Clifford stops into the Green Room before the show, and finds that Johnny Fiama has taken it over with Tony Bennett memorabilia and merchandise. Johnny has a copy of the album "Sgt. Tony's Lonely Hearts Club Gang" (which came out a week before those other guys), the Tony Bennett lunchbox, the Tony Bennett action figure with kung-fu grip, and a full case of the canned pasta Rig-A-Tony Bennett. Other items which Johnny doesn't point out include many pictures and posters on the wall, a bust of Tony Bennett, an apple with a couple of bites taken out of it, and a bronzed toothbrush. The "piece of resistance" though is a fully-operational automated Tony Bennett in a case which sings Tony Bennett songs (actually it's just Tony Bennett in the case). It also tells fortunes.
Automatron Tony: "Beware of falling cows." Clifford: "What kind of stupid fortune is that?" A cow falls on Clifford Cow: "That kind."
Kermit's intro: "very special guest star Tony Bennett"
Clifford's intro: "The show that has something for every man, woman, and child." Rizzo: "Hey, hey, what about my people?" Clifford: "Oh, yeah, how could I forget our always-important rat population?" Rizzo: "Well, thank you."
Clifford then introduces Tony, who sings "Firefly" with Kermit the Frog. In the background, Spamela Hamderson appears during the bridge in a firefly costume and dances. But Andy and Randy Pig come out and start playing with the light on the back of her costume, causing it to spark and catch on fire.
Nigel: "Good grief, Spamela's smoking." Rizzo: "Is she ever!" Nigel: "No, no, no, somebody get a fire extinguisher!"
Andy hits Spamela with a fire extinguisher, but as the song ends the three pigs are all electrocuted.
Statler: "What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?" Waldorf: "'I Left My Heart in San Francisco'." Statler: "Big deal. I left my teeth in Minneapolis."
Next up is NYPD Green. Kermit, as Det. Amphibowicz, and another frog are the detectives who are searching for a "filthy dirtbag". At this the network censor comes out and tells them that they can't say "filthy dirtbag" on a family show. Kermit explains that they are looking for "an actual filthy bag of dirt that was stolen". The censor allows them to continue. The other frog says he won't rest until they catch that "slimy scuzzball". The censor comes out again and complains about the "slimy scuzzball" remark, but they explain that the person who stole the dirtbag is actually a slimy scuzzball. The scuzzball in question comes out and introduces himself to the censor. He is in fact slimy and scuzzy. As the censor walks off again, she notices a vampire making amorous advances to a fish. The censor turns to the frogs and says, "I suppose this is a blood-sucking bass-kisser." The frogs explain that he's just Don the prop guy. They end the sketch with Kermit saying, "Let's flip off the camera." As the censor yells, "What!?!", Kermit walks up to the camera and turns it off.
Clifford then introduces Gonzo the Great and his Misguided Missiles of Death. Gonzo is going to attach himself to an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile and use it to ski-jump over 8 live free-range chickens.
Clifford: "Yo, yo, Gonzo, why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?" Gonzo: "I give up Clifford, why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?" Clifford: "No, man, it's not a joke." Gonzo: "You're telling me! You should see my insurance premiums."
With a cry of, "Chickens, a little Wagner please," Gonzo begins the stunt. The chickens start clucking "Ride of the Valkeries" as Camilla launches him. Gonzo flies over the chickens, through the control room (Rizzo: "Bet you won't see that on 'Friends'."), out into the hall, and into the elevator (which closes). The elevator doors open in the lobby and Gonzo flies out (Bobo: "Have a good day, sir.").
Nigel cues "The Johnny Fiama Show", as Clifford asks Rizzo where Gonzo landed. But Gonzo hasn't landed yet. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker are tracking him with some complicated radar equipment. He is over Perth and rapidly approaching Rapid City, SD. Cut to Gonzo flying past Mt. Rushmore, shouting, "Hello, Mr. Presidents!"
Washington: "That was cool." Jefferson: "Whoa, that guy can fly fast and stuff." Roosevelt: "Heh-heh. He said 'fly'. Heh-heh, heh-heh." Lincoln: "Heh-heh, heh-heh. Shut up, rock head." The four heads devolve into Butthead-like laughter
Back in the studio, Bunsen says, "Now he's over Turkey, now he's over Greece. Now he's over-eaten! I made a funny." The machine rings a bell, and Clifford asks what that means. Bunsen says he thinks that Gonzo has reached the apogee of his trajectory. But Lew Zealand walks up and opens the door to what looks suspiciously like a microwave and says, "Nope, that means my popcorn is done."
Clifford leaves them to their tracking, and goes to check on Johnny Fiama's show.
Clifford: "I hope he's not doing a Letterman ripoff." Rizzo: "Nah, he would never do that."
Of course Johnny is on number two of his "Top Ten Reasons Chicks Dig Me". For the record, they are:
2. My monkey bodyguard is there to flick away the flies. 1. I still cry when Bambi's Mother buys the farm.
Johnny is sitting at a desk, while Sal sits on the couch with a tray of cannolis. Johnny introduces Tony Bennett, though he's nervous ("scared out of his gourd" is how Sal puts it). Tony wants to do a song with Johnny. Tony tries to sing "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off", but Johnny is so nervous he can't even sing his parts. After the first verse Johnny faints.
