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...Something For When You're Bored!
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My Blog
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I started keeping this blog as an attempt to make lemonade with the lemons life tossed my way.
Coincidentally, some entries are a bit more sour than others.
The blog entries keep coming, as do the death threats and bags of poo on fire on my door step.
It's been well over three years since my first posting, and all I can say is, "I can't believe you keep coming back!"
But seriously, thank you all for the continued support, encouragement and inspiration. I
hope you all keep reading, keep smiling, and keep cashing those bribe checks I've been sending.
For all you newcomers, thank you for taking the time. I hope you enjoy the nonsense that rattles
around in my head. Oh, BTW ..... don't forget to sign my guestbook!
Please note the blog entries are listed in reverse chronological order.
To view previous entries to my blog, please follow the date links at the bottom of this page. Thanks.
Want to be automatically notified of updates to this
page? Click here.
Click here to see me hard at work.
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Saturday, November 26, 2005
Convictions
I was 15 years old when I first heard of Edward R. Murrow. My teacher at the time told me that he always remembered
how to spell the word ‘tomorrow’ – was it 2 M’s or 2 R’s? – because Murrow was spelled with 2 R’s. I was quick to ask
him, “Who is Ed Murrow?”, and of course the "OMG, I’m old" look on his face was priceless.
Yet part of me wishes I was old enough to have witnessed what Edward Murrow did in his fight against McCarthyism in the
fifties. It took real courage and conviction to stand up to the modern day witch hunt against communism. A witch
hunt in which association was enough evidence to prove you guilty of being un-American. One can only imagine what someone
like Joseph McCarthy would think if he were alive today.
As you can tell by the intro to this blog entry, I recently saw the movie ‘Good Night, and Good Luck’. I really
enjoyed it. I loved how it was filmed in black & white, and how Clooney used stock footage of the McCarthy hearings
to make the film feel so real. But more importantly, I loved the underlying message of the movie.
I do not think this film is a period peace about McCarthyism. Rather, I think it’s a movie about having the courage
to stand up for your beliefs. Edward Murrow did just that, exposing what he felt were the injustices of the McCarthy
hearings, and how the zealous fervor of protecting our lives as Americans ironically is what threatened it the most.
And I found myself relating so much to Murrow, as depicted in this film, for his ‘stick-to-your-guns’ attitude about reporting
the truth.
I like to think my team at work thinks of me as the guy who will go to bat for them time and time again in order
to get something we need accomplished. I believe I am not afraid to push back or rock the boat. And if I don’t
succeed, it wasn’t because I didn’t try. There is a sense of accomplishment, even in failure, when you know in your
heart that you gave it your all. That you tired your best.
Which leads me to this question. How is it possible that people chose to live their lives in fear? How is
it that someone can just sit there and watch something bad happen and not so much raise a finger to stop it? I believe
the answer lies in fear itself. Fear of rocking the boat. Fear of being persecuted or labeled. Fear of being called
out our scrutinized. Fear of the unknown. So instead of listening to their heart and going with their gut, they
determine the safe road is better and decide to stay home with their heads buried in the sand.
I’ve written before that part of living is wanting to be great. I believe greatness is not found in the routine
of everyday. Greatness does not exist in the safety of "that's all I know". No, I believe that those who achieve
greatness are the ones that are not afraid to fail. The ones that are not afraid to stand up and stand out. The
ones that are not afraid to live. After all, you can’t have conformity without comfort, and I can’t think of anyone
who became great as a conformist.
Everyone has their own path to follow. Everyone has their own lives to lead and decisions to make. If you
truly want to be great, if you truly want to be alive, and if you truly want to experience happiness and accomplishment; then
allow yourself to follow your heart and not just do, but live what you believe in. To quote another historical figure,
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving Wishes
I wanted to take a moment and wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. This past year has been an exciting yet nauseating
roller coaster ride for me, and it’s one of those things where you feel torn between saying, “Get me the hell out of here!”
or “Let’s do that again!!”.
