From time to time my thoughts, feelings and emotions will all come together, and I want to be sure I can remember them all.  The following is just something I needed to capture.

For 24 hours I was king of the world
On top of the mountain ‘cause you were my girl
For 24 hours everything was right
Because of a phone call, and one spectacular night

For 24 hours I was complete and made whole
By the promise you made to never let go
You chose with your heart and now you were mine
Together forever with nothing but time

But fear is the enemy of everything right
And life seemed to change just overnight
And now the confusion sets in again
It needs to find room amongst all the pain

In 48 hours I was all turned around
Tears of joy turned to sorrow, and now fall on the ground
Pick up the pieces, or so they may say
Learn to let go, just get through today

Though the road seems eternal with obstacles abound
I will press on forward to keep myself sound
Relearn what was simple and not give it thought
To focus on positives and not be distraught

I want to listen to music and not shed a tear
‘Cause there’s memories of you in all that I hear
I want to walk on the beach and learn to just be
‘Cause there’s an image of you in all that I see

But saying goodbye is step number one
I need to appreciate the love and the fun
The mutual outlook which brought us together
The wonderful memories that live on forever

I want to thank you for everything that you gave to me
Because I am now the man you taught me to be
I want to thank you for all of which now I am better
A parent, a friend, a neighbor, a lover

So I hope as we move on you have no regrets
Know that I am not bitter and I’m not upset
Our loved blossomed and bloomed, like a bright, springtime flower
And brought us together for at least 24 hours.

Today is Thanksgiving and due to choices and decisions I made, I am spending it by myself.  Now don’t feel too sorry for me …. OK, maybe a little sorry …. but I know that I am going through this time in my life for a reason.  I know this is part of God’s plan (see previous blog posting), and it’s not for me to understand, but rather to accept.   I know I have to learn from this experience and move forward.  For me, the hard part is knowing how (again, see previous blog … <wink>).  And although I don’t have all the answers and I have no idea what lies ahead, I know two things will get me through.  Faith and Friendship.

You already know my feelings about faith, and no, I am not referring to the George Michael song from the late 80’s.  But let me talk to you about friendship.  Friendship is the manifestation of the happiness that unites us all.  The same happiness that does not exist in the absence of other people, or more specifically, friends.  There is something amazing about friendship.  It is more than a feeling.  It is an extension of love with a range so large, yet at the same time so specific.

 

We have friends at work, friends at school, and friends from the neighborhood.  We may call them acquaintances or buddies or pals.  We may know them only in passing, sometimes forgetting their names, or we may know them as the people we go out with routinely on Friday and Saturday nights.  They may be the neighbors who’s kids play with yours, or the person in accounting you have been dealing with for five years but have never met in person.

 

Then there are friends with whom you connect in spirit.  Friends with whom you make a bond where things do not have to be stated, but are still understood.  These are the people who in their own way guide you through the dark times.  These are the people who answer the phone at 3:00 AM when you have no where else to turn.  These are the people who listen, empathize and go out of their way to help you in a jam.  And on this Thanksgiving evening, these are the people for which I am thankful. 

 

I mentioned in the home page of this site that I have too many people in my life who have helped and guided me that I cannot possibly name just one or two of my most admired.  I would like to take a minute to personally thank my friends who have helped me through the tough times, and will continue to be there in the future.  I know the road will get harder and darker before it gets better, and I know I will make it because I have God guiding me and my friends supporting me.  To all the individuals listed below, and those I may have omitted …..  THANKS!

 

Scottie, what can I say other than you have been there from the start.  Fritchy, we go back a long ways and we still have a long ways to go.  Leigh, part older brother, part pain in my side. Our friendship is truly one where it goes without saying.  Zoe, my Godmother.  Always there for me, even when I am not.  Laurie, your sincerity and empathy help me make it through the days.  Ashley, my ‘lil sis, you listen without judgment, and that means the world to me.  Angela, I am still amazed that we have this much confidence in each other.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  Sneakie, you listen with compassion and your wisdom has been my saving grace. Ale, even after everything, you still manage to find ways to be there for me. KML ……  I don’t know what happens next, but I do know I will always be your friend <143>.

“…greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of it's forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind….”  I used to believe in these words.  I used to believe in relentless pursuit of self worth.  But something happened on the way to Wall Street. 

 

I have realized that greedy people tend to be unhappy people.  For greed is implicitly self serving.  Greed is exclusive.  Greed works ... for only the person who is greedy.  And happiness, IMHO, cannot be found in the absence of other people.  Can a person who is raised by wolves and never interacts with another human being ever really be happy? 

