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...Something For When You're Bored!
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My Blog
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I started keeping this blog as an attempt to make lemonade with the lemons life tossed my way.
Coincidentally, some entries are a bit more sour than others.
The blog entries keep coming, as do the death threats and bags of poo on fire on my door step.
It's been well over three years since my first posting, and all I can say is, "I can't believe you keep coming back!"
But seriously, thank you all for the continued support, encouragement and inspiration. I
hope you all keep reading, keep smiling, and keep cashing those bribe checks I've been sending.
For all you newcomers, thank you for taking the time. I hope you enjoy the nonsense that rattles
around in my head. Oh, BTW ..... don't forget to sign my guestbook!
Please note the blog entries are listed in reverse chronological order.
To view previous entries to my blog, please follow the date links at the bottom of this page. Thanks.
Want to be automatically notified of updates to this
page? Click here.
Click here to see me hard at work.
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Are you Bleep'n Kidding Me?
I’m back!!
OK, OK. I know this hiatus was short lived (again), but I’m in a pissy mood and I need to vent. I am sure
it’s no surprise that the source of my flaring nostrils is the double-X’ers about which I am usually waxing so eloquently.
But this little situation has nothing to do with broken hearts and shattered dreams, and has everything to do with that annoying
and hypocritical female sense of self-righteousness.
Let me sum it up for you in two words. Martha Burke. Yes, the same ignoramus Martha Burke that tried to impose
her political agenda and narrow minded will on Augusta National Golf Club. As if allowing women to play Augusta would
improve the well being and living conditions of women across the nation. Listen up, pumpkin-tits …… I’m a guy and I
can’t play at Augusta. About 98% of the United States cannot play at Augusta. It’s a term called exclusivity,
and right, wrong or indifferent, it is something that is well within the rights of a PRIVATE club to do.
My apartment is a PRIVATE residence. If I have a party and choose to invite only guys (which of course I would
never do because really, who deliberately sets out to host a sausage-fest?), or if I choose to only invite the many Indian
residents of this complex <pause> …… yeah, like THAT will ever happen ………no one has the right to MANDATE
to me who I need to include in my private party!
So now Ms. Hasn’t Been Laid Since LBJ has her size 48 knickers in a twist about the new television ad campaign for the
NHL. Did this woman even look at the ad, or did she merely have her granola-eating, carpet-muncher of an assistant throw
a dart at a list of new crusades for the week? I mean, seriously? You have got to see the ad to understand why
I am just amazed at the audacity of this woman.
According to espn.com, the ad was produced by the NHL as one of five “Inside the Warrior” series spots. Burke and
the NCWO claim the ad is offensive because it shows a bare-chested hockey player being dressed by a “scantily clad woman.”
Huh? Does Martha even know what the phrase ‘scantily clad’ means? I’ve seen the ad. I’ve looped it on my
Windows Media Player for 15 minutes straight to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Keep in mind it’s only a 30 second spot.
There is NOTHING offensive about it at all. The woman is wearing PANTS, first of all, and a camisole top that is modest
in comparison to what Brandi Chastain displayed in the 1999 Woman’s World Cup. If anything, the ad is offensive to Ridley
Scott as it is clearly inspired by the theme of his movie Gladiator.
Gladiator? ...........You’re damn right he was!
But bad jokes aside, the woman in the TV spot is not scantily clad. You want to see scantily clad? Go
to your nearest mall. Step into a Hollister or A&F store. You want to see scantily clad? Turn on MTV.
You want to make a difference for women, Martha? Protest the Britney’s and Christina’s of the world that promote half-nudity
as a way of life. Protest shows like “The Simple Life” that glamorize no talent idiots and make celebrities out of spoiled,
rich kids who’s only claim to fame is a last name and a penchant for having sex on camera. Why haven’t you spoken out
against these ‘offensive’ entities?
