Toddling Along: Bored
By
Gemsong

I'm bored. And my feet hurt. Is it my fault I've got big feet? Kids grow you know. Not that I'm a kid, mind you. Just in the body of one. And as soon as Carter and Janet figure out how to reverse this, there is going to be some serious payback. If one more person tells me how cute and adorable I am, I'm gonna start gnawing kneecaps. And don't think I can't reach that high.

I'm bored. I've already had a nap so I'm doubly bored. Daniel's still asleep. He dozed off on the couch. I sit on the floor to take off these stupid shoes. Carter and Fraizer thought they were soooooo cute. They are soooooo not cute. They light up when I walk. You can't be stealthy with light up shoes. They pinch my toes.

Thud. There's one.

Thud. There's the other.

Daniel's still sleeping. He looks so peaceful. So innocent. A perfect target. He's sleeping with his mouth open. I spot the bowl of left over popcorn from last night still on the coffee table. I could try flicking them into his mouth. A few practice shots. My coordination sucks. I miss his mouth completely. Hell, I barely hit the couch.

I'm bored. I need something to do. Can't reach the DVDs. Can't reach the DVD player. The TV remote is on the shelf and out of my reach. He did this on purpose. I read the paper this morning. Can't do that. So what can I do? I need something to drink.

Hummm... Daniel's asleep. If I'm really quiet.....

I pad into the kitchen. Everything is so big. But I know where everything is, so I just need to figure out how to do it. Come on, Jack. You can do this. You were black ops. You pulled off missions no one else could.

Okay. The refrigerator. I look around. Kitchen chair. That will work. I drag it to the side of the door. Damn this thing is heavy. Why did I buy solid wood chairs? The scrapping is kinda loud. I get the chair into position and run to check on Daniel. Nope, he's still asleep. He must be really tired. Good.

Back into the kitchen. I know the refrigerator door is going to be heavy and it sticks a little. I think I know how to manage that. I climb up on the chair and grasp the handle with both hands. I pull. Damn. Maybe if I jump off the chair at the same time my body weight will be enough. The chair is higher than I thought. Okay.... One... two.... Three... GO!

YES!

I let go and hit the floor. Owowowowowow.... That hurt. I get up rubbing my backside. The refrigerator door is open and there she is. The holy grail. The goddess of malt liquor. And it needs a bottle opener. Crap. Well that's in a drawer.

Time to reposition the chair. Damn, that was loud. I set the bottle on the chair and then climb up again. Now. Set the bottle on the counter. Okay, getting up there is going to be tricker than I thought. Half way up with my stomach on the counter. Just need to get my legs up here. Chair's wobbling. Gotta move!

Got it. That was close. Okay. Now, the bottle opener is in the drawer. I crawl on the countertop pushing the bottle of beer in front of me. Here's the drawer. If I lay down I can reach the handle. What the hell do I keep in here? Lead bars? Ah. Got it. I slip my hand inside and rummage around. There it is, right in the front where it belongs.

I sit on the counter with my legs dangling. I position the bottle between my legs to hold it steady. I slip the bottle opener under the cap holding tightly with both hands. A few more minutes and nirvana will be reached.

"JACK!"

I jump. The bottle opener goes flying. The beer bottle slips away. I watch it fall in almost slow motion, spinning in a lazy circle until it hits the floor and shatters. Beer and glass going in all directions. I was so close! Just another minute and....

Sobbing. I'm sobbing.

Daniel picks me up slinging me under one arm like a dufflebag. I can't stop crying.

"Jack," Daniel said. "You're going to give me every one of those gray hairs you had, aren't you?"

"I want a beer!!!" I sob.

"No beer."

"Why!!!!???!!!"

"Because this body can't handle the alcohol," Daniel said sounding reasonable in the face of my grief.

"I canth do anything!" I wail. God I hate it when I whine.

Daniel pulls me into his lap and rocks me. I hate when he does that. He's warm and he holds my head against his chest and I can feel his heartbeat against my ear. I feel his hand on my back soothing. I calm down. I don't wanna calm down. If I have to be a kid then I'm going to have a tantrum.

Maybe I'll have one later. I hate when he does this.

"You have your thumb in your mouth again," Daniel said softly.

I yank out the offending digit. "Thit."

FINI