 

So this must mean that happiness is found in temperance and humility.  It is found in the appreciation of others and their well being.  As a person, at what point do you put your greed aside for the benefit of someone else?  As a parent, at what point do you draw the line between the welfare of your child and the pursuit of self worth?  How do we deal with the ironic question that is, “If your pursuit of happiness makes the one you love sad, can you really be happy should you capture your pursuit?”  At what point do we have to let go of a dream or desire? When it’s no longer attainable, or when we realize that attaining it causes pain in someone else’s life?

 

I know the answers to these questions are not absolute, and are driven by the scenarios and circumstances that create the question in the first place.  What I don’t know is how to let go of happiness for the sake of someone else’s happiness?  When there are no guarantees in life, how do you walk away from something you feel is a sure thing?  How do you start over after you have invested so much time, energy and tears?  How many more question marks can I use in this blog entry?

 

Like I said earlier, there are no guarantees in life.  As like I’ve written before, sometimes you just have to go with what you know and feel is right …. no matter how painful it may be.   We fill our lives with questions, and we often ask others to provide the answers.  And sometimes, the answer has been right in front of us all along.  I guess that’s what happens when you spend too much time looking up at a dream and not enough time looking straight ahead at life.

 

PS. Learning to let go is the first step.......

The ancient Greeks discussed and theorized many things.  But quite possibly, their greatest philosophical challenge was pondering the existence of God.  And this philosophical dilemma is not limited to toga wearers of the Mediterranean.  It is a question that has transfixed human beings across time, cultures and experiences.

 

And although I like to think the answer is absolute, it is absolutely up to the individual perspective of the person pondering the question.  If there is a God, why do bad things happen?  Why do children get sick and die?  Why do we face hardship and suffering?  Why can’t the Devil Rays win more than 70 games per season?  The truth is, IMHO, that we all internalize God, or the concept of a higher being.  We make ourselves the center of the context, and we are not so much asking “Is there a God?” but rather “Why is God doing this to me?”

 

And it’s not so much a matter of ego or self-centeredness as it is a matter of natural, human introspection.  When your car is running fine, you don’t think twice about why it’s running so well.  It’s natural and normal and all you worry about is your kid leaving some sort of stain on you leather seats.  But when you have to take it to the shop for whatever reason, you start wondering why it’s not working the way it’s supposed to.  You start focusing on the burden of maintenance, and whether or not Julio at the shop will leave some sort of stain on your leather seats.

 

I believe there is a God.  I believe words like fate, chance, coincidence, and luck are all ways we acknowledge God’s guiding hand.  I believe in the saying that God works in mysterious ways, and that everything happens for a reason.  I believe that as humans we are not capable of understanding God’s will, and that chaos theory is a gross misinterpretation of divine intervention. 

 

In the past several months, I have had chance encounters, episodes of extreme coincidence and lots of luck (both good and bad).  And in the past week, I have done nothing but ponder why fate can be so cruel and at the same time so rewarding.  It’s not for me to understand or figure out.  All I know is that God exists and is present in my life.  And God continues to grace me with the good health of my children, the love of my family and gift to sit at a keyboard and express myself with my writing.  And yesterday God smiled down on me yet once again, and blessed me with a new chapter in my life. 

 

Yes, God does exist, and God does work in mysterious and gloriously beautiful ways.

How many times have you heard the phrase, “It’s not the destination, but rather the journey that matters.”?  For me, it a phrase I love to hate, especially when you define the destination as happiness.  What is happiness?  How do you know that you really are happy?  And it’s really amazing the amount of emotional equity we can place on the concept of happiness. 

 

What really gets me is that happiness can manifest itself in so many ways.  The birth of a child, a long-deserved promotion, that intense stare from the special someone in your life, and, of course, Josh Beckett tagging out Jorge Posada in the bottom of the ninth in game 6 of the 2003 World Series … IN YANKEE STADIUM!!!  (ahhhh…..good times!).  And just as quickly as happiness can intoxicate you at any given moment, poof …. it’s gone.  Gone and leaving you with a sobering hangover of what once was (see winter of 1997 for the aforementioned Florida Marlins).

 

So why do we place so much emphasis on something so fleeting?  Why do we invest so much time on something that can be so temporary?  Why do we embark towards a destination knowing full well the arrival is not an arrival, but rather a pit stop?  It’s like a perpetual NASCAR race ….. hit the gas, turn left and try not to crash.  And just like on the speedway, when you crash, it tends to be spectacular.

 

Nevertheless, we make happiness the ultimate goal in life.  “I took a pay cut to come here, and the benefits stink … but I am happy.”  Happiness trumps everything.  Happiness blankets all the little negatives in life.  Happiness makes complication and irrationality acceptable.  Happiness, not religion, is the opium of the masses.  And I am hooked.

