STARGATE SG-1: EPISODE 38

THE RETURN OF THE ASCIFI MOB
by Gemsong

Season: Whenever
Spoilers: You name it, I'll spoil it.
Disclaimer: Stargate and all it's properties and characters don't belong to me. So clearly my lawyers suck. The Ascifi Mob is a public entity shared by any loony who think they can write. Membership is subject to change but their status as cannon fodder doesn't.
Dedication: Remember, you suckers volunteered for this fic. You have no one to blame but yourselves.

============

Part 38

*** Level 28 ***

Skydiver looked up from her dusting of control consoles. "Gemmy?" she said.

"Hummm?" came the response.

"What happened to parts 1 through 37?"

"I deleted them."

"Why?"

"They were pages and pages of graphic debauchery and lewd behavior," Gemsong replied coming out from under another console. "If Padder found out I posted it to a G-Rated site, not only would he ban me, he'd take away my spawn queen green card."

"Okay, I see your point." Skydiver said.

*** Level 20 ***

The small group of fans followed the tour guide, their eyes wide with vapid adoration and glee.

"Welcome to the Ascifi Command," Summershake said with a bright cheerful smile and a bad blond wig.

"Ooooooo," said the new fans.

"This is where the leaders of the Ascifi mob plan their visits to Stargate Command and visit with their objects of desire."

"Oooooo.... " said the new fans.

"We're walking.... we're walking," Summershake said gesturing with artificially induced cheerfulness.

Suddenly there was a shout. "COME BACK here!!!"

There was the sound of pounding feet. A moment later Harry Maybourne came racing around a corner and down pass the awestruck fans. In hot pursuit was Sandman brandishing shaving gear.

"Oh look! It's Harry Maybourne! You've been honored," Summershake said with sugary sweetness.

"Oooooo..." said the new fans.

"We're walking... we're walking..." Summershake chirped cheerfully.

*** Level 26 ***

Rowan and Anni watched the monitor. They observed Summershake leading the awestruck fans through the upper levels.

"It wasn't nice to drug her," Rowan said conversationally.

Anni shrugged. "It was the only way to get her to do it," she said.

"I think you gave her too much," Rowan replied.

Anni made a face. "Well maybe," she conceded. "If she were anymore cheerful, we'd have to kill her."

"We're short on personnel," Rowan said. "Until we get more fans we're stuck doing extra shifts."

"Lovely," Anni grumbled. "Cronus is complaining."

*** Level 24 ****

"We're walking... we're walking..." Summershake said joyfully.

Hatshepsut had stopped "oooing" by the time they reached Level 21. She was considering mayhem. She glanced around but Gategeek had already disappeared. She would have to do the mayhem on their guide herself.

Meanwhile Gategeek had slipped down the corridor and found Sandman shaving Maybourne. She had him strapped down and he was struggling a bit. It was hard to shave the beard off from around the tape she had over his mouth to keep him from screaming for help.

"Need any help?" Gategeek asked with a hopeful grin.

Sandman looked up and smiled. "Yeah, hold his head still," she said.

Gategeek happily put Harry in a headlock. "Why the tape?"

"To keep him from yelling for help," Sandman said.

"Who'd help him?" Gategeek asked puzzled.

"Jack's been known to on occasion return the favor," Sandman said as she finished up.

"What about the hair under the tape?" Gategeek asked.

"No problem," Sandman said cheerfully. She yanked off the strip of duct tape.

"YEARGH!!!!!"

*** Level 26 ***

"Ow... that had to hurt," Rowan said.

"It could have been worse," Anni said.

"How?"

"She could have done a bikini wax on him," Anni replied with evil menacing smile worthy of a true villain.

Part 39

*** Level 27 ***

Skydiver stared up at the strange alien device in confusion. It was about half the size of a stargate and made out of a shiny purple metal that shimmered and glowed.

"Okay.... what is it?" she asked.

Gemsong smiled with smug satisfaction. "It's an Alternate Reality Person Snatching Grabulator," she said with a little glee. "I just call it an ARPSG."

"Okay.... where did you get it?"

"We built it."

"Okay.... why?"

"Simple," Gemsong replied. "We have more fans than characters to go around. I mean, while we have the cloning machine at the N.I.D., Inc. facility and the clones are wonderful and we can manipulate them into being what we want. It's just not as good as the original."

"Ahhh...." Skydiver said curious to the level of perversity the fic would sink.

