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...Something For When You're Bored!
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My Blog
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I started keeping this blog as an attempt to make lemonade with the lemons life tossed my way.
Coincidentally, some entries are a bit more sour than others.
The blog entries keep coming, as do the death threats and bags of poo on fire on my door step.
It's been well over three years since my first posting, and all I can say is, "I can't believe you keep coming back!"
But seriously, thank you all for the continued support, encouragement and inspiration. I
hope you all keep reading, keep smiling, and keep cashing those bribe checks I've been sending.
For all you newcomers, thank you for taking the time. I hope you enjoy the nonsense that rattles
around in my head. Oh, BTW ..... don't forget to sign my guestbook!
Please note the blog entries are listed in reverse chronological order.
To view previous entries to my blog, please follow the date links at the bottom of this page. Thanks.
Want to be automatically notified of updates to this
page? Click here.
Click here to see me hard at work.
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Friday, October 28, 2005
Thoughts on Love
I sat down this evening thinking I was going to write a poem about love. I was having a conversation yesterday
and I found my words were just flowing, almost poetically. I remember thinking how this ‘concept’ in my head would make
for a good poem.
But as I sat down to write, I just felt compelled to put structure around the ‘concept’. I see now that in no small
part, I use the blog entries to frame my thoughts and feelings. I write to put my emotions in context and try to present
them in the right light. And that’s how I feel now about what I want to write.
Believe me. Nothing I write is random. I can’t imagine that anything that anyone writes, from a novelist
to a columnist to a kid on the high school yearbook staff, no written work is ever arbitrarily random. It is evoked
by need, desire, circumstance and experience. It is formulated by thought, idea and emotion. It is expression,
and that’s what I want to do tonight with this entry. Be expressive.
Specifically, I want to express my opinion on love. The key word here is opinion. You may agree or disagree.
You may like or not like what I write, but the fact of the matter is that there is nothing truly factual about love.
Love itself is a concept that is individually developed by all people and, like the aforementioned works of writing, completely
dependant on circumstances.
I do not believe there are any absolute truths when it comes to love, with the exception that it does exist in our lives.
Love has no shape or form. Love is not bound by time and space. Love transcends all of our understandings
of life on earth and our existence in the universe.
Love cannot be bound by parameters. Love cannot be scheduled or constrained. Love cannot be held back or
bottled. Love is more elusive than air, yet monumentally more important. Love is an endless horizon. Love
is ever expansive. Love cannot be understood, but rather felt.
Love without appreciation is not love. Love without respect is not love. Love begets adoration and admiration.
Love begets pride and joy. Love allows us to smile in the face of adversity and cry in moments of complete happiness.
Love is balance is our lives. Love is turning your life around and helping someone turn around theirs. Love is
strength in the darkness and serenity in the light.
Love is the dimple that is visible only when she smiles. Love is a set of eyes that speaks louder than a rally
leader with a megaphone. Love is a whisper in the middle of the night. Love is a phone call first thing in the
morning. Love is a touch, a caress, a hug. Love is a kiss.
Love is what you make it, and what makes you.
Love is God.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Little Blessings
You’ve heard it all before. ‘Silver Linings’ and ‘Blessings in Disguise’. I think maybe I will come up with
a variation on the latter. How does ‘Divinity Incognito’ sound? No matter how you slice it, there is always a
cliché for the good things, no matter how little, that comes out of a bad situation. Just ask my mom. She’s the
queen of clichés, and I think I can write an entire entry just about her catch phrases. <Hmmm. Note to self….>
Today was no exception. Unless you live under a rock, you are aware these past 14 months have been choc-full-a
hurricane activity, especially for those of us here in Florida. I like to think it is Mother Nature’s metaphorical analogy
to my personal life, but I digress. Today I worked from home as a result of Hurricane Wilma’s pass thru the wind-blown
state. The meteorological equivalent of a drive by. I was not sure what to expect, exactly, as the storm tore
through Southern Florida, but to play it safe I stayed at home.
Apparently, most of Tampa Bay did as well, with all schools and most offices closed as a precaution.
As it turns out, my kids came to spend the day with me since their mother had to go into work. So what I thought would
be a doomy and gloomy day of working from my home office – I chuckle when I say that, and if you have seen my apartment you
know why – turned out to be quite an active day for Mr. Mommy.
So between answering e-mail, replying to voice mails and helping my son finish the Darth Maul level on the Lego Star
Wars video game (only one of the best video games ever!), the true blessing was in getting to spend time with my kids.
