Well, Fred and I did Mt. Monadnock again.  I've lost a lot of weight but haven't been to the gym and man did my hips feel it last night.  We had a really good time, enjoyed lunch at the top and then bought frappes for the family on the way home.  It was a gorgous day, a little windy and chilly at the top but nice for climbing.  I would love to do Washington again but only once I am back to the gym and doing a lot on the stair master to really get my legs back into climbing shape. 

 

Today we had an open house, only 1 couple showed up.  The husband loved the house, the wife was a little concerned with the area - we have the nicest and biggest house on the street.  We then decided to take Alexis to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time.  She loved it!  She wanted nothing to do with eating, so we know for the next time to eat before we go there, and just wanted to play and go on the rides.  We bought a bunch of tokens and played Skee-Ball and other games to win tickets and turned the tickets in for a couple prizes.  She had so much fun and you know what, so didn't Fred and I.  We actually had a really nice weekend and enjoyed being together.  It's nice to hear him tell me he loves me again and to hold my hand.  Things he hasn't done with me in a long time.  When you stop touching your partner you lose that connection and we sure had lost it.  I'm glad he's home and I am so glad that he realizes that what he did was a mistake, that he never should have left without trying to work on the marriage.  He can see now that he took the easy way out, not wanting to deal with what he had and jumped out so he wouldn't have to do the work.  We have a long road ahead of us but if we continue to work together, I know we can do it.

Fred decided he wanted to climb Mount Monadnock again with me, something we enjoyed doing before Alexis was born.  I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with him.  Part of the reason he really wants to do the hike is because he did it with "her" and "her" daughter and wants to erase that from his mind and have the memories of him and I again.  I think it's good that he wants to put all that happened with "her" behind him and has realized what a mistake it was to walk out on his family without really working to try to fix it.

 

I hate the fact that he still is working at Maptech and has to see "her" everyday.  We updated his resume last night and I applied for a couple jobs for him.  It would be nice if he could find a job closer to home so he wouldn't have as far of a commute and be away from "her".  This will always be an issue with us as long as he is working there because there is such a history with "her" it's hard for me to just forget about it, even though I want to.  Well, that's all for now.  I will have to bring my camera when we go hiking and take some pictures and post them  on my site.  Have a good one everyone!

Last Saturday Fred said he was coming home on Friday but I didn't want to post anything on my site until I knew it was true.  He took the day off from work and picked up a UHaul truck, loaded it up and came home.  I was hoping Justine would be at work and not make it difficult for him.  I know he cares about her but he knows he was wrong for leaving his family and he said it took being away to realize a lot.  He found it funny that he was willing to communicate and hold hands in a new relationship but that wasn't something he was willing to do with ours.  I learned that I don't need him in my life, I am able to survive on my own and take care of Alexis.  The difference now is that I want him in my life.

 

It has been wonderful having him home, it feels like a family again.  Alexis doesn't want him far from her sights.  This morning she said "Daddy's home."  How true!  I actually will get to watch the Patriot's game today without getting upset.  Alexis already has a new Patriot's outfit to wear for the games - of course.

 

I am nervous about Fred going back to work tomorrow.  I have a feeling Justine isn't going to let go as easily as he thought.  He had the feeling she understood that he was married, still loved me and missed his daughter more than his words could ever express and that their relationship was over.  I think differently.  Just with the way she has been through this whole relationship, I'm afraid that she will be emotionally unstable.  I don't have any pitty for her, she knew there were no guarentees - we were still married, we weren't separated or divorced.  She pushed him to make a decision and he knows it was the wrong one and that he should have worked on our relationship rather than jumping into another one to escape our problems.  I am glad he is home and I know we have a lot of work ahead of us but he too thinks this time around, our relationship will be even better.

Fred came over on Saturday and we had a really nice time as a family.  When we talked, Fred asked for another week to give his decision because he had a lot of concerns about our relationship.  I told him he had until the 22nd but that was it.  He was either going to come home next weekend or we were done, I can't keep doing this.   Not knowing what is happening in my marriage is destroying me emotionally and it's just not healthy.  So that is all I know right now, I will keep you all posted when I hear anything new.