At that moment RDA came out from behind the machine packing up his tools. "There you go babe," he said. "Ready for the first test run."

"Thanks honey," Gemsong said sweetly to her husband. "Dr. Fraiser is waiting for you."

RDA's face lit up with glee as he and his broken foot hobbled out hurriedly.

"And leave your pants on!" Gemsong yelled. "She only needs to check your foot."

"But she might need to give me a shot!" he yelled back as he disappeared down the corridor.

Gemsong shook her head. "That man is so twisted."

"Yeah, and you married him," Skydiver said.

"Shut up."

*** Level 25 ***

"We're walking... we're walking..." Summershake chirped like a happy bird.

"Oooooo.... " said the fans in awe.

"Grrrr....." said Hatshepsut in disgust.

"And this is the canteen where all the members of the Ascifi Mob can eat whatever they want without gaining an ounce," Summershake gushed cheerfully.

"Ooooo...." said the fans in awe.

"Yeah right," Hatshepsut said.

"Hssst! Over here! Quickly!" whispered a voice from a darkened corner.

Hatshepsut drew away from the fan group and went over toward the corner. Suddenly a hand reached out and pulled her close....

.... just as the pie fight started in earnest.

"WWHHHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" howled Urgo gleefully. "Pizza Pie!!!!"

"We're walking.... we're walking...." Summershake said with a piece of mozzarella hanging off the end of her nose.

"Thanks... that was close," Hatshepsut said in relief. Then she looked at her rescuers who's strong arms held her with such assurance. "Oooooo...." she said in abject adoration and awe.

It was Daniel wearing the sleeveless shirt from Beneath The Surface that showed off those stud muscles of his arms.

*** Level 26 ***

"Why did you send him?" Rowan asked.

"She was about to use that baseball bat on Summer," Anni replied smugly. "We needed an effective distraction.

"Summer's not going to be happy," Rowan replied.

"Don't worry, I have something special in mind for Summer," Anni said with a low throaty chuckle she'd been practicing for evil effect.

"Will you stop doing that?" Rowan said.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Gemmy did some gardening and hurt her back this morning," Anni replied. "So she's feeling cranky and taking it out on us."

"Well that sucks," Rowan said.

"Yah think?" Anni said.

"What will she do next?" Rowan asked.

"Dunno..." Anni replied. "There are several Mob members she hasn't mentioned yet. And she has plans for them. Including one who commented on this list who's character preference she doesn't know."

"Arc-Angel?"

"Yup."

"The poor thing...."

Part 40

*** Level 27 ***

Annette and Highlander II were busy inputting the list of episodes for Grabulating. Five seasons by 22 episodes was a lot of choices. The real problem when the same person had the same favorite as someone else. They had already had success with the first test run. The BTS-0 Daniel had come through without a problem. Convincing him his name was really Daniel Jackson had been the problem. They ended up turning him over to Peachy to convince. Nobody wanted to speculate how she convinced him.

Then Anni, the evil thing, had sent him to Hatshepsut to distract her from beating up Summershake. Peachy was a little miffed about that. Revenge was being plotted.

Meanwhile... someone more evil than anyone could imagine was already plotting horrifying torments for our stalwart fans.

*** Level 25 ***

"Ooooo..." said the new fans in awe.

"We're not walking... we're not walking...." Arc-Angel said with interest.

"Do you think she's dead?" Sammy ONeil asked curiously.

"Nah... just unconscious," Arc-Angel replied.

"Ooooo... " said the new fans in awe.

"Yeah... that much cheerfulness can be bad for you," Arc-Angel said sagely.

"Ooooo... " said the new fans.

"So what do we do now?" Sammy asked.

Arc-Angel got an evil smile. "We explore..."

Summershake lay unconscious while Arc-Angel and Sammy split. The remaining fans stood around staring down at her in awe.

"Awwwww...." said the new fans.

(I said awe. A-W-E.)

"Ooooo... " said the new fans.

(That's better... )

*** Level 26 ***

"Well that's a problem," Anni said watching the monitor.

"We better send some help," Rowan said.

"Yeah yeah yeah..." Anni muttered. She was evilly enjoying the show. She picked up the phone. "Hey Peachy, you there?"

"I'm here," Peachy said from the Level 28 dressing room. "I'm dressing Daniels."

Rowan and Anni exchanged a look. "Don't ask," Anni said.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Rowan said.

