Monday, January 30, 2006
Plans
I got a chance to go home last Friday. I took the day off, flew down to Miami, and spent the day with my mom.
I know. Not exactly your ordinary ‘day off’, but I am coming to learn that life is less and less about being ordinary.
Instead, it’s about finding the little things that make your experiences extraordinary.
Friday would have been my dad’s seventy-third birthday. Last year, I happened to be in Miami during his birthday,
and my mom and I laid flowers at the beach across which we spread his ashes. We did that again this year, and so long
as I am able to, