Sam and the 7 Tok'ra

SG-1 MEET SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

AKA

SAM AND THE SEVEN TOK'RA

By Gemsong

Rating: G (graphic explosions)
Spoilers: None
Summary: Another classic fairy tale gets the shaft. And the fans are behind it.
Disclaimer: They are not mine. They belong to other people. This is not a surprise in an unfair universe.
Author's Note: I've noticed a tendency in recent fractured fairy tales where Jack gets whumped and or humiliated. Daniel too. So just this once, somebody else is gonna get nailed.

Sam & the 7 Tok'ra

Cast & Crew:

Director: Gemsong
Narrator: Daniel
Snow White: Sam
Handsome Prince: Jack
Huntsman: Teal'c
Good King: General Hammond
Forest Creatures: Mishkaz, Sandman, H2
7 Tok'ra/Dwarves: Doc-Jacob, Dopey-Martouf, Sneezy-Anise, Bashful-Aldwyn, Happy-Garshaw, Sleepy-Hathor, Grumpy-Cronus

Gemsong: (checking over the script) Okay, bring him in.

Jack is dragged onstage by Teal'c. He is currently bound and gagged.

Sam: (having second thoughts) Uh, Gemmy... he really doesn't want to be here.
Gemsong: I know. That's why he's tied up.

Skip, seeing her quarry's helpless state, giggles maniacally and starts stalking the trussed up Jack.

Gemsong: Skip! (points to chair) Sit!
Skip: (whine) PLEASE!!!!????
Gemsong: (gestures to the chocolate cake on the buffet table in the back.) If you are a good girl during this fic, you'll get all that and a special surprise at the end.

Skip whimpers in self restraint and resumes her seat with the rest of the Ascifi Mob, who are sitting and wondering just what Gemmy is up to this time.

Gemsong: Okay, places everyone.

Teal'c hauls the bound and gagged Jack to a corner of the stage and props him up in a corner so he can watch. Kat, Anni and Annette quickly set up the stage. On one side is a very fake castle. On the other side is an even more fake forest. Daniel walks to stand behind the podium. Kat wanted to dress him in Speedos and a muscle shirt, but Gemmy wanted attention on the play, not Daniel's.....umm.... attributes.

Daniel: Once upon a time, there was a good and kind king named Hammond.

General Hammond comes out wearing very kingly robes and a crown, courtesy of Annette you found the combination to Gemsong's costume collection.

Daniel: And the creature most beloved in his world was his beautiful and intelligent daughter Samantha who was sometimes called Snow White.

Sam comes out in a black tank top and baggy shorts and sneakers. The male members of the Mob smile and the little tank top number. Jsc puts down a towel to soak up the drool oozing into her section.

Daniel: On day after a night of excessive drinking and the fact somebody slipped a powerful hallucinogenic drug into his wine, King Hammond found himself married to the most evil of women.

Apophis is shoved on stage. He is wearing a long black wig, bright red dress with matching platform shoes. Kat found the seventies section of the costume room.

Neo: That would take drugs.
Dave: A whole LOT of drugs.
Apophis: You shall pay for this insult!
Gemsong: Yeah, yeah, tell it to someone who cares.
Asmiley: Yo baby, work it, own it....
Bee: Body by Jake, Brain by Mattel.

Hammond takes one look at Apophis and bursts out laughing so hard he falls on the floor.

Gemsong: Daniel, keep up!
Daniel: Oh! Sorry! (stunned by sight of Apophis) The king died from grief and shame. (Annette helps the still laughing Hammond off stage) Leaving his beloved daughter in the hands of her evil stepmother the queen.

Apophis: You are now in my power!
Sam: (rolls her eyes) Yeah, right. In a mob-fic? Pul-leeze....

Kat rolls a full height mirror on to the stage and stands behind it.

Apophis: (standing in front of mirror) Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is god and lord above all.

Kat: (behind mirror) You are a god [in your own mind] 'tis true, but Samantha Carter is better than you.
Apophis: (shaking with rage) Jaffa Kree!!!!
Teal'c: (comes back onstage) You bellowed?
Apophis: Remove this Tau'ri from my sight and kill her!!
Neo: Hey Apophis! Kree this!

Apophis shakes his fist at the Mob and stomps off. As well as anyone can stomp off in platform shoes.

Sam: Please, kind huntsman, kill me not. For I shall go deep into the forest never to be seen again.
Teal'c: That is acceptable. (pats Sam on the head and walks off stage.)
Gemsong: Forest creatures! You're up!

Mishkaz, Sandman and H2 come bouncing on stage wearing pink bunny suits. Kat found the Easter section of the costume department.