 

From the smile on my daughter’s face, to recognition for a job well done, to the compliments I have received from friends regarding previous blog entries, I need an ounce of happiness in my day, everyday.  Who doesn’t?!?!  And happiness should be the goal.  Happiness should be the standard.  Happiness should be our norm, if for no other reason than the continuous raising of the bar we use to define happiness makes us all strive for betterment in our lives.  The best part of happiness is that it is unique for everyone yet common to all.  Happiness is a truly universal concept that in a special way connects every person on Earth.

 

So if you find something or someone that makes you happy, cherish it, celebrate it and hold on tight.  Let it captivate you.  Never be afraid to be happy, and never be ashamed to pursue that which brings happiness into your life.

 

PS. KML, I hope you find that inner happiness you seek.  May your journey always be more rewarding than the destination.

OK.  This entry has been a long time coming.  Since being on my own, I have entered into various discussions with members of the opposite sex as to why it is so much better to be a guy than it is to be a woman.  I say woman because I don't want to come across as disrespectful, and I need all the brownie points I can get.

 

But seriously, ladies, how can you possibly dispute the benefits of the Y-chromosome?  Let's start with the basics.  As a guy, I am entitled to make more money for the same work.  Now, I know what you're thinking!!  But all I can say is don't hate the playa ... hate the game.  Next, I don't have to worry about getting jipped at the auto-shop.  That is, of course, unless I come in wearing a queer eye for the straight guy shirt, in which case the only thing I have to worry about is getting the snot beat out of me.  Paying less for dry cleaning and haircuts, being able to enter AND exit a mall in less than five minutes, not possessing a genetic need to own 8 pairs of black shoes, and, of course, the overused but undisputable factor of being able to pee standing up. <And along those lines, the answer to the question so many of you double x'ers keep asking is ...... cursive!!!>

 

Now granted, I am less likely to get out of a speeding ticket <see queer eye reference above>, I am more likely to not match, and facial hair can be a major pain in the ...... face.  But I don't have to speed, I can tape queer eye <yes, I know... that's 3 references>, and some of you "ladie's" can benefit from a Norelco this holiday season.  However, human biology dictates that we all have to pee, especially after 8 beers on a Friday night, which explains my Norelco comment earlier.  I know, I know .... I am not proud of that either. 

 

So there you have it, ladies and ....... whoever else is reading this.  Conclusive, scientific, un-biased evidence that it is soooo much better to be a guy.  In fact, the only real advantage an X has over a Y is if you consider the X-wing fighter in the Star Wars saga is a much cooler space craft than the Y-wing fighter.  But then again, you would only understand that if you possess a Y-chromosome.

What do you believe in? What do you REALLY believe in?  It's a tough question when you stop to think about it.  There are so many things to consider.  What is real and what isn't?  What does common sense dictate and what is my gut feeling?  Perhaps it's religion, perhaps it's life experiences, or perhaps it's something only you can understand.  Nevertheless, I believe everyone has a personal belief structure.  A set of absolute truths by which they live and govern their lives.

 

Now I will be the first to tell you that moral and ethical compasses are not exactly the same things.  However, a certain sense of morality does dictate the belief structure we chose to establish in our lives.  I am one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason.  That fate and circumstance come together every second and thus determine the course of our lives.  That's not to say we are slaves to chance.  Quite the contrary, fate is a circumstance of our decisions ... a by-product of our choices.  And sometimes those choices can be spectacular, and sometimes they can be spectacularly awful. 

 

The trick is making a choice in the first place.  All too often we are paralyzed with fear, or even worse, over-analysis of a particular situation.  We'd rather play it safe and not take the risk.  Believe me when I tell you that taking risk is counter to my conservative nature, but I have learned that life is in the risk.  Life is in the not knowing what will happen.  Life is in the uncertainty of consequences.  Life is believing in something you would not normally believe in.  How many games have been lost because the coach switched to a prevent defense?  How many scoring opportunities were squandered by not sending the runner from first?  Sure, you may get caught stealing .. but life is in the jump off the bag and giving it your all.

 

Now, I am not advocating reckless decision making, and I believe in minimizing risk where possible.  But my point is that we live in a world where the brain governs the decision and the heart must be content with the result.  Sometimes listening to your heart, no matter how difficult or illogical, is the right thing to do.  It's acting on faith and not just on figures.  It's taking a leap and hoping for the best. 

 

Of course, leave it to Sister Hazel to summarize it best: "If I throw myself over the edge/And if I find myself in over my head/If I shatter from the fall and I lose/I'd still want to swan dive into you."  Here's hoping that when you are faced with a conflict between your brain and your heart, between what makes sense and what feels right.... that you allow yourself to swan dive, because that's where life is.

