Fred has been telling me he has financial obligations and that is part of the reason he can't leave Justine.  What are the obligations?  That he gave her $1500 to go towards rent and that she has bought furniture for them because he told her he wants it to work between them.  She bought bunk beds for her daughter and Alexis - she did that on her own and a little premature I think. 

 

Fred has really let me down, I feel like my life with him was a waste of time just to end it this way.  To leave me for another woman and her kid because our marriage was too rocky and full of arguements.  Rather than communicate, just shut yourself off and then get mad at me for not knowing what was going on.  He pissed me off so bad to hear that he is going to work hard to make sure their relationship works, otherwise what did he make all this mess for.  How about it was a mistake?  People do make mistakes!  He says he is leaving the best thing he ever did behind and that would be Alexis.  That is all his doing, Justine and her daughter are far more important than his own blood.  It's worth sacrificing his family because we argued and he would rather argue with someone else down the road than to work it out and keep his family.  His priorities are all screwed up and I know she is telling him things to make him feel better about being away and there with her.  She has done it all along and Fred is just too blind to see it.  Why be alone when there is a nice guy out there that you can try to steal away to take care of you and your daughter?  That's what she did and he can't even see it and when he does, we wont be around and he will then feel the hurt that I have been feeling these past 2 weeks.  I can't sleep and I can't eat and it's all because of him and he doesn't care enough to come home.  I don't know who he is anymore and I question sometimes why I try so hard to get him back if this is the way I am going to be treated.  This is so tough and I just wish it was over!

It was nice to have my friends over but it didn't feel right because every time we all get together, Fred would be with me.  I thought today was going to be a good thing, and it was, but it started out really tough.  You don't realize all the things you do with someone until they are no longer in your life. 

 

I don't know what he is doing.  I wonder what their relationship was really like before they moved in together - was it more than what he said it was?  Is he still telling me he's not sure what he wants as a way to try to let me down easily because this is torture.  He tells me he's not sure what he wants but then he tells me he hopes it works out with him and Justine otherwise what did he destroy everything for?  I'm so confused and it doesn't get any better.  Is he stringing me along, is this marriage really over and divorce is what he wants but can't say it?  Or is he really confused and doesn't know what he wants but then again, this isn't the way to go about things.  What happened to the man I married almost 6 years ago?  This is not the man I knew and fell in love with and I don't know where he went.  The longer he stays away the less likely we will be able to reconcile if he ever decided he wanted to and the thing that kills me is the relationship between him and Alexis is no longer what it use to be.  I only want answers but I don't think he can give them to me or that he wants to.  I'm just so lost.

Yesterday I talked with one of the owners about what was going on in my life so she would know why I might not be available to work weekends right now or why I might not seem as happy.  She asked if I felt I could still do the job and I said yes, of course, I just wanted to make her aware of what was going on.  The GM (her step son) asked me later if he could meet with me the next day (Thursday) and what time I would be in.  I told him I would be in at 10 and he said let's meet at 10 and I said ok. 

 

I couldn't sleep at all last night and said, they are going to fire me tomorrow.  They did!  He said that I wasn't bringing up the business like they expected and that my 60 day trial period just past and they were going to let me go.  That I wasn't meeting budget and it wasn't working out but because of my situation, he was going to offer me a job in another department - I don't think so.  I was hating going in to work everyday because they never trained me or showed me anything.  They just threw me in the spa and expected me to know everything.  I put a claim in for unemployment when I got home and hopefully it will go through, I really need the money. 

 

Of course all this happens and then I get a message that a realtor wants to show my house at 5:30 tonight.  Two showings in 4 days, this is all just too much for me to handle.  I hate to say it but I wish I had Fred with me because he always could calm me down and helped me out.  I would never have imagined going through something like this alone, without him.  I don't know what's going on with him, his actions are totally uncharacteristic of him.  He always thinks things through and never jumps into something and has always been dedicated and a man of his word.  I don't know who this person is today but it's not the man I met 15 years ago and certainly isn't the man I married.  I hope he figures out what he wants before it's too late.  The longer he stays away the less chance there is to reconcile.

What a coincidence - this September Fred and I would be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary.  We got married on the 8th and left for Disney on the 9th.  The first thing we did after checking in was to find a place to watch the opening day game for the Patriots.  If I remember correctly it was against the Bangels and we lost.  Of course then we had 9/11 happen as well - a good honeymoon but it could have been better.  Well, this year the Patriot's 1st game is on 9/9, just like when we got married.  That will be a tough weekend for me and a very tough game for me to watch, if I can watch it.  I will always be a Patriots fan and Alexis will grow up as one as well, if I have anything to say about it!

Fred has decided to leave this marriage because he doesn't really love me like he feels he should.  He has moved to Amesbury with a "room mate" and I am devistated to say the least.  We have decided to put our house up for sale after owning it for 13 months and it went on the market yesterday and today I had my first showing (very tough on me).  I need to find another job because my current job has cut my hours to between 20 & 30 and I need stability and benifits incase we end up in divorce.    So, there are a lot of things going on here and I am trying to be strong but this is so much tougher than I thought it was going to be.  My friends and my family have been a huge support for me and have been a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.  I thank you all and I am so glad I have you all in my life.  I am alone but not alone.  Every day will get better, I just can't see the light right now.  To me, I have not only lost my husband but my best friend and companion - that's a lot to lose all at once.  My email is always open and I could use support from you all as I work through this.  Thanks for listening!