Cost of the Stars

By Gemsong

Warnings: Angsty

Summary: Jack thinks about the direction his life has taken

Spoilers: Through season eight and then I made it up.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Duh.

*****

Major General Jonathan “Jack” O’Neill stood in his Washington D.C. office and looked out the window. Spring had come to the nation’s capital, the air filled with the scent of cherry blossoms. It was evening, the lights of the city brilliant. Above them scattered on a sky of velvet were the stars, dim against the city lights, but still there.

o/` The stars are very beautiful, above the palace walls,
They shine with equal splendor, still above far humbler halls.
I watch them from my window, but their bright entrancing glow,
Reminds me of the freedom I gave up so long ago. o/`

Jack turned away from the window. The view of the city gave him little comfort these days. The long years since he left the SGC to work on Homeworld security was a difficult challenge and left him feeling empty. The music he heard came from the office of his secretary who seemed to like something called Filk Music. The current song seemed to fit his mood.

o/`The royal circlet of bright gold rests lightly on my brow,
I once thought only of the rights this circlet would endow.
But once I took the crown to which I had been schooled and bred,
I found it heavy on the heart, though light upon the head. o/~

He shrugged off his blue jacket and hung it on the back of his chair. The two stars on each shoulder caught his attention and his mouth tightened unconsciously. With each star came responsibility. He could do the job. There was no doubt in that. But lately it was giving me little satisfaction.

o/`Although I am the head of state, in truth I am the least,
The true Queen knows her people fed, before she sits to feast.
The good Queen knows her people safe, before she takes her rest,
Thinks twice and thrice and yet again, before she makes request. o/`

So much of his job now entailed detail. Things that seemed so small but impacted the lives of so many. He had to think long and hard before he signed off on anything, after reading it through several times to make sure he understood it perfectly. Even the so-called perks of his job required careful thought before he made a request.

o/`For they are all my children, all, that I swore to defend,
It is my duty to become both Queen and trusted friend—
And of my children high and low, from beggar to above,
The dearest are my Heralds, who return my care with love. o/`

Jack slowly sat down behind his desk. The quantity of folders in his inbox never seemed to decrease. Each day it became harder and hard to face. He looked at the single picture on the corner of his desk. His team. Though technically they were no longer *his* team. SG-1 was commanded by Col Mitchell. As he had replaced Hammond as the commander of Stargate, now Landry replaced him. Yet, inside where it counted, deep inside where no one could see, SG-1 would always be *his* team.

o/`The dearest are my Heralds, swift to spring to my command.
Who give me aid and fellowship, who always understand
That land and people first have needs that I may not deny—
So I must send my dearest friends to danger—and to die. o/`

He picked up the picture looking at the smiling faces staring back at him. How many times did they obey his orders without question? How many times did they back him purely based on trust? It was harder when he was General. He sent them out into danger. How many times did he wonder if he would ever see them come back through the gate alive?

o/` A friend, a love, a child—it matters not, I know indeed,
That I must sacrifice them all if there should be the need.
They know, and they forgive me—doing more than I require,
With willing minds and loving hearts go straight to grasp the fire. o/`

They all meant more to Jack than he ever expressed. Yet, somehow they knew. In their bond, there was a connection that couldn’t be ignored. He closed his eyes for a long moment, hoping they had understood. He never thought of them as mindless drones to be thrown at the enemy as so much cannon fodder.

o/`These tears that burn my eyes are all the tears the Queen can't shed,
The tears I weep in silence as I mourn my Heralds dead.
Oh gods that dwell beyond the stars, if you can hear my cry—
And if you have compassion—let me send no more to die! o/`

The phone rang and Jack picked it up. “O’Neill,” he said. Then his face creased into a smile at the familiar voice on the other end. Daniel had discovered something and wanted to share it with Jack. As he listened to the long drawn out babblings of his friend, Jack relaxed. Separated by miles or worlds, he knew he was still a part of them. And that would never change.

The End

"The Cost of the Crown"
Lyrics written by Mercedes Lackey, music composed by Shandeen.