Whatever the decision may be, I offer you all this Thanksgiving Prayer, and I pray that you spend …err, I mean share....this
day with the people in your life that matter most to you. I hope you are where you want to be in heart, in mind, in
body and most importantly, in soul.
May God bless you on this special day, and may your holiday season be joyous and wonderful.
Lord,
You grant us life and implore us to set off on a journey, a journey which we undertake in your name and with your guidance.
We press forward knowing that life, and all its wonderful experiences, are found in this journey, and that although all our
individuals paths will vary, our ultimate destination is your kingdom in Heaven.
So as we sit and prepare to feast on this banquet which you have so lovingly granted us, we thank you not only for this
food, but also for everything else you have allowed us to experience on this great journey of ours. Not just the peaks,
but also the valleys. Not just the sunshine, but also the rain. Not just the moments of happiness, fulfillment
and joy, but also the darkness, sorrow and despair. For it is in the good times that we feel you most, and it is in
the bad times that we need you most. And it is in the journey that we live, learn and love. And it is in loving that
we celebrate this life which you have granted us.
For this and for all things you have created, we thank you.
Amen.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
A Reason for the Gibberish
I was reminded last night that I write my entries ‘in the moment’. For the most part this is true. They are,
after all, my thoughts at the time. And even though what I write one night may not be exactly how I feel the next morning,
I write it nonetheless knowing that it helps me to just get it out.
And Lord knows I have taken my fair share of heat for my thoughts, both written and implied. I have been both praised
and killed for being brutally honest. The truth is I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if you, the audience, agree
or disagree with what I write. I don’t care if you like or don’t like what I write. I don’t care if you find it
humorous or offensive. I write for myself first and foremost.
I know what you’re thinking. “What about all that ‘I write for you and for me’ crap?” OK. Good point.
If everyone stopped reading, I don’t know if I would keep writing. But maybe I would simply because writing, for me,
is therapeutic. It’s an engaging process. It’s a way to blow of steam without causing physical harm to anything
or anyone. Granted, there may be emotional casualties, but that door swings both ways.
Writing for me is an exercise of the brain. It’s fun to see if my fingers can keep up with the flood of thoughts
and images and ideas and frustrations that are fighting to escape from my head. It’s funny to see how hard I hit the
keys when I am really pissed, and sometimes it’s tough to type while continuously wiping away the tears.
And there are times, like now, when it’s hard to think because the feelings can be so overwhelming. I feel like
the mythological, Roman god Janus, which is often depicted with two faces looking in opposite directions. Janus is frequently
used to symbolize change and transitions such as the progression of past to future, or of one condition to another.
You feeling me on this?
I feel that my life is one, big paradox. I feel that I am the line that separates Yin from Yang. I look at my life
and think about how I want to go out, and eventually go home, with every relatively attractive woman that says hello; but
I don’t want to ‘date’ anyone. I want to pack my bags and move from Tampa, but I won’t because my kids are my world.
I want to move forward with my life, free of the pain and hurtful memories of the past 12 months; yet I don’t want to lose
the wonderful moments that accompany those painful thoughts. I want to change my ways and be different,
but different for what? Or better yet, for whom?
Part of me is too busy sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. The other part is saying, “Shut the F up and get your
ass in gear. Just move on. Just let go and move the F on.” I know, you’ve heard this all before. After
all this time, the song remains the same. Which is exactly why I write. Because some days are better than
others. Because some memories are sweeter than others. Because some decisions are much more devastating than others.
And because the reality is tough to deal with, and one of my ways of dealing with it is writing.
And as long as you are willing to deal with it and with me, I thank you again for reading.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Looking Back and Letting Go
I had the opportunity to spend a couple of days at home this past week. It was nothing very exciting except for
the fact my kids got to play and spend time with their cousins, and that’s always a good thing. But as stressful and
annoying as it can be at times to be with family, it was great to be home. And as you all know, home for me will always be
Miami.
Part of Miami’s public transportation network is the Metrorail, an elevated train system that basically encircles the
city. In previous trips home, my son would always comment on how he wanted to ‘ride the train’, and like most parents
pressed for time I would give him the obligatory answer of “maybe next time, buddy.” So there I found myself in Miami
with my kids and absolutely no plans whatsoever. I decided to fulfill that promise and take my kids for a ride on the
Metrorail.
