Monday, June 27, 2005
Dynamics
A lot can happen in a week. And it’s funny how some weeks zip by in what seems like the blink of an eye, whereas
others take an eternity to finally conclude. I really don’t know how to consider this past week, and although a lot
happened in the last seven days, I find myself at the keyboard feeling the same all over again. And it's all because of relationships.
Relationships are like snowflakes. They are unique and different yet fundamentally the same. Although their
characteristics and appearances carry traits that make them special and unlike anything else, they require the right conditions
to survive. Too cold and all you have is a homogeny of frozen water particles that simply just gets in the way.
Too hot and the snow melts away into oblivion, never to be seen again.
And there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to maintaining a relationship. Do you allow yourself to be brutally
honest, or do you hold back for the benefit of the parties at stake? Do you hang on to not just every word, but also
the meaning of every word, thus leading to the semantically laden precipice that is, “What do you mean by that?”? Or
do you let things slide, give the other person their space and not worry about every detail?
Gosh….. Who knows? It would be so easy if there were a black or white approach to all of this. It would be
so nice if I could look up the answer in a manual or guide. I laugh because all too often I picture myself doing that,
thumbing through the pages of an imaginary book looking for what is the right thing to do. “Um… yeah… I …. um ….. I got nothing.”
But it’s the dynamics of relationships that make them so fun and interesting and challenging in a good way. It’s
the fact that they can be relatively routine, yet still unpredictable. You can be on path A for months, only to find
yourself suddenly on path B. Some would say sidetracked, others derailed. But that’s what makes interacting with
and sharing experiences with someone the essential element of who we are. It is life, and life is what happens in between
making plans.
It can be going out dancing one night and enjoying Village Inn and Starbucks for breakfast the next morning. It
can be going to a ball game and missing three-quarters of it because you are too busy having fun. It’s finding security
and faith in the pleasant surprises life throws your way. From happy accidents to happy hour, I know I define myself
by my relationships with other people. And that definition is ever-evolving and as dynamic as the relationships it represents.
Miche, I am glad I got to be a part of your special day and special week. Remember that although there may
be a cap on how old we get, there is never a cap on how we choose to live and celebrate life. Make this year all that
you want it to be, and once again, Happy Birthday!
Monday, June 20, 2005
Best Father's Day Ever?
Yesterday was Father’s Day and my initial plan was to sit at home, watch ‘Field of Dreams’, and cry myself to sleep after
finding the bottom of a bottle of tequila. Lucky for me, I was invited to go boating instead. So I did.
And what I thought would be a miserable day ended up being the best Father’s Day ever!
Don’t get me wrong. I spent all of Saturday with my kids because I knew that I would want to spend Father’s Day
alone. This was the first FD since I moved out and the first FD without my dad, so the stage was set for a high-level pity
party. But as with just about everything over the past 9 months, my friends were there and came to the rescue.
And sometimes we need to be rescued. We need to free ourselves from the anchors we cast from our hearts.
The thoughts of loss and pain and living life as a tortured soul. And although those thoughts provide clarity at times,
there are moments when we need to put them aside and allow ourselves to escape the harsh truths and the brutal realities of
our lives. We need to allow our spirits to set sail and see where the winds of fate and life take us.
Is it me or is there a nautical theme building up?
Speaking of nautical themes, I need to get back to the boating. I won’t get into many details about the excursion
(what happens on the Sea-Doo stays on the Sea-Doo), but I do have to mention a couple of things and give mad props to those
that made it possible. From the beer funneling to the ‘sudden exposure’, a good time was had by all!
To Mr. Storm, thanks again for taking me out. It was an absolute blast, and you are 100% correct…….it IS good to
be you! To Melissa, what else can I say but … WOW! Oh, and I will keep that little fish incident between just you and
me <wink>. To Jeff …”El Jefe” … welcome to the Sunshine State. And THIS, baby, is why we live in Florida.
Leelee, what can I say that hasn’t already been said? You’ve been there for me in more ways than you know.
I know the view ahead is not as clear as the road behind, but all I can tell you is that we’ll just have to see what happens.
Thank you, again, for making this Father’s Day so remarkably memorable and special! Did I mention it was the best Father’s
Day ever?!?!?!?! <smile> Oh, and BTW, the word we were looking for is Carinhition.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Winning.....