I know why. Because in these cases women are getting rich. The ladies are walking away with the bling and
the cash. So long as a woman gets her ‘fair share’ of the pie, it’s all good. But as soon as an all-male or mostly-male
entity like the NHL exploits a woman, stop the F’n presses and burn the F’n bras. We have the vaginal equivalent of
a jihad on our hands.
Look, lady. Give up the ‘Holier-than-though’ crap and go away. I know you’re stepping down as chair of the
NCWO on November1, and that day can’t come soon enough. Also, you’re quoted on espn.com with regards to the NHL ad as
saying, “One person's objectionable is another person's bottom line.” As I pointed out above, that door swings both
ways. And speaking from a position about which you have no expertise – that is as the parent of a daughter – I find
Britney’s MILF in Training T-shirts more offensive and more damaging to the future of my little girl than a flip’n hockey ad!! You want to make
a difference for women? Lose the political agenda and focus on REAL issues!
Oh….and iron my F’n shirt while you’re at it!
To view the NHL ad on your computer, copy and paste the address below into your browser window. Sorry
for the inconvenience.
mms://wm.nhl.na-central.speedera.net/wm.nhl.na-central/comp/ad/ad1_700.wmv
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Beat Down
One of my favorite shows is not a drama or situation comedy. It’s definitely not one of those crappy ‘reality’ shows
either. My favorite show, believe it or not, is a sports-talk show on ESPN called Pardon the Interruption. It’s
different from any sports show you’ve ever watched, and the rapport and chemistry the two hosts display is something that
can only be found after years and years of professional collaboration and mutual friendship.
Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon are brilliant, IMHO, and they always manage to deliver both sides of the argument, no
matter how lame one side may be. The reason I mention all of this is that one of my favorite Wilbon phrases is “beat
down.” When referring to unruly fans in the stands or teammates that are just major distractions to their teams, Michael
usually turns and says, “You know what this guy needs, Tony? A beat down!” Hey, what else do you expect from a guy from
Chicago.
Apparently beat downs are common all over this great land of ours, and that includes southern Alabama. And boy did I get
a beat down tonight. Suffice it to say I deserve every ounce of it. It was not a physical beat down (I would much
have preferred that it were). Instead, it was a mental and emotional trip behind the woodshed. It was an ass kicking
full of pent up anger, devastation, disbelief and, oh yeah, just a touch of southern hospitality. And once again, it
was well deserved.
I had a posting up here last night entitled “The Great Debate”. I wrote it thinking that I could help explain myself
better to someone I had hurt. Boy was I wrong. Instead it spawned the aforementioned beat down I got from this
person. And again, I deserved it all.
There is a lot of truth to the phrase, “The path to hell is paved with good intentions.” There is even more truth
to the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” I think it’s wholly appropriate that the worst hurricane
in recorded history carried a female name. But Katrina’s wrath and fury was shadowed by the devastation of the aftermath.
It was not the storm itself, but rather the aftereffects of the storms power. The ripples caused by Mother Nature’s
proverbial stone toss in the water. And I look back at these last 13 months and see nothing but a sea of devastation
and heartache and anger and contempt and major disappointment. In retrospect, I deserve a lot worse than what I got
tonight.
And it doesn’t matter that the intentions were never malicious or deliberate. It doesn’t matter that at the time
I could not foresee the turn of events that would lead me here. It doesn’t matter that there was genuine sincerity on
my part. What matters is the end result. What matters are the eventual and real consequences of my actions.
What matters is that no matter how I try to spin it, I am at fault, I am responsible and I am an asshole of titanic magnitude.
And as I look back now I see the pattern of selfishness and stubbornness that has strewn lots of laughs but significantly
more tears.
So I wrap up this entry with the only thing left that I can do. Apologize. And yes, I am sure this is more
to make myself feel better, and I am sure it will be received with “Yeah, whatever!” contempt by its intended recipients.
But after the beat down I took this evening, and I’m telling you it was a kick to the heart and the soul, I don’t have
anything more to give. I feel utterly defeated and wondering if I even want to pick myself up off the mat after this.