As challenging and sometimes nerve-wracking as it was, it was loads of fun. I got to do something with my kids
that I was never able to do before, which was taking them on my own around the city. Just me, the kids and a pocket
full of change. They were very excited and, of course, thought that being high above the city in a train was the coolest
thing. For me, it brought back so many memories of how I used to get home from school after soccer practice every day.
But I also realized how parental I was with my kids. “Stay away from the edge of the track! Don’t touch that,
it’s dirty! Hurry up, we’re going to miss the train!”
I think back at how my parents would entrust me to get home on my own as a teenager, and I shudder at the thought of
exposing my kids to this type of environment on a daily basis. I look at all the stupid stuff I would do because we
were unsupervised, and I plan on how I will be able to use technology to keep tabs on my kids. I reflect on being young and
adventurous, yet all I want is for my kids to be conservative and safe. I guess that comes with the territory of being
a parent.
Or maybe it’s just part of life constantly changing. In the early eighties, the City of Miami had a tourism campaign
in which the slogan read, “Miami. See it like a Native.” Now, more that 20 years removed from those ads, I find
myself looking at my hometown as a visitor would. I marvel at all the new construction. I am amazed by the fancy
new federal courthouse and the full-length banner ads that drape the downtown office buildings. I curse the incessant
traffic and the imported maniacs that contribute to the gridlock.
But it’s foolish to think that things will always stay the same. After all, don’t we all secretly hope that today
will be different from yesterday? Don’t we plan on making New Year’s resolutions in anticipation that the upcoming year
will be brighter and better than the last? This brings me back to my kids. I sometimes think it would be great
if my little girl could stay six years old. “Don’t grow up” I tell her. “Stay young forever.” But I know
that’s impossible, and one day she and Daniel will indeed be all grown up. It will be their turn to move out and take
on the world on their own.
So it is with great hesitation that I concede that part of life is learning to let go. It’s being able to let go
of a city I knew once and accept that it is now a bigger and busier place. It is looking into the future knowing that
I will not be able to implant a GPS chip in my kids, and just accept the time will come when they will have their own choices
to make and responsibilities to keep. It is looking back at warm, wonderful memories and knowing they will forever be
in my past because there is no place for them in my present.
We all grow up, we all get old, and at one point or another we all have to let go of those things we never dreamed would
ever change. But time makes exceptions for no one, and all good things do eventually come to an end. We just need
to remind ourselves that sometimes we need to let go of the old in order to make room for the new.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
What a Year!
Today marks one year exactly since I started keeping this blog. I can’t believe 365 days have past
since my first entry, and to say that a lot has happened this past year would be an understatement. I also can’t believe that
since I took to blogging, I have made 97 entries, with this one being number 98.
As I look back to where I was this time last year, I laugh because my feelings then were somewhat similar to my feelings
now. That is, feelings of a wide open future. Feelings of an exciting tomorrow because there are so many unknowns
and so many new experiences to have.
As you already know, the past 365 days have been filled with drama, pain and tears. They have carried their fair
share of frustration, awkwardness and stupidity. They will forever be scarred with the dark colors of disappointment,
confusion and just a little bit of regret.
However, it wasn’t all bad. In fact, there are an equal number, if not more, of happy times that have occurred
in this same span of time. As I look back at the days that have passed since Alex and I split up (450 to be exact),
I want to focus on the good and positive things that have happened and leave the unhappy thoughts for a rainy day down the
road.
So in the spirit of my 98th entry, I have composed a list of the top 98 moments in the last 450 days. I know.
I know. It would be perfect if it could have been 100 moments in 365 days, but as we all know, life isn’t always perfect.
98. Riding my BMW R1100S off the lot
97. Carter’s birthday party
96. Drinks at O’Briens
95.
