I’ve used these pages over the past six months to complain about a lot.  I have used them to vent my frustrations and deal with my grief.  And as I look back I realize, “What the hell am I complaining about?”  Granted, my father’s passing was difficult to deal with, and you’re never really ready for the passing of a family member, no matter how much you think you can prepare for it.

 

My separation was of my own doing, and even though it created some very low lows, there were really no surprises.  Well, maybe a couple back in November……

 

But I look at my life and know that I am blessed.  That my life, by comparison to 99% of everyone else, has been cake.  And I don’t even have to go to those devastated in Asia by last year’s tsunami (and today’s repeat earthquake).  I don’t have to go to Minnesota and the thought of parents mourning the children they had inexplicably pulled from their life.  Compared to those events, I have nothing about which to complain.

 

I don’t have to go that far to be reminded of how lucky I am.  Actually, all I have to do is look at my brother and think to myself, “Wow.  How does he do it?”  And I know that the answer is found in his faith in God and the amazing bond he has with his wife.  I look at my brother Lenny and I see a sense of spiritual resolve I don’t think I can ever match.  And I look at everything he and Sara have had to deal with in the past three and a half years, and I just shake my head in awe. 

 

From premature babies to job losses to the passing of parents (both expected and unexpected) to hurricanes and more job losses – not to mention the events they don’t talk about – it’s baffling to see them remain so strong and resolved in their beliefs.  It’s amazing to see how the crisis of life makes their relationship and marriage stronger.  It’s inspiring to see them persevere and push forward and become even more interwoven into themselves with each event.

 

I realize that I started writing this entry about my brother, but it’s turned out to be about him and his wife.  And that’s probably because you can’t talk about one without mentioning the other.  You can’t spend time with one without seeing and recognizing how the other is always there.  You can’t talk about Lenny and Sara without knowing in your mind that they are soul mates and where destined to be together.

 

And so I would like to share with you what I wrote for them on their wedding.  I felt this poem was inspired at the time, and it’s nice to see that as they close in on nine years of marriage (their anniversary is in June), the meaning and spirit of this wedding toast is more alive than ever.

 

  It is said every soul has a perfect companion
  Stars that existed millions of years ago
  Separated into two equal pieces
  Causing each piece to search for the other
  Lifetimes are spent in pursuit of each other
  A journey to find that other half
  That once made a perfect union
  It is Sara, nurturing and radiant
  And Leonard, passionate and enduring
  That make this eternal sacrament possible
  Through sacrifice, luck, and the grace of God
  We are here today to celebrate the union
  Or shall we say, reunion of these two souls
  A match made in Heaven
  With the blessing of both families
  And the Lord our Father
  So lets raise a toast
  To the best big brother a guy can ask for
  And to his beautiful wife

 

Sara and Lenny, you guys are the best and you have been there for me these past months just as you have been there for each other through everything.  Thank you for the support.  Thank you for the understanding.  And thank you for being the inspiration you didn’t know you are to me.

Happy Easter, everyone!

 

I am back from my personal spring break.  I didn’t go anywhere.  Just too busy/lazy to write.  So here I am ready to get everyone caught up on things. Jeeez.  Where do I begin?

 

Actually, I will start with a new beginning, given that it is Easter Sunday.  For many people, the symbolic meaning of Easter is that of starting anew.  Of rising from darkness and loss into a new life. Of moving forward in a new direction.  Sound familiar?

 

I’ve had so many songs playing in my head this weekend, but the one that sticks out is ‘Landslide’ by Stevie Nicks.

 

  I took my love, I took it down
  Climbed a mountain and I turned around
  I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
  'Till the landslide brought me down

 

  Oh, mirror in the sky
  What is love
  Can the child within my heart rise above 
  Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
  Can I handle the seasons of my life
  …..I don’t know
  …..I don’t know

 

  Well, I've been afraid of changing
  'Cause I've built my life around you
  But time makes you bolder
  Children get older
  And I'm getting older too

 

Sometimes it’s so easy to let yourself get buried in the landslide.  Just when you think you are on top of it all…… blam.  And it can be the smallest, most insignificant event that will trigger it.  The smallest action – or inaction – that sets off a turn of events that leaves you tumbling.

