<c> 1996 Erwin H. Lerner

CHARACTERS:

A MAN, priestly

ELLIOT ELLIOT, age 40

DELICIOUS, his young wife

BELLMAN, young, grows older

SCENE:

An unfurnished room in a plush hotel.  Doors Right, Center, and Left.  No windows.  Paper streamers and
balloons are feebly strung to create atmosphere for a party.  Light, grey and depressing; grows brighter as
action progresses.

TIME:

New Years Eve in the present.

AT RISE:

Door Right is open, others are closed.

                          A  MAN

            (ENTERS through audience, 
             compels  attention)

I'm selfish!  But, how might I gratify and satisfy you?  We have time; I'm here, you're here, there.  We, in a sense, are together!  May I perform music?  Dance?  Poetry?  Shall I recite a speech?  I can juggle seventeen apples!  Does anyone have seventeen apples?  Apples, anyone?  I have a book!  I can read you a chapter or so.  We’ll decide on the book’s value!  Nevermind.  I have certain ideas about certain  books!  I have certain ideas about many certain things!  Everyone with certain ideas about certain things please raise your hand.  I hope I'm not being offensive; if anyone wishes to laugh, I know several jokes: pick a category.  By the way, to raise a question of morality:  why-- Oh, let's forget it!  I shall play music to soothe sensitivities, to titillate, to—Aah!  no matter how poetic the words sound ABOUT music, one can’t describe a musical sound!  I must analyze what I've said.  I must contemplate, meditate, seek inspiration.  Profundity pulsates somewhere in this experience.  Excuse me, please!

            (EXITS through audience)

                        ELLIOT ELLIOT

            (ENTERS Right, wearing outdated suit, tieless;

            shirt collar undone; tries to recall)

Hmmm!  Do you, Elliot, take this woman-- Take thee, Elliot, this woman--

            (Calls off Right)

Sweets, how did the marriage vow begin?

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right, wearing a negligee)

I need something new and exciting to wear:

                        ELLIOT

How did the judge put it to us?

                        DELICIOUS

Which judge?

                        ELLIOT

The one who married us, stupid!

            (Looks at his watch; startled by the

            hour HIS reaction each time HE does so)

Eleven!

                        DELICIOUS

We were married by a minister, asshole!

                        ELLIOT

            (Remembers)

I'll be damned!

                        DELICIOUS

What shall I wear tonight to create excitement?

                        ELLIOT

Am I supposed to be your wardrobe master?  Use your discretion!

            (Crosses to door Center)

                        DELICIOUS

You disinterested bastard!  What ever possessed me to marry you?

                        ELLIOT

Don’t upset me tonight.  Consider the significance of this rendezvous!

            (Opens door Center, looks off, shuts door)

My first wife, Indigo, will be here with her second husband, Arthur, who happens to have been my college roommate.

                        DELICIOUS

Who happens to be my first husband!

                        ELLIOT

That's pure speculation!

                        DELICIOUS

I doubt that more than one Arthur A. Arthur exists.

            (A knock at door center, looks)

I'll get hysterical if my ex walks in!

                        ELLIOT

I'll get hysterical if you don't dress!

                        DELICIOUS

I'll wear my Byzantine-purple after-dinner dress!

            (EXITS Right)

            A KNOCK ON DOOR CENTER

                        ELLIOT

            (Collects himself, smiles; opens door Center)

Welcome to the past!

                        BELLMAN

            (OFF)

Room Service!

            (ENTERS)

May I serve you, sir?

                        ELLIOT

Chilled champagne:  Dachau?  ‘43?

                        BELLMAN

I don’t believe we have it, sir!  May I suggest a domestic:  Appalachia '54?

                        ELLIOT

Anything, and be quick about it!

                        BELLMAN

Sir, just about everything is sold out, but I'll see what I can do for you!

            (EXITS Center)

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right as door Center closes)

I've called for a bellhop; I'm leaving you!

                        ELLIOT

Running off with a bellboy?

            (Looks at his watch)

Ten-thirty!

                        DELICIOUS

It's running backwards again!

                        ELLIOT

            (Opens door Center, looks off, shuts door)

Indigo gave me this timepiece to celebrate our divorce!

                        DELICIOUS

Sentimentalist!

                        ELLIOT

A touch of the poet!

                        DELICIOUS

You haven't been poetic since our wedding!  Eleven days of-- how might history describe our marriage?

                        ELLIOT

Don't play the pseudo-intellectual tonight!

                        DELICIOUS

You and your rendezvouses, meetings, caucuses, conferences— your  madness!

