Pierce Brosnan episode summary

As the episode begins, Pierce Brosnan is being shown some of the equipment he will be using on tonight's episode by Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker. They include a microphone with a button that makes Beaker's pants explode and a "deadly alarm clock," which is an ordinary alarm clock fired with a large sling shot at close range (Bunsen: "It really hurts.") Kermit the Frog walks in, and Pierce complains to him that everyone is treating him like he's James Bond. He's really not that suave and debonair in real life. He starts cleaning his ear with a cotton swab, but just then Bunsen walks over, asking himself where he put the "high-powered laser of death cotton swab." A laser shoots out of Pierce's other ear, burning a huge whole in the wall. Bobo the Bear is in the next room, taking a bath. He says, "Hey, this is the reason I moved out of the Y."

Kermit's intro: "very special guest star Pierce Brosnan."

Clifford's intro: "the show that can be seen everywhere
	from Istanbul to Constantinople."
Rizzo the Rat comes on stage.
Rizzo: "Clifford, haven't you heard?  Istanbul is
	Constantinople."
Clifford: "What do you mean?"
Four rats in Turkish robes pop up and sing a couple of
	lines from the They Might Be Giants hit "Istanbul,
	Not Constantinople."

Clifford then introduces Pierce Brosnan, and the camera changes to one that has the trademark James Bond gun-barrel circle, and the Bond theme music starts up. But Pierce doesn't show up on stage to appear in the circle. Clifford asks, "All right, where is he?"

Backstage, Pierce is running up and down the hall, trying to find the door to the stage. He opens several doors, finally walking in on Bobo, who is blow-drying his fur. Bobo says, "You again? You must be one sad and lonely man."

Back on stage, Clifford realizes that Pierce isn't going to show up, so he quickly ducks offstage to ask Rizzo what's available. Rizzo says all they have are the Dancing Grandmas, or Seymour the Elephant and Pepe the Prawn singing German opera. Seymour and Pepe then appear (they are both wearing horned helmets) and begin to sing:

Seymour: "I'm Tristan."
Pepe: "I'm Isolde."
Both: "We're two of a kind."
Pepe: "We both wear lederhosen."
Seymour: "And go swimming up the Rhine."
Both: "Ta-da!"

Clifford goes back on stage to introduce the Dancing Grandmas, causing Pepe to say, "I told you we should've done Sugar Babies." The Grandmas are pretty hot, dancing to "La Bamba."

Statler: "Woo-woo!  Look at her shake that thing."
Waldorf: "What thing is that?"
Statler: "I don't remember."

In the control room, Clifford and Rizzo are watching the Grandmas on the monitor. A Muppet calls out to Clifford from where he is standing next to the hall door. He says, "Look, I finally got over my fear of standing next to closed doors." Of course the door opens, sending the guy flying across the room, and Pierce walks in. He covers his eyes and says, "If there are any naked bears in here, please speak up now." Clifford tells him that he's just in time for the Spy In The Casino sketch, where Pierce will get into a fight, dance with a beautiful girl, and other James Bond stuff. Pierce objects, since this is live television. In the movies they plan everything out, use stunt doubles and special effects, go to exotic locations like Istanbul and Constantinople -- at which point the Turkish Rats pop up again and sing another verse from the song. The song has given Pierce a moment to think, though, and he agrees to do the sketch, fly without a net, get it perfect the first time. He says, "I'll be back," and then trips over his own feet. He gets up, says he's all right, and then walks out the door, knocking aside the same guy he hit when he came in.

The scene changes to a casino. Pierce is at the roulette table, where he has just won again. He tosses a chip to the roulette croupier as a tip, but hits him in the eye. He puts the chips in his jacket pocket, but they fall out a hole in the bottom. He grabs a glass of champagne from a waiter's tray, but the glasses are all attached to the tray and Pierce spills them all on his face. He is definitely not suave or debonair. He goes over to a table where a fish-guy with an eye patch is playing.