"Anyway, Summer's lost it," Anni said. "Could you send a Daniel up to retrieve her and to take care of the tour group?"

"Sure," Peachy said. "I'll send the *Enemies* Daniel to rescue her."

"Cool, thanks," Anni said and hung up. "That particular Daniel went up against replicators. He should be able to handle the fans and get Summer out of there."

"You hope..." Rowan muttered.

*** Level 27 ***

KER-WOOOSHIE! said the ARPSG.

A figure stepped through the shimmery surface.

"Who are you and what place is this!" Ba'al demanded.

"Uh oh... that's not Cronus..."

"Oh crap..." Highlander muttered.

"Mommy...." Annette whimpered.

Highlander picked up the phone. "Anni.... we need you in the ARPSG room... NOW!!!!!!"

Part 41

*** Level 28 - Embarkation Room ***

Often the hanger than contained the stargate was a hive of activity. But every once and a while there would be those quiet time with practically no one around. In the background was the faint hum of equipment in standby mood. For once there was no one in the control room. Usually if there were enough fans around there would be someone on duty in case of emergency activations. But Sandman who was on shift was taking a potty break. And she had asked Gategeek to see if she could convince Harry Maybourne to come out of the closet he was hiding in.

The doors of the gateroom opened and Arc-Angel and Sammy Oneill entered the room.

"Oooo.... " said Sammy in awe.

Arc-angel winced remembering the tour. "Don't do that." she said.

"But that's a stargate," Sammy said. "A real stargate. Where did they get a stargate. How many stargates are there on earth anyway?"

"Lessee...." Arc-Angel said thoughtfully. "There's the one in the SGC. Then there's the one in Russia. Then there's the one that guy made in Ascension for Sam... Well four I guess, including this one."

"Oooo..." Sammy said in awe.

"Quit doing that."

"I can't help it," Sammy said cheerfully.

"Try..."

Then Sammy pointed to the wall beneath the control room window. "I wonder what that means," she said.

Arc-Angel turned away from the gate to look at the wall. In huge bold letters of blood red that were still wet a message had been written. *KILLROY WAS HERE*.

*** Level 26 - Conference Room ***

All the Ascifi Mob staffers sat around the table. Most wished they were elsewhere. Gemsong stood at the head of the table looking grumpy. PMS was a pain.

"Who put her in charge?" Rowan whispered to Skydiver.

"It's her fic," Skydiver whispered back.

Rowan nodded. It was too dangerous to do otherwise.

"Where's Anni?" Gemsong asked.

Highlander raised her hand. "You see Ba'al came through the ARPSG and Anni is the only one qualified to deal with that sort of situation..."

"When we left she was informing him of the finer points of kneepads," Annette piped in.

"Fur lined ones..." Highlander said.

"Nevermind," Gemsong replied. "We don't need to know the details."

She looked around the table and pinned them all with a hard look. "Someone defaced the gate room," she said.

There was a chorus of "Not me" and "I didn't do it"s. Gemsong looked at Sandman.

"I had to go to the bathroom!" she protested.

Gemsong looked at Rowan.

"Uh... After Anni left, Davis came in to help me with the surveillance cameras and...." she trailed off.

Gategeek squirmed under Gemsong's gaze. "I was trying to get Harry to come out of the closet," then realizing how that sounded. "I mean.... uh...."

Gemsong rolled her eyes and looked at Hatshepsut.

"I was with BTS Daniel," she said with a vapid dreamy smile.

Peachy was next. "I was making sure the Daniel's were properly attired," she said. "I take my duties very seriously."

"I just bet you do," Gemsong said. "Summershake?"

"I was drugged and it's all Anni and Rowan's fault," she grumbled. At least E Daniel rescued her. Now there were a room full of ooooing fans in isolation.

"I was cooking with Teal'c," Skydiver said.

"You cook?" Peachy asked.

"I didn't say food," Skydiver leered back.

"I was helping Hammond with the quarterly reports," Annette said.

"They're still a month behind," Gemsong said.

"Okay, so we got distracted," Annette replied with a grin.

Gemsong then looked at Arc-Angel and Sammy Oneill.

"It was like that when we got there," Arc-Angel protested.

"Yeah, what she said," Sammy added.

Gemsong ground her teeth in frustration. "All right ladies, I'm low on estrogen and I have a zat gun," she snarled. "I want the person responsible found. Am I absolutely perfectly crystal clear?"

