BOLINDA

(Looks up)

Dear?

DONALD

(Reading)

Yes, dear?

BOLINDA

Be a darling, dear:  make me another whiskey sour.

DONALD

(As before)

I'm reading, dear.

                                   BOLINDA

But, dear, I'm writing.

                                 DONALD

(Looks up)

Your writing is less important than my reading. 

                                  BOLINDA

I happen to e working on a contest entry, Donald.  The first prize is a weekend for two in Cleveland, next August.

DONALD

Bolinda, you've had one too many whiskey sours.

                                                BOLINDA

Go to hell! 

DONALD

That infantile response is entirely uncalled for.

THE DOORBELL RINGS:  LONG; SHORT; LONG.

BOLINDA

(Annoyed, looks to door)

Damn it!  Who can that be?

DONALD

(Simultaneously, looks)

It’s more than likely--what's-his-name?--your big-chested protector in high school.

BOLINDA

Richie the Beast?

DONALD

What is Richard’s family name?  I met him by chance one day last week, and half-heartedly invited him to call on us--I intimated "briefly"--over the holidays.

BOLINDA

Donald, this contest entry must be post-marked by midnight tonight.

DONALD

I thought you might get a kick out of his company.

BOLINDA

Christmas Day with Richie the Beast?

DONALD

He seemed so lonely and friendless.  He was practically in tears, telling me about his parents' recently having been shot to death--gangland rub-out style:  in the back of the head.

THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES AS BEFORE.

BOLINDA

You should have Invited him to pay you an office visit.

DONALD

I considered that possibility.  His psychological profile doesn't fit my criteria for successful therapy.

BOLINDA

Don't let me stop you from answering the door.

(Resumes typing)

DONALD

(;Rises, rests notebook on armchair cushion; opens front door, looks outside; returns, closes door)

That's odd!  I looked out, and didn't see a soul.

(Returns to armchair, sits)

Someone rang our doorbell precisely three times, then three times again.  Do any of the neighbors ring that particular pattern?  Bolinda, you might show common courtesy and answer my question.

                        THE TELEPHONE RINGS.

BOLINDA

(Busy)

Please answer the telephone.

DONALD

You're right next to it.

BOLINDA

                        (As before)

I’m not home.

DONALD

(Sighs)

Yes, dear.

(Rises, crosses to telephone; answers)

Hello?  Hello!

(Hangs up)

No one was on the line.  What on earth is going on?

BOLINDA

You took too long to answer.  While you're up, dear, how about mixing me a whiskey sour?

(Resumes work)

DONALD

(Goes to bar, mixes whiskey sour during following)

There must be a rational explanation!I’ll bet you anything the call was from Richard, to say he's not in a suburbanish mood.  Still, he could possibly have felt suburbanish, rang our doorbell, and concluded we aren't in.  Then--of course, I’m conjecturing--he stopped at the nearest pay phone to double-check.  I hope he doesn't feel rejected.  At least your tempo won't be interrupted, dear.  I know how badly you must write--not that you write badly.

BOLINDA

(Busy)

Score one cheap shot for the doctor of psychology.

DONALD

As a matter of fact, though, your poetic urge is sublimation for an unfulfilled child-bearing instinct.  You portend to value reason over emotion; you presume rationality, attempting--literally--to assert control over language--albeit adequately, I might add.

THE DOORBELL RINGS LONG AND LOUD.

BOLINDA

(Stops, looks up)

The doorbell is ringing--literally!  Won’t you see who it is?

DONALD

(Looks up)

You see who it is while I finish mixing your inspiration.

BOLINDA

Do it!!

DONALD

(Opens front door; excitedly, to OFF)

Isn’t this a pleasant surprise?  Come in, Richard.

RICHARD

(Enters, Rear-Center, wears  overcoat, suit, dress shirt, tie, patent leather shoes, fedora)

Merry Christmas, Donny!  Stay loose!

(Fakes a punch at DONALD's stomach)

DONALD

(Startled, defensively jumps away)

Don't!

DONALD

Ho, ho, ho!

(Crosses to BOLINDA)

Hey, Bolie!

