As the show begins, Kermit the Frog walks into the control room (he greets Stan, the young guy with the long ponytail), and asks Clifford how things are going. Clifford says things are great, since Whoopi Goldberg is the guest and Miss Piggy is coming in to do the closing number with her. "What could possibly go wrong?" someone asks. "Oh, man, you had to say that," says Clifford. The phone rings, and Clifford says, "Whoop! Here it comes." Rizzo says that Miss Piggy is on the phone. Clifford says, "Whoop! There it is."
Miss Piggy is on a plane, returning from a mall opening at the South Pole. She says she'll be there "sooner or later." Clifford tells her she'd better be there for the closing number, since there isn't any more show after that (that's why they call it the closing number). She says Clifford had better have a limo waiting for her at the airport if he wants her there on time. A recorded voice from the operator says she must deposit $650 dollars for the next 3 minutes, so Piggy reverses the charges and hangs up. The airplane is filled with penguins (it's coming from the South Pole and all). Piggy tries to recline her seat, and succeeds a little too well.
Kermit's opening: "very special guest star Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopie!"
Clifford's opening: "Let's say hi to the band, shall we? Hi, band." Band: "Yeah, hi Clifford." Clifford: "Aw, look at that. They're in a chatty mood. Anyhoo, tonight we're going to break some new ground." A construction worker (who looks like Bobby Benson) jackhammers his way across the stage Clifford: "Okay."
Clifford introduces Whoopi, who mentions they have something in common. They both collect antiques. Whoopi pulls out Statler, and Clifford pulls out Waldorf. "A matched set," she says. Whoopi says they both have something else in common: "We're both huge fans of Miss Piggy." "No," says Clifford, "that's something you and Miss Piggy have in common." Whoopi says that she and Piggy once appeared on television years ago, before they were famous. She also brought a clip. "Let's watch, shall we?" says Clifford. Statler and Waldorf pop up again and ask, "Do we have to?" "Yes!" reply both Clifford and Whoopi.
The clip begins with Bug Llewellen introducing People's Court. Today's case is "The Case of the Pointless Pigtails." Bug introduces the plaintiff, Miss Goldy Whoopberg (Whoopi), who knocks him down with the door as she enters the courtroom. Bug picks himself up and moves in front of the other door as he introduces the defendent, Miss Piggy. Piggy, of course, knocks him down with the other door as she enters. "I hope you both lose," Bug says, obviously in great pain.
Rusty the Bailiff introduces Judge Joseph A. Wapner, who is making a cameo appearance as himself. He goes through the usual spiel about having read the complaints, and asks Miss Whoopberg for her side of the story. Whoopi tells about going to Miss Piggy, who is a hairdresser, and asking for a pigtail. Instead she got dozens of dreadlocks. Piggy complains that she works in volume, and she can't do just one pigtail. Whoopi and Piggy start yelling at each other, so Judge Wapner tells them to be quiet or he'll hold them both in contempt. Whoopi and Piggy both turn to Wapner and scream, "Attica! Attica! Attica!" Wapner pulls out an air horn to silence the two.
Judge Wapner says he's heard enough evidence, and he is going to render a decision. He tells Whoopi that he thinks Piggy did a pretty good job. In fact, he woudn't be surprised if a big director contacted her. "You mean like Steven Spielberg?" asks Whoopi. "I bet," continues Whoopi, "I could play a phychic who talks to the ghost of..." "Young Pat Swayze," suggests Wapner. Piggy, feeling left out, says that maybe Piggy could become a star of stage, screen, television, and movies. Wapner gives her 30 days for agravated arrogance. As Rusty drags Piggy away, Whoopi says as how they could do a big musical number together some day.
In the control room, Nigel cues Carl the big mean ventriloquist. On stage, Carl asks his dummy, "What's a Grecian earn?" But the dummy says, "I ain't answering your stupid question." (The dummy has a very muffled voice, as Carl is obviously terrible at ventriloquism. The dummy's mouth doesn't even open. Carl just shakes the head around a little.) Carl asks the question again, but the dummy still won't answer. So Carl says, "Oh yeah? Well then I'm going to bite your head off!" Which he proceeds to do. Clifford tells the camera man to shoot the scenery, and heads back into the control room.
