pepe the Prawn appears on Jason's shoulder, wearing wings and a halo. He says, "I am your Good Conscience, and I think you should do the closing number with Gonzo." Seymour the Elephant appears on his other shoulder, wearing horns and saying, "I am your Bad Conscience, and I also think you should do the closing number with Gonzo." Then they do their song.
Seymour: "I'm Bad Conscience" Pepe: "I'm Good Conscience" Both: "We're two of a kind" Pepe: "I think you should do the closing number" Seymour: "And I also think so too" It doesn't quite scan
Jason finally agrees to do the number, but only to get Seymour off his back.
On stage, Kermit introduces Jason and Gonzo for the finale. They are wearing bat costumes, and Jason recites some very high-brow lyrics to music that sounds suspiciously like "Cats." Gonzo realizes that Jason is losing the audience, and calls in a couple of bat backup singers so he can do that old disco hit "Bats the Way I Like It." The audience loves it. But Jason kicks them off and sings some more of his high-brow stuff. But he's completely dying, and Gonzo rescues him with the chickens, dressed in red, white, and blue, and clucking "You're a Grand Old Flag." Jason realizes that the audience loves the gimmicks and special effects, and ends the song with Gonzo, singing, "Should auld acquaintence wear a hat, keep your eye on that grand old bat."
Clifford then comes on stage to thank Jason. Jason says that Gonzo and his special effects were the ones to thank for saving the number. But Gonzo says it was Jason's delivery and lyrics that made it so great. This of course causes them to get in another argument as the show ends.
The first one is from Animal's number, where he hits the gong on the wrong beat. He apologizes, and starts singing, "I Got Rhythm," but Clifford tells him, "No you don't." The second outtake is from the Conscience scene. Jason blows a line, which causes Pepe to say, "Hey, guess what. You made a boo-boo, like I did." He then kisses Jason on the nose.
Go to the Pierce Brosnan episode