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...Something For When You're Bored!
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My Blog
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I started keeping this blog as an attempt to make lemonade with the lemons life tossed my way.
Coincidentally, some entries are a bit more sour than others.
The blog entries keep coming, as do the death threats and bags of poo on fire on my door step.
It's been well over three years since my first posting, and all I can say is, "I can't believe you keep coming back!"
But seriously, thank you all for the continued support, encouragement and inspiration. I
hope you all keep reading, keep smiling, and keep cashing those bribe checks I've been sending.
For all you newcomers, thank you for taking the time. I hope you enjoy the nonsense that rattles
around in my head. Oh, BTW ..... don't forget to sign my guestbook!
Please note the blog entries are listed in reverse chronological order.
To view previous entries to my blog, please follow the date links at the bottom of this page. Thanks.
Want to be automatically notified of updates to this
page? Click here.
Click here to see me hard at work.
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Monday, August 29, 2005
Define Crazy...
Webster defines depression as ‘a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty
in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection
and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies’. Hmmmmmm. Check, check, check. Let’s see, yep. Check,
check and, oh……. yeah, check.
But what do I have to be depressed about? If you’re reading this, you know my story. You probably know it all
too well. No matter how rapidly I may flip through the book, I am stuck on this same page in my novel. The same
page in my life. My sad, pathetic, miserable, little life. OK, so I am being melodramatic, but if only to make
a point. That point being I can’t get over this heartbreak and it’s impacting everything that I do and who I am.
I’m depressed.
But I try to put it all in perspective. I try to look at the bright side and search for the silver lining.
I lived more in these past three years than I thought was possible. I learned how to be a better person (I like to think
at least), I learned to be a better dad, and how to be there for my friends the way they have been there for me.
Still, above all that, I remain depressed.
Yet I remind myself that I am so blessed and so lucky. I have a career that right now pays me way more than I deserve
to be paid. My kids are happy and healthy and sleeping safely in their beds right now. With the exception of the
occasional joint discomfort, I am myself physically healthy, and I have material possessions to make me comfortable.
Still the sadness and anxiety and everything else remains.
I know my situation could be significantly worse. I could be one of the millions of people impacted by Hurricane
Katrina. I could be a single-mom asked to juggle her kids’ school schedule, her work schedule and a personal life all
at the same time. I could be a parent sitting in the recovery room of a hospital waiting for her child to wake up from
his surgery. Or worse, I could be a parent dying inside with anxiety and pain because their child has gone missing.
No matter what life throws my way, no matter what the hardship, no matter how deep the pain, I know that my life is still
better than that of 99% of the other people on this planet. Yet still I’m depressed. Fuck, it’s 1:00
AM and I am no where near being asleep!
Webster defines obsession as ‘a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling’.
Yeah, one more big checkmark for that one. Except I don’t think the object of my preoccupation is disturbing or unreasonable.
But it is excruciatingly persistent, and it is this persistence that has lead me to my depression. It is the fact that
I can’t shake the idea or walk away from the dream. No matter how hard I try, I always come back to the same thought.
I always fall back to the same belief. I still want to believe in things like destiny and fate. I still want to
believe in the concept of soul mates and happily ever after. I want to believe in dreams and fulfillment, but it gets
harder and harder every day. …..and it’s depressing the crap out of me.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
A World of Cliches
“Everything happens for a reason”. I think we have all heard this phrase a million times. I know I have written
before that I believe everything happens for a reason, and that reason is not necessarily for us to understand but to accept.
“It’s in God’s hands.” Yet another phrase that allows us to justify and try and make sense of situations and circumstances
in life that leave us wanting to say, “What the F…..?” A reminder that we are all part of a cosmic play, each of us
playing our part. And more often than not, there are no retakes. No, “Hey, can we do that part over? I messed
up”.
Do you think in Heaven there is one giant blooper reel of people’s lives? I think there is. I think it plays
on a giant screen in the recreation area of Heaven, right next to the ping-pong table. So never mind the image of Winston
Churchill and Ghandi playing ping-pong together. Instead think about how many times segments of your life appear in
Heaven’s blooper reel. I like to think that I did not have many, that is until this past year. I think there is a special
Director’s cut of my past 369 days available in Heaven right now. I can just picture my dad up there closing his eyes
as he awkwardly shakes his head and says, “Yeah….. that’s my kid.”