Pierce: "Up to your old tricks of playing pinochle again,
	eh Blowfish."
Blowfish: "It's black jack, you fool!"
Pierce: "Oh.  Changed your name to Blackjack.
	Very clever."

Pierce then leans on the table, upending it and spilling the cards and chips. He apologizes again.

In the control room, Clifford and Rizzo are watching Pierce's sad performance.

Clifford: "He's not exactly Fred Astaire."
Rizzo: "He's more like Fred Fall-Down-Astaire."
There is no reaction from the laugh track.
Clifford: "Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny."

Back in the casino, a Penguin is introducing the evening's entertainment: "The Mama Cass-ino is proud to present the song stylings of Miss Porky Galore." The curtains open and Miss Piggy steps out. She sings, "Whatever Porky wants, Porky gets." She catches Pierce's eye, and immediately heads over to him. They begin to dance, but Pierce hits the button on Piggy's microphone, causing Blowfish's pants to explode. As they continue to dance, he steps on Piggy's toes and then accidentally rips her dress off. Blowfish walks up, and Pierce punches him out, but hurts his hand in the process.

Clifford gets sick of the sketch, and tells Nigel to cue the Bay of Pigswatch sketch while they wake up the Dancing Grandmas. As the sketch begins, Dr. Julius Strangepork, the Commissioner of Beach Safety (and Champ's boss) has arrived to perform an inspection. Apparently Champ's lifeguard license has expired, even though he send Donnie and Artie (Andy and Randy Pig) to renew it for him, and he must pass the lifeguard test again. Much hilarity ensues.

Down in the lobby, Bobo's desk is approached by a bunch of lobsters. The leader of the lobsters tells the others that after they do their musical number they'll take over the studio and make their demands. Bobo asks them who they are, and the leader tells him they're the Rock Lobsters and they're here to do their song. One of the other lobsters almost spills the rest of the plan to Bobo, but the leader covers it up. They all pile into the elevator and head up to the studio.

The Dancing Grandmas are back on stage, busting a move. In the control room, the guy from the earlier scene wants Clifford's attention. "I got over my fear of holding way too many pies next to a closed door." The door opens again, sending him and the pies flying. Fozzie walks in and tells Clifford that Pierce wants to do an act with danger, excitement, and things flying through the air. But it's not an action stunt show, it's juggling with Andy and Randy.

Andy and Randy come on stage, but Pierce is nowhere to be found. He runs on late, explaining that he had to run to the little spy's room. Pierce starts the act, though he seems to be under the impression that his assistants are named Nancy and Clancy. Pierce throws juggling pins at the two pigs, who have no idea what juggling actually is, so the pins just keep hitting them in the head.

Statler: "I guess you've got to take the good with the bad."
Waldorf: "Yeah, but I'm still waiting for the good."

Clifford then introduces the Rock Lobsters, though he is hit on the head with a juggling pin. The Rock Lobsters of course sing the B-52's "Rock Lobster." As the song ends, Clifford remarks to Rizzo that the lobsters are cute, "with their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars, and their little lobster semi-automatic weapons." Clifford realizes what he has just said, and turns to find the Rock Lobsters have taken over the studio. They are actually the Crustacean Liberation Army, and they want to present their demands. They want people to stop calling people in bad moods "crabs," or short people "shrimps." They also demand an end to all the old tv shows being made into movies (for the betterment of all mankind).

Pierce walks into the control room then, holding his suitcase. He wants to apologize for ruining the show and tells them he's leaving. The Muppets say "uh-huh" and turn back to the crisis on stage. But Fozzie turns to Pierce and tells him he thought the juggling act and casino sketch were really funny. Bunsen then comes in and tells him that he found them scientifically entertaining. Pierce suddenly feels good about himself, and says he'll do anything to make the show better. Clifford turns around and asks him to help with the lobster problem. Piece tells Bunsen to get the gadgets together and then heads off to slip into a clever disguise.

On stage, the lobsters are up to demand number 49: "Istanbul should be changed back to Constantinople." The Turkish Rats pop up once more to sing another verse from the song. The head lobster says, "All right, so it wasn't a real demand, I just wanted to hear that song again." The lobster continues on to say that until their demands are met they will decide what the station will show. After a quick conference, they decide they want the Dancing Grandmas.