"Yes ma'am!" came the response.

"Dismissed!"

The Mob fled the wrath of Gemsong.

Part 42

*** Level 26 ***

The quiet was an illusion. It was the calm before the storm. A pause before the next bout of mayhem. A stutter in the timeline. (The prankster chortled.)

Sandman, Gategeek and Highlander were innocently walking down the corridor. Discussing the latest incident.

"I've never seen her so mad," Sandman said.

"So the sparks flying out of her hair wasn't normal?" Gategeek asked since she didn't know Gemsong that well.

Highlander shook her head. "Nope," she said. "I mean she's been mad enough to set off the sprinklers... and there was that time with the defective Apophis clones.... but the sparks are new."

"You'd think with her reputation, anyone in their right mind would never consider short sheeting Gemsong's bed," Sandman said.

"Sounds suicidal to me," Gategeek said.

"I'd just like to know how they got past WOO Jack who was taking a nap at the time," Highlander wondered.

"By the way, has anyone seen Harry?" Sandman asked.

"Yeah," Gategeek grumped. "He's hiding the closet in Gemmy's office."

The other two winced. There was no way to get to him without having to go past Gemsong. And it simply wasn't worth it. She kept a zat gun on her desk.

WHUMP! Sandman stood rubbing her head as she watched the roll of toilet paper continue rolling across the floor after bouncing off her head.

"What tha-..." she said bemused. Not really hurt, just surprised.

"Come on," said a familiar voice from down the hall. "At least throw it back. I almost scored with that shot."

Sandman, Gategeek and Highlander looked up to see three Jacks wearing boyish grins. And they had nice little initials on their jackets so you could tell which one was which.

(N)ox Jack grinned. "You only score if it went between them," she said.

(C)hildren (O)f (T)he (G)ods Jack pouted. "Two out of three?"

(T)hor's (H)ammer Jack noticed the wide GRINS that appeared on the three ladies faces. "Uh... campers... I think we're in trouble..." he said.

The other Jacks looked up. "RUN!!!!" (N) Jack shouted and the three SG-1 commanders fled.

Sandman, Gategeek and Highlander were in hot pursuit. And yes. They were caught.

*** Level 20 ***

Rowan and Anni were not happy. But they didn't dare protest. Summershake wouldn't deal with the newbie fans anymore and Gemsong had ordered no more drugging. So Rowan and Anni had to figure out what to do with them.

"We're walking... we're walking..." Rowan muttered.

"You're going the right way to a smacked bottom," Anni growled.

"Sorry," Rowan said with a sigh. "So what do we do with them?"

Anni shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "We have to keep them occupied and out of trouble. And out of isolation."

Suddenly a light bulb exploded over Rowan's head. "I've got it?"

Anni brushed off glass shards. "Got what?"

"You'll see," Rowan said and opened the door to the isolation room.

The new fans looked up at Rowan and Anni as they entered the room. "Ooooo..." said the new fans. After all, these were official Ascifi Mob Fan Officers.

"So do all of you want to be official Ascifi Mobfic members?" Rowan asked brightly.

A dozen heads nodded. (You know like that little dog with the bobbing head some people have the back of their cars?)

"Well there are several important steps you must complete before you do so," Rowan said. The newbie fans perched anxiously on the edge of their seats.

Anni looked at Rowan. There were really only two requirements. Following Padders rules and putting up with Gemsong's whacked out sense of humor.

"You'll all be returned to the surface shortly," Rowan continued. "You must gather the following four items as part of your initiation fee. Most of us had to do this, so this is perfectly normal."

One fan, slightly brighter than a dull pair of scissors spoke. "What things?" she asked.

"One gallon of prop wash," Rowan said with a very serious expression. "One can of K-9-P. Three yards of flightline and the keys to an F-15 aircraft."

Anni kept a straight face with effort. Then she and Rowan dived out of the way while the newbie fans roared out of the room and off on their scavenger hunt.

"That should keep them busy," Anni said with a snicker.

"Ya think?" Rowan said smugly.

*** Level 28 ***

"Peachy please... give it up," Hatshepsut was saying.

"Don't be ridiculous," Peachy said with a wide grin. "I take my job very seriously. All Daniels MUST be properly attired."

"But the ascended Daniel doesn't wear clothes.." Hatshepsut said trying to be reasonable.

"That is not a problem," Peachy said and GRINNED.

