ONE WHUMP TOO MANY

by Gemsong

Season: N/A
Spoilers: N/A
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1, the characters et. al. are not mine. They would have more fun if they were.
Summary: A different look on how fanfic writers portray Daniel and Jack in those H/C moments we all love.

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The cage was of cold iron bars. And the air was just as cold with a damp uncomfortable chill. The cold seeped past his delicate skin to burrow into the marrow of his bones. He had been here so long he had lost track of time. He looked up through tear swollen eyes to the other side of the room where his captor sat at a desk working steadily.

Fear had left him trembling. Fear of what had happened. Fear of the torments yet to come. Fear consumed him. Terror controlled him.

(Sam shook her head. Teal'c was puzzled.

"I do not understand the purpose of this setting, Major Carter," the jaffa said with a lifted eyebrow.

"Neither do I," Sam replied. "This is just plain sad.")

His fists pressed tightly to his mouth to hold back the whimper of fear that wanted to slip out. New tears hung trembling on long fragile eyelashes. His captor looked in his direction with a smile and he trembled anew, his slender body vibrating with tremors of terror.

His captor rose and walked over to the cage. A deep throaty chuckle of pure malice oozed from her throat as she leaned forward to look at him.

"The mighty brought down," she purred with menace.

"Why are you doing this?" he whimpered in a terrified voice.

"There are some challenges even I can't resist, Jack," she cooed evilly. Then the fic writer returned to her desk as a frightened sob was choked out by her victim.

("I'm going to be sick," Sam said making a face.

"I believe my symbiote just was," Teal'c said both hands over his pouch.

"Eeeeewwwww...." Sam said greenly.)

Suddenly there was a loud crash as the door burst open. Daniel Jackson strode into the room, the muscle shirt stretched over bulging muscles as each arm cradled a sub machine gun. A bandoleer of ammo hung over each mighty shoulder ready for use.

"Oh Daniel!" Jack cried clutching the bars of the cage with shaking hands.

"Curses," the villienous fanfic writer cried.

"Don't worry Jack, I'll save you," Daniel said with masculine assurance.

Jack whimpered in relief. Daniel would save him.

Daniel adjusted his weapons and muscles and glared at the evil fanfic writer. "All right, you naughty thing you," he said. "Let him go."

"Never!" cried the bad fanfic writer. "I am the queen of whumping. I am an artist! And he is my greatest achievement!"

Daniel snorted heroically.

(Sam threw up. Teal'c groaned.)

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way," Daniel said with stoic machismo.

"What's the hard way?" the cruel fic writer asked.

"I lecture for three hours on ancient egyption culture." Daniel replied with manly determination.

"And the easy way?"

"I shoot you."

The fanfic writer thought carefully. Since she was a coward and couldn't handle any level of torture, she made her choice. "I'll take the easy way," she said.

"Okay."

"Bangity Bangity Bang!" said the guns that Daniel's mighty arms wielded.

"Oh agony!" the ficwriter cried dying melodramatically and twitching for a good 20 minutes.

Meanwhile Daniel ripped off the cage door with a strong jerk bending the metal. He took Jack's trembling body into his arms with a strong yet gentle embrace."

"You saved me," Jack whimpered, clinging to Daniel's solid strength.

"Of course," Daniel rumbled gently. "We never leave our own behind."

(Sam and Teal'c had had enough. Sam grabbed Gemsong's laptop and threw it out the car window. Teal'c shot it with a staff weapon.)

The very naughty fic writer twitched.

(c) 2001 rma