Mishkaz: (muttering) I'm gonna get Gemmy for this.
Sandman: The forest is no place for you beautiful and intelligent princess.
H2: (rolls her eyes) Yadda, yadda, yadda....
Sam: Oh my thanks, dear and kind creatures of the forest. (sigh) Spare me this dialog.
Gemsong: Daniel!
Daniel: (interrupted from making eyes at Peachy and Asmiley) Huh?
Gemsong: Narrate!
Daniel: (quickly flips through the script to catch up.) So the kind and loving forest creatures led Samantha to the tunnels.... Er... house of the 7 Tok'ra.
Jack: MMMPH!!!
Gemsong: (pats Jack on the head) I ran out of names.
Daniel: The leader of the Tok'ra was Doc.
Jacob: Is this about those command issues?
Gemsong: Sheesh.
Daniel: And he welcomed her and invited her to stay with them in safety. Then he introduced her to the other six dwarves... er... I mean Tok'ra. The first was Sleepy...

Hathor is rolled out in a wheel barrel, snoring away elegantly. She looks so cute when she's sleeping.

Skip: Neat trick.
Gemsong: (shrug) I prefer her quiet.
Daniel: And Bashful...
Aldwyn: Why am I here? I had VERY small parts in the show.
Gemsong: You were given a name in the series. Now shut up.
Daniel: And Happy...
Garshaw: (staggering out with a bottle of Zima in one hand and half a six pack of Zima in the other) I love this drink!
Daniel: And Grumpy...
Cronus: I kneel before no one! I warned you Tau'ri! I will have you all-
Gemsong: Anni?

Anni walks over to the system lord and whispers quite intently in his left ear. He listens for a long moment with a slight frown.

Cronus: ...and I get knee pads?
Anni: Fur lined.
Cronus: (nods) Very well. You may all live.
Daniel: (shakes his head) I don't think I want to know. And Dopey...
Martouf: Every time you resurrect me for your fics I'm humiliated. (whining)
Gemsong: Everyone should have a purpose in life. This is yours. Jay Jay is around somewhere, so she'll see you later and make it up to you.
Martouf: (doubtfully) Well.... Okay..
Daniel: And lastly Sneezy...
Anise: (coughing and hacking) What kind of flowers were those?!
Sam: Gemmy you didn't...
Gemsong: (innocent) What?

Anise sneezed. A sneeze of enough power and force, the tight leather didn't stand a chance.

Anise: AAAAHHH-CHOOOO!!!!!!

The auditorium was silent. You could have heard a pin drop. A lone cricket chirped nervously. The toes of Neo's little pixie boots curled up and he fell over stunned into unconsciousness.

Jsc: Oh.... My...

Skydiver: They can't be real...

Dave; [not the chicken] Those are real...

Kat comes quickly out on stage and throws a robe around Anise and escorts her off stage. There is another powerful sneeze that makes the scenery shiver in fear and something shatter backstage. Gemmy walks over to Daniel and levers his mouth closed with a tire jack.

Gemsong: Continue.
Daniel: Huh?
Gemsong: The script.
Daniel: Huh?
Gemsong: (gently turns his face back toward the script) Read, Daniel.
Daniel: So the 7 Tok'ra took in Samantha. Meanwhile, the evil queen heard that the princess was still alive.

Apophis: (offstage) Shol'va! You have betrayed me!
Teal'c: (offstage) What is new about this?
Daniel: ... and she plotted to kill our beloved heroine. So she dressed in the clothing of an old woman to trick Samantha into eating a poisoned apple.

A great deal of banging and thumping is heard off stage.

Apophis: (off stage) No!!! I refuse!!!
Anni: (off stage) Hold him down!
Apophis: (offstage) Unhand me!
Kat: (off stage) I got the super glue!
Apophis: (offstage) I will have you all killed!!!
Anni: (offstage) He's getting away! Grab him!!!

WHUMP!!!

Kat: (off stage) Thanks Teal'c.
Teal'c: (offstage) You are welcome, KatDonovan.

Apophis is shoved on stage by Teal'c, dressed in Kat's idea of "granny gear". A ratty gray wig has been glued to his head and face. A sackcloth bag has been tied on [tightly] with rope. A wave of snickers roll through the audience.

Gemsong: Daniel!!!
Daniel: Huh? (was in the middle of telling Peachy and Asmiley about his trip to some Mayan ruins.)
Gemsong: Would you mind terribly continuing with the narration? (tone promising whumping if he doesn't.)
Daniel: (flips through pages rapidly to catch up) Um... er... So... ummm... the 7 Tok'ra went off to annoy some system lords, leaving Samantha alone at the cottage.

The Tok'ra troop off stage with Jacob singing. Martouf and Aldwyn push the wheel barrel with the snoring Hathor.