Summer camp talent show
94. Bible convention girls
93. Team build at CJ’s
92. Surfing the web at
Starbucks
91. Dinner at Remmington’s Steak House
90. Acropolis Bar
89. Miami beating New England
on MNF, 12/20/04
88. Breakfast at Waffle House at 4:00 AM
87. Dinner at Gator’s with Ron
86. College
football games at Scott’s
85. Coyote Ugly
84. Road trips with Bella
83. Oracle Open World party
82.
Monkey massaging my back
81. Dinner at Roadhouse Grill
80. Miami Heat playoff run
79. Drinks at
Tampa Ale House
78. Bucs - Niners Game, 2004
76. Christmas shopping with Lenny
75. My kids sleeping
over
74. Motorcycle trek from Sun City to Dade City
73. Drinks at the Diplomat Resort - Lauderdale
72.
Jet skiing at CJ’s
71. Sister Hazel concert - Gainesville
70. Thanksgiving dinner with Mikey’s family
69.
Salsa lessons at Hyde Park Cafe
68. Racquetball with Ralph
67. Breakfast at Village Inn - Pinellas
66.
Watching the NFL HOF Induction Ceremonies
65. The dog beach at Ft. De Soto
64. Trick or Treating with the
kids
63. The Dallas Bull
62. Long dinner conversation at Carraba’s
61. Homemade waffles at Miche’s
60.
Christmas dinner with Ralph and his family
59. Noodle Salad conversations
58. The booth/table at Blue Martini
57.
Super Bowl party at Eric’s
56. Leaving flowers for my dad on his birthday
55. Dirt bike riding at Croom
54.
The top level of TIA parking lot
53. Margaritas at Tommy’s – San Francisco
52. Jet skiing on Lake Thonotosassa
51.
Handprints at Chuck’s
50. Drinks at Bongos
49. The Roundup
48. Elizabeth’s Confirmation
47.
Drink at XYZ bar – San Francisco
46. Dancing all night at the Blue Martini
45. Margaritas at Vallarta’s
44.
Walking Bella in the 3:00 AM fog
43. Islamorada with Lenny and family
42. Clothes shopping with an assistant
41.
Van Halen concert
40. Crčme Brule at Carrabas
39. Movie night at my place
38. Sushi at Ichiban
37.
Busch Gardens at night
36. Boating with the kids
35. Sister Hazel concert - Channelside
34. That
sushi place on S. Dale Mabry
33. Motorcycle trip to Ciesta Key
32. Dinner at Bonefish Grill - Pembroke Pines
31.
Maroon V concert
30. ..more drinks at Bongos
29. House sitting in New Tampa
28. Thanksgiving Night
adventures
27. Memorial Day at CJ’s
26. Natalie’s dance recital
25. New Year’s Eve - BNL concert
24.
Margaritas at Chili’s
23. My nephew’s birthday party at Crandon Park
22. Phantom of the Opera
21. That little bar in Naples
20. Scrubbed shuttle launch
19. Memorial Day W/E limo ride
18.
Dinner at Rattlefish Grill
17. Blind Date at Lee Roy Selmon’s
16. Sister Hazel concert – House of Blues
15.
South Beach with the Fellas
14. Lyrics for Life event
13. Boating on Father’s Day
12. Dancing all
night at Himarshee
11. Breakfast at IHOP with my mom
10. That ‘moment’ at HOB, January 1, 2005
09.
Michael Buble’ concert
08. Motorcycle trip to Key West
07. Watching the sunset at Caddy’s
06. Downtown
Disney with the kids
05. All those pillow talk moments
04. Friday, November 19, 2004
03. A perfect
day at St. Pete Beach
02. Eating ice cream with my kids last night.
01. Today, knowing I have the rest of
my new life ahead of me!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Rebounding
If you read my blog, you know that I am a Miami Heat fan. And with all due respect to Shaq, my boy Dwayne Wade
is the star and the future of that franchise. On the court, the offense flows through him. Off the court, the
entire organization is banking on D-Wade’s marketability to sell tickets, generate excitement and remain a strong figure in
the South Florida sports/entertainment landscape.