DONALD

(Shuts front door, crosses to desk; to BOLINDA)

Dear, you remember Richard.

RICHARD

What's cooking, Babe?  I never knew you could work a computer.

BOLINDA

(Busy)

Richie, I must concentrate to meet an important contest deadline.  First prize is a weekend for two in Cleveland.

RICHARD

Yeah?  Sensational!

DONALD

Richard, let’s allow the contestant her space to perform.

RICHARD

You should hang out a sign: DO NOT DISTURB, POEM WRITER AT WORK!

DONALD

(Chuckles; to BOLINDA)

You're not disturbed, are you, dear?

RICHARD

Babe, how's about I give you a good-luck smack on the lips?

(Kisses BOLINDA's lips)

BOLINDA

(Stiffens, turns away)

Richie, your breath!

RICHARD

(Embarassed)

Why'd you say that?

BOLINDA

It’s atrocious.

DONALD

Richard, squish some whiskey sour in your mouth

RICHARD

Yeah!  I just ate two slices with anchovies and garlic.

DONALD

(Returns to bar, pours two drinks from  decanter, gives RICHARD  filled coctail glass)

Just what the doctor ordered!

RICHARD

(Takes drink; to DONALD and BOLINDA)

Here's to youse!

(Takes a sip, squishes it in his mouth, chugalugs remainder of drink)

DONALD

(Places second filled glass on desk near BOLINDA)

Here you are dear, prepared with undying love, unceasing admiration and unqualified respect.

BOLINDA

It's about time!

(Pauses, sips drink)

I need a word that rhymes with egocentric.

DONALD

Ecclectic?  Epileptic?

RICHARD

(Rests empty glass on bar, removes his hat)

Say, guys:  where should I dump my hat?

DONALD

You needn’t dump it!

(Takes hat, rests it aside during following)

Take off your coat, Richard, make yourself at home.

RICHARD

Yeah, okay, I feel real hot!

(Removes overcoat, gives it to DONALD, who takes coat and places it with hat)

BOLINDA

Remove your jacket, Richie, show off your manly chest.

RICHARD

             (Blushes; to BOLINDA)

Get off my case, Bolie!

BOLINDA

Why don't you let Donald play with your gun?

RICHARD

No way!  My six-shooter ain't no toy.

(Removes suit jacket, beneath which he wears a revolver in a holster)

BOLINDA

I’ll say it’s not! 

                         (Resumes work)

DONALD

(Indicates sofa)

Richard, have a seat.  Who won the big game?

RICHARD

(Sprawls at one end of sofa)

What game?

DONALD

The football game.

RICHARD

What one?

DONALD

(Sits at opposite end of sofa)

The Christmas Bowl.

RICHARD

Who cares?

BOLINDA

(Busy)

How's business, Richie?

RICHARD

I took off for the holiday!

BOLINDA

              (As before)

 How you execute your work is beyond me!

RICHARD

I do different contracts different ways.  I size-up a target, follow him or her around day and night--  sometimes weeks at a time-- and bang-gabang-gabang-bang-bang!

DONALD

Richard, am I to infer that you take human lives for your livelihood?

RICHARD

I make a better than decent living at it!  

DONALD

How can a killer possibly know what love is?

RICHARD

I know all about it!

BOLINDA

                  (As before)                      

Teach him what you know, Richie!

RICHARD

I can't teach nobody my business.  Either you know how, or  forget about it—hey!  Donny, in the book you loanded me, it’s called  instinct.

DONALD

You're reading it:   "A Primer on Freudian Psychology”\-- Bolinda,  if you 've not spoken to Richard since high school, how is it that you know of his  business? 

BOLINDA

He telephones me occasionally to vent his emotions!

RICHARD

Boli, keep quiet!

DONALD

(Astonished)

The two of you have a relationship behind my back?

RICHARD

Donny, after a tough job, once in awhile,  I let Boli make me feel more better.  We don't  do nothing but talk on the phone.

BOLINDA

                   (Looks up)

Richie, how do you spell apoplectic?

RICHARD

I don't think I know it, Babe.

BOLINDA

Pretend it’s one of our class spelling bees.

DONALD

I'll spell it.

BOLINDA

Let’ Richie try.

RICHARD

Appleplektik:  small-a, p-p-l-e . . . p-l-e-k . . .

BOLINDA

Yes, go on.

DONALD

(Leafs through dictionary at desk)

Apology; apomict; apomixis; apomorphine; aponeurosis; apophylite; apophysis; apophyseal--apoplectic:  "of, relating to, or causing apoplexy."

BOLINDA

(Spells)

A-p-p-o-p-l-e-c-t-i-c.

DONALD

Apoplectic has only two p’s: a-p-o-p-l-e-c-t-i-c.

BOLINDA

(To DONALD)

I said two p’s!

DONALD

You said three p’s.

                                                                        BOLINDA

I certainly did not!

DONALD

You've made an error; admit it.

BOLINDA

Are you accusing me of dishonesty?

RICHARD

Come on, guys!

BOLINDA

(Ignores RICHARD)

You owe me an apology, Donald!

DONALD

(Ignores RICHARD)

I'm neither accusing,  nor arguing honesty versus dishonesty.  It's a question of  who is correct, or incorrect; being right, or being wrong.

BOLINDA

Apologize to me, Donald!

DONALD

You said three p’s.

BOLINDA

How many p’s did I say, Richie?

RICHARD

I heard two.

BOLINDA

Richie confirms two p's.

DONALD

You and Richard both are mistaken!

BOLINDA

Oh?  Richie, my pussycat husband accuses us of deceiving him!

DONALD

I haven't said one word about deception.  I simply stated that you and Richard--

BOLINDA

Are having an affair?

RICHARD

Come on, quit fighting.

(Presents two small, gift-wrapped packages)

I bought youse each a specialty Christmas present.

(Places one package atop desk near BOLINDA;

 Gives second  package to DONALD)

DONALD

(Takes it)

Thank you, Richard.

(Curious, unwraps gift during following)

Bolinda and I exchanged gifts last night.  I gave her the daringest nighty-- take my word for how sexy she looks in it!

(His gift unwrapped, presents a sharp-pointed, dagger-like letter opener)

A dagger!

RICHARD

It opens letters.  i got Boli one just like it.

BOLINDA

(Unwraps her gift;  facetiously)

Donald, model your seductive ski-'jamas for Richie.

DONALD

(To BOLINDA)

You show off your nighty-- just kidding!

THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES:  ONE LONG, ONE SHORT, ONE LONG.

BOLINDA

Put your jacket on, Richie.  Your rod would upset our narrow minded neighbors.

RICHARD

Yeah, okay!

(Dons his jacket, buttons it)

DONALD

(Waits for RICHARD to conceal gun, opens door; off)

Yes?

BOY

(Enters smiling, gazes about; nods to acknowledge all)

Seasons greetings!

RICHARD

(To BOLINDA)

Who's this joker?

BOLINDA

He doesn't look familiar.

(Rises)

Donald, do we know him?

DONALD

(To BOY)

Do we know you, son?

BOY

Do you know yourselves?

RICHARD

A smart guy!

(To BOY)

Kid!  What are you doing in a strange house?

BOY

We could become less estranged from one another!  I've smiled at you.  May I have a smile in return?

RICHARD

(To BOY; mocks a smile)

All right, take a walk!

BOLINDA

(To BOY)

Are you a neighborhood boy?

BOY

How far does your neighborhood extend?

BOLINDA

Fresh brat!

RICHARD

Boli, you want I get rid of him?

BOLINDA

Yes!

DONALD

No violence, Richard!

(To BOY)

Son, who are you?

BOY

I'm Everyman.

RICHARD

Let me show this wire-job the door!

DONALD

Richard, this is my house!

(To BOY)

Son,  where do you come from?

BOY

In which sense?

BOLINDA

I want this lunatic out of my home!

DONALD

Be patient, Bolinda!

(To BOY)

What exactly do you want?

RICHARD

He wants a smack in the head!

BOY

I'm not here to cause trouble!

                                               BOLINDA

He looks crazy!

                                                                         RICHARD

Boli, do I toss him out, or do we watch Donny handle it?