I had asked Fred if he could just come up Friday night, pick up Alexis and spend the night so we could talk once Alexis was in bed.  This way we could really talk and not worry about distractions or what is being said in front of her.  Fred told me last night that he would call me today and let me know what was happening.  I didn't get a call.  I emailed him a joke from my boss and asked him to call me.  He replied to the email but nothing about tonight.  I left him a message around 1:30 to call me and then I finally called him about 10 of 3 and got him.  He said he couldn't come tonight because they were having problems at work and it was with a VP and Fred was asked to go out for drinks with them tonight (8 PM I found out) and he felt he had to because he needs to kiss corporate butt so he doesn't have to worry about losing his job.  It sounds like an excuse to me.

 

My question was if he was coming home to me then he would have to find another job - so he must not be coming back if he is worried about keeping his job.  He said he will be here tomorrow morning and I asked him why - he hung up on me.  I am pissed, I think I will be calling a lawyer on Monday because he is afraid to face me.  He seems to be trying to delay this as much as possible.  Every time I ask him about his decision he just says he will talk to me on Saturday.  He could say, I'm really wanting to come home but I have a few things to discuss with you first.  If he says he doesn't want to come home he is probably afraid I would tell him not to bother coming over and that would be a correct assumption.  I am so pissed right now and I know tomorrow is going to be bad.

I gave Fred 2 weeks to make up his mind about what he wanted to do because this is torture to me emotionally.  Fred has until the 15th to decide what he wants to do but this week he asked for another week.  I was so upset, I figured if he was going to come home it would be this weekend because he wouldn't want to leave Alexis again considering how much he says he misses her.  I granted him another week because he made it sound like he had things he needed to do before he left and he wanted to make sure Justine would be all set and the ulitities would get changed over.

 

Now, when I talk to Fred, he says he still doesn't know what he wants.  He loves her but he misses Alexis every day.  How does he feel about me?  What I got from it is that he does love me but more like a friend or sister, not a wife.  Then he brings up that I gave him 2-3 months when we talked about a trial separation and I told him I couldn't do it and if he was asking for more time than the week I couldn't do it.  He was either going to come home next weekend or file for divorce and he said that I would have to file then.  I remember, before he even left, that he said he would know within a month if it was going to work out or if he would want to come home, that it wouldn't take 2 months.

 

I am terrified of what the conversation will be about.  I am afraid that around me he wants to be with me and feels something for me again but then once he is back around Justine those feelings for me kind of go away.  I think he doesn't want to hurt her and if he tells me he is going to come home he wont be able to tell her he is leaving and is then going to ask for more time or tell me that it's over.  He also talks about us going back to how we were and that all we will do is argue.  With thoughts like that I am in a losing battle because he is going to be negative around me no matter what.  If he is going to come home he needs to find another job and we have to down size to an affordable mortgage so we can do things as a family.

 

I thought Fred was going to be coming home so I was thinking of all these things I wanted to do with him.  I wanted to go to a comedy show with him at the Kowloon, go out for dinner and a movie, things like that.  My father said that if Fred comes home we should celebrate that day like a second anniversary because that was the day we gave our marriage a second chance and we should celebrate it every year.  I thought that was a great idea but I have a feeling I will never get to do it because I don't think Fred is going to leave Justine no matter how much he misses Alexis.  I think he feels obligated to stay with her because SHE was planning their future and now he will feel he will have to stay, because he promised her or something like that.  I have a horrible feeling that his obligation to her will be stronger than anything he had for me and that I will then have to go and apply for divorce because he wont.  I am so sad because I really feel like this marriage is coming to an end and that his love for me and all that we have is not enough for him and he would rather not continue with us because she means so much more to him than I ever could these days.  We really could be happy again but I don't think he will give us the chance.  I wish I could stop these tears, I don't want to feel this pain anymore, I want to be happy again and I know I wont be until I get a yes I want to be with you or a no, I'm never coming back.  Until I know what's going on I will be locked in this hell that I am living in and Fred will never understand what this is like, ever.

Today is my 6th wedding anniversary and I am spending it alone while Fred is with his girlfriend.  How perfect, I get to cry alone and he gets to cuddle and feel loved.   He spent the night last night so he could be with Alexis and we talked - he has a week to make a decision and he feels that's not a lot of time.  I have been dealing with all of this for 6 months going back and forth not knowing what was happening in my marriage.  This whole process is taking a toll on me.  The longer he stays away the less he is going to want to come home and the less likely I would want to take him back.