                        ELLIOT

My career is master of your fate.  You will subordinate your putrid emotion and maintain a posture compatible with my position!  Is that clear?

                        DELICIOUS

I can’t wait to see if your Arthur is my Arthur.

                        ELLIOT

Your former Arthur!

                        DELICIOUS

Arthur loved me until I lost weight!  Is your first wife fat?

                        ELLIOT

Indigo is—shall I say, latently plump?

                        DELICIOUS

Arthur worshiped my fat!  I was a size forty.  Why did I go on a diet? 

                        ELLIOT

Finish dressing, Sweets; wear the devastating, black number from Haiti!

                        DELICIOUS

I hate that kimono!

            (Knock at door Center)

I'll wear my Hellenic-orange lounging robe!

            (EXITS Right)

                        ELLIOT

            (Collects himself; smiles, opens door Center)

Coexistence time!

            (His smile fades)

                        BELLMAN

            (OFF)

Sir, I'm here for the luggage!

                        ELLIOT

Do come in!

                        BELLMAN

            (ENTERS Center)

We hope you’ve enjoyed your brief stay!

                        ELLIOT

Let's talk business!  How much do you want to end your affair with my wife?

                        BELLMAN

            (Puzzled)

Sir, are you checking out?

                        ELLIOT

That's none of your business!

                        BELLMAN

Sir, please pardon the front desk’s error.   At your service!

            (Bows; EXITS Center)

                        ELLIOT

            (Door Center closes)

Ignorant swine!

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right, wearing black slip)

Elliot, I'll try my best not to defy your will!

                        ELLIOT

Is the bellboy aware of your fetish?  Wait here!

            (EXITS Right)

                        DELICIOUS

            (Sobs)

There’s no end to his lunacy!

                        ELLIOT

            (ENTERS Right, carrying nippled baby bottle,

            filled with yellow-gray liquid)

Will any bellboy satisfy your need?

            (Offers bottle)

                        DELICIOUS

Don't make me take it!

                        ELLIOT

Why do we fail, Delicious?

                        DELICIOUS

            (Startled)

You called me Delicious.  You spoke my name!!

                        ELLIOT

            (Softly)

Yes, Delicious!

            TRANSFORMATION:  ELLIOT AND DELICIOUS
            GAZE AT EACH OTHER; THEY COO

                        ELLIOT

Hello!

                        DELICIOUS

Hello!

                        ELLIOT

Will you marry me?

                        DELICIOUS

Yes, oh, yes!

                        ELLIOT

We’ll make each other very happy!

                        DELICIOUS

I'm divorced!

                        ELLIOT

I've been married!

                        DELICIOUS

His name was-- is Arthur!

                        ELLIOT

Her name was-- is Indigo.  I’m Elliot!

                        DELICIOUS

I'm Delicious!

            KNOCK AT DOOR CENTER; BOTH RETURN

            TO PRESENT

                        ELLIOT

            (Eagerly)

It’s Indigo!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Simultaneously, eagerly)

It’s Arthur!

                        ELLIOT

Finish dressing!

                        DELICIOUS

I'll wear my Mount Zion mist evening gown!

                        ELLIOT

            (Offers bottle)

Take this!

                        DELICIOUS

I hate you!

            (Takes bottle, sucks greedily, EXITS Right)

                        ELLIOT

            (Calls)

Wear that topless number you bought in Moscow!

            (Opens door Center; looks off)

                        BELLMAN

            (OFF)

Champagne, sir:  Dachau '44?

                        ELLIOT

Awful vintage!

            (Slams door)

Sweets, I’ve dismissed the bellboy!

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right, wearing negligee)

Why do you never call me Delicious?

                        ELLIOT

Shall we procreate?

                        DELICIOUS

Shall I find a stud service?

                        ELLIOT

I have a  potency pills prescription!

                        DELICIOUS

Not interested!

                        ELLIOT

There can be three of us, four, five-- the possibility is infinite!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Undoes negligee)

A year with you has been insufferable.

            ELLIOT

We don't know each other a year.

                        DELICIOUS

Let's do as the ancient Romans did:  let's orgy tonight!

                        ELLIOT

I'm cancelling the rendezvous!

                        DELICIOUS

You can't cancel it!

            (Knock at door Center)

Answer the door!

                        ELLIOT

Cover your naked body!

                        DELICIOUS

What with?

            (EXITS Right)

                        ELLIOT

            (Collects himself, opens door Center)

Welcome to the party!