Time I would normally not have had with them if not for the hurricane. Topping that was the fact the day, which started
as wet, cold and windy, turned out to be just gorgeous. Around 12:30 the skies just completely cleared, the sun came
out, and the breeze, although gusty at times, was calming and soothing. I decided to take a break in the late afternoon
and just take a walk with my kids.
My children love exploring the various aspects of the landscaping around my apartment complex, and took to hiding underneath
the fanning leaves of a short palm tree. They had to climb about a foot and a half of landscaping stone to get to their
‘hideout’ spot, and watching them just brought back memories of me as a rough and tumble kid. Then suddenly, Natalie
shrieked and jumped down from her play spot. “Bees, Daddy! I saw bees.” Sure enough, on the underside of one of
the branches was a wasp hive.
I need to clarify that my son Daniel is anaphylactic. When stung by insects (mosquitoes, ants, etc.), his body
reacts in a significantly more severe manner than would a child with normal tolerance to insect bites. I have no idea
as to how he would react to a wasp sting, and I hope I never have to find out. Common sense would dictate that it would
not be good, and in the worst of cases it could be life-threatening.
Some may chalk up Natalie’s heads-up eyesight to dumb luck. Not me. This was God looking out for my kids.
This was an angel directing my daughter’s vision to a potential danger. This was Divinity Incognito. And when
it was all said and done, the only thing left for me to do was look up at Heaven, give thanks, and fully appreciate everything
with which God has blessed me.
Just before I sat down to write this entry, I got word from a friend of mine that her mom is not well. The situation
is not pretty, and my friend was quite upset. We spoke for a little bit, but there was no obvious resolution to her
mother’s situation. We’d just have to wait and see.
There is no explaining why things happen the way they do. Maybe it’s to remind us that each person’s path is different.
Maybe it’s to remind us that sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first before we can try and take care of someone
else. Maybe it’s to show us that no matter what the history or circumstance, you can always count on friendship.
Maybe my mom was right all along. “No hay mal que por bien no venga.” There is no bad from which good does not
come. I believe this to be true, no matter how bad the bad.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Good Things Come...
The World Series starts tonight. In fact, I think it’s on right now, so I need to make this snappy. I am
very excited about this year’s Series for several reasons. First of all, neither of the teams playing is called the
Yankees or the Red Sox. Hurray for that! Secondly, there is so much intrigue around the historical sub-plots in this match
up.
This is the first World Series appearance for the Houston Astros in franchise history. They began play on April
10, 1962 (they were the Colt .45’s back then), which makes tonight an event 15,672 days in the making. That’s nothing
if you look at the team in the other dugout. The Chicago White Sox last played a World Series game on October 8, 1959
(16,574 days), and have not hoisted a championship trophy since October 15, 1917 (31,687 days). Yes, that’s a looooooong
time!
On a similar note, the second baseman for the Astros is Craig Biggio. He’s been in the league for 18 seasons, and
this is his first trip to the World Series. That translates to 2,564 games, or 6,236 days. Can you FEEL the theme?
So before I do my typical segue to tie all of this into my personal life, I need to give a shout out to the Alabama Crimson
Tide. Their football team beat the Tennessee Volunteers today for the first time in Tuscaloosa since 1930. You
guessed it, that’s 27,004 days.
There are 330 days in 11 months. It was exactly 11 months between my proverbial ‘Day 1’ and ‘Day 2’. I know
that may not make a whole lot of sense to you, but it really does to me. The fact is that there are times when
you have to tolerate the ups and downs of life in order to realize a dream or to achieve a goal. As much as I hate to
admit it, there is a lot of truth to the saying ‘Good things come to those who wait.’ I am by no means a patient person,
but being a parent and having lived through this past year has forced me to be patient.
You can’t hurry fate. You can’t rush destiny. And all of this plays into the phrase ‘Everything happens for
a reason.’ Is it cliché’? Yes. Is it used as a panacea for when things get tough? Absolutely! Is it
true? ……. I have to believe it is. I DO believe it is. And I believe that just like in sports, where winning begets
winning and phrases like ‘playoff experience’ actually means something, the gap between ‘Day 2’ and ‘Day 3’ will be significantly
less than 330 days. There are moments in your life that are defining, and those lead not to more ‘moments’, but rather
to the ‘life’ for which you’ve always been searching.
Here’s hoping you always keep the faith, and that you keep counting the days until your dream becomes a reality.
I know I will, one day at a time.