Clifford asks Rizzo what the 411 on Miss Piggy is, and Rizzo says it's more like a 911. The only two people he could afford to send to pick Piggy up were her nephews, Andy and Randy Pig. Rizzo ducks down and says, "Please don't bite my head off." The scene cuts to the limo. Andy and Randy are playing tag in the back seat. Piggy tells them to relax, and turns on the show. But the pigs continue to play tag, constantly knocking their heads together. Piggy gives the camera a trying look.
Back on stage, Clifford goes into a Jamaican accent to introduce Whoopi and the Reggae Rodents. Rizzo asks Clifford what kind of an accent he's using, and Clifford tells him, "Jamaican." "Yeah," says Rizzo, "Jamaican a fool out of yourself."
The Reggae rats are playing a very fast version of Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry". Whoopi tells them they have to slow down and play it with more attitude. But the rats seem incapable of playing the song slow.
In the control room, Clifford is stressing out over the fact that Piggy might not be there in time for the closing number. Rizzo has lined up some people to impersonate Piggy. Clifford asks to see them. The first one is Bill the Bubble Guy. He comes in wearing a dress, a blond wig, and a pig's nose. He says, "Hi, I'm Miss Piggy. Bubbles come out of moi's head." "Next!" shouts Clifford. Animal runs in, also wearing a wig and nose. He shouts, "Pig-gy! Pig-gy! Pig-gy! Pig-gy! Moi! Moi!" "Next!" shouts Clifford. "Thank you!" says Animal (in a decent impersonation of Fozzie Bear). Next is Seymour the Elephant and Pepe the Prawn, wearing wigs and noses. They sing their song.
Seymour: "I'm Piggy" Pepe: "I'm Piggy" Both: "We're two of a kind" Pepe: "I'm a little bit Piggy" Seymour: "And I've got a pig behind" (Seymour does in fact have a curly pig tail on his tail) Now speaking Pepe: "Knock-knock, Miss Piggy." Seymour: "Who's there, Miss Piggy?" Pepe: "Miss Piggy." Seymour: "Miss Piggy who?" Pepe is suddenly at a loss for words Pepe: "Okay, we haven't got this part yet, okay, but we're working on it."
Seymour asks when they'll know if they got the job, and Rizzo tells them that they will never know that. Pepe starts asking what Rizzo means by that, as Clifford tells them to get lost and Seymour drags Pepe off. But Pepe runs back and tackles Rizzo for what he said.
Back on stage, Whoopi has the rats by the throats, trying to make them sing the song slowly. But they still can't do it. So Whoopi stomps off in a huff. The rats wonder what her problem is, and say she should slow down, find her groove. "Maybe somebody should tell her, everything's going to be all right." The rats finally start singing the song slowly, starting with the line "Everything's going to be all right." Whoopi comes back on stage to finish the song with them.
In the control room, Clifford is saying that Whoopi is doing great, and they might not even need Piggy for the closing number, though he hopes Piggy doesn't figure that out. In the limo, Piggy is realizing that Whoopi is doing great, and they might not even need her for the closing number, though she hopes Clifford doesn't figure that out. She asks Andy and Randy why it's taking so long to get to the studio when it's only 3 blocks from the airport. Randy says, "We took a short cut." Then Piggy notices that they're in the desert.
Piggy: "Don't tell me we're lost!" Andy: "Okay, we won't tell you." A buzzard flies up to the open window Buzzard: "All right then, I'll tell you. You're lost. And you might be lunch."
On stage, Clifford is about to introduce Giganticus, the world's largest performance artist. But Gonzo runs on stage and tells Clifford that Giganticus was beaten up by Super Giganticus. Clifford asks what they're going to do with the expensive suit they bought for him, and Gonzo tells him that Kermit is going to fill in for him.
Kermit sings a pretty cool version of Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime" wearing a very large suit.
