The Vespasian Post
Senior Administration
Official (above) bakes cookies!
COOKIE FRAUD!
Conor Pastree
In a startling
turn of events for an administration not known for its dessert-friendly
policies, a Senior Administration Official baked cookies! This program started
out as a fund for the desert war in
MODERN SPARTACUS
Hannah Roma
Just
last night, officials were amazed as they chased a lunatic knife thrower. No
one was killed but 37 are wounded and 3 are not predicted to live. Victims
cried for help as the patient of the I.M. Mental Institute escaped last night,
attacking brutally with stainless steel kitchen knives. The owner told us that the patient had been
particularly interested in the Ancient Roman slave protester, Spartacus.
Apparently he took after him and stole the kitchen knives to let off some
steam. “He must have escaped around four thirty because I was up all night
doing my taxes. I went to bed around four,” stated the owner, Indy Otic. Or so
he says! Officials have proved that he may have been in on the scheme. In each
institute in the country, special cameras are provided for extra security. “You
wouldn’t imagine what some patients try to do,” said 48 year old police chief,
Bush E. Mustache. A loop was found in one of the tapes that were given to the
police for inspection. The psychotic mental will be locked in a brass tower on
the top floor of the institute while staff and other residents are being
questioned. If indeed our evidence is true and someone prompted the patient to
throw knives around they will be fined and sentenced to a long period of time
in jail.
Weather for the Upcoming
Week
Tim Cruise
Monday- A warm sunny day that everyone is sure to enjoy, with a
temperature of 97°.
Tuesday- Today
it is going to be depressing and cold, with a high of - 35°. Be sure to get out
your winter coats because it’s cold out there!
Wednesday-
Folks, put those winter coats back and take out your rain coats because today
we are expected to get at least seventy-three inches of rain, flooding the
center of the town.
Thursday- We’re
back to the cold weather today! It is going to be a high of -45°. Be sure not
to go outside, any exposed skin will get frost bit, the second that it is
exposed!!!
Friday-
Astonishing temperature changes!! It will be a high of 102°!!!
Our Week in Sports
Ben and Jerry Remy
This month has
been a very exciting one for the sports addicts out there. Last Sunday, the
Indianapolis Colts won the biggest game in the NBA, the Stanley Cup. After
making the playoffs, they proceeded to do extremely well in the ALDS and the
ALCS. Their pro-bowl center, Josh Beckett, was extremely proud of his team. “I
am so happy that we could make the hard corner kicks and penalty shots,” he
remarked after defeating Andre Agassi in Sunday’s game. The starting pitcher
for the Chargers, Paul Pierce, said that he was disappointed in his team’s
effort and that they need to brush the ice better and push the stone harder in
the future. “The way we were playing, we deserved to lose,” he stated in the
locker room. All in all, I would say that this month in sports has been very
exciting and informational.
J AD TIME! J
Do you suck at hide and go seek? Well
don’t fear, because road suit is here! This is a suit made of the finest
scratched leather that looks exactly like the middle of the road! Just slip it
on, go out into the street and lie down! You’ll never get found!
Can you see anyone? I can’t!
The designer and
manufacturers of this product are not responsible for any fatalities or
injuries received while using this product.
Have you ever wished you could swear? Well now you can get a
free legal document that solves that problem for only ten dollars! It allows
you to say any swear that you want at any time in any place! The document is
the newest in the freedom of speech department and everyone is fighting to get
one! Hurry! Our infinite supply could run out soon!
Warning: This document
may not be recognized by parental authorities.
Do you hate to work? If you need to look
good, but you’re a slacker then this product is for you! SLUG (Southern Lebanon
University for Greatness) technologies has recently come out with a wristband
that generates sweat! The small red wristband constantly generates sweat using
the heat from your body! Just wipe your brow and TADA! You look like you’ve been
working like hell!
IN STORES SOON!
Top-Notch Realty
Old Farmer Brown
(Read with a strange rural accent.) Wait ‘til
ya sees what we have for ya dis month folks. We’s gots ‘n exciting new
assortment o’ shacks, bungalows, and your everyday cahdbowd box! Now let’s hava
look at our houses!
This here’n is a delightful little shack up on
busy ol’ innerstate niney five. Da area for dis baby is a whole 8500*! The
value is ‘bout 8.4 millyin dollas, but when ya gets a home likes dis, it’s woith
it!
*All
measurements in square centimeters.
Dis li’l bungalow’s da best in da business! It
has a kit-chen, a famly room, a game room (all combined) and it even comes wit its own outhouse!
Now dat’s mighty
fine! Da price o’ dis baby is five millyin dollas. Just make sure notta light a
fire or nothin’ ‘cause the whole dang place’ll go up in smoke.