Friday, October 14, 2005
I Am ......... Blessed
I would be lying if I said that I do not find inspiration for my blog entries from movies. It’s been quite a while
since I have been compelled to write after watching a film, probably because I have ignored my NetFlix membership for the
better part of two months now. Yet I find it fitting that I just now got around to watching the one movie that was shipped
to me on August 1. Yes, AUGUST 1! Sure I’ve been lazy, busy, whatever……. but I think I know why coincidence let
me sit on this movie until now.
In the past several months, I have written about women in my life and all the trials and tribulations that have come with
these relationships. I have made mention of reserving a spot at the top of my list for a special someone. I have
apologized to a long list of individuals, some willing to forgive and others eager to forget. I have talked about the
heartache I have faced and the corresponding heartache I have created. And I realized tonight that I have failed to
make one point perfectly clear.
At the end of every business case there is usually a section or index reserved for assumptions. These are items that
‘go without saying’. An assumptions section is a way to formally state the obvious just to ensure that all parties involved
are on the same page. No surprises, no show stoppers. What you see is what you get.
Then is should go without saying that the single most important woman in my life is not my KML. It’s not my ex-wife
Alexandra or my friend Leelee. It’s not my mom (because that would be just a little to Norman Bates-ish!), and it’s
not any women I have met over the past 13 months. When it comes to double-X’ers, the only one I know that I absolutely
cannot live without is my baby girl Natalie.
I can’t believe I have not written about her before. I mean, I know I have, but I really have not written
about her. I have not taken the time to put into words, or attempt to at least, the thoughts, feelings and emotions
I feel when I look into my daughter’s eyes. I won’t even try because it’s something that cannot be explained.
It’s spectacularly rewarding yet universally humbling at the same time. It’s everything you never imagined you could
possibly feel.
And I feel I never wrote about her in detail because in my mind it was, and always will be, understood that there is nothing
of greater importance to me than my kids. I know I have been quoted as saying that part of me loves them because I have
to (as a parent). But I have to love them because loving them means living life. Looking into Natalie’s eyes,
holding her so perfectly in my arms, hearing her sweet, innocent voice say, “I love you, daddy.” …….THAT’S
what it’s all about. That is the meaning of life. To be loved by your soulmate is incredible, but to be
loved by a child …. by YOUR child …. goes beyond spiritual. Like I said, I cannot even begin to properly describe it.
My Natalie turned six this past Wednesday (10/12). So it’s no surprise that fate and circumstance delayed me from
watching the movie I Am Sam until just now. It served as a reminder that there is nothing more special and
important than a parent’s love for her/his child. More specifically, a father’s love of his daughter. Not that
I needed to be reminded, but I did need that little karmic push to proclaim it to the world.
Natalie ….. baby girl. I love you without limits. No wall can hold back my love and adoration of you.
No army can defeat the strength I find in my love of you and my responsibility to you. No ocean can contain the volume
of emotions I carry in my heart for you. You are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are compassionate, and you are
a gift from God. You are my daughter, and I am so proud of the little lady you have become and the glorious woman you
will be in the future. I am so blessed to call you my own, and to have the ability to shout this fact out to anyone
who will listen (or in this case, read). And I am truly blessed to be able to tell you everyday how much I love you.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Dogging It
I was introduced today to the concept of dogging. Not literally introduced! Remember, my mom may read this!
What I mean is that I was asked if I had ever heard of the phrase ‘dogging’. For some reason I thought it had something
to do with hip-hop or acting like a gangsta’. “Yo. Let’s bounce, Dawg!”
Instead, and much to my pleasantly aroused surprise, the term dogging refers to the trend of having sex in a public place
while others watch. I swear I am not making this up! Now, if you have read my recap of my trip to Key West, you already know my opinion on sex in public. But I really think this is taking it all just a bit too far ……. maybe.
I guess it all depends on the relationship you have with your special someone. It also depends on the boundaries
you set with your partner in terms of sex, intimacy and ‘sharing’. Personally, I think I would fail miserably at dogging.
Performance anxiety aside, I just think the pressure to do your best and the knowledge that deep down inside your audience
is critiquing your every move; I don’t think I would be able to perform – with or without the help of magic pills.
But dogging can also refer to doing something half-assed, as I did on my last entry (A Little Note). I posted two
quotes I received without making any reference whatsoever to the source of the quotes. The reason for which I posted
them is very personal, but given this is somewhat of a public forum, it was irresponsible of me to allow the quotes
to perhaps be interpreted as original works of mine.