 

He doesn't seem to understand that Alexis may be 2 but she knows there is something wrong, she just can't vocalize it.  She will bring up her daddy and I just try to pass it over because I'm afriad talking about him is just going to upset her and she doesn't understand.  When she woke up from her nap today Fred was already gone and she said "daddy that way" meaning daddy was in our bedroom and I had to tell her that daddy was at work.  The look on her face, it just dropped and then she was crying down stairs and I just layed on the couch holding her while she calmed down.  I have to fight to get her in the bath now, even tonight because I know she connects bath time with her daddy.  He always was there to give her a bath - now she doesn't want one and cries.  Last night it wasn't a problem - oh that's right, daddy was there giving her a bath.

 

I wish for him to come home.  Seeing him rips at my heart because I don't want him to leave and I know he will be.  He talks about sometimes wanting to come home but he is afraid that things will go back to how they were between us.  How does he know what things will be like between him and Justine after 6 months?  No one knows but I do know that if we work together, there is nothing we can't overcome.  I just don't know if I am enough for him any more or if Alexis is enough of a reason to try to save our marriage.  I know that we could have something increadible because we have started communicating how we feel about things and have pointed out our problem areas.  That's what you need to do to rebuild, I just wish he would give us a chance and have faith in us, I do. 

 

Tomorrow is going to be another tough day.  I have a very difficult time watching the Patriots play without Fred being there - it's just not the same.  My parents are going to come over and be here with me since this is a tough weekend for me.  Every member of this family that I talk to really hopes that Fred will come home because they all love him and know how much I care for and love him.  My parents would be down in an instant if  he called and said he wanted to come home and needed some help moving.  That is how much my family means to them and how much they love Fred, even after all of this.  I hope eventually he will see how much he is really loved and that will help him in rebuilding our marriage, if that's what he decides to do. 

I was so nervous about taking this job at the machine shop.  What do I know about working in a machine shop or doing QC?  Nothing!  Luckily they saw something in me that they liked and were willing to train the right person which happened to be me.  So I am learning a little bit about testing parts to specs (per the blue prints provided).  I am being trained with the equipment and tools and honestly, I think I am really going to like it.  Something different may come through the door every day or it could be a bunch of the same stuff, you never know.  The good thing is that if I do well, this could be a great stepping stone to another job where I might be able to make more money. 

 

This job has also given me a purpose again in life - I am something more than just a mom.  I am feeling so much better about myself and feeling good in my skin.  I haven't felt this way in quite a long time.  I wish Fred was here to see me shine, he would be so proud of me if he could see me right now.  I think he would like some of the guys I work with, really nice blue collar family men.  Well, that's it for tonight.  Remember to cheer for the Patriots on Sunday at 1!

Well, today I started my new job working at a machine shop helping in the Q.C. department.  My father was so happy that I took the job because he was able to show me some of the tools he had bought when he did the job.  Yep, I even got to see them at work today - just a little more updated with digital readings.  It feels really weird going to work in jeans and T Shirts and I could even wear a hat - I think I might get use to this.

 

The tough part today was in the HR office, filling out my paper work.  I had to list a contact person incase anything happened.  I always list Fred but I didn't know what to do this time.  I needed to list an address and phone number and since he doesn't live with me, and I don't have his address - I figured I would list my dad.  I almost broke down in the office because of it.  Then I had to fill out the information for my beneficiary for my life insurance - that's always been Fred but if we aren't going to be married then it can't be him.  So I listed Alexis.  I thought going to work would help clear my mind but he kept coming up in conversations and stuff like that.  I'm sure I never come up any more in his conversations, especially since I'm sure almost everyone at his work knows he is with Justine now.  I hate this!  My life is filled with great thoughts of him and I'm sure he doesn't think much of me.  Would it be different if he was living alone?  I'm sure it would be.  Then he wouldn't have someone to help ease the pain of feeling alone or missing his daughter.  I wish he would come home but I have a horrible feeling that he is gone forever.  That it will be months before he ever thinks about missing me or wanting to come home.  By then who knows where I will be - I sure don't.  My life is changing everyday while his stays the same.  He has no clue what this is like, none.