Dis is da cahdbowd box we’s mentioned befow.
It ain’t much, but at least its gots “walls.” It also comes wit a butlah (as
pictured) and its gots lots o’ neighbors! Da value is somewhere ‘round 3.3
millyin dollas, but it gets a bit wet when it rains.
Dats all fo dis month
folks. Hope yas found ya somewheres bettah den da dump yas in now.
Need A Diet?
Fatkins Diet Creator
Do you need an
exceptionally good diet? Well reading this article will be the best thing that
has ever happened to you!! Really fat people normally don’t even realize how
fat they are. Did you know that? They just think that they are fat because most
fat people have fat parents and they just think that they have their parent’s
fat genes and that the fat will go away in about five to ten years, but have
they really ever lost that fat? In fact, even if fat people try to work out to
lose the fat, the fat ends up coming back because it’s in their blood that they
are fat because their parents were fat. So, all in all, if you are fat and your
parents are fat then don’t bother to read the rest of this article because the
fatness will eventually just take over your fat body again!! If, on the other
hand, you just got fat because you ate too much junk food like apples and
pears, then continue to read.
Now, finally, to the diet. In this
diet all you eat all you eat is Jolly Ranchers™! This organization will provide
you with five thousand Jolly Ranchers™ every two days. When you get up in the
morning you first eat twenty Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers™. Then, once you
have brushed your teeth, eat forty Cherry Jolly Ranchers™. Once you have
finished the Cherry Jolly Ranchers™ then have three hundred Green Apple Jolly
Ranchers™. From there, you can be the
judge of the amount and flavor, as long as you eat 2,500 Jolly Ranchers™ a day.
AND ONLY JOLLY RANCHERS™, NOTHING ELSE!!!!
Great Vacation Spots
Dr. Farkle
McFatfatidioticjones
This month we
have some great vacation spots for you. The first place we are going to take
you is an old trucker town in
The next vacation spot we are going
to take you is a beautiful war zone,
The last vacation spot for this month is a
cruise to the Bermuda Triangle! On this lovely
Fashion Blast from the
Fashion Past
Ima Hippie
Ima Hippie:
Today we are going to be talking about 70s fashion. We are lucky enough to have
an expert on this topic today. So how long have you been in the fashion
business?
Expert: About
100 years.
IH: Wow! You must be old!
E: No, I’m just
35.
IH: How does
that work?
E: It’s a long
story.
IH: What do you
think of the way teens are dressing nowadays?
E: I think
that they’re just trying to show that they like that style.
IH: Do you have
any insight on why they might like it?
E: No.
IH: Ok. Being an
expert in fashion, do you make you make of any of your own clothes?
E: I actually
don’t. My husband is a seamstress, so he does all of that.
IH: Who
influenced you to become a fashion designer?
E: Michael
Jackson.
IH: That’s…nice?
Where do you get most of your ideas?
E: The dump. I
like to make most of my clothes out of recycled broken glass.
IH: Isn’t that
uncomfortable?
E: Well, in
fashion it doesn’t really matter if it’s comfortable or not. It’s just how it
looks.
IH: Well, if
that’s how you feel, Ok. How do you clean it?
E: You don’t.
Just spray it with perfume a couple times a day and you’re good to go!
IH: Ok, you know
what? You’re grossing me out! This interview is over. LEAVE!
And now, for our all-
famous, top-of-the-line…
MUSIC
COLUMN!!!
And it’s jammin’
wit me, yo homie… KEVIN
FEDERLINE!
And now it’s time fo’ our
top fo’ty yo. And guess who’s getting’ all the slots? Nuttin’ but cho’ own
K-FED!
TOP FO’TY TIME!
Track
Artist
Crazy K-Fed feat Britney
Spears
Lose Control K-Fed
The World Is Mine K-fed
Dancing With A Pimp K-Fed feat. Ya Boy
Playing With Fire K-fed
Privilege K-Fed feat. Bosko
Snap K-fed
League Of My Own K-fed
Intro K-fed
Interlude K-fed
Caught Up K-fed
Kept On Talkin’ K-fed
Popozăo K-fed
Yo yo yo! Memba
how I was like “we’z on da top fo’ty yo!” I meant da top fo’teen. See, da thing is, yo homie cant
think of any udda songs dat yo bad boy “rapped” and I ain’t gonna give none a
dem udda bums who think dat dey can rap any space on dis list cause dey ain’t
got no place in show biz! Dat’s all fo’ now, but stay tight wit yo homie. I’m
outta here now, but you keep cheerin’! K-Fed! Yeah, I’m gangsta. See yall next
time to jam out! Peace!
Email comments to conorchinitz@gmail.com