<c> 1996 Erwin H. Lerner

CHARACTERS:

A MAN, priestly

ELLIOT ELLIOT, age 40

DELICIOUS, his young wife

BELLMAN, young, grows older

SCENE:

An unfurnished room in a plush hotel.  Doors Right, Center, and Left.  No windows.  Paper streamers and
balloons are feebly strung to create atmosphere for a party.  Light, grey and depressing; grows brighter as
action progresses.

TIME:

New Years Eve in the present.

AT RISE:

Door Right is open, others are closed.

                          A  MAN

            (ENTERS through audience, 
             compels  attention)

I'm selfish!  But, how might I gratify and satisfy you?  We have time; I'm here, you're here, there.  We, in a sense, are together!  May I perform music?  Dance?  Poetry?  Shall I recite a speech?  I can juggle seventeen apples!  Does anyone have seventeen apples?  Apples, anyone?  I have a book!  I can read you a chapter or so.  We’ll decide on the book’s value!  Nevermind.  I have certain ideas about certain  books!  I have certain ideas about many certain things!  Everyone with certain ideas about certain things please raise your hand.  I hope I'm not being offensive; if anyone wishes to laugh, I know several jokes: pick a category.  By the way, to raise a question of morality:  why-- Oh, let's forget it!  I shall play music to soothe sensitivities, to titillate, to—Aah!  no matter how poetic the words sound ABOUT music, one can’t describe a musical sound!  I must analyze what I've said.  I must contemplate, meditate, seek inspiration.  Profundity pulsates somewhere in this experience.  Excuse me, please!

            (EXITS through audience)

                        ELLIOT ELLIOT

            (ENTERS Right, wearing outdated suit, tieless;

            shirt collar undone; tries to recall)

Hmmm!  Do you, Elliot, take this woman-- Take thee, Elliot, this woman--

            (Calls off Right)

Sweets, how did the marriage vow begin?

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right, wearing a negligee)

I need something new and exciting to wear:

                        ELLIOT

How did the judge put it to us?

                        DELICIOUS

Which judge?

                        ELLIOT

The one who married us, stupid!

            (Looks at his watch; startled by the

            hour HIS reaction each time HE does so)

Eleven!

                        DELICIOUS

We were married by a minister, asshole!

                        ELLIOT

            (Remembers)

I'll be damned!

                        DELICIOUS

What shall I wear tonight to create excitement?

                        ELLIOT

Am I supposed to be your wardrobe master?  Use your discretion!

            (Crosses to door Center)

                        DELICIOUS

You disinterested bastard!  What ever possessed me to marry you?

                        ELLIOT

Don’t upset me tonight.  Consider the significance of this rendezvous!

            (Opens door Center, looks off, shuts door)

My first wife, Indigo, will be here with her second husband, Arthur, who happens to have been my college roommate.

                        DELICIOUS

Who happens to be my first husband!

                        ELLIOT

That's pure speculation!

                        DELICIOUS

I doubt that more than one Arthur A. Arthur exists.

            (A knock at door center, looks)

I'll get hysterical if my ex walks in!

                        ELLIOT

I'll get hysterical if you don't dress!

                        DELICIOUS

I'll wear my Byzantine-purple after-dinner dress!

            (EXITS Right)

            A KNOCK ON DOOR CENTER

                        ELLIOT

            (Collects himself, smiles; opens door Center)

Welcome to the past!

                        BELLMAN

            (OFF)

Room Service!

            (ENTERS)

May I serve you, sir?

                        ELLIOT

Chilled champagne:  Dachau?  ‘43?

                        BELLMAN

I don’t believe we have it, sir!  May I suggest a domestic:  Appalachia '54?

                        ELLIOT

Anything, and be quick about it!

                        BELLMAN

Sir, just about everything is sold out, but I'll see what I can do for you!

            (EXITS Center)

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right as door Center closes)

I've called for a bellhop; I'm leaving you!

                        ELLIOT

Running off with a bellboy?

            (Looks at his watch)

Ten-thirty!

                        DELICIOUS

It's running backwards again!

                        ELLIOT

            (Opens door Center, looks off, shuts door)

Indigo gave me this timepiece to celebrate our divorce!

                        DELICIOUS

Sentimentalist!

                        ELLIOT

A touch of the poet!

                        DELICIOUS

You haven't been poetic since our wedding!  Eleven days of-- how might history describe our marriage?

                        ELLIOT

Don't play the pseudo-intellectual tonight!

                        DELICIOUS

You and your rendezvouses, meetings, caucuses, conferences— your  madness!

                        ELLIOT

My career is master of your fate.  You will subordinate your putrid emotion and maintain a posture compatible with my position!  Is that clear?

                        DELICIOUS

I can’t wait to see if your Arthur is my Arthur.

                        ELLIOT

Your former Arthur!

                        DELICIOUS

Arthur loved me until I lost weight!  Is your first wife fat?

                        ELLIOT

Indigo is—shall I say, latently plump?

                        DELICIOUS

Arthur worshiped my fat!  I was a size forty.  Why did I go on a diet? 

                        ELLIOT

Finish dressing, Sweets; wear the devastating, black number from Haiti!

                        DELICIOUS

I hate that kimono!

            (Knock at door Center)

I'll wear my Hellenic-orange lounging robe!

            (EXITS Right)

                        ELLIOT

            (Collects himself; smiles, opens door Center)

Coexistence time!

            (His smile fades)

                        BELLMAN

            (OFF)

Sir, I'm here for the luggage!

                        ELLIOT

Do come in!

                        BELLMAN

            (ENTERS Center)

We hope you’ve enjoyed your brief stay!

                        ELLIOT

Let's talk business!  How much do you want to end your affair with my wife?

                        BELLMAN

            (Puzzled)

Sir, are you checking out?

                        ELLIOT

That's none of your business!

                        BELLMAN