So……..
To Alex, I am so very sorry.
To Susie, I am so very sorry.
To Laurie, I am so very sorry.
To Michelle, I am so very sorry.
To Lee………..Words cannot even begin to describe how sorry I am for hurting you.
To everyone else, I am sorry that I have used this forum for airing out my dirty laundry and making you a part of my soap
opera life. I don’t see myself making anymore posts after this. I don’t see myself doing much of anything after
this, except licking my wounds and knowing that I not only deserve what I am feeling, but so much more.
….goodbye, everyone.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
The Great Debate
I’d like to offer up a debate. Is there a difference between loving someone and being in love with them? If
you tell someone “I love you”, is that different from “I’m in love with you”? I think so. But I know the answer
to this question depends significantly on your individual perspective and life experiences, and I have a very unique point
of view on the matter.
My life has been turned around and upside down because I fell in love with someone.
The problem is I fell in love with her while I was married to someone else. Someone with whom I was in love a long time
ago and still love today. Even though my wife and I have since split (please see the aforementioned being in love with
someone else), I still love her…..and I know I always will.
How can I not? She is the mother of my children.
Every time I look at my daughter I see her. She was my first love. She was the one I “grew up with” so to speak.
We met in high school, started dating at the end of Senior Year (prom was our first date), and we dated for seven years before
we got married. In a way, we rushed into adulthood and skipped over being young, reckless and stupid and all those things
you’re supposed to do in your twenties. It’s no surprise to say that is part of the reason our marriage reached a plateau
and I found myself looking for, and falling for, someone else.
So now I am single and old and reckless and stupid.
OK, 32 isn’t necessarily old, but man do I FEEL old. And in the course of being reckless, I allowed myself to enter
into new relationships since my wife and I split up. Some of these relationships were very brief (like that dinner that
lasted exactly 60 minutes from the time we sat down to the time I signed the receipt). Other relationships were just
a bit longer than that.
One in particular is the reason I am making this entry. I never told you what happened
to the person with whom I fell in love. Suffice it to say I explain my situation this way. “There is a reason I am no
longer married ……… and she’s at home with her husband.” So in my quest to ‘get over’ this small detail, I found
myself in a new relationship. A new, deep, serious relationship. That new, deep, serious relationship I told myself
I would not fall into. But life is what it is and there I was.
This new person in my life is funny, intelligent
and very down to earth. She is one of the most real persons I have ever met, and we met, believe it or not, online.
On our first date there was an immediate spark. There was energy and a connection that made me think to myself “WOW!”
Our waitress came up to her while I stepped away for a second and told her, “I wish my boyfriend was as affectionate and loving
with me as yours is to you.” Her laugh filled response was, “That’s not my boyfriend. We just met.”
She
and I shared a lot and experienced a lot together. From movies in the theater to movies on the couch. From Sister Hazel
concerts to Norah Jones on my iPod. From dinner at nice restaurants to grilled cheese sandwiches at her place. There was this
connection that is hard to explain, and what began as a NSA relationship evolved into something wonderful and exciting and
rewarding. It took me a while before I could admit it, but I love her. I love her smile and her laugh and her
affection. I love her dark sense of humor and her warm and enduring heart. I would be an idiot to not take her
hand and never look back.
The kicker is that through all of this I have tried to be honest with myself and honest
with my feelings. I have no problem admitting that I love this new person in my life and I care for her deeply, but
…………… I am not in love with her. At one point I tried to convince myself that I was, but I know what being in love feels
like for me and it just wasn’t there with her. It was close, but it wasn’t complete.
If you have read
my previous blog entries (and I appreciated the three of you that have) you will have already figured this out. You
already know that I am still in love with “the reason”, and I can’t let go of the idea of a life with her. Remember
the reckless and stupid part? Maybe everyone is right. Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I am being played.
