Greetings, nonexistent readership! I originally made
this site just so I'd have all my links in one place, but as a huge fan of Final Girl and many of the contributors to her monthly Film Club, the chance to join in on the fun as they tackle one of my favorite* genre films of all time is too tempting
to pass up. So let's just pretend I'm a blogger for one day; this way I can tell my kids that Stacie Ponder linked to ol'
Dad back before she sold out to the Big Horror lobby for worldwide fame and untold riches. Anyway, here's this dumb thing
I wrote.
*"my favorite" as distinct from "the best," or even "remotely
cohesive."
PRE-SOULREAPING ADDRESS GIVEN BY THE LEADER OF THE
SPACE VAMPIRES WITH AUDIENCE Q&A
Thank you... thank you. You're too ki... no, no,
sit down. I appreciate it but we've got a lot to get to, so just... what's that, sir?
No, you rule.
Okay, so since we share a hive mind, I take it you all
know me, and we can dispense with the introductions. I've called you here today to discuss our mission to Earth.
It's no secret thet we're dying, again, and must replenish our lifeforce reserves. Our scientists and entrepreneurs
have been diligently working toward the goal of making our civilization lifeforce-independent, and they have made great strides,
but there is as yet no substitute for interstellar mass-murder when it comes to providing the Order of the Space Vampire with
the lifestyle we're accustomed to. After we die and are petrified and then born anew, I mean.
Now, before we go any further, does anyone have any questions?
Yes, you, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, did we drag you away from the important work
of hanging upside down while your internal organs shrivel? Nah, just kidding. It's because, even though we're telepathic,
I thought it would help if we tried to get into the spirit of Earth a little; as the saying goes, when on Suloth, do as the
wretched denizens of that barren moonscape do. Humans love meetings. So hey, they're used to having their lifeforce
drained, am I right?
Anyone else? Okay, moving on.
The plan is as follows: we will intercept an Earth shuttle
as it studies Halley's Comet. We have probed the minds of one of the astronauts aboard for some insight as to how we might
best breach the humans' defenses. As it turns out, the answer is--ready for this?--hot naked people.
Yes, yes, I found it rather funny myself, but let's not look
a snogrop in the bile sphincter, okay? This should be an easy in-and-out operation. First, meet our infiltration
team, Jedara, T'Kar, and Orp. You've seen 'em before, but never quite like this! Guys? Wanna stand up?
Okay, settle down, everybody. Yes, they look scary to us,
but trust me, you're a human being, you're forming an egg-sac just looking at 'em. Our strike force here will be well-nigh
irresistible.
Questions so far? You there.
Ah, yes, the 2:1 ratio. Well, that's because it'll only
take one woman to appeal to all human men, whereas the females of the species are a little more complex. T'Kar there,
as you can see, has assumed the form of a lithe, toned fellow in his mid-twenties with penetrating eyes, well-defined
cheekbones, strong jaw, firm buttocks, a confidant gait, and a macho, stoic demeanor. Not all women would find that attractive,
though, so we gave Orp spikier hair.
I'm sorry? Couldn't quite hear...
Homosexuals? C'mon, this is London in the '80s we're talking about. How
picky can they be?
Okay, so these three will be "found" by the astronauts
and taken back to Earth. Once safely planetside, they will go on a deadly rampage, a veritable orgy of destruction
the likes of which mankind has never witnessed. Then it's on to... yes?
Why don't they maintain the illusion of humanity? I'm
sorry, ma'am, I don't think I understand. They'll still look human, if that's what you're... hmm?
Well, yes, of course the blue lightning and telekinesis will
give them away, but I still don't...
Oh, I get it. You're saying because then they could
harvest souls under the radar and we could have a reliable energy source for a sustained period instead of just getting
a quick hit and then floating back off into the void of space. Gotcha.
Yeah, y'know what? Let's just stick with the orgy of destruction.
That's really what the Soulcatcher was built for, anyway. Otherwise we gotta open and close it, open and close it, on
and on and on, and that takes an awful lot of energy. Waste half the souls just catching 'em.
Let's get back to... okay, fine, you obviously have a follow-up.
Why work so hard to make them sexually attractive if
they're just going to commit an all-out assault on the humans with their Space Vampire powers? Well, psy-ops is an inexact
science, ma'am. Look, if it helps, let's just say that a horny human's going to be that much less likely to figure out our
mortal weakness, okay?
Any other questions? And don't ask me why we don't wear breastplates.
We've been over breastplates a million times. I'm done talking about breastplates. Nobody? Onward then.
Okay, so once they've sucked the lifeforce out of a
few humans, those same humans will return to life as withered husks, and they will, in turn, suck the lifeforce from
others, lest they explode into dust. When their vitality is restored, they will feel enormous guilt for what they've done,
as they have not been fully transformed into Space Vampires--just enough for them to crave lifeforce, and also to make
that creepy howling sound, but otherwise, still human, even though they'll be susceptible to--did I mention the exploding
already? Yeah, guess I did. But again, pretty much basically human, more or less. Except for when our agents take
the form of their victims, but that's a different process entirely, which... yes, you've got something you'd like to
...?
Well, no, we're not colonizing the place. They
just feel really guilty afterward. I admit this part gets a little inside-glormball, but it does make sense, trust
me. If I had time to go into it you'd be like "oh, okay."
On to the next phase. With the chain-reaction of soulsucking
set in motion, then we shall activate the zombies. They will... yes, you in the front.
No, these are just plain zombies. Completely different
kind of reanimated corpse. Now, I... (sigh) yes?
No, they don't suck souls, they just clutch
at people and bite them. Like I said, zombies. Let's not get bogged down in... what's that?
Why not zombies, sir? Look, if you've got a better
way to herd humans into an open area for the Soulreaping, I'd love to hear it.
Boy, those talons just shot right up, didn't they? Look,
I promise we'll get everyone's input next time, okay? We're doing it with zombies. Sheesh. Talk about too many rynoks in the
plasma dome.
So that's pretty much it. I can see some of you have died
and turned into inorganic material already, so we should probably get these three to their crystal chambers. Hey, Let's hear
it for our anthropomorphs! Give 'em a big flap, they deserve it.
Okay, don't milk it, T'Kar. Mr. Big Deal Hero over here.
Thanks for coming, everybody, and all glory to the Order
of the Space Vampire. Keep on sucking!
Jedara, could you stay behind for just a sec, hon?
Not to micromanage, but try not to scratch there, wouldja?
It distracts from the overall effect. I know it feels weird without spines and webbing but just, I don't know, try to focus
past it.
Yes, I know T'Kar and Orp scratch theirs
constantly. Earth women sort of expect them to, though, so it's not a problem, whereas the males are kind of... oh, let's
say unrealistic when it comes to female genitalia. To them, vaginas are like the harmonic spheres
of Udaro IV, all magical and otherworldly and shit. You treat that thing like a normal body part, it kinda freaks 'em out.
I know, right? Always something with the higher mammalian
bipeds. Oh, and hey, thanks again for volunteering. As we discussed, your student loan debt'll be taken care of.