The College World Series begins next weekend in Omaha, Nebraska, and I am glad my Tulane Green Wave qualified today by
beating Rice University in their Super Regional. As you all know, I am a major sports junkie and I can get into
just about any sporting event. I can’t help it. I am competitive by nature, and I love to see two teams battle
it out on the field or on the court. To me it’s thrilling and exhilarating and, as my brother will attest to, I DO NOT
LIKE TO LOSE!!!
Relax. It used to be much worse. Let me rephrase that. It used to be much, much, MUCH worse.
I’ve broken furniture and put cracks in doors because my team has let me down (see Monday Night Football, October 23, 2000).
I have secluded myself in my room for hours and fallen asleep crying ….. and this is as an adult! To say I am competitive
can be a bit of an understatement. But as I have matured over the years (OK…. slightly matured), I have learned
to deal with not winning.
I say not winning instead of losing because they are two different things. Kinda’ along the lines of a hockey team
with an 18 game unbeaten streak. It’s not a winning streak because they may have a couples of ties scattered in there,
but nevertheless they remain unbeaten. So I like to look at my unsuccessful efforts more as unrealized wins rather than
losses.
And I sit and overanalyze every aspect of my failure to try and learn from it. After all, if we can’t learn from
our mistakes we’re doomed to repeat them, right? I sit and rationalize why I did not win. I make mental and emotional
excuses to make me feel better about the situation. “This is how things are supposed to be. Everything happens
for a reason. Next time will be different.”
But why is it so important to rationalize? Why do we place an emphasis on feeling good about not winning?
“Keep your chin up. You gave it your all. It was a moral victory.”
Dude……fuck that!! I lost, plain and simple. Why can’t it just be that black or white?. I tried and
I lost. I failed. I was inadequately prepared to realize my dream. Why blame life or fate or circumstances?
Why? Because those things are out of our control, and it’s easy to point the finger to that which we cannot control.
I’m tired of pawning off my situation on karma and ‘life as we know it’. I am tired of making excuses and rationalizing
and looking at the brighter side. Fuck the brighter side.
I lost. Plain and simple and self-explanatory. I lost. I did not try hard enough. I did not think
out all the options. I did not anticipate all the scenarios, and consequently I failed. This is not an unrealized
win but rather a colossal failure on my part. The Titanic ‘aint got nothing on me. I lost….. and that’s all there
is to it.
As for the Greenies of my alma mater, here’s hoping they follow a different path and realize a National Championship
this year. Because when it comes to winning and losing, there are the highest of highs and there are the lowest of lows.
And everything in between is simply life.
Thursday, June 9, 2005
The Sun Will Rise
November 18, 2004
January 1, 2005
January 25, 2005
March 27, 2005
May 24, 2005
Today……
No matter when or how many times you say it, goodbye is still goodbye. Yet what’s so good about saying bye?
About letting go? About forcing yourself (or trying to at least) to not look back? I do look back and see a pattern
of falling into the same situation over and over and over. The CD of my heart stuck on repeat. (I would have gone
with the broken record reference, but I am trying to win over the younger crowd).
And some would argue it’s simply the toils of a hopeless romantic. A fool in love lost in his ways. Fast
forward only to find a hopeless fool wondering how it all got this way. But as I mentioned before, I have no regrets.
The memories I carry are enough for several lifetimes. And, just like that Mike and the Mechanics song (so much for
that young crowd thing), don’t shed a tear for me. My life will go on, as will everyone else’s. The sun will rise
tomorrow.
And I have been reminded of that almost everyday by my friends. Sure the pains of heartache are tough to deal with,
but the sun will rise tomorrow. Sure the memories make it difficult to not look back, but the sun will rise tomorrow.
Sure you feel shorted by fate, destiny and God……..but the sun will rise tomorrow.
And one particular friend of mine, an angel if you will, sent me an e-mail today to remind me of just that. The
e-mail contained the lyrics to yet another Garth Brooks song. And I know I have been quoting lyrics lately, but music
– and the stories behind them – can be very therapeutic when you’re feeling down, out and alone. The name of the song
is Unanswered Prayers, and the gist of the story is that God has a plan for us all, and He sometimes lets prayers go unanswered
so as to guide us down the road He wants us to follow.