 

But I feel I am not so afraid anymore of the changes.  I feel that time, and circumstance, have made me bolder.  I feel that fate is not exclusive with her wand and she opens new, different doors for us just as she slams old ones shut.  I feel that as I get older, I need to grow up and allow the child within my heart to rise above.  And I am officially done paraphrasing the lyrics.

 

They say the only way to overcome your fears is to confront them, and for the longest time I have been so afraid of losing everything I ever wanted.  Well now I find myself like Lieutenant Dan in ‘Forrest Gump’, sitting atop the shrimp boat during a hurricane and challenging God.  I challenge fate to prove me wrong by moving on.  I challenge everything I thought made sense by letting go.  I will stare my fears right in the eye and smile, because I am feeling bolder and I am getting older. 

 

The landslide may have brought me down, but I have no problems with getting right back up.

Movies suck! Never mind the fact that my dream is to write one.  But nevertheless, movies suck.  Why?  For the same reason I was mad the other night with my boy Kevin Smith.  They make us think too much.  Now I know normally this is a good thing.  But sometimes movies, and life events, can just leave us sitting in our couches shaking out heads with nothing but Pop Tart dust on our shirt.  Or maybe that’s just me.

 

Just finished watching “13 going 30” starring Jennifer Garner (Yes, I am a Net Flix junkie).  First of all, mad props to Jen. She is soooooooo hot!   Secondly, I like the fantasy premise of seeing your mistakes ahead of time and correcting them before they happen.  But am I the only one bothered by the idea of two people who meet and fall in love at the age of 13 living happily ever after?  Wait a minute!  This story sound eerily familiar.

 

Without going into great detail, I can say that I wholly relate to the subject matter.  Getting way too involved way too young.  Looking at that scenario from my current perspective, all I can do is shake my head and grab another pop tart.  Life has taught me that it’s not a good idea to allow yourself to get into a serious, committed relationship until you are at least …… 45.  I’m kidding, but not by much. 

 

See, there is just too much life to experience, too many things to see and too many people to meet to close doors at an early age.  Who we are at 20 is not who we will be at 35.  And although I agree the logic holds true to say that who we are at 35 is not who we will be at 50, it is safe to say that we gain maturity and a greater sense of stability as we get older.  So we are at 35 is closer to who we will be at 50 than who we were at 20.  …… Huh?

 

My point is this.  Love, intimacy and passion are difficult to cultivate at a time when our ambitions, desires and overall direction are sophomoric at best.  We are wise fools coming out of high school and entering ‘the real world’.  This is not to say that it can’t be done.  But I have learned that we should learn to be ourselves first.  Grow comfortable with who we are and what we like (and dislike).  Learn to be independently happy before we try to share and make happiness with someone else.

 

I learned this the hard way.  And I have learned to appreciate what it takes to make a relationship work.  See, it’s all about the magic.  Think of magic as sugar.  You go to the store and buy a bag of sugar.  With every dig, every thing you let slide, every quirk that drives you crazy, there is a tiny tear in the bag.  A pin prick that opens a hole in your magic.  And you get half way home and realize you no longer have a full bag of sugar.  And you can’t go back and recover all the granules you lost, either.

 

The secret, in my opinion, is to be meticulous with the bag.  To take the time and make every effort to care for the bag.  If you find a tear, drop EVERYTHING you are doing and fix it.  Because once you lose the magic in a relationship, you can never get it back.  Kinda’ like brain cells.  And I don’t think that we can, at such a young age, adequately provide the care and attention our individual sugar bags require. 

 

Everyone is different and everyone has their unique magic number by when they will be truly ready to commit and love someone without limits (for my daughter that number is, again, 45).   And I doubt there is a high-schooler out there who will read this and think, “Wow. This guy is right! I am going to listen to him.”  But I do hope that those of you who do read this and have kids of your own encourage them to live their lives and enjoy their youth.  To open as many doors and windows as possible before they settle down.  Because unlike Jennifer’s character in the movie, we can’t go back and make things right again.