                        BELLMAN

            (ENTERS Center)

Sir, unless the Bell captain is mistaken, and you don't intend to check out, unless a change of plans has occurred, or I misunderstand my assignment, unless you misunderstand, or this is the wrong room, I'll take the luggage, sir!

                        ELLIOT

Why must you interfere with my holy matrimony?

                        BELLMAN

Sir, if you desire bell service, don’t hesitate to call.

            (Winks; starts to go)

                        ELLIOT

            (Grabs BELLMAN's sleeve)

I haven't dismissed you!

                        BELLMAN

            (Startled, pulls away)

Sir, let me go!

                        ELLIOT

            (Clinging)

I'm paralyzed!

                        BELLMAN

            (Frees himself)

Sir, I'll notify the house physician!

            (EXITS Center)

                        ELLIOT

            (Door Center closes; sulks)

Must I be depressed on New Year’s Eve?  Arthur?  Indigo?  I've remarried again!  I call her "Sweets!"

                        DELICIOUS

            (ENTERS Right, wearing negligee)

Which color kimono shall I wear?

                        ELLIOT

I’d like to introduce you to her.  Let's rendezvous on New Year’s Eve!

            (Hears knock at door Center; clutches his
             throat)

My necktie!

            (Quickly EXITS Right)

                        BELLMAN

            (Opens door Center with passkey, ENTERS; 
             sees DELICIOUS)

Pardon me, madam, the house physician will be--

                        DELICIOUS

            (Frightened)

Are you deranged?  You’ve broken into my room!

                        BELLMAN

Madam, your husband suffered a paralysis.

                        DELICIOUS

            (Shrieks)

Stay away from me!

                        BELLMAN

            (Unnerved)

I'll see what’s keeping the house physician!

            (Quickly EXITS Center)

                        ELLIOT

            (ENTERS Right, tieless, as door Center closes)

I can’t find my neckties.  Help me find them

                        DELICIOUS

            (Rushes to him)

Elliot, help, the bellhop attacked me!

                        ELLIOT

Did you enjoy it, Sweets?

                        DELICIOUS

            (Giggles childishly)

Would you call me Delly?  It's short for Delicious!

                        ELLIOT

It's short for delicatessen!

                        DELICIOUS

Don't ridicule my nickname!

                        ELLIOT

Delly!

            (Giggles)

                        BELLMAN

            (Knocks at door Center; OFF)

Sir, madam, an ambulance is on the way.

                        ELLIOT

            (Whispers)

He should be in a mental institution!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Whispers)

Call the police!

                        BELLMAN

            (OFF)

People to see you sir, madam!

                        ELLIOT

            (Looks at his watch)

Midnight!

            (Hugs DELICIOUS)

Happy New Year, love!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Hugs him)

Happy  New Year, love!

            (They kiss)

                        BELLMAN

            (Knocks at door Center; OFF)

Sir, madam?  The people came to the wrong floor!

                        ELLIOT

            (Calls)

Go away!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Whispers)

What does he want from us?

                        BELLMAN

Shall I come in?

                        ELLIOT

He wants to have you!

            (Presses against door Center)

This is what promiscuity leads to.  We should enslave every perverted animal, put them to drudgery, torture them, eliminate them, render them extinct!

            (Presses harder)

I've seen many like him.

            (Mocks)

"I'm a good bellman, sir!"

            (Presses harder)

They have their cunning!

            (Exhausted, gasps)

Agh!

            (Falls to floor)

                        DELICIOUS

            (Rushes to him)

Elliot!

                        ELLIOT

            (Sobs)

Don't run away with him!

                        DELICIOUS

I won't!

                        ELLIOT

I need you, Delly!

            (Laughs)

                        DELICIOUS

Why are you laughing?

                        ELLIOT

            (Props himself up)

I'm sorry, Delly!

            (Laughs)

                        DELICIOUS

I'll kill you!

                        ELLIOT

            (Howling)

I'll die laughing!

                        DELICIOUS

Eleven days of marriage, eleven hotel rooms, eleven attacks of laughter!

                        ELLIOT

            (Gains control of his laughter, stops)

I've conquered it!

                        DELICIOUS

Eleven conquests!

                        ELLIOT

I have control!

                        DELICIOUS

I have a craving!

                        ELLIOT

I'll get the bottle!

                        DELICIOUS

Hurry!

                        ELLIOT

Help me become president!

                        DELICIOUS

I'll be the First Lady!

                        ELLIOT

Let's go to Birmingham!

                        DELICIOUS

We were there last week!