Have you ever considered how grueling and heavy the word 'Expectations' can be?  Seriously, we live our lives and define ourselves according to expectations.  Stock prices are determined according to a company's performance against Wall Street expectations.  The choice of university for a valedictorian is greater and more important than those of Joe 'Average' Student because of said expectations.  Don't get me wrong.  Not all expectations are bad.  I expect I will eventually get to sleep tonight, but that is a completely different blog entry.

My point is we often place too much weight on expectations.  My parents' expectations of me are what set the parameters in my formative years and lead me to where I am today.  And the problem with expectations is we set ourselves up for failure by placing that bar just a little too high.  We dream impossible dreams, not with the hope of reaching them, but rather with the expectation of getting all we want.  And people wonder why high school kids go straight to the NBA?  Because it's expected of them, silly.

Dreams, hopes, ambitions, goals and yes ..... expectations.  They're like alocohol.  Nothing wrong with them per se', bust should be consumed only in moderation.  The irony is many alcoholics are born as a result of failed dreams and unrealized expectations.  And on that note, please excuse me a second while I pop open another brewskie. 

Perhaps it's a natural check-and-balance mechanism in life.  A cosmic 'You win some, you lose some' kinda' thing.  Success and failure are very similar in that we need both in order to continue trying.  We can't have one without the other, although we all wish we could do with a little less failure sometimes.  But as Momma always said, "It builds character."  At least my character is now reaching Sears Tower proportions.  <as an aside, this is two entries in a row in which I have mentioned Sears. Isn't that weird?>

So as I put a really bad day (emotionally) behind me, I am reminded of a song by Sister Hazel (what a surprise, right?). "On the road to safe/I kinda' tripped along the way..."  I guess we all trip from time to time, and we shouldn't focus so much on the fall as we should on the success of getting back up.  I know, it is easier said than done.

PS. Thanks for the e-mail, Sneakie!  Gave me the kick I needed to keep writing.

How cool will it be in nine years when today's date will be 11-12-13?  OK, maybe not that cool, but cooler than you because all you're doing right now is reading my blog!  So this is my first attempt at keeping an online journal.  Don't know why an online journal is called a blog.  Wouldn't it make more sense to call it something like Onjo or cy-di (for cyber diary)?  I hear blog and I think I need to lose weight.  Damn those carbs!!
 
So normally I really enjoy Friday nights (not that I am writing this entry on a Friday night).  OK, not only am I writing this on a Friday, the Rug Rats are on the TV in the background.  Please stop staring at the large 'L' on my forehead. It's not nice to stare.  So anyways, Friday's used to mean college football on Saturday and NFL games on Sunday.  I say used to not because it's February (although spring is depressing for football fans), but because my teams have no chance at winning a championship in their respective leagues.
 
The team that owns my soul is the University of Miami Hurricanes.  Granted, as of this posting they still can win a share of the ACC and make it to a BCS bowl.  But as any self respecting Cane fan will tell you, conference titles are not the goal.  National titles is the measure of success.  In a way, we can relate to the expectations of Yankee fans (and quite coincidentally, UM was once considered the evil empire of the NCAA).  But 2LiveCrew aside, UM has had one of the most consistent and dominating programs in the past 20 years.  Even in the days of NCAA probation (thanks again, Dennis Erickson.  Ironic justice you are now a ... Beaver), Miami did not drop to the depths which teams like Nebraska and Notre Dame now face.  Now, after stunning losses to UNC (in football, NOT basketball) and Clemson (which I am obliged to hate as a Tulane alum), Miami is a marginal Top 25 team and has no shot of winning the Sears Trophy.  The only redeeming factor is that we beat FSU (AGAIN!!) and can still make it into a BCS game.
 
Now.... that's nothing compared to the team that owns my heart.  Yes, I am referring to the floundering Fins.  Someone forgot to remind H. Wayne that Dolphins are mammals and his front office management style has been the equivalent of placing a lid on the tank.  Not only has the team choked, the fans are suffocating in frustration and humiliation.  Given the status of the season, we all would rather be toking in Asia with Ricky than spending our entertainment dollars at the stadium formerly known as JRS.  The only redeeming factor would be for the Fins to pull a 1989 Cowboys season and obtain the #1 overall pick next year.  Remember, the Cowboys drafted some kid named Emmitt Smith after finishing 1-15. But alas, Dolfans! Rick Spielman is no Jerry Jones.  So instead of ending up with Reggie Bush or Matt Leinert, we will trade picks for some retreads and have to stock up again on Tums and Scotch.
 
So as we head into another meaningless pigskin weekend for Miami fans, I have only one thing to say.  GO HEAT!