“..but life goes on and the important thing is to learn from our mistakes!” Yes, I know that. We all know
that. But it still does not make it easy to deal with or comes to grips with some aspects of life, especially when you
don’t view your actions as mistakes. I mean, is it a mistake to pursue a dream? Is it a mistake to give it your
all in hopes that you realize everything you ever wanted? Is it wrong to want to be perfect, if only in one aspect of
your life? I don’t think so. But when you pursue and you give it your all and you want and want and want; and
still you fall short, there is only one thing to do…….move on.
“Shit or get off the pot!” I know, not the loveliest of sayings but wholly appropriate in so many things we do.
I look back at the past 369 days with no regrets. Not one. Even the obvious mistakes I have made, even the decisions
I have undertaken that have caused pain in other people’s lives; none of these take me down the road of regret because I have
experienced so much that I can’t even begin to properly explain it. My mistakes and my decisions needed to be made so
that I can learn from them and be better going forward. It’s all part of a greater purpose. But as was made perfectly
clear to me Sunday morning, it’s time to get off the pot.
So I look forward to the road ahead with an equal amount of anxiety and anticipation. I trudge along stronger,
a bit wiser, and hopefully a better person as a result of these past 369 days…..as a result of these past three years.
I look ahead at the rest of my life with the memory of something great and with no regrets. Oh….. and with absolutely
no desire to look back.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Focus, Danielson
The grasshopper that jumps without thinking lands in the unknown
The
cricket that thinks but does not jump gets eaten by the bird
The worm that squirms the most gets dirtiest of the bunch
… and then gets eaten by the same bird
I am not sure what this means, but the moral of the haiku wannabe is that I plan on making less blog entries (for now)
and focusing my efforts on short stories and other pieces of fiction.
Although all stories, novels, etc. are based, IMHO, on some reality, I hope this exercise helps expand my creative skills
and creates the foundation for a solid piece of work in the future.
As usual, I hope you enjoy what I put out ….. <he he….I said put out>, and I hope you provide me your feedback
on what you like and don’t like. But please keep the negative stuff to yourself <smile>.
See y’all again real soon…………
Monday, August 8, 2005
Words, Tears amd Daniels
Today was the first day of school for my kids. I can’t believe my daughter is starting first grade and my son is in Pre-K
4. When did this happen? When did they go from being little bundles in strollers to little people in Skechers?
I guess the old adage is true that time flies when you’re having fun. And I really try to have as much fun as I can
with my kids.
I have to remind myself that no matter what is going on in my life, I need to check my baggage at the door when it comes
to my children. And there have been days when I have felt like I have 17 claim checks in my pocket. But still,
there is nothing more important to me than being a positive and happy role model for Natalie and Daniel.
I was fortunate to have them stay with me this weekend. I watched the NFL Hall of Fame induction ceremony with
them, and although they were bored to tears, I was shedding tears of my own for different reasons. Now I know I said
I was going to be in Canton when Dan Marino got inducted, but life is what it is and I ended up watching on TV instead.
And I am so glad I did, because I know I will always cherish the memory of that induction ceremony.
There I was watching 18 year old Daniel “Danno” Marino deliver a moving and heartfelt introductory speech about his father.
``… in the same way my grandfather is my father's hero, my father is my hero.'' Wow! It was surreal to see this
kid talk about my childhood hero as something other than a football player. It was mesmerizing to share the gratitude
and awe he described, yet at the same time feel the sense of pride his father was feeling in his heart. Gil the fan
and Gil the dad sharing a moment just layered in emotions. It’s unlike anything I have felt in a very long time.
I wish my kids were old enough to appreciate the majesty of the moment. And I so wish my dad was alive to have
witnessed such a beautiful speech. I like to think there were several men shedding tears and sharing hugs as they struggled
to get the words, “I love you, dad” out of their mouths. I know I kept holding my Daniel close to me as I told him how
much I love him.
Daniel Marino’s speech was passionate, as passionate as his father was on the playing field driving the Dolphins to another
fourth quarter comeback. Danno had only wonderful things to say of both his parents, and his words focused on family.
They were inspired by the memories of a man who is so much more than just an NFL legend. Danno said that as he started
to write his speech he had to stop and really think about what his relationship with his father meant. Based on the
words he delivered, it must be a spectacular relationship indeed. I sit here writing this entry hoping I am laying the
foundation for a spectacular relationship with my kids.
