As the show begins, the elevator opens on the studio floor and Seymour the Elephant ushers Paula Abdul in. She is greeted by Clifford, who tells her that it is a tradition for the guest star to kiss him. Paula looks doubtful, and asks him how old the tradition is. Rizzo the Rat tells her, "About 30 seconds." Paula accuses Clifford of flirting with all the ladies, but Clifford says she is beautiful, and he could watch her until the cows come home. Just then a couple of cows walk by, saying, "Clifford, we're home."
Kermit opening: "very special guest star Paula Abdul"
Clifford's opening: "a show that can be summed up in one word: supamagimarvelmagniterifibrillcoolwity." The shot cuts to the cue card guy holding an extremely long sign with the word. He collapses under the weight. (Goof: instead of "terifi", the card says "teriei")
Clifford first introduces Gonzo the Great. Gonzo's act is a team of well-trained artillery shells, the Refined Young Cannonballs. The cannonballs roll onstage. They are all wearing yellow polka-dot bow ties. Gonzo asks Camilla to start the music, which happens to be the "1812 Overture", and he steps behind a bank of cannons with a lit sparkler. At the appropriate times during the music, Gonzo fires off a cannon, usually striking one of the Muppets with it. He hits most of the Muppets in the control room, the camera man, and even the cue card guy. One of the cannonballs almost hits Johnny Fiama, but Sal the Monkey stops the ball and tells it, "Hey, hey, hey! No cannonball hits Johnny Fiama." So the cannonball hits Sal. Johnny says, "Nice work there, Sal," but he gets hit by the next cannonball. As Gonzo wraps up the number, laughing maniacally, Clifford becomes the last victim -- except for Gonzo, who is hit on the head by a falling cannonball during the applause.
Cannonball: "Sorry boss." Gonzo: "Don't worry. I didn't feel a thing because the little people floating around in my head, they protected me." Gonzo collapses in pain.
Back in the hallway, Clifford is having himself carried off in a stretcher, even though he wasn't really hurt that badly by the cannonball. He times it so Paula Abdul is walking down the corridor at the same time. Clifford tells Paula that he's hurt bad, and asks for a kiss, since it might be his last. Paula says okay, but when Clifford puckers up, Paula lifts Rizzo up to do the honors. Clifford immediately gets up off the stretcher, spitting and shouting, "I kissed a rat!" Rizzo is also spitting and shouting, "I kissed a non-rat!"
The next segment is an editorial message from Sam the Eagle. Just as he begins he is hit with a cannonball. But Sam picks himself up and does his editorial, which is about the lack of heroes in society today. As an example he shows two typical youngsters growing up in society today - Andy and Randy Pig. They are playing a video game and outfitted with the latest in VR Laser Tag equipment. They have an argument about who is winning the video game, and then decide to actually turn the game on. Sam claims that this shocking state of ignorance is because young people don't have any heroes. Andy and Randy finish their violent video game and realize they feel like hurting each other violently. Sam comes over and asks them if they have any heroes. They pigs answer that they do, and hold up a pair of hero sandwiches. They begin hitting each other with them.
Statler: "What'd you think of that sketch?" Waldorf: "Well, it was better than getting hit in the head by a two-by-four." Statler: "No it wasn't." Waldorf: "Yeah, you're right. (Shouting) Hit me again!" A nurse walks in with a two-by-four and hits Waldorf in the face with it. Statler laughs.
Next up is Carl the Big Mean Porcupine Eater. Carl walks out with a porcupine who introduces himself as Raymond J. Saluga. Carl eats poor Raymond, and then chases him down with a bucket of water. The water spurts out from several holes in Carl's body, ostensibly made by the porcupine quills. Carl thanks the audience.
In the control room, Nigel the Director cues the Nine Inch Snails. But he is told they're not there yet because they're "carpooling with the turtles." So Nigel cues Whales Theater instead.
In this sketch, the Classic Whales Theater presents "Sherlock Holmes in the Case of the Red Herring." While Watson and the housekeeper are played by people, Holmes is played by a large whale who keeps on crushing the housekeeper. The case of red herring is an actual wooden case of fish.
Kermit the Frog introduces the next number, "Opposites Attract", featuring Clifford and Paula Abdul. It's a song and dance number where Paula dances with several Muppets, including Clifford, Sweetums, Doglion, and the Bossmen. A couple of the Koozbanians sing backup.