Maybe my delusions are so enormous, they cloud my ability to appreciate and take advantage of something great that is right
there in front of me.
But I don’t think so. I sit here knowing what I know and feeling what I feel and
believing in my heart that all of this is worth it. I believe my dreams will be realized. I believe there is a
happy ending for me in all of this, even though it’s at the expense of others. But one thing is for certain. This
last paragraph is definitely debatable.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Looking Back
I received some tragic news this evening. My friend’s wife, someone who has been battling cancer for the last couple
of years, is on her deathbed. As I am typing this, I am not sure if she is still alive.
I really don’t know in which direction I want to go with this entry. I was thinking about making it about me and
my feelings about losing my dad last year…..but I won’t. I was thinking about all my friends who have lost or are in
danger of losing a loved one to cancer. I will not write about them, but rather continue to say a prayer for them
and their family.
Instead, I think I will make this entry a tribute to my friend’s wife. I will not disclose any names out of courtesy
and respect to my buddy and his family. I’m not sure if he will ever get around to reading this, but nevertheless I
don’t want to impose on his privacy.
When faced with a situation that results from tragedy and loss it is normal behavior to reflect on things we would do
differently. What would we change, and do we have any regrets? I do. I regret not getting to know my
friend’s wife better.
I first met her over two years ago. She and her husband came to my house to watch the National Championship game
between UM and Ohio State. I am sure she walked away from that experience thinking I was an obnoxious ‘Canes fan (isn’t
that redundant?), and wondering how she could be married to someone who chooses to associate himself with me. I did
not see her again until just a couple of months ago, and by this time she looked very tired from her numerous treatments and
her ongoing battle with a cancer that refused to stop spreading.
I look back now and realize that I missed out on the opportunity to get to know someone truly special. I can say
this because of what I see in everyone that knows her. I see it in the man my friend is because of her. I see
it in the overwhelming sadness that envelopes those individuals who are close to her. I won’t ever know what her impression
of me is, but I wish I could tell her how much I admire her, even given the fact I met her only twice.
She and my friend have raised two amazing girls, both of which are young teenagers now. Everyone you meet who knows
my friend’s wife will tell you how wonderful she is. They will tell you how strong she has been through her battles
with cancer. They will tell you how loving and giving she has always been. Heck, it takes a special type of person
to be a nurse, and my friend’s wife is special among special people.
It’s truly my loss that I never took the time to get to know her. It’s truly my loss for taking for granted the
idea of tomorrow, and the idea of death is always sobering like that. We allow fears and thoughts of being uncomfortable
to push aside that which is important. We fool ourselves into thinking we can take care of it tomorrow, only to see
tomorrow become next month or even next year. We hide behind vagueness because specificity can be painful, not only
to ourselves but also to others.
But specificity can also be tremendously rewarding if we are willing to make the time and make it happen. I wrote
last November about happiness and said, “…if you find something or someone that makes you happy, cherish it, celebrate it
and hold on tight. Let it captivate you. Never be afraid to be happy, and never be ashamed to pursue that which
brings happiness into your life.” That feels so very true tonight. The idea of death can be sobering like that.
To my friend, I pray that God gives you the strength and resolve to make it through this tragic time.
I can’t even begin to imagine what it is you are feeling, and I want to remind you that whatever you need, don’t hesitate
to ask. We are all here for you and your family, and we all love you.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Comebacks
My Miami Dolphins opened the 2005 NFL season today with a win at home against the Denver Broncos. The Dolphins
and the Broncos are two franchises known for their Hall of Fame quarterbacks, Dan Marino and John Elway, and both these legends
are known for their fourth-quarter comeback heroics. With Marino, I have so many wonderful memories of Dan driving the Dolphins
back late for a heart stopping win, more often than not against the Jets. With Elway, I only have two things to say…..“The
Drive”.