Waldorf: "Same as it ever was." Statler: "Same as it ever was." Both: "Terrible!"
It becomes apparent during the video that there are actually three Kermits singing. After the number is over, the three Kermits walk through the control room.
Clifford: "Nice job, Kermit." Kermit #1: "Thank you." Clifford: "Nice job, Kermit." Kermit #2: "Thank you." Clifford: "Nice job, Kermit." Kermit #3: "Thank you." Clifford: "Man, that was weird."
Rizzo tells Clifford that Piggy still isn't there, and he doesn't know what to do and he can't concentrate with the audience shouting for Whoopi (the audience is shouting, "Whoopi! Whoopi!"). This gives Rizzo an idea: put on Bill the Bubble Guy. "Say what?!?" asks Clifford. Just then Whoopi walks in, wearing some old getup from her early days. She wants to go out and warm up the crowd before Piggy gets there. Whoopi does some plate spinning while cracking jokes. Off stage, Clifford, Rizzo, and Fozzie are marveling at how good (and funny) she is. Whoopi walks over to ask them how she's doing, but the crowd is calling for more. So Whoopi goes back on stage and plays "The Ride of the Valkyries" on glasses filled with water while telling jokes. As Fozzie starts taking notes, Whoopi moves on to the rings, flipping around like a gymnast.
Rizzo: "I hope she does karaoke next. That stuff just kills me."
For her next act, Whoopi announces that she is going to fly. But before she can begin, Rizzo comes in and tells her she has a phone call from Miss Piggy. Whoopi asks Rizzo to cover for her, and she heads off stage. So Rizzo has to take over the flying act.
On the phone, Piggy is telling Whoopi that she's done a good job trying to save the show, but she shouldn't be ashamed at failure. Whoopi remarks that the audience seems to really like her. Then Whoopi pretends that the phone call is being cut off, and hangs up on Piggy. Just then Rizzo flies in, hitting a camera and falling to the ground. "You stole my act," says Whoopi. Rizzo, in great pain, says, "You can have it back."
In the car, Piggy has taken the wheel of the limo. Andy and Randy are tied up in the back. Piggy puts the pedal to the metal and heads off for the studio.
Clifford then introduces Whoopi in the final number. Whoopi is wearing pink and diamonds. She starts singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend". After a verse or two, Piggy finally arrives, running through the control room and onto the stage. Piggy accuses Whoopi of trying to steal her number, but Whoopi assures her that she wanted to do the number with "the world's greatest living female performer." Piggy is mollified until Whoopi says, "Streisand." Whoopi says she's just kidding, though, and they finish the number. But when Piggy sings the line about Tiffany's, Whoopi says, "No, darling, Harry Winston."
Clifford comes on stage to close the show and thanks Whoopi. Whoopi, in turn, thanks Miss Piggy. Piggy thanks Whoopi, and then says she has to catch a plane. Andy and Randy offer to drive her, but she says she'd rather walk.
After the commercials, Piggy is on board a plane, thankful that it's over. She is reading William Shatner's Man o' War. When she looks out onto the wing, she sees a monster tearing it up. But when she screams that there's something on the wing, the man sitting next to her (William Shatner) tells her, "Oh, that guy. I've been complaining about him for years." As Piggy gets agitated about the creature on the wing, Shatner babbles on about the book.
The first one is Johnny Fiama's audition for the role of Miss Piggy. But instead of singing "Moi's Way", he apparently is singing "Ma's Way". When Clifford corrects him, Sal gets defensive, telling them that Johnny knows what he's doing. The next outtake is from the same scene. Johhny is telling the production people that they had better get the cameras right, and the voice of the director can be heard over the PA system saying, "Okay Johhny." Clifford tells Johhny that he should leave, since he's just wasting their time. Johhny and Sal take offense at this, and Sal jumps to Johnny's defense. Rizzo jumps to Clifford's defense, but Sal takes him down. Johhny and Clifford put up their dukes and start getting ready to fight. But Sal gets up and gets in front of Johnny. Clifford hits Sal a couple of times, and Johnny runs away.
Go to the Heather Locklear episode