Back in the control room Nigel wants to cue the Nine Inch Snails again, but they still aren't there. "What are they doing, crawling?!?" asks Nigel. "In a word: yes," replies one of the other Muppets in the control room. So Nigel cues Bunsen and Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker are demonstrating their latest invention. Responding to Sam's earlier editorial about the lack of heroes, Bunsen and Beaker have built one: a robotic Abraham Lincoln. The Robot Lincoln walks out and immediately starts having problems, bumping into things and repeating "our forefathers" several times (Bunsen: "That's 16 fathers."). Suddenly Robot Lincoln blows a fuse and starts running amuck. He picks up Beaker and starts twirling him around by his foot.
Back in the control room, Paula and Kermit are watching the mayhem on a monitor. Paula says she's seen some crazy stuff before, but this show is just weird. Kermit takes inventory, saying they have a crazed robot (Beaker goes flying through the control room) and talking cannonballs (one of the cannonballs walks up and asks where the little cannonball's room is), and decides that this is a pretty average show.
Nigel wants to cue the Nine Inch Snails again, but once again there is a problem. While they have finally arrived, they can't go on because they were mobbed by groupies. Rizzo says, "Yeah, it was a slug-fest. Hah-hah, get it, slug?" Nigel cues Pigs in Space.
Yes, once again it's time for "Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine: The Next Generation of Pigs in Space." The artificial gravity system has broken down and everybody starts floating -- except for Miss Piggy. She is still stuck on the ground. Craniac figures out what the problem with the artificial gravity is, and flips a switch to fix it. They all fall to the floor, one of them landing on Piggy. They decide to turn off the gravity a couple more times just for fun.
Bunsen and Beaker stroll into the control room, dressed a little like the Ghostbusters. They tell Clifford they have shot Robot Lincoln with powerful rays that should diminish his strength by a factor of three. Just then Robot Lincoln breaks down the control room door and grabs Beaker again. As Robot Lincoln bangs Beaker's head against the window, Bunsen realizes that they set the rays to increase threefold, not decrease.
Waldorf: "Did you see that stiff, lifeless, robotic acting?" Statler: "By Lincoln?" Waldorf: "No, by the rest of the cast." They laugh. Waldorf: "Actually I like Lincoln." Statler: "You should like him. You voted for him." They laugh again.
The next sketch is "Great Moments in Elvis History." Tonight is "Elvis Caesar." It's the usual collection of puns and Elvis jokes, this time mostly about food. Next time will be "Sir Elvis Newton."
Clifford introduces the next act, the Whipley Triplets. This is a trio of very cute young girls who are singing "Tonight You Belong To Me." There are cute bunnies dancing in the background. But Robot Lincoln storms onstage, tossing the bunnies around and reciting lines from the Gettysburg Address as he destroys the set.
Clifford, Paula, and Rizzo are watching the mayhem from the control room. Clifford tells Paula that he won't let her go out on stage with the crazed Robot Lincoln out there. So Paula leaves, stunning Clifford. He didn't think she'd actually leave! But Paula comes back and says that she doesn't want to let anyone down, so she'll go out there and take care of Lincoln. Rizzo asks her for a good-luck kiss, so Paula gives him a kiss on the nose. Rizzo says, "Yes! She digs me," causing Clifford to whack him.
On stage, Robot Lincoln is sad because nobody likes him. But Paula come on and sings "Somebody To Lean On" with the rest of the Muppets joining in.
Sam: "Tonight I believe we have learned an important lesson about heroism. Heroes cannot be built, they must be born. They cannot be made, they must be shaped by adversity like our fabulous guest star, Ms. Paula Abdul, who took a disaster and turned it into a rather nice closing number, don't you think."
Paula and the Muppets finish the number.
After the show is over, the Nine Inch Snails finally show up to do their number. They're a group of snails dressed in leather and chains, with plenty of body piercings. They sing a parody of a Nine Inch Nails song.
The first outtake takes place after the closing number. The Muppets are lined up to get kisses from Paula. Clifford is last in line, and finally gets his kiss. He makes it a big one. The next one is a long sequence of people in the control room getting hit with cannonballs. The one guy who isn't getting hit is laughing and having quite a bit of fun with it.
Go to the Billy Crystal episode