CHARACTERS

RANDOLPH FAGG...Moody age early‑20s.

ISADORE KATZ...Bohemian‑type, age 60.

BETTY BOTTY...Sexy, troubled, age 20.

THE CHIEF...Middle‑aged ad executive.

MYRON BEEFE... Eager 25‑year‑old.

SCENE

Most of the stage is a small room in a tenement
apartment building, downtown in the East Village
section of Manhattan.

The remainder of the stage is a plush office in the
Babel Building on Madison Avenue.

TIME: The present.

AT RISE:

The room.

Darkness.

Center, unshaded floorlamp with 60‑watt bulb.

Right, door to hallway; light switch on wall.

Left, shabby, single‑sized mattress in sleep alcove.

Cardboard cartons stacked everywhere.

Aura of ritual.as RANDOLPH FAGG scurries back-and‑forth between light bulb and wall switch.

After a moment:

RANDOLPH FAGG

(At wall switch)

Ten, nine,eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero.

(Pushes switch; lamp
lights; in ecstasy)

Eureka!

            (Shuts, off light, turns it
            on, off, on, off, on off;
             rushes to door right
             opens it; calls upstairs
             through hallway)

Katz! Isadore! Hurry down! See my invention!

(Returns to lightswitch,
turns it on, off, on, off)

Months, weeks, days of steady commitment!

            (Hears footsteps
              rushing down hall
              stairs; leaves light in
              off position)

ISADORE KATZ

(Enters Right; squints to find FAGG)

Oy! I'll get heart failure from you yet. So? What's such an important business to schlepp myself three flights?

FAGG

See my electrical wizardry!

(At wall switch, turns on lamp light;

during following, turns light off

on, off, on)

KATZ

Enough already with the crazy on-off-on-off light-switch. An Edison, or a General Electric, you're not! .

FAGG

(Leaves light on)

Isadore, I've invented a light bulb!

KATZ

Nu? Who in America don't own light bulbs?

Randela, since when are you suddenly a scientist?

FAGG

Since I found Emanuel Beerbaum's "Inventor's

Handbook" manuscript.

KATZ

Oy! Each day was another new plot for Manny
Beerbaum.

FAGG

His suicide note was scribbled in pencil on the title
page. I know it by heart.

(Recites poignantly)

"Utilities shut off for non‑payment. Burnt sulphur
only makes carbon. Can’t produce gold! Out of
matches. Candles useless. I hereby bequeath
toposterity this truth: a life without light is a life of
darkness. M. Beerbaum, scientist."

KATZ

Schmuck! Your hopeless romanticism captures
the essence of futility.

FAGG

I’ll never give you another iota of human kindness.

KATZ

I'm reconsidering my position that you were
born from intelligent, loving, good, kindhearted,
hard working parents. You’re a degenerate ingrate
I rescued from Washington Square Park

FAGG

All you do is suck wine and write smut!

KATZ

A genius literary critic you’re also not! Your

inventiveness gives me nothing but heartburn.

FAGG

You're at the end of your rope, Katz. Why don’t
you open a candy store and make drop dead
eggcreams?

KATZ

I'll show you who is and who isn’t talented!

BETTY BOTTY

(Enters Right, taps on open door)

Excuse me. Could you possibly keep the noise
down? It’s after midnight. I’m trying to catch up on
some sleep.

FAGG

(Eyes BETTY coldly)

Whoever or whomever you are, no one invited you into my abode!

BETTY

Pardon me very much! I'm the new tenant next
door in two-F, Betty Botty: B‑e‑double‑t‑y, B‑o‑double‑t‑y.

KATZ

(Sizes up BETTY)

Mine darling, you took the late Manny Beerbaum’s
apartment. I'm Izzy Katz in five‑G.

BETTY

Mister Katz, it’s my extreme pleasure to make your

acquaintance.

KATZ

The pleasure should only be mine! Betty
Botty, may I undress you on a first name basis,?

FAGG

Katz, your Freudian slip is showing.

BETTY

Everyone calls me Beddy Body.

KATZ

Beddy Body, what brought you to our humble
ghetto tenement?

BETTY

Oh, I don’t know. I can afford gentrified rent. My
late-boyfriend with whom or who I lived common‑law, Vito Rigamarole, ‑‑ he called himself
my Pimp; not that he was a procurer; although he
thrived off my procedes as a callgirl— he drowned in the East River recently, learning to operate a
motorboat I bought for him in lieu of our pending
wedding engagement.

FAGG

Excise me! Let me show you yentas to the door.

KATZ

Randolph likes being by himself. Beddy Body,
come with me upstairs in my apartment, I’ll read
you from a tragedy I 'm writing for the motion
picture industry.

BETTY

Oh! I immerse myself in dramatic literature, preparing for a career move to acting.

FAGG

You don’t say!

KATZ

So, come with me upstairs.

BETTY

Not tonight, Isadore. I turned two tricks this afternoon, had a dinner date and two quickies in the evening. I’m pooped.

FAGG

Nice try, Katz.

KATZ

Beddy, let me outline for you the dramatic situation
in my work in progress. Randolph, you’re my
inspiration for this. It takes place in a rundown
tenement where the superintendent can’t make the
boiler work to send up heat and hot water. The
tenants hate him and want he should get fired.
The super is the central character, a Puerto Rican’
named Rudolfo.

FAGG

I want you both to get out of my face!

KATZ

Meanwhile, the landlord is pregnant with his baby
and wants an abortion. Things are so bad for
Rudolfo, all he thinks about is killing himself. In a
crucial scene, desparate from emotion, he asks
himself outloud in a speech, the major dramatic
question: "To be, or not is the question. Whether
it’s-nobler--

FAGG

(Interrupts; snidely)

Nyehhh! I heard those words in high school. A
classmate of mine wrote that speech!

KATZ

(Offended; to FAGG)

What are you talking? What's his name if he's
such a bigshot writer?

(Suddenly clutches his chest; gasps)
Aggh!
(Slumps to floor)

FAGG

(Frightened)

Katz!

BETTY

(Frightened)

Izzy!

KATZ

(Gasps)

Nu? Go and be kind-hearted!

FAGG

Isadore, what should we do for you?

KATZ

Nothing with nothing, I’m finished.

BETTY

Izzy,no, you have to stay alive, and finish your
writing, and make me the leading lady..

KATZ

Beddy Body, I look at you in your see‑through
blouse without underwear; it makes me wish I was
younger and felt better. Randela, life is too short
to carry grudges. I Have put away, epis, five
thousand dollars and a life insurance policy. I
made you my heir only if you’ll go in beauty culture
school to become a hairdresser.

FAGG

Katz, thanks, but no thanks!

KATZ

All I can give you then is a piece of advice: butter
the bagle while it’s hot! Unnnnh!
(HE dies)

BETTY

Mister Katz!

FAGG

Katz!

BLACKOUT

CHARACTERS

RANDOLPH FAGG

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