Statler: "Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling
	something I haven't felt in years."
Waldorf: "What's that?"
Statler: "My pulse."

It's been five minutes, and the lobsters' demands haven't been met yet. So they bring out their hostages -- Seymour and Pepe!

Head Lobster: "So, how does it feel now that you're
	about to be sacrificed, big-shot Capitalistic
	entertainers?  Let's hear you sing now."
Seymour and Pepe: "Okay."
They begin singing.
Seymour: "I'm Seymour."
Pepe: "I'm Pepe."
Both: "We're two of a kind."
Pepe: "We're about to be sacrificed."
Seymour: "And I've got a big behind."
Pepe: (Now speaking to one of the lobsters) "If we only
	had a little more time to prepare, okay."
Head lobster: "Silence!  Take 'em away before they
	sing again."

Before they can drag Seymour and Pepe off, Pierce Brosnan appears, wearing a crustacean costume. He introduces himself as "Prawn. James Prawn." The James Bond theme starts playing in the background. The head lobster welcomes him to their cause, and says Pierce can kill the hostages. But then he changes his mind and decides that he wants to kill them himself. This causes Pierce to remark, "Don't you think you're being a little -- shellfish?" This gives Pierce away, since (according to the lobster) crustaceans don't make puns. The head lobster calls for his men to get Pierce, but with a cry of "your time's up!" Pierce pulls out the deadly alarm clock and slingshot and starts firing clocks at the lobsters' heads from point blank range. "You've really ticked me off," shouts Pierce.

In the control room, Clifford remarks that this would make a great closing number. Rizzo says all they need is some music. The door bursts open and Sal the Monkey and Johnny Fiama walk in, heading for the stage.

Sal: "Outta the way!  Johnny Fiama coming through
	singing a cheap knockoff of a James Bond song."
Johnny: "That's enough there, Sal."

The song they choose to do a cheap knockoff of is Goldfinger, with Sal playing the trumpet stings. Pierce continues to battle the lobsters, and finally defeats them.

After everything has been cleaned up, Clifford and Pierce are back on stage to say good bye. They are joined by Rizzo, Seymour, and Pepe. Pierce is once again wearing a tuxedo, and holding a drink. Clifford asks him how he feels, and Pierce says that doing the show has made him feel invigorated, like he could do anything. Gonzo appears on stage and suggests fire eating, so Pierce takes a sip from the cup he's holding, picks up a lighted torch, and proceeds to blow fire from his mouth, then extinguishes the torch in his mouth. (Gonzo: "A man after my own heartburn.") Clifford asks him how he feels, and Pierce replies, "It feels hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot." Clifford realizes that is an excellent musical segue, and they dance to the song "Hot, Hot, Hot" as the camera fades out.

Outtakes

The first is from the beginning, when Clifford comes backstage to ask Rizzo what acts they have to go on. He says, "Yo, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz..." He keeps on saying "Riz" because he seems to have forgotten his next line and can't think of anything else to say. He finally gives up and heads back out of the shot so they can try again. Rizzo says, "That's my name, name, name, name." Pepe leans over to Rizzo and says, "Take two, right?" In another take, Clifford doesn't even get beyond "Yo" before screwing up. Rizzo (and Seymour, who can be heard from offstage) immediately make fun of Clifford and his "yo, yo, yo" bit. On the next take, Clifford trips as he walks in, prompting Rizzo to shout for a Medic. Pepe laughs at him, and Clifford says "Shut up, prawn," as he picks himself up.

The next scene takes place a little off to the side from where the previous outtakes happened. Clifford has one of Pepe's arms in his mouth. Pepe repeatedly says, "No tasting," as Clifford drags him out of the shot. Rizzo pops up and says, "I'll get the cocktail sauce." The final outtake is Pepe standing in front of the camera. He says, "Thank you," and bows while a rimshot is played.

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