BOY

Why do you  treat me this way?  I love you!

BOLINDA

What  nonsense!   Richie, please eliminate him.

RICHARD

(Moves toward BOY)

Okay, kid, take a walk!

                                                                        BOLINDA

Teach him the lesson of his life!

RICHARD

Out:  o-u-t!

(Shoves BOY)

                             BOY

Don't push!

DONALD

Richard, no violence!

RICHARD

You want to fight?

(Shoves BOY, throws a punch)

BOY

(Avoids blow)

Please don't!

RICHARD

(Lunges at BOY)

I'll murder you!

DONALD

(Shouts)

No, Richard!

BOY

(Exclaims)

Gyeeyyaakkh! Haakkh!

(Knocks RICHARD unconsious with well-placed karate punch)

He forced me!

BOLINDA

(Terrified, picks up her letter opener; shrieks)

He'll kill us!

BOY

I won't harm you, madam!

(Steps toward her)

BOLINDA

Stay away from me!

DONALD

(With alarm)

Son, stay away from my wife!

BOY

(Pleads)

Please, sir, madam!

BOLINDA

(Shouts)

Help!

(Feigns to faints)

DONALD

(Concerned, hastens to HER)

Bolinda!

BOY

(Sobs)

I want to communicate love!

DONALD

(During following, massages BOLINDA's hands, feels her pulse, looks at his wristwatch)

Her pulse seems normal?

BOY

What is normalcy?

DONALD

That's an interesting question.!

BOY

Sir, can't  I communicate with them?

DONALD

I doubt it.

BOY

Doubt is paralysis of the mind!

DONALD

I'm afraid we can't discuss that at the moment.

BOY

Fear is cancer of the soul.  I pity you people!

DONALD

(Grins)

Why?  We live well?

BOY

God is love!

DONALD

She's barely breathing!

(Gives BOLINDA mouth-to-mouth resuscitation)

BOY

Heavenly Father, grant peace on Earth and forgive us our trespasses!

DONALD

(Looks up)

We never kiss like this!

(Resumes resuscitation)

BOY

Goodbye!

DONALD

(Rises)

Son, I can help you.  I'm a psychotherapist.

(Removes wallet from a pants pocket, fumbles for a business card, finds one, offers it to BOY)

Call me at my office anytime; I have an answering service.

BOY

Be at one with all that exists!

(Takes card, crumbles it in fist; Exits Center-rear)

RONALD

(Calls OFF)

Don't forget to call me, son, I'm an excellent psychotherapist!

(Shuts door, bolts it)

BOLINDA

(Looks up, rises)

Thank God he's gone!

DONALD

(Startled)

Dear?.

RICHARD

(Looks up, scoffs)

Donny made us safe.

BOLINDA

(Scoffs)

My hero!

RICHARD

(Rises)

I should’ve put two slugs in back of that dingaling kid’s head!

BOLINDA

(Mimics)

"We never kiss like this!  Call me, son, I'm an excellent psychotherapist!"

RICHARD

(Mimics)

"I got a answering service!"

DONALD

(Offended, slaps BOLINDA's face)

Stop making a joke of it!

BOLINDA

(Shocked)

Donald, you struck me!

DONALD

You feigned unconsciousness.  Neither of you cared that he might very well have attacked me.

BOLINDA

You slapped my face!

DONALD

(Tries to caress BOLINDA)

I'm sorry, dear, I was anxious!

BOLINDA

(Pulls away)

Now, he's  sniveling again!  Look at yourself, Donald:  are you a real man?  I'm a real woman!  Are you man enough for me?

RICHARD

What're youse guys so upset for?

BOLINDA

Richie, help me!

RICHARD

Sure, Babe!  What could I do for you?

BOLINDA

Kill my husband!

DONALD

(Shocked)

Bolinda!

RICHARD

(Surprised)

Boli, I don't bump off my friends!

DONALD

Richard, I'll pay you five thousand dollars to assassinate my wife!

BOLINDA

Donald!

RICHARD

If I knew that dropping in for a quick visit would turn out like this, I'd have seen a movie, instead.