And with the release of his new shoe, D-Wade is all over the place, especially on the Converse web site. And if you haven’t seen it, you really should go check out the ad for his new sneaker. The catch line
is ‘Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight’. It‘s a poignant line, and the spot captures and epitomizes the type of player
Dwayne is. For a small guy, it’s amazing how he is able to pick himself up after some of those hard fouls he takes driving
the lane and taking it to the basket.
There is something to be said about having that type of resiliency. It takes not only character, but also courage,
to get back up. Even when you know that you are likely to get knocked down again, you have to stand up. You have to
get up, dust yourself off, and keep on chugging.
Life has taught me that over and over, especially this past year. You can’t stay down. You need to bounce
back. But this time it is a little different for me. In hoops, you can foul out. For me, I feel like I got
fouled out. Right out of a dream. Right out of my imaginary ‘happily-ever-after’. And unlike the previous
times, where in pure D-Wade fashion I’d get up, shrug it off and ask for the ball again, this time I’m done.
I just don’t have the energy or the will to keep running in this game. Some of you may know what it’s like to play
5-on-5, full court all day in the blazing heat. It can be exhausting and draining, but also very fun and rewarding.
To play a sport for the sheer love of playing the game. But there comes a time when you just have to get your ball and
go to a different playground, because the hard fouls keep getting harder and it’s just no more fun. There is a saying
in basketball. “No harm, no foul.” Well, this time there was harm. Big-time harm. Technical foul kinda’
harm. Ron Artest ‘aint got nothing on this situation. And as a result, it’s time for me to stand up, shrug it
off and call it a game.
But don’t shed a tear for me, for I am not walking off the court with my head hung low. I walk away with a sense
of liberation. I walk away free from the shackles of a dream. I walk away without the dead-weight of hope and
expectation. I walk away knowing that I left it all, all 100% of me, out on the court. And I leave knowing there
are other games to be played, and other courts on which I can display my ‘mad skilz’.
I walk away knowing that the dreams I have don’t necessarily die, but rather change. And I smile at the excitement
of completing those things on my life’s to-do list with someone new, whoever that ends up being.
Wednesday, November 9, 2005
Deliberations
Let me begin by saying that in no way is this entry meant to poke fun at the mental condition of Multiple Personality
Disorder. That disclaimer having been said, you gotta’ admit there is something intriguingly cool about MPD. It’s
like being your own best friends.
And I do not believe that we all have just one personality. I think we all have varying aspects of our persona
that come out in some shape, way or form as situations dictate. We can’t always be strong and stoic. We can’t
always be confident and wise. Our personality is determined by our immediate environment, and one can only hope that
immediate environment is as stable and static as possible.
I know I have multiple personalities ……… and I keep them all on speed dial. <Hey, you heard that joke here first>.
So in the interest of the he said/he said conversations in my head, I would like to share a transcript, if you will, of a
recent mental go-around that I had. Please try to keep up.
“This sucks. I have done everything that I’ve had to, everything that I can think of, and still nothing has changed.”
“You have to be patient. Just like you can’t fight fate, you also cannot rush it.”
“But if I don’t rush it, it won’t come along!”
“Do you really believe that?”
“Do I have a reason not to believe that? Hello! Have you been looking at the calendar?”
“Good point. But still. You’ve come this far. You have to believe it will happen.”
"I want to believe. I want to be patient. I want to be ….. admirable. But how much waiting is too much
waiting?”
“If it’s worth it, there is no such thing as too much waiting.”
“But what about the flip side of this coin? Am I not worth it? Have I not proven myself over and over?
I have given MY 100%, haven’t I?”
“It’s not always about you.”
“Yeah, but you don’t know what it’s like to give and give and give and get shutout at the end.”
“Are you really being shut out? Don’t you understand it’s not that simple? It’s not a matter of just being
nonchalant about it.”
“But it should be a matter of being ‘matter-of-fact’, don’t you think?”
“Unlike you, I DO think.”
“HEY!!”
“Ha Ha”
“Yeah, well I think that unless I do something, I will be stuck in this situation forever.”
“You can do what you want, just understand it would be a calculated risk with consequences to be had.”