*** Level 29 ***

There was the sound of sobbing. Painful kicked puppy whimpers. Wails of agony. Choked hiccoughs of pain.

Jonas found the "I hate Quinn" thread on the fan lists.

Part 43

*** Level 28 ***

Calm reigned with a gentle touch. Peace slid through the corridors on velvet feet. Serenity scented the atmosphere with a soothing fragrance. Then they were shattered by a roar of rage. Staffers cringed and looked for places to hide. Until a realization was made. It wasn't the roar of Gemsong on the warpath. Storming through the corridors with sparks coming from her hair and flames shooting out her nostrils was Anni. And she was in rare form. Ascifi Mob staffers stood frozen in shock as they watched her go by.

She reached Gemsong's office and slammed the door open with such force the glass shattered and the wood whimpered. Gemsong looked up over the top of her glasses. Anni on the warpath was not a pretty sight.

"I'll make the wild guess that something is wrong," she said calmly.

"BROWNIES!!!" Anni roared.

"Put the hand device away, Anni," Gemsong said locking eyes with other woman.

Anni took a deep breath and the hand device stopped glowing. "Brownies!" she snarled.

"Care to explain since I doubt you're talking about the pixie infestation we had last week," she said.

Anni took another calming breath. "While I was on duty someone sent a package to my suite to my boys. In it were brownies and a note that welcomed them to the mountain."

"And?"

"They had laxatives in them."

"Oh."

"It was a five pound box!"

"Ah."

"They ate it all!!!!"

"Ow," Gemsong winced.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to deal with two system lords with Diarrhea!!!!" Anni roared.

Gemsong didn't particularly want to use her imagination on that image. "The Prankster has struck again," she said.

"YA THINK!?!?!" Anni screamed at a volume that made the potted fern shrivel.

She sighed. "We've searched the base from top to bottom already," Gemsong said. "We'll do another search. Whoever is responsible will be found. In the meantime, I'll send a couple of Anises down to clean up after Ba'al and Cronus. I've been looking for something to give that leather Barbie to do."

Anni calmed down and looked a touch mollified. "Thanks, she said.

*** Level 28 ***

Peachy was starting her shift in Daniel dressing. Not that any of the Daniel's needed dressing. She just wanted an excuse to play with them.

As she opened the door the bucket precariously balanced and the top tipped over and drenched her in freezing cold strawberry kiwi soda.

Her scream of rage made the shattered pieces of serenity break into smaller pieces.

*** Level 22 ***

"Thank you Skydiver," Threshold Teal'c was saying. "As always your company is most pleasant."

"Any time," Skydiver said cheerfully.

As he turned away to leave the room Skydiver noticed the white lettering on back of the black teashirt that hugged his muscular body.

"Jaffa are Wussie Boys"

** Level 22 ***

Annette was taking a much needed nap since she pulled a double shift with Hammond as they got caught up on reports. She wasn't aware that someone had carefully placed a bucket of warm water next to her bed. Nor was she aware when someone slowly lifted her hand and gently placed it in the water.

The results came to light when Hammond woke her an hour later holding his nose.

*** Level 28 ***

Gemsong had gone past the sparks flying from her hair routine. She was now up to flames from her ears and smoke curling from her nose. The complaints from staffers about the practical jokes had risen to unbelievable levels.

The latest was Highlander waking up with shaving cream in her ear. She had smacked herself so hard, Fraiser thought she had a concussion.

Gemsong ordered a squad of SF to sweep the base and shoot anyone who wasn't where they were supposed to be. Unfortunately there was a delay as they all had to get their shoelaces unknotted where they had been tied together. That hadn't been pretty.

*** Level 29 (Elevator) ***

"Come on Jonas, cheer up," Martouf said awkwardly patting his shoulder. "At least you're alive."

Quinn sniffled pathetically. "Yeah but you don't have to deal with McKay," he said. "He found the 'Kill McKay in Horrible Ways' list and he's sending emails to it."

Narim looked confused. "Why is he sending emails?"

"He's explaining why some of the suggestions are against the law of physics," Quinn said blowing his nose.

Martouf and Narim shook their heads sadly. McKay would learn. Nothing was impossible in fan fic.

Part 44

*** Level 28 - Gemsong's Office ***

Gemsong was playing with the zat gun she kept on her desk. It made those gathered a little nervous. She was not a happy woman. Then again, neither were the rest of them. Rowan was standing leaning against the closet door. There was banging and thumping coming from it.