I decided I would watch the movie Premonition while my friend Jannel was over.  It was a good thing that I did because I didn't realize the movie was about a couple who lost their way in love, he was about to have an affair and she was faced with the decision to try to stop him from dying after learning everything about what was going on.  She said "We are living as roommates with 2 kids"  and "How did we get here?"  The first comment was one Fred had made and the other was something I always think.  It really hit home with me and made me sad because unlike the movie, I didn't have the information ahead of time and there really wasn't a way for me to change the outcome of what was going to happen.

 

I miss him a lot today.  I have a hard time listening to music or watching TV because something always reminds me of him and I still can't understand why my love and the love for his daughter isn't enough to try to make this marriage work.  How can you have such a beautiful little girl that you love so much and not fight to be with her.  Did his love die for me?  He seems to think so but then he tells me that he loves me, just not the way he feels he should and that he still cares a lot about me.  Those are 2 conflicting statements and it confuses me.  Do I want him to come home - more than anything.  I want the chance to prove to him that we are increadible together and that nothing will be able to destroy what we have, ever again. 

 

Alexis kept mentioning daddy today and it makes me sad.  There was so much I wanted to do as a family, like pick apples and pick a pumpkin for Halloween and I wanted us to go out as a family for trick or treating this year with Alexis for her first time.  I feel like our family ended prematurely before the best stuff ever happened.  I remember the look on Fred's face when he held Alexis for the first time and he just gazed into her eyes.  I said that is a man that is so in love, he is going to be a great father and love her like I could only wish he could love me.  That makes the idea of him being in another family so hard to swallow, like we are easily replaced and that eventually he wont really miss Alexis too much because he has another child to play with and raise.  I really hate all this!

Fred spent the night last night so we could talk without Alexis being around.  Of course what I talked about was how I wish he could see me as someone more than the person he use to argue with, that we could be happy again if he only thought about us in a positive way.  That if all you imagine is negative things then you will never be able to find anything more but there is so much more to us than that.  He doesn't think he could ever be happy with me again and that there will never be trust between us again after all of this.  He doesn't know me at all.  Good things are worth fighting for and working hard to keep and that is what I would do to keep this family together. 

 

So, I told him he had 2 weeks to make up his mind; that would be 1 month away.  I don't think this is going to end well for me because I don't think he will ever love me again or be able to be happy with me.  It's not my choice but I don't think there are going to be any surprises with his decision - I think his mind is already made up and Alexis and I aren't the family he wants.  Alexis he wants in his life, just not me, and he will settle for seeing her maybe 1 day a week.  This is devastating, I am losing my husband, my house will probably be gone in a few months and who knows where I will be and what I can even afford. 

 

I wish Fred could see that the benefits of us staying together outweigh us being apart.  If he loves his daughter as much as he says he does than how can he not put an effort into this knowing where this is going to lead.  I wish he could see there are no guarentees with anything, especially not with Justine, that he has a better chance of finding happiness again back at home with his daughter and his wife.  Kids are something to work hard for and keep close, not walk away from because you don't think you can be happy again.  Of course when you are living with someone else you don't feel the pain of being alone or rejected. 

 

He hates to talk to me when all I talk about is wishing he would change his mind and come home so I told him I wouldn't be calling him.  Since he wants his space to figure out what he wants, he can have it.  I can not talk to him without saying I wish he would come home.  I need an answer so I can move on with my life rather than living in this hell that I have been in, not knowing what is going to happen.  In my mind Fred was going to come home because being away from Alexis and the pain that he was causing me would have been way too much to take and worth a second chance.  Maybe I was fooling myself to think I even had a chance or to believe there was a light at the end of this tunnel.  I actually got myself to believe that I could be enough for him and he would miss me terribly.  Well, maybe he will miss me when I'm no longer around but then again, probably not. 

 

I think he will be coming up next Saturday, on our 6 year anniversary, to see Alexis.  The perfect ending would be for him to come home that weekend but everyone knows that wont happen.  The 15th is when I told him I needed his decision and of course I will update my blog when I get the news.