Comebacks are a part of sports. Comebacks are always celebrated as a display of athletic and mental will to overcome
odds and adversity and emerge victorious. Comebacks remind us that anything is possible, no matter how dire the situation
appears to be. If ever there was a day in sports when comebacks truly meant something, it was today.
Four years ago today, the United States was forever changed as a result of terrorist attacks on our home soil.
New York City and Washington D.C. were forever scarred by tragedy and horror. Two weeks ago today, Hurricane Katrina
was preparing to bring its fury to New Orleans and the Mississippi gulf coast. As was the case with September 11th and
Hurricane Katrina, the local areas were left devastated and the rest of the country left in shock.
So is it simple irony that on the NFL's opening day, the teams from New York, Washington and New Orleans
managed a victory, or were the football gods just doing their thing? Yes, I know the Jets lost, but it’s always a good thing
when the Jets lose <grin>. But seriously, the Saints managed their victory in dramatic fashion, kicking the game
winning field goal in the closing seconds of the contest. Add to that last night’s thrilling, come-from-behind victory for
the LSU Tigers, and the fact that today JP Losman, a Tulane grad, picked up a win with the Bills, and it’s more proof that
the football gods are indeed working to bring emotional relief to the victims of Katrina.
Sports will not solve the problems of the thousands of people still reeling from the pain of September 11 and Hurricane
Katrina, but for a very brief moment, it can make this pain less intense. For a couple of hours, it can make the overwhelming
feelings of despair and loss go away. I agree that these are just games, and in comparison to the tragedies brought
on by hate and nature, they are insignificant. However, they are vital when you consider how these games remind us how
the human spirit can and often does prevail when faced with adversity.
Like the citizens of New York and Washington, the folks of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama (and all other areas impacted
by Katrina) will make their own comeback and overcome their hardships and losses. And unlike the professional athletes
we watch on TV, the clock will never run out on the survivors of these tragedies. There is no third out or final point.
Their comeback is a continual work in progress, and the least we can do is pray for them to remain strong and help them
in any way we can. For it is in displaying our human spirit that we are all winners.
Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Disappointment
Two missed field goals and a botched snap on a third. Kyle Wright taking a sack, one of ten I might add, instead
of throwing the ball out of the end zone on 2nd and goal. Mental mistakes that lead to the use of all three timeouts
in the third quarter. Coach Larry Coker and the Miami Hurricanes will look back on Monday night’s game against
FSU and know they let one get away.
Yes, I am going to be the first person to say it. The better team did not win on Monday. Florida State did
not beat Miami. Anyone who watched the game or reads the box score will tell you that. But at the end of the night,
the only statistic that is important is the one regarding points scored, and as Monday night almost became Tuesday morning,
FSU had three more points than my beloved Canes. And everyone in South Florida was left disappointed.
Disappointment itself is an interesting concept. Disappointment exists only because we celebrate and cherish qualities
in life such as ambition, determination and dreams. We encourage our kids to think big and strive to be great.
We plan our futures and look ahead to new and exciting moments in our lives. And because we do so, we open the door
to that deflating feeling that is disappointment.
Do you think that people who chose to live their lives in mediocrity experience much disappointment? Do you believe
people who accept their lots in life feel bad when things do not go their way? So why is it then that we allow ourselves
to take Casey Kasem’s advice and “keep reaching for the stars”? I can’t help but think of that line in the Gin Blossoms
song Hey Jealousy. “And if you don’t expect too much from me / You might not be let down.” Disappointment …..
a by product of wanting to be great.
Getting back to the game, it’s interesting how such little things can lead to such great disappointment. The failure
to spin the ball so the laces face out on the field goal attempt. The failure to make an interception when the ball
hits you right in the hands. The failure to pick up a blitzing linebacker. Take away any one of those mistakes
and the outcome may have been different. But that statement holds true for every athletic game ever played, and just
about everything we do in life.