Jacob: o/~ Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do... whatcha gonna do when they come for you ... o/~

Daniel: The evil stepmother drag.... Er... queen found the cottage.
Apophis: (hold out apple) Eat this!
Sam: Why?
Apophis: I command it!
Sam: And this means what to me?
Gemsong: Sam...
Sam: Sorry. (takes the apple and takes a bite) Hey, this is a pretty good apple.
Apophis: It is poisoned!
Gemsong: Actually I spiked it with brandy.
Sam: Pretty good.
Apophis: Muhahahahahahaha!
Skip: Oh the melodrama. Can I be sick now?
Gemsong: Sam?
Sam: Oh yeah... (puts a hand to her throat) Oh woe is me... (gracefully falls to the floor)
Apophis: Victory is mine! (stomps across the stage to the mirror) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is god and lord above all?
Kat: (behind mirror) You are a legend, that will last a lunchtime. Your godhood is intact, at least in your mind.
Gemsong: (smacks the distracted Daniel on the back of the head) Do you mind?
Daniel: Oowww.... So the 7 Tok'ra came home and found Samantha dead...
Neo: She's not dead!!! (Sam lifts her head and winks at Neo.)
Daniel: ... and unwilling to hide her beauty in an ugly box, they made a coffin glass.

Hathor is dumped out of wheel barrel [she doesn't wake. Those were good sleeping pills] and they gently pick up Sam and place her in it then cover her with a sheer veil.

Gemsong: What happened to the coffin?
Kat: Remember Anise's last sneeze?
Gemsong: Oh. Okay.

Gemmy goes of to the trussed up Jack, who's been noticeably silent through most of the fic for obvious reasons and whispers in his ear. His eyes light up and he nods enthusiastically.

Gemsong: Okay, untie him.

Teal'c cuts Jack loose. Jack gets up, rubs the circulation back into his arms and legs and heads backstage for his props.

Daniel: After many years, a handsome prince finally came to this part of the forest. And upon seeing the great beauty lying in state, could not resist her.

Jack comes back on stage wearing a black tank top and jungle green camouflage pants. He is also carrying a hockey stick. He walks over to Sam bends over and give her a kiss. Sam wakes up with a smile and pushes off the veil.

Daniel: Meanwhile, the evil queen still ruled King Hammond's lands with great cruelty, not to mention vanity.

Kat: (to Apophis) Hssst!
Apophis: (zoning out on plans of conquest, wakes up and goes to the mirror) Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is god and master of it all.
Kat: (behind mirror) You think you're a god, that much is Soooo true, but Samantha Carter is still Waaaay better than you.
Apophis: Inconceivable!
Kat: (bad Spanish accent) I don't think that means what you think that means.
Apophis: This time I will destroy her... (checks his script) And her little dog too!
Skydiver: The gratuitous Oz reference.
Daniel: Just as the evil queen appeared....

Gemsong: Cue the Mob!

Mob: (with great joy and enthusiasm) Apophis is a weenie! Apophis is a weenie!!
Apophis: (shaking his fist in rage at the Ascifi Mob) I will have you all killed!

Jack walks up behind Apophis and whacks him on the back of the head with the hockey stick. Hard enough to break it. The hockey stick that is. Apophis drops to the floor like steamed Chinese dumplings. The Mob cheers. Anni snorts in disgust.

Anni: If only the writers on the show hadn't made him a running joke. Gemmy would have abused and humiliated someone else.
Gemsong: (shrugs) The only reason Cronus agreed to play a dwarf was because I promised him you'd be here. I wasn't gonna push my luck.
Daniel: With the evil queen dead, Samantha and the handsome prince lived happily ever after. The End.

Jack: (doing a happy dance on stage) I didn't get whumped! I didn't get whumped! I didn't have to wear women's clothes or suspenders or anything humiliating!
Gemsong: Jack, don't forget the other half of our agreement.
Jack: For a whump free fic, I'll do ANYTHING for you!

Jack steps over the unconscious Apophis and leaps gracefully off the stage. He hauls Skip out of her chair, bends her backwards in his arms and plants a kiss on her. A kiss so intense, the rubber on the soles of her sneakers melt.

Mob: Oooooooo.....
Asmiley: Now that's what I call a kiss. (looks hopefully in Daniel's direction)
Peachy: He didn't get whumped or made to dress in women's clothing either.
Daniel: Uhhhh...
Kat: Except when Gemmy smacked him.
Gemsong: Well they do have a point, Daniel. I could always re-write the fic....

Daniel, wisely realized kissing adoring fans is preferable to what Gemsong might come up with after reading Skip's "Tree" fic. Of course, if you're going to do something, you should do it well. Naturally the remaining fans started drooling at the idea of kissing their own objects of desire. Gemsong distributed towels once it got started. The lines formed. Naturally Jsc was first in line for kissing Teal'c.

Bee: (waiting in the Daniel kissing line, noticing Jack and Skip still at it.) Are they going to come up for air?
Gemsong: (shrugs) She's going away for a week. Need to make it a lasting memory.
Kat: (in line with Bee) Where did Anni go?
Gemsong: Do you really have to ask? (noting that Cronus has also disappeared)
Kat: Guess not.

Gemsong smiled and jotted a note on her own script.

THE REAL END