                        ELLIOT

Did our guests show up?

                        DELICIOUS

Eleven cities, eleven disappointments!

                        ELLIOT

Success will happen!  Remember that bellboy in Birmingham?

                        DELICIOUS

I'm leaving you once and for all!

                        ELLIOT

No, you aren’t, you're in my power!

                        DELICIOUS

You have no power!

                        ELLIOT

I have your birth control pills.

                        DELICIOUS

            (Frightened)

I'll miss my cycle!

                        ELLIOT

I'm in command, I am your king!

                        DELICIOUS

You're a fool!

                        ELLIOT

I am dictator by Divine right!  The Elliot dynasty!  How many Generations shall follow me?

                        DELICIOUS

            (Curtsies)

None, Your Impotence!

                        ELLIOT

            (Reminds her)

My potency pills?

            STROBOSCOPIC LIGHT REFLECTS
            THE FOLLOWING

                        DELICIOUS

            (Chants)

In the name of holy Jesus Christ. . .

                        ELLIOT

            (Humored)

What are you saying?

                        DELICIOUS

            (Bows)

In the name of merciful Allah . . .

                        ELLIOT

Don’t be absurd!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Kneels)

In the name of omnicient Buddha . . .

                        ELLIOT

            (Angered)

Shut up!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Shuts her eyes)

In the name . . .

                        ELLIOT

            (Shouts)

God damn it!

                        DELICIOUS

of the name. . .

                        ELLIOT

            (Shrieks)

I’ll kill you!

            (Chokes her, DELICIOUS gags)

                        BELLMAN

            (ENTERS door Center with passkey, sees

            them; consecutively: startled, horrified,

            angered, fascinated, sexually aroused,

            exhilarated; shouts)

No, sir!

                        ELLIOT

            (Sees BELLMAN; stops)

What?

            STROBOSCOPIC LIGHT STOPS

                        BELLMAN

            (Approaches with caution)

Sir, you're killing her!

                        ELLIOT

            (Glances at his hands)

We’re having a slight marital altercation!

            (Releases DELICIOUS, who collapses onto floor)

It’s hardly your concern!

                        BELLMAN

            (Looks down at DELICIOUS)

Madam, are you all right?

            (Concerned)

Sir, she doesn't look well!

                        ELLIOT

            (Rises)

How dare you criticize my wife's looks?

                        BELLMAN

I'll have the bell captain summon the house physician!

            (Quickly EXITS Center)

                        ELLIOT

            (Sneers)

Impudent dog!

            (To DELICIOUS)

You'd leave me for him?  Answer me!  I've rescued you from eleven so far! How many were there before we met?  I can't remember where, or when, or how we met; only that I needed you. I'd divorced myself from the past-- shall we say transcended?  Emerged into manhood?  I had ambition!  Have I told you about my childhood?  Our house wasn’t nice.  I was an only child.  I saw my mommy and daddy have intercourse.  I-- shall we say masturbated?  I had a friend.  Once, we-- shall I say touched each other?  I had a harmonica, I had a baseball glove; I had books, I went to school; I had a brain, a nervous system, blood pumping through my veins, I had a heart beat, lungs; I breathed air; I had a voice; I was-- shall we say
unique?  I wasn’t happy.  I had a puppy dog; it had a
thing; it peed on me; I kicked it; it ran away; it was hit
by a car; it died!

            (Sobs)

I loved my puppy dog!

                        DELICIOUS

            (Suddenly props herself up)

I can't do this again!

                        ELLIOT

Neither can I!

                        DELICIOUS

I want my bottle!

                        ELLIOT

I’ll get it for you.

                        DELICIOUS

Crawl for it!

            LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR CENTER

                        ELLIOT

Who can that be?

                        DELICIOUS

Which city is this?

                        ELLIOT

I don't know!

                        DELICIOUS

The nightmare again!

                        ELLIOT

Let’s go to bed.

                        DELICIOUS

Yes, love!

            (BOTH Exit Right)

            LIGHTS DIM.  A MOMENT OF SILENCE. 

            SOUNDS OF EROTICA OFF RIGHT. 
            HOUSELIGHTS GO UP

                        A MAN
          (ENTERS through audience)

I've found inspiration to perform!  Did you sit comfortably?  You're terribly understanding.  I wouldn’t have you leave feeling in any way disappointed, hostile or embittered.  Permit me to introduce myself.  Aah!  go in peace.  Goodbye, my friends.  Bless you!

            (Smiles, EXITS door Center)

C U R T A I N