“Calculated? Why don’t you just say what you mean?”
“What I mean is that you should remind yourself that there are other people’s feeling involved in all of this.
Would you want those close to you hurt for your own benefit?”
“I HAVE hurt those close to me for my own benefit. That’s kinda’ the whole point!”
“You’re such a drama queen!”
"You should know considering you’re the one that spends all your time watching those crappy, reality-TV shows.”
“I told you not to call them crappy. They are somewhat sub-par unscripted dramas!”
“Oh! OK! Because THAT makes them better.”
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, a glimpse into my psyche. Not to worry, I am sure your therapist can
prescribe something to make the images go away. If not, give me a call. I have a cabinet chock-full-a pills.
<ring>
“Hello? Sybil? Hey, how have you all been?”
Saturday, November 5, 2005
Relativity and Eventuality
Everything is relative. I was conversationally reminded of that this past week as I deliberated what I wanted to
write about in this entry. What seems like a minor inconvenience to one person may be a mountain of an issue for someone
else. Good and bad can, at times, simply be a matter of perspective.
The irony is that this theme is found in the plot of Star Wars Episode III, a movie I have watched a couple of times
this week with my kids. My son Daniel loves it! I find it very interesting that as a child watching the Star Wars
movies (now known as episodes IV – VI), I wanted so much to be Luke Skywalker. Now, my son dreams of being like Anakin
Skywalker (Luke’s dad). Even after seeing how Anakin becomes Darth Vader, he’s still very fascinated by that character.
The weird thing is that as much as I made Luke a hero (Like Luke, if I could be like Luke. I wanna’ be, I wanna’ be,
I wanna’ be like Luke…), it is Anakin the one with whom I relate the most. Anakin is the one whose youth was always
pointed out as a negative. Anakin is the one who was overly ambitious. Anakin is the one who was passionate, wore
his emotions on his sleeve, and let his feelings cloud his judgment. Anakin is the one who pursued his love at all costs.
Anakin was the ‘chosen one’. Now I know that I may be exaggerating in finding parallels between my situation and that
of Anakin Skywalker, but then again from my perspective they are not that far off.
Another of the themes in E3 is that the prophecies said Anakin would be the one to bring balance to the Force.
He would bring an end to the Sith and restore order to the galaxy. If you watched the movie, you know this is not the
case. However, if you flash forward to the end of Episode VI (Return of the Jedi), the prophecy becomes true.
It is Vader who kills the Emperor. That action, coupled with the fact that Vader allows himself to die, does in
fact bring an end to the Sith. (And if I just geeked out my female audience, may I remind you that I ….. never mind).
This brings me to my dilemma. Obi Wan did not survive to see the prophecy come to fruition. Yoda did not
survive to see the prophecy come to fruition. It eventually did, but they didn’t live to see it, so in their lifetime – or
better yet in their reality – the prophecy did not come true. What good is eventually if you cannot define what eventually
means? Eventually, the earth will get hit by a planet-killing asteroid. This is a mathematical fact. However,
eventually is anytime between now and the next 100 million years. It’s like telling an amoeba, “Hang in there, little guy.
Eventually, you will evolve into a biped.”
Maybe this point is emphasized by the fact we live in a culture of immediate gratification. Who has time to wait
for anything nowadays? Or maybe this point hits closer to home for me because I have been waiting for my eventually
for quite some time now. I have been waiting, knowing and believing that the self-proclaimed prophecy will come true.
I have been fighting off the voices from the ‘Dark Side’ that tell me if it were going to happen, it already would have.
This is the equivalent of saying you can’t find a $100 bill on the street because if there were one, someone would already
have picked it up.
So why do I allow myself to continue to believe? Why do I allow myself to continue to fight? Because right
now that is all I know how to do. You can’t give up hope or give up fighting because you think that ultimately there
is no point. It’s one of those things where I can’t give up today because eventually might happen tomorrow. Yes!
I still believe that the action for which I am waiting will happen ….. eventually! However, if I am not around
to see it, does it make it true? Does it even matter?
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