Thankfully, both quotes are credited to that great, literary giant Anonymous (aka Author Unknown). It’s my understanding
that Anonymous does not accept royalties for her work (only the brilliance of a woman’s mind can produce time and time again
such an eclectic library of quotes), so I am happy knowing that I just saved myself a couple of bucks.
As I was getting dogged for my haphazard posting, I was asked how I would feel if someone stopped reading my blog because
they realized what I wrote was not my own. I’ve mentioned before that I write for me AND I write for you.
I love the idea of people reading my entries and providing their feedback, both positive and negative. I wouldn’t go
as far to say that I would be devastated if someone would stop reading, but it definitely would be sad.
So, to Ms. Anonymous, my apologies for not giving you the mad props you deserve. The first quote I was able
to find on QuoteGarden. The second I found on a GeoCities site dedicated to, you guessed it, quotes. And since I’m at it, I liked this quote from the GeoCities site, also credited
to Ms. Anonymous. “Guys are like stars, there are a million but only one can make your dreams come true.”
Twinkle twinkle, baby. *
*The phrase “Twinkle twinkle, baby” is taken from the movie Be Cool starring John Travolta and Vince
Vaughn. Per IMDB, the screenplay for Be Cool (2005) was written by Peter Steinfeld, although the novel was written by
Elmore Leonard and first published in 2002.
Monday, October 10, 2005
A Little Note
Around You, I Lose Myself
Away From You, I Find Myself Wanting To Be Lost Again Kiss Me And You'll See Stars Love
Me And I'll Give Them To You
Saturday, October 8, 2005
A Touch of Validation
I was really hoping to move the subject matter of my blog entries away from my personal thoughts and feelings and towards
more light-hearted and/or opinionated writing (e.g. Dave Barry). But that’s the funny thing about inspiration.
You can’t really fight it when you get a compelling feeling in your gut to express yourself. Some people do so by painting
or singing or making something special. Me? I write.
And so it is with a fair amount of joy that I write this entry. I was recently given a booklet called “You Have
What it Takes”. It’s written by John Eldredge and it very succinctly sums up what every father needs to know.
The message of the 51 page booklet is simple. Every boy longs to know, “Do I have what it takes?” Every girl,
on the other hand, longs to know, “Am I lovely?” And it is primarily the role of the dad to answers these questions
for his children. To quote directly from the booklet:
Mother is love and tenderness and mercy. She is a picture of the heart of God. But identity – especially
gender identity – is bestowed by the father. A boy learns if he is a man, if he has what it takes, from his dad.
A girl learns if she is worth pursuing, if she is lovely, from her dad.
This book was very validating to me. In many ways, I already knew this. I knew this because of the father
my dad was to me. He always told me there is nothing I can’t do. He always believed in me, and if you’ve read
my eulogy of him you would already know this. I also knew the importance of validating a daughter’s sense of beauty and self worth.
The funny thing is I learned most of that lesson as a result of the friendships and relationships I made with various women
this past year. I am not saying that every woman I met has ‘daddy issues’, but rather in listening to them I understand
and see clearly the impact a father has on his daughter.
I wrote about this last March in an entry called ‘Second Guessing’. And I still feel now the way I felt then.
To quote myself <boy is this weird>, “I know I am not perfect, but I think I am a great dad. ….. Being
a dad is an honor and a privilege, and as challenging as it can be, it is also incredibly rewarding.” Reading this booklet
reaffirms this for me, for I know I try very hard to tell my son he has what it takes and to tell my daughter that she is
lovely.
I would be remissed if I did not take this opportunity to thank the person that gave me this book. It was part
of a gift ‘package’ that I will forever cherish. The package included two books, the second being another John Eldregde
book called “The Sacred Romance”, a Superman t-shirt, a card, and one of the most heartfelt letters I have ever received.
Just to clarify, the Superman shirt is symbolic of me being a hero to my kids, and I wore that shirt with immense pride as
I spent the day with them today.
Leelee, thank you for the gifts, thank you for your friendship, but most importantly thank you for your forgiveness.
After reading this book, I do see things more clearly now, and I feel I have a better understanding of what you have been
trying to tell me all along. I want you to know that even after all we’ve been through, I know and I believe that you
are lovely, you are worth pursuing and you are worth fighting for. Instead of rehashing it all, I am going to defer
to your boy Drew. “They say that love is in the timing / There’s a time to love for us all / But then I missed it by
a season / Mine was summer, and maybe hers will be next fall.”