Originally Harry Maybourne had been hiding in it. However, Gategeek, sneaking into Gemsong's office while she was out, coaxed him out and they were now in the surveillance room. It was anyone's guess what kind of surveillance. Who knew what dirty little tricks he might teach her.

The current occupant was Charlie Kowalski. Under normal circumstances Rowan wouldn't mind spending quality time with him, but due to a glitch, it was the Kowalski from Children of the Gods after he was possessed, not before as requested. The thumping and yelling from the closet was a little distracting.

"Why do they always end up in my closet?" Gemsong complained.

"Because it's the only door that's unbreakable here," Rowan said reasonably. "And with the SF's are too busy sweeping the base to put him under arrest."

"Okay," Gemsong replied. "And who's idea was it to give them brooms?"

Nobody responded. Especially the guilty one.

Gemsong sighed. It sucked being in command. You hardly ever get to do any of the really fun stuff. "Ladies, the situation is getting serious," she said. "The Prankster, who ever he or she is, is still roaming around causing mayhem. It may be only a matter of time before someone gets hurt. Does anyone have any ideas?"

Her question was met with more silence. Of course if anyone had the answer, then they'd be the one writing the fic.

Skydiver picked up her script and scanned through it. "Maybe if we figure out who hasn't been pranked, we can catch them in the act," she said.

Annette looked through her own script. "Except just about everyone has been pranked in some manner. And how do we know it's only one person?"

"Because on another list it's implied as one person who appeared in a previous mobfic," Sandman said. "Which of course leaves it far too open."

"What's with the scripts?" Hatshepsut asked.

"They're moderators," Gemsong said. "They always get scripts. Sometime I let them read ahead, but not this time."

"That's mean," Hatshepsut said.

"I'm PMSing," Gemsong growled fingering her zat gun. "Live with it."

"She PMSes a lot," Hatshepsut whispered.

"SHHHHH!" replied Sandman.

*** Elevator ***

"This is strange," Sammy said.

"What's strange?" Arc-Angel asked.

"I thought there were only 28 levels to the mountain," Sammy said.

"There are."

"Then why are there buttons for levels 29 through 32?" Sammy asked pointing to the control panel.

Arc-Angel grinned cheerfully. She hadn't had too much fun yet, so now was the time. "Let's find out!" she said and hit all the buttons.

After a moment's ride the elevator stopped and the door opened. In stepped the occasionally seen Lt. Simmons who recently appeared in the 6th season.

"What are you two doing here?" he asked.

"We wanted to see what on these levels," Sammy said.

"Access is normally restricted," Simmons said.

"So what's down here?" Arc-Angel asked.

"Level 29 is for new or only occasionally seen characters," Simmons replied.

"Ooooo..." Sammy said

"Quit that," Arc-Angel snarled. "And the others?" she asked Simmons.

"Level 30 is for dead occasional characters that some people kinda liked. And Level 31 is for dead characters nobody will miss."

"What about Level 32?" Sammy asked.

Simmons shuddered. "No one goes there," he said fearfully.

"Why?" Arch-Angel asked.

"No one knows, but they say it's really bad down there," Simmons replied. "So don't go there."

"Thanks for your help," Arc Angel said.

"You're welcome," Simmons said and the door closed.

"So what do we do now?" Sammy asked.

Arc-Angel smiled and pressed the button for level 32.

Part 45

*** Level 32 ***

Arc-Angel and Sammy O'Neil stepped out of the elevator. It was cold and damp and the air smelt strange. The lighting was dim and green and gave everything an eerie look.

Sammy shivered uneasily. "Is this really a good idea?" she asked.

Arc-Angel shrugged. "How else are we going to find out what's down here?" she said. "Aren't you curious?"

"Yeah," Sammy said. "But this place gives me the eepie creepies."

Arc-Angel nodded in response. This place made her skin crawl as well.

Slowly they made their way down the corridor. There were dripping sounds they couldn't find the source of. Faint moans that made the hair on the back of their necks rise in fear. Then there was a sound that made them jump. The haunted house sound effect tape had a skip in it.

"I think Gemsong is a really sick puppy," Sammy whispered.

"I agree, but don't say it aloud," Arc-Angel cautioned softly.

"Why not?" Sammy asked. "She's not down here."

"Yeah, but she's writing the fic, so she knows all and hears all," Arc-Angel said. "She has nasty ways of whumping."