I know I will never step onto the field as a professional athlete. I may never climb the corporate ladder to the
height of CEO, and I may never realize professional success as an author or screen writer. But just as Dan Marino never
won a Super Bowl, he is still a champion. And moments of glory are not found only in a champagne drenched locker room.
On Sunday afternoon, my moment of glory was sitting in my bedroom watching my hero from the past with my heroes of the present.
Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Marie and the Tree
Little Marie
Stared at the tree
And said to herself
“How happy I’ll be
If only I could
Climb up this
tree”
The tree it did sway
In a precarious way
But still Marie knew
It would make her day
If she just would climb
And
get on her way
For standing there put
Entrenched in a rut
Life would stay dull
Like ashes and soot
If only Marie
Could
just move one foot
She thought she believed
In the green of the leaves
The sense of excitement
The tree’s majesty
But still
she was scared
How could this be?
The tree was inviting
Charming, delighting
With branches so bold
And a trunk that was mighty
The was no real
cause
For her to be frightened
But yet she remained
Frozen in pain
And sorrow and worry
Of the wind and the rain
Not knowing if she
Could
feel safe again
So Marie stood and stared
With a list of her cares
Unable to fix them
Yet still quite aware
That resolve
them she would
If only she’d dare
Dare to be strong
Dare to hold on
To be in the place
Where she belonged
To feel the security
For which
she longed
But the days would just pass
Some slow and some fast
Weeks and then months
What a pity, alas
That Marie did
not move
From her spot in the grass
Not sure what to say
Of what happened that day
When Marie and the tree
Did part their ways
Marie never again
able
To run out and play
As for the tree
We’ll just have to see
It eventually stopped growing
But how could that be?
For how could
it grow
Without little Marie?
Monday, August 1, 2005
Heroes
I took my kids to see the movie "Sky High" this past weekend. Now, I would have much preferred to see "The Wedding
Crashers", but I don’t want to get my son started too early on the whole ‘running game’ thing. OK…..maybe I do.
But for a Disney kids flick, "Sky High" was actually pretty good. And among Mary Elizabeth Winsted (20), Kelly Preston
(43) and Lynda Carter (54) – YES, I said Lynda Carter – the movie is very Dad-friendly.
For those of you who don’t have kids, and consequently enjoy the luxury of such things as disposable income, the movie
is about a secret high school for the education and training of future super heroes. It’s a novel concept, and the story
deals with your usual high school / teenage angst type of dramas.
The movie also got me to thinking about my favorite superheroes. I remember waking up as a kid on Saturday mornings
to watch ‘Spider Man and His Amazing Friends’. Spidey was definitely my favorite of them all not because of he could
do whatever a spider can, but because one of his amazing friends was Firestar and she was hot! (Do you feel a theme brewing?)
But in all seriousness, what draws us to the fantasy world of superheroes? Why are we so compelled to want to believe
in the idea of these characters? I think it’s the same reason we make heroes out of sports figures, movie stars and
best friends. It’s the idea of greatness. And who doesn’t want to be great? Who doesn’t want to be Dan Marino
rifling another touchdown pass? Who doesn’t want to be Denzel Washington delivering those gut-wrenching lines?
Who doesn’t want to be that person who is on the other side of that phone reminding you of all the other great things in life?
And I think we all experience moments of greatness. We all live in pockets of time when things are perfect and
wonderful and happy and ….. well, great. Like the connect-the-dots games on the back of the kids menu at a restaurant,
life is like a series of moments that by themselves do not make sense, but when strung together in some cosmic order make
up something truly meaningful. Everything in between the dots is just static.
In addition to ideas of greatness, heroes also give us hope and allow us to believe that everything will be alright.
For me, I find greatness in being with my children. They are my heroes. They make me want to be great, and they
make me believe that everything will be OK. I know I am not perfect. I know I may be too hard on them
at times. But when I look at them I also know that no matter what lies ahead in life, things will be just fine.
I know that in their eyes I am like a super hero, always there to catch them and save the day. Thankfully they
don’t really see when dad trips over a clump of kryptonite, but that’s what secret identities are for, right? I just
hope and pray that I continue to be blessed in life, and that God – the Stan Lee of life – grant me the good fortune of one
day looking up in admiration at my kids the way they do to me right now. Oh …. wait a minute ….. He already has!
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