Like I’ve told you before, you’re an angel. Lose yourself in your romance with God, and find strength in your faith in
Him and in the love of your friends. Lifelong......
Thursday, October 6, 2005
Still Debatable
I am reposting my entry “The Great Debate” (09-24-05) for a couple of reasons. First, I was told by someone who did
read it that it is very good and that it finally tells my story. My entire story. Secondly, upon re-reading
it I do have to agree that it’s one of the pieces I enjoyed writing. So, there you have it.
I don’t consider this entry you’re reading to be an entry per se’. Just a clarification of events given the sequence
in which my blogs appear.
Finally, I want to mention a great line I heard today in talking to a buddy of mine. “Life is in the action, not
the intent.” Amen, brother!
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
Seduction on South Beach
We stood there Monday morning, bags in hand, staring across the street at the tranquility of the water. The smooth,
salty air gently caressed our face. The sun was warm and inviting. The hangover was just starting to set in.
“Want to stay one more day?” I asked my buddy Jeff. A shit-eating, semi-orgasmic grin came to his face. “Yeah………right!”
We had already stayed one more day then planned, but let’s start at the beginning.
Several weeks ago, my buddies who are USF alum began planning a trip to Miami for the USF – UM football game. Why
they would torture themselves by traveling to see their beloved Bulls lose to my Canes is beyond me, except for those magic
words …… South Beach! “Dude, we’ll stay on South Beach and PAAAARRRRR-TAAAAAYY!!!!” Chuck is not a top selling
sales guy for nothing. That’s all I needed to hear to be sold on the idea of a weekend road trip with the fellas.
We rounded up the usual suspects, I threw in a new guy to further distribute costs, and we were set. Six guys on
a weekend getaway to the land of sun, surf and saline stuffed spheres that can make you cry. Oh it was on, baby!
I was in charge of hotel arrangements. Nothing too expensive, but nothing crappy either. As luck would have it,
I managed to score us two rooms at the Clevelander hotel, right in the heart of South Beach.
I could probably go on forever writing about all the places we went, all the alcohol we drank and all the money we spent,
but I don’t think I have fully functioning brain cells to do the trip justice. What I will mention is that we were supposed
to drive back on Sunday morning. Well, that is until one of my buddies was personally asked to stay one more night.
Man, we are such suckers to a pout, the batting of eyelashes and an electric smile. At the time the request was
made – which was sometime between late Saturday night and early Sunday morning – the initial answer was, “Of course!
Yeah, that will be cool. No problem.” But once I managed to wake up later that morning, I was like, “Umm… sorry,
dude, but we’re not staying.”
Have you ever come home to a dog that got caught doing something wrong? You know that sad, pathetic, tragic look
the dog shoots you as if to say, “Please don’t drop kick me out the window”? Well, that’s the look my buddy gave me
when I told him we weren’t staying. But after the crying and ass-kissing subsided, he brought up a very good point.
Why was I in such a rush to leave? Why was it important to stick to plans? “Dude”, he pleaded, “you’re the
one that is always talking about life being short. You are the one that is always saying we need to take chances and
experience life. You are the one that always tells me that I need to take more risks, be less conservative and
go for it. So help me go for it, because I can’t do this without you!” OK…..maybe he didn’t exactly say that last
part, but I defer to the many brain cells I left behind this weekend.
But his point was valid. I knew why I wanted to leave. I wanted to see my kids and get a good night’s sleep
and, most importantly, stop spending money. South Beach is amazingly fun, but it comes at a price. However, I
also knew why we had to stay. I’m not going to pretend that it wasn’t about him wanting to get laid. A large part
of it was. But at the same time, it was about seizing the moment and just saying, “F it! Let’s do it!”
South Beach can make you delirious like that. It’s very much like that seductive temptress that will fill your
spirit, use you, and leave you crying in the gutter. And once you wake up from your stupor you vow to never do that
again. That is, until you see her the next time. I really wanted to get home, but the idea of staying one more
night was very appealing….and so we did.
I’m sure I will regret it when I get my next credit card statement. There must be a rum shortage in Miami Beach
because that is the only thing that can explain why our drinks were so expensive. But in all seriousness, it’s great
to look back at one specific moment and know that when push came to shove, I lived up to the talk. It’s rewarding to
apply the theory to real life.
So we stood there on Monday morning, knowing we each had a total of 13 or so hours of sleep over three nights, and we
stared at the beach and the water and, of course, the ladies. “Want to stay one more day?” Man, was the idea tempting……..
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