"Well then she shouldn't have wrote me saying that," Sammy pouted. "I never did anything to her."

"You volunteered for the fic," Arc-Angel replied. "We're all under her control."

"Well that sucks."

MUHAHAHAHAHAH! echoed down the corridor scaring them.

"What was that!" Sammy cried.

Suddenly at the end of the corridor a man appeared. He was dressed in golden robes that complimented his Adonis-like appearance.

"Oooooo..." Sammy said in awe. Arc-Angel was to shocked to tell her not to do that.

Then his eyes glowed predictably. "I am Lord Hapi," he intoned in his professional masculine voice. "Kneel before your one true god."

Sammy and Arc-Angel shrieked and ran back the way they came as fast as their fictionalized feet could take them. They came to an abrupt stop and bounced. Fortunately it was two Jack clones from the N.I.D.,Inc department. Specifically from the Tinman episode.

After calming them down in the appropriate manner (do I really have to explain that?) and getting the story from them, the two Jack escorted the two women to the elevator.

"We'll handle this," one of the (T) Jack's said. "You go get help."

Sammy and Arc-Angel stood by the elevator as the two Jack did the special ops finger pointing at each other then hurried down the corridor. They waited silently. After all the Tinman Jacks were pretty tough guys.

Suddenly there was a loud noise and the girls jumped. It was followed by the sound of metal being crunched, or tinfoil being crumpled. Take your pick. Arc-Angel and Sammy fled into the elevator.

*** Level 28 ***

It took four Jacks from various episodes to calm Sammy and Arc-Angel down again. Although how much calming they really needed was anyone's guess. Any Jackaholic would take any advantage of this kind of situation.

"And then he crunched the Tinman Jack clones!!!" wailed Sammy.

All the rest of the staff was on hand. Gemsong paced at the head of the conference table. Then glared at the moderators.

"All right," Gemsong said. "We're going down there to take him out. He's probably the one responsible for all these nasty practical jokes."

Skydiver looked at her script. "According to this, it's revenge for the happy ending in your first mobfic," she said.

"This sucks," Rowan said. "Most of us weren't even in that fic."

"What kind of Goa'uld would call himself Hapi?" Anni asked.

Peachy quickly clamped a hand over her Daniel's mouth before he could give the long winded explanation that there really was an egyptian god named Hapi.

"All right, Skydiver, start reading," Gemsong said.

"Why me?" Skydiver protested. "I did it last time. Make Annette do it. She's a super mod."

"All right, Annette then," Gemsong said.

"Wait! Highlander's got purple aliens too!" Annette protested.

Gemsong glared.

Annette grumped but opened her script. "The mob, well armed with zat guns, staff weapons and cream pies trooped down to level 32 where the prankster goa'uld laired with his mind controlled slaves."

The Ficmob followed directions as the walked down the creepy corridor until they entered a large storage room which had been refitted, garishly, I might add, into the throne room of Hapi.

Standing beside him with a blank expressions was KatDonovan and Bee making a gratuitous cameo appearances in this fic.

"All right Hapi," it's all over," Gemsong stated doing a rather nice imitation of Jack.

"It has only just begun," Hapi replied.

"With pompous grandeur," Annette said reading from the script.

"No this is finished," snarled Gemsong.

"With angry hauteur," read Annette. Gemsong glared at her. "Oh... sorry."

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"Begun!" roared Hapi.

"Finished!" shouted Gemsong.

"ANNETTE!!!" yelled Skydiver.

Annette shook her head, dazed from being caught up in a copy and paste loop. "Uh...." flipping through the script. "Then the fic mob showed the goa'uld what they consider a good time," Annette read. "So just as Hapi raise his color coordinated hand device..."

Staff and zat blasts slammed into the goa'uld before he could get up his shield. Kat and Bee of course were only hit with pies.

(Note that they do get cleaned up later with the character of their choice in the method of their choice. Nuff said.)

Hapi lay on the floor dying with melodramatic grandeur. No mere 20 minute twitch for him. The Fic Mob stood over him to hear his final words.

"I think the red shirt was a bad fashion choice today." CROAK.

Annette read the last page of the script. "And they all lived happily ever after with the character of their choice doing things that can't be posted on lists."

Gemsong grinned. "The End."

Epilogue

In another part of Level 32, the plot bunny chuckled. For this was it's home.

(c) 2001 rma