Let me begin by saying that I am a huge Kevin Smith fan.  For those of you who don’t know him, his is the creative genius behind such classics as ‘Clerks’, ‘Chasing Amy’ and ‘Dogma’.  I really like Kevin and I think he has one hell of a knack for story telling.  But I have to say that he’s not my favorite person right now.  Why?  Well, because he went out and wrote (and directed) the movie ‘Jersey Girl’.  And even though I am still in the process of seeing the flick (it’s currently paused), Kevin’s already got me thinking about way too much.

 

The premise of the movie is about a young, successful man forced to raise his daughter after his wife passes away during childbirth.  It is said that so much of a woman’s identity and self esteem is directly attributable to her relationship with her father.  To those people who came up with this concept, all I can say is, “Thanks a freak’n lot!”  Yeah, no pressure for this guy!  Geeees! 

 

Ever since I first came to this realization, I have been totally gun shy with how I am with my daughter.  I can’t even begin to describe the anxiety and self doubt that creeps into my mind whenever I am faced with a situation in which I need to discipline my child.  Am I doing the right thing?  Will she grow up to hate me?  Am I doing or saying enough?  It really is nerve racking, and the idea that I have a lifetime of this is …. well …. just crazy!

 

From the moment I separated from my wife, my time with my kids has been significantly reduced.  On week days I spend maybe three hours tops with them (and that’s on a good day).  I do get to see them more often on the weekends, but it’s still not like I used to when I was at home.  I think about the important things in my life (other than my kids, of course), and I ask myself if I could tolerate being able to experience that only 15 hours per week.  That’s less than part-time, which I guess makes me less than a part-time dad.

 

Now before you go feeling all sorry for me, it’s important to recognize that this is the path I chose.  And in the grand scheme of things, this is where I need to be.  Not because I don’t like being with my kids, but because I know in the long run I will be able to be a much better dad to them.  You can’t make your kids happy if you aren’t truly happy with yourself.  And although happiness can sometimes be fleeting, true happiness must be the cornerstone on which true parenting is built. 

 

I call on Hollywood once again and take you to the Ron Howard film ‘Parenthood’ (written by Lowell Ganz and Babloo Mandel).  “You know, Mrs. Buchman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.” 

 

I know I am not perfect, but I think I am a great dad. However, I know my best is still to come.  I know that my job on Earth is to not only be a parent, providing food, shelter and emotional nourishment, but also to be a coach.  To lead by example.  To be a role model and a hero to my kids. 

 

I do what I can with the situation being what it is in the knowledge that with every day it will get better.  And I do what I do knowing that although sometimes I will get it wrong, for the most part I am doing something right.  I can’t take all the credit, and I would be negligent to not mention and give credit to their mother.  She is an amazing woman and I could not think of anyone else I would rather have raising my kids than her. 

 

Being a dad is an honor and a privilege, and as challenging as it can be, it is also incredibly rewarding.  To all you dads out there, I want to remind you that your kids should be a priority and not a burden.  And to all you ladies out there, I have to confess there is no text book on how to do this.  Unlike Hollywood, this script is a continual work in progress with each day giving us new pages, new plot twists and new experiences.  We hope for the best and work to achieve that ….. because sometimes that is all we can do.

I had a really bad experience the other night.  I was about to prepare dinner in my apartment for my kids.  I poured some oil in a pan and set it on the stove top.  The phone rang, it was a friend, and she asked me to look up some information online.  Well, as a result of my negligence and stupidity, the oil burst into flames and all heck broke loose.  My daughter freaked out, the smoke detector was wailing, and my apartment was filled with thick smoke.