Tony: "I guess we'll call the whole thing off. Hey Sal, save me a cannoli."
In the next sketch, Clifford introduces Carl the Big Mean Bunny. This is just Carl of bagpipe-eating fame, except with bunny ears over his horns.
Clifford: "Wait a minute. You're not a bunny!" Carl: "No. But I'm big and mean."
Carl uses the bow of his violin to point to an imaginary stain on Clifford's shirt, and when Clifford looks down Carl whacks him upside the head with it. He then starts playing the violin.
Cut back to the control room, where Bunsen is still tracking Gonzo. According to Bunsen's calculations he's somewhere in New York City. "New York City!" shouts everyone, in a takeoff of the Pace picante sauce commercials.
In the Green Room, Sal is cleaning all the Tony Bennett memorabilia out while Johnny mopes about passing out in front of Tony.
Johnny: "Tonight was the single most embarrassing moment of my life!" Sal: "Yeah? What about that time you ralfed all over the Japanese Prime Minister?" Johnny: "That wasn't me, that was George Bush. Why do you always confuse us?" Sal: "Sorry Mr. President -- I mean, Johnny."
Johnny hopes that not too many people saw his embarrassing moment, but Sal shows him a copy of Variety with the headline "Ratings Rise as Fiamma (sic) Falls". Johnny says he wants to be alone, and throws Sal out. Sal is obviously hurt by this, and walks off dejectedly as a piano starts playing. Sal walks into a dark, smoky room lit by a window behind him. Johnny's face appears over his right shoulder as a memory and says, "No, Sal. Get out. Out!" Then Johnny appears over Sal's left shoulder and says, "Sal, would you get off of the dashboard, huh?" Johnny then appears over Sal's left shoulder again, but Sal, expecting him over his right shoulder, is looking the other way. "Sal, st- I'm over here, you stupid monkey." Sal looks at Johnny. "Sal, stop grooming me." Johnny then appears over his right shoulder and says, "What do you mean, you voted for Dukakis!"
Tony Bennett starts singing "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams" in the background as Sal walks off. He is walking down a street set, and looks into the control room where everybody is laughing and having a good time. He walks on dejectedly. As he walks down the street, a wind comes up. Sal fights against it for a few seconds, but the wind finally overpowers him and blows him away.
The shot cuts to Sal walking down the hall as Tony continues to sing. Sal walks up to a door and opens it, interrupting Tony in his dressing room as he sings. Tony asks him what's wrong, and Sal asks if Tony needs a personal assistant or bodyguard. When Tony points out that he's Johnny's monkey, Sal says that Johnny hates him, and just thinks he's a "chump-anzee". He starts crying on Tony, but Tony says, "Hey Sal, the suit. Monkey tears don't come out." Tony and Sal try to come up with some way to get Sal back in Johnny's good graces, but after 20 minutes they still can't come up with anything. Tony says he feels like the robot Tony they've got in the case, which gives Sal an idea (ding!).
The next show is Great Moments in Elvis History. This time it is "Elvis the King and his Knights of the Round Table". The Elvises play King Arthur, Lancelot, and Merlin. Chock full o' puns and jokes, and they end with a song. You know the routine. On the next episode they are doing Tarzan of Graceland.
Tarzan/Elvis: "Me Tarzan. You fried jelly doughnut. Mmm, tasty!"
Back in the Green Room, Johnny is moving the last of his stuff. He goes up to the robot Tony, saying he could always sing with him. He starts up the robot, and they sing "Shaking the Blues Away". But after the first verse Tony leaves the box, as it is the real Tony and not the robot! Johnny realizes he is singing with the real Tony, and they move onstage. When they finish, Johnny thanks Tony. But Tony tells him it was all Sal's doing. Johnny turns to Sal, who is standing in the background. Johnny calls Sal over and gives him a hug.
Johnny: "Who's my little stinky monkey?" Sal: "I am, Johnny. I am." Johnny: "Yeah, that's right, that's right."
Johnny then asks for a round of applause for Tony Bennett to end the show.
Waldorf: "Thank Goodness this show is almost over." Statler: "What ever happened to that blue freak on the missile?" Gonzo and the missile crash through the ceiling Waldorf: "Is he all right?" Statler: "I don't know, I'll check his pulse." Waldorf: "If he's got one, I'll split it with you." They laugh Gonzo: "Did I clear the chickens?" He faints They laugh again
After they come back from the commercial, Tony is locked in the cabinet in the Green Room. He is yelling and trying to get someone to let him out, since they put the wrong Tony back in the cabinet. Beauregard the janitor walks up to the door and looks in. "Boy, sure is realistic," he says. Then he turns out the lights as the credits start.
The first is from "The Johnny Fiama Show". While some human hands arrange Sal's fur, Johnny asks him who does his hair. Sal says he does it himself, and demonstrates by jerking his head forward. Johnny then shows how he does his own hair, jerking his head back. They go back and forth several times, Sal jerking his head forward and Johnny jerking his head back, until Tony starts asking what's going on. Johnny, caught acting silly in front of his idol, says, "I'm gonna wet myself." This gets a laugh out of Tony.
The other outtake is from Gonzo's jump. It shows the missile smoke billowing in his face. Then it shuts off, and Gonzo turns to the camera, laughing and with his face covered with stage smoke powder. Gonzo then faints. Fade to black.
Go to the Whoopi Goldberg episode