The show opens in John Goodman's dressing room. While Andy and Randy Pig try to change a burnt-out light, John is telling Clifford that he wants a nice, relaxing show. Andy and Randy break the light and it starts sparking. John stops the pigs from playing with it, thus saving their lives. John says to Clifford, "the ig-pays are a little upid-stay." The pigs realize that John knows the Ancient Tongue, and start to worship him with, "e-way are not orthy-way!" After John and Clifford leave, Andy and Randy decide that they must become John's personal slaves for saving their lives. Randy says, "If it wasn't for him, we might have been elocuted. Like this." And the pigs reach up to play with the busted light.
John and Clifford are walking down the hall when the lights flicker, and smoke comes out of the star's dressing room. John notices that it smells like bacon.
Kermit's Opening: "very special guest star John Goodman"
Clifford's Opening: "Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has families all around the world saying:" Cut to a family watching the show Family: "I don't get it." Family dog: "Oh, I do. You see, they're making fun of all of you, and uh ... oh, never mind"
Tales from the Vet opens the show, with an extra scary episode. Dr. Phil van Neuter is going to read some fan mail, which Mulch brings out. Mulch only has two letters, though.
Phil: "Two letters, that's it?" Mulch: "Mumble-growl-mumble." Phil: "What do you mean the rest were for you? You can't even read!"
One of the letters asks Dr. Phil to tell how he met his wife (who also happens to be Mulch's sister) Composta Heap. The letter also asks him to "please tell us in a song, preferably one by Thomas Dolby". So Dr. Phil starts a flashback to when he was in college at Stufts U., where he sings "She Blinded Me with Science" while wooing Composta (who looks like Mulch in a wig).
The next sketch is "The Rat's Patrol". This is a takeoff on the WWII battle show, but with John Goodman leading a platoon of rats against the enemy cheese. They have a run-in with a Swiss cheese ("Don't shoot. We are neutral"), followed by a run-in with an artillery shell (after a few cannibalism jokes). A sketch chock full of puns.
After the sketch, Andy and Randy accost John in the control room. They are wearing t-shirts with a picture of Goodman and the logo "Our Master". They offer to bathe him in precious oils -- 40-weight or corn. He says they can press his suit, but they just walk up to him and press their hands against the clothes he's wearing. He tells them to stop, but they say he needs them. As proof, they produce a live grenade from the last sketch that John supposedly forgot. The grenade explodes, sending John flying into the ceiling. John says, "I'm, uh, not relaxing."
Back onstage is Gonzo and Rizzo's Incredible Discoveries. The discoveries are that putting your nose into an electric pencil-sharpener, putting electric eels in your shorts, and playing catch with a wrecking ball all hurt.
Statler: "I've got an incredible discovery." Waldorf: "What's that?" Statler: "When you watch this show..." Both: "It hurts!"
Later, Andy is giving John a scalp massage. But it turns out that he's using glue instead of oil; "That way you never have to style your hair again." Randy returns with John's suit, which he has burned in several places with the iron. John tries to kick them out, but they can't find the "get-out thingie", and become scared. John shows them where the door is, and they thank him for saving their lives again. John hangs his head in his hands. When Clifford walks in, John starts complaining to him, but then finds that his hands are stuck to his hair. He pulls his hands off, but some hair comes off with them.
Back on stage, Clifford shows a TV pilot the Muppets did with John Goodman back in 1969 called "The Lunarmooners". It's a parody of "The Honeymooners", with Goodman playing Alf and Miss Piggy playing his wife Allyson. Fozzie plays his neighbor, Newton. "Bang! Zoom! Right to the Earth!" You get the picture.
Statler: "Well there you go. There's nothing like good comedy." Waldorf: "Nothing like it on this show!"
John decides to even his score with the pigs by having them save his life. He hangs himself out his window, first making sure he's tied himself to the radiator across the room so he doesn't actually fall. When Andy and Randy see him, they decide to throw him a life preserver, and use the "thing that makes our hands smoke and blister" -- i.e. the radiator. John falls into a truck filled with mousetraps -- and one bear trap.
Kermit walks into the control room, where Nigel tells him that everything is going wrong, what with Clifford trying to get the bear trap off John's head, and that there's no one on stage to introduce Johnny Fiama. So Kermit volunteers.
Johnny wants to sing a love song to a woman picked from the audience, while they have a romantic dinner for two. Sal plays the waiter. But Sal picks a woman who doesn't even like Johnny. Johnny chooses veal for dinner ("the meat of love") and starts singing "Close To You", but the woman interrupts him, telling him, "I don't eat veal." Sal tells the woman she had better eat the veal, so she slugs Sal and leaves. Sal offers to sit and eat the veal while Johnny sings.
Clifford tells Rizzo to put something on stage while he checks out John Goodman in the infirmary. Bobo the Bear asks if he can go on, since he has this amazing memory act he does. But Bobo can't even remember what show he used to do it on, so Rizzo puts on Carl, the big mean bagpipe eater.
Carl, a large green monster with horns, walks onstage with a bagpipe, and says, "Hi, I'm Carl, and now I'll eat these bagpipes." He eats them, followed with a bagpipey burp.
In the infirmary, John is covered with bandages and casts. The doctor tells him to get some rest, "and don't think about those two stupid you-know-whats." Andy and Randy pop up, saying, "You mean us?". John starts screaming as the Psycho music plays. John wakes up from his nightmare, where he's still in traction, but the pigs aren't there. Clifford is standing next to the bed, and tells John he's going to have to cancel the closing number. John protests that he's still going to do it. He starts singing "Feelin' All Right" from his bed, as the doctors spin him around. The shot then cuts to the main stage, where John is wearing a Blues Brothers-type hat, and dancing around holding onto his IV drip. He finishes the song with Andy and Randy singing along.
When the song ends, Clifford thanks John for being on the show.
John: "All things considered, this is one of the WORST experiences I've ever had." Clifford: "That's what all our guest stars say." John: "Well, at least you're consistent."
After the commercial break, the scene opens on the set of Roseanne, where a stagehand (played by puppeteer Jerry Nelson) is straightening magazines on the coffee table. He welcomes John Goodman back to the show, as John plops down on the couch. John remarks that it's nice to be back, since the Muppets were driving him crazy. He asks someone to get him some coffee, and Andy and Randy pop up to volunteer. They work on Roseanne now. John screams once more, as the Psycho music starts up again.
Go to the Cindy Crawford episode
Go to the Index