BOLINDA

Richie, I'll pay you ten thousand dollars to kill Donald.

DONALD

Fifteen thousand!

RICHARD

Huh?

BOLINDA

Sixteen thousand--I can throw money around, too!

DONALD

Seventeen thousand!

BOLINDA

Eighteen--every last penny I can get my hands on!

DONALD

Twenty thousand dollars!

BOLINDA

Where would you get twenty thousand dollars?

DONALD

(To BOLINDA, sneers)

Do you honestly think all my earnings are in our joint account?

BOLINDA

(To DONALD, sneers)

I hate you!!

DONALD

You disgust me!

BOLINDA

Richie, I'll give you all my love!

DONALD

I'll give you mental health, Richard!

RICHARD

How long will youse keep this up?

BOLINDA

(Shouts)

Until he’s dead!

DONALD

(Simultaneously; shouts)

Until she’s dead!

RICHARD

(Shouts)

I won't kill neither of youse!  It ain't the price; I’m retiring; going into another business; like, maybe starting a pet shop.

DONALD

One last job!

BOLINDA

You’d kill that lunatic boy free of charge!

RICHARD

That dickhead shook me up.  If it was a business proposition, I wouldn’t have lost my head.  Anyhow, “Richie Control” don't kill no more. 

BOLINDA

(Teases)

Richie Control lost it!

DONALD

(Teases)

Richard the lion-hearted--not!

RICHARD

Quit ganging up on me!

BOLINDA

I'll get you both!

(Retrieves her letter opener; threatens THEM)

DONALD

(Produces his letter opener, threatens THEM)

I’m not afraid of either of you!

RICHARD

(Quickly draws his gun; threatens THEM)

Don’t neither of youse move!

BOLINDA

Attack him, Donald.  He only has one bullet.

DONALD

(Incredulous)

How could you know that?

BOLINDA

He told me his post-job sob-story this morning:  he fired five shots last night.  Richie the Beast always forgets to reload. 

RICHARD

My rod's fully loaded!

BOLINDA

Attack him, Donald!

DONALD

Draw his fire, Bolinda!

BOLINDA

Richie, shoot Donald!

RICHARD

I'm holding on to this bullet!

BOLINDA

He has only one bullet!

RICHARD

Yeah!  Which of youse wants it?

DONALD

We needn’t kill each other.

BOLINDA

Drop your knife, Donald.  Richie, holster your gun.

RICHARD

Youse put down the letter openers!

BOLINDA

First, your gun!

RICHARD

Youse first!

DONALD

Richard, your weapon is growing heavy, heavier.  Your hand feels weak, weaker.  Your mind grows sleepy, sleepier.

RICHARD

Get outta here, I ain't falling in no trance.

BOLINDA

Donald, I've never been unfaithful to you.

DONALD

The resolution of our differences requires patience, trust, commitment.

RICHARD

I don't want to kill, and I don't want to die!

BOLINDA

I don't want to kill or be killed!

DONALD

I want to live, I don’t want to die!

THE ABOVE IS CHOREOGRAPHED IN A WEAVING MOVEMENT, EACH STALKING THE OTHERS AND BEING STALKED.  ANXIETIES MOUNT TO A FRENZY UNTIL, EXHAUSTED, ALL COLLAPSE INTO SEPARATE CHAIRS, THEIR RESPECTIVE WEAPONS HELD LIMPLY.  FINALLY:

DONALD

This must stop!

BOLINDA

Yes.  How?

RICHARD

I'll phone a guy to come and be a referee!

DONALD

A criminal associate of yours?  I'll phone a psychiatrist colleague, who lives nearby.

RICHARD

I wouldn't trust no head-shrinker if you paid me!

BOLINDA

I’ll phone someone.  It's not as though I have no friends!

THE DOORBELL RINGS:  ONE LONG, ONE SHORT, ONE LONG.  THEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER  QUESTIONINGLY.

DONALD

Shall I answer?

BOLINDA

What if it's him?

                                                RICHARD

What'll we do?

BOLINDA

I don't know.  Donald, what should we do, dear?

DONALD

I don’t know, dear.

 C U R T A I N