Like I have written before, it’s not our place to fight it or even understand it. But rather, we must
accept God’s will and have faith that He allows us to experience the things we do for a reason. We may not like it (Lord
knows I don’t), but that’s the way things are. Life is what happens between making plans, and it is in dealing with
pain and heartache that we stumble across gems of new joy and hope. We discover the possibilities that abound on a new
path we never even knew existed.
It’s never easy to say goodbye. It’s incredibly difficult to let go and move on. I can’t even imagine a life without
the one person I prayed for and desired for so long. But the sun will rise tomorrow, and “some of God's greatest
gifts are unanswered prayers.”
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Something to Consider
Having dealt with a world class migraine yesterday (and I am not one to get migraines), being tired, and still in a very
pensive and reflective mood, I am going to cop out on this blog entry and defer to Billy Joel.
Like Genesis, Billy Joel is for me comfort music. And although there are many of his songs to which I can relate
(Vienna is the one with which I identify the most), I would like to post the lyrics to the song Summer Highland Falls, which
I feel are very appropriate at this time.
They say that these are not the best of times
But they’re the only times I’ve ever known
And I believe there is a
time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lover’s eyes
And I can only
stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It’s either sadness or euphoria
So we’ll argue and we’ll compromise
And realize that nothing’s ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our
separate conclusions are the same
Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
A reason coexists with our insanity
And though we choose between reality and madness
It’s either sadness or euphoria
How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don’t fulfill each other’s fantasies
And as we stand upon
the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It’s either sadness or euphoria
I guess at the end of the day, you either will or you won’t. But unlike Yoda, I do believe it’s important to try.
KML…. My heartfelt condolences for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thursday, June 2, 2005
Loss
Today has been a very strange day for me. It’s been one that has been filled with pensiveness, emotion and blinding
confusion.
Let me begin by saying that I recognize, appreciate and thank God that I have two beautiful and healthy children, I have
my health, and I have a support structure that is undeniable. It seems that any direction in which I reach out, there
is someone there who is more than willing to listen, empathize and help. I am very, very fortunate and I thank you all
for being wonderful and patient with me.
That being said, I can’t help feel an overwhelming sense of loss. That’s because I lost someone very close to me.
Not to death, but to circumstances, fear and ….. just life. In the past nine months, I have lost my father and my maternal
grandmother. And although the death of my dad was extraordinarily taxing on my spirit, the graveness of his health
made the situation easier to accept.
This is different. This, to me, seems more profound than I ever imagined it could be. It’s overwhelming and
suffocating at times. I wake up some mornings overcome by grief, sobbing uncontrollably because I failed to realize
the one dream I pursued so relentlessly. I put it all on the line, over and over again, only to fall just short with
each attempt. And now I am in that no-man’s land of getting from the turning point to the next place in my life. I am
stuck in this mental hell that is ‘getting through it’.
But I have no regrets. I honestly don’t. Like the Garth Brooks song The Dance, “…I could have missed the
pain / But I'd of had to miss the dance.” (Actually, ALL the lyrics of that song are applicable). The problem
is that the memories of my friend are so intoxicating and so moving and so completing to my soul, that I feel the pains of
withdrawal by not being with …… her.
And there is no Betty Ford Center for the heart. There is no detox of the soul, unless of course you consider the
plethora of vices available to us all. And apparently the pursuit of these vices is a very, very easy thing to do.
I fill my days with distractions, busy work and more distractions, but a large piece of my heart will forever be empty.
And I am scared that I will either always have that painful void in my chest, or I will learn to live with a smaller heart.
Which is worse? I really don’t know.
I took my kids to dinner at Bennigan’s tonight. I got around to talking to the waitress, a cute, blonde college
student majoring in English. OK, we weren’t so much talking as I was flirting with her (and since we’re sharing, let’s
just say she is a distraction I wouldn’t mind having…..but I digress). She told me her ambition is to one day be a screenwriter
(at which point I officially fell in love with her). But it got me to thinking of how great it would be to be young
again. To have nothing but an open road ahead of you in life. On, giant do-over. But………..
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey
who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to
chance - I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
No regrets.