 

Thankfully, no one was hurt and the damage was confined to the stove and the cabinets above it.  Even though Natalie was very upset, I am proud with how she reacted.  She was very alert and responsive and did not ‘freeze’ in a crisis situation.  When I opened the door and told her to run outside, she took the time to stop and make sure her brother was right behind her.  She was my little hero that evening, and it was one of those moments that, as a parent, just makes your chest burst with pride.

 

Which got me thinking about other situations in life that force us to react.  Those moments where there is no time to think, just to do.  How will I react in a true crisis situation?  Am I up to the task?

 

I like to think that I am clutch in situations like that.  That my fears and uncertainties would take a backseat to getting the job done.  I like to believe that I inherited that quality from my dad, a man who was many times Johnny on the spot…..literally.  But no amount of planning, thinking or dreaming can truly prepare you for that moment when push comes to shove.  You won’t know until you are faced with the overwhelming fear and weight of the situation, and all you can do is believe that you can. 

 

They say that in crisis situations people develop the ability to do extraordinary things.  A small, petite woman picking up one end of a car so as to rescue her children.  People running unscathed through a wall of flame so as to escape certain death.  And we have all heard of the hiker who cut off his own arm after it had become trapped under a boulder.  If we stop and think of those scenarios, we will convince ourselves that we can’t.  That it’s impossible.  Unthinkable.

 

However, in the heat of the moment we are capable of doing just about anything.  We are able to overcome in order to live, both physically and metaphorically. 

 

My daughter rose to the occasion and prevented a bad situation from getting worse.  And I like to think that if a five year-old can find the courage to be strong, then all of us can.  We all have it inside of us to stand up and make it happen.  At least, that’s what I like to think.  But we’ll never really know until we have to.

I recently had to undergo a minor surgical procedure.  As a result, I was prescribed Vicodin for the pain.  The bottle is riddled with warning labels, specifically with regards to how this drug can be habit forming.  All I can say is, “Party at my place!”

 

And people have engaged in the use of drugs for recreational purposes since the beginning of recorded history.  It’s an escape.  It’s a way out of what can be the mundane and monotonous world in which we live.  However the method of escaping reality is not limited to drugs, recreational, prescribed or otherwise.  People naturally gravitate to those things that take their minds off their problems.  “Calgon, take me away!”

 

I would like to submit a particular human emotion as one of the most enticing, seductive and addictive feelings we are capable of experiencing.  Affection.  Genuine, heart-felt affection.  To lose yourself in the knowledge that someone is doing or saying something for you strictly because they want to is intoxicating.  That someone is willing to go to the nth degree for you is breathtaking.  That someone cares enough to listen, to understand, to devote 100% attention to you and your life…… well, there are no words to properly describe that.

 

Affection is raw.  Affection is real.  Affection is someone using their soul as a paintbrush to liven up the canvass that is your life.  There are few gifts we can receive that are more meaningful and inspiring and awesome than the gift of affection.  Well, with the exception, perhaps, of a smuggled Sony PS3 from Japan …… but that’s a whole separate blog entry altogether.

 

And to be the object of affection is purely addictive.  I can say with honesty and humility that I have never engaged in the use of hard drugs, but I can’t imagine a better feeling than the one I get when someone bestows on me their affection.  It is a gift from the heart.  It is a gift of the soul.  And it creates such a high that I never, ever want to come down.  It is a feeling that makes everything better.  A feeling that makes all the bad memories, all the tough circumstances, all the negative thoughts go away. 

 

Whatever the vice may be, people have their drug of choice in order to make the real become unreal.  And being the object of someone’s affection creates a feeling that makes the spirit soar.  A feeling that surpasses that of anything found in a dime bag.  But it does not, however, surpass the feeling of displaying genuine affection to someone else.  This is one example where it is truly better to give than to receive.  Because to give someone your affection and love and devotion and tenderness and everything that comes with being in love with someone special is not only pleasing, it is also thoroughly rewarding.  And the best part is that instead of escaping reality, you are creating a new reality that is genuine, true and meant to be experienced.

 

So give affection a try, and be proud to say you are an addict.  We should all be so lucky.