But just because disappointment exists, it does not mean you don’t’ keep trying. Believe me, I am the poster boy
of that statement. Try and try again and again and again. My dad hated the saying, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join
‘em.” Instead he would say, with an imperative tone that was nothing if not absolute, “If you can’t beat ‘em, keep trying!”
But who or what am I trying to beat? The odds? The circumstances? The naysayers? Why do I allow
myself to be continuously disappointed? My failure does not stem from an opponent on the other side of the field, but
rather from the apparently futile idea of believing in someone else. Some would say there is a clinical pattern
of behavior in what I have been and am currently doing. Placing my hopes, desires and ambitious in the hands, and heart,
of someone else is, to say the least, risky and consequentially unhealthy. Yet I fall down only to wince in agony, brush
myself off, and do it all over again.
……and if you don’t expect too much from her, you might not be let down.
Disappointment. It’s sad and ironic and has become a part of life for me. A staple of my emotional diet.
The sad part is that I have created disappointment in so many other people’s lives as a result. The ironic part is that
all I wanted was to be great.
The Canes will bounce back, and I believe they will contend for the national title. As for my spirit, I know there
is less and less bounce to be found. Each fall is harder and harder, and after a while you just kinda’ get numb to it
all. I don’t know what would be more disappointing, missing out on your dream or simply not caring anymore.
Thursday, September 1, 2005
For Granted
Today was a very special day for me. I wish I could tell you it was because of something great like a promotion
at work, or because something I wrote was published. But my special occasion has nothing to do with fame or material
wealth. It has nothing to do with my kids or my job. Today was a special day because of a phone call.
Actually it was two phone calls, one placed and one received, and the nature of both stemming from the tragedy caused
by Hurricane Katrina. The outgoing call was to a friend of mine from high school. She sent an e-mail wanting to know if anyone had information
on a former teacher of ours who lives in New Orleans. I happened to know that our mutual friend was safe in northwest
Louisiana, so I gave her a call. I had not seen her since our 10 year reunion 5 years ago, (Holy crap! I’ve been out
of high school for 15 years?!?! Damn I’m getting old!) and we used the next 40 minutes to get caught up.
Not more than an hour after I hung up with her I received a call from out of the blue from an old work friend.
His name is Mark and he was my buddy when he was living here in Florida. We both started at GTE at about the same time,
we had kids at about the same time, and we did just about everything together. The first time I ever played golf was
with Mark. The first time I got shit faced drunk in Ybor City was with Mark. The first time I took a shower with
another man was with ………. actually, I was drunk then, too, so I am not exactly sure with whom the shower was.
But I digress.
Both calls got me to thinking about how easily we allow ourselves to take things in life for granted. And unfortunately,
and more often then not, it is the most precious and dear things in our lives which are first to be cast by the wayside.
Parents, spouses and lifelong friends. We know they will always be there for us, so we shrug when reminded of how long
it’s been since we make the time to say hello and tell them how much we appreciate them. “The game is on right now.
Ehhhhhhh. I’ll just call her tomorrow.”
This leads me to think of the song “Right Now” by Van Halen, and how on their live CD Sammy Haggar quips to the crowd,
“…tomorrow might not never come!” Sammy’s improper grammar aside, he and the song make a great point. “Don't wanna
wait 'til tomorrow / Why put it off another day? / One by one, little problems / Build up, and stand in our way”. Tomorrow
is not guaranteed. Tomorrow is not written in stone. Tomorrow may indeed never come for many of us. Just
turn on CNN and you’ll know exactly what I mean.
I am really going to try and avoid a barrage of clichés right now, but life is short and we all need to seize the day
when we can. Strike when the iron is hot. We need to find the strength to follow our hearts and do what we think,
feel and believe is right. Even if it’s something as simple as picking up the phone and telling a friend, “I just wanted
to hear your voice and say hello.” Even if it’s as complex as taking a deep breath and changing your life forever.
Because when you stop and think about it, tomorrow is nothing more than a belief.
And on that note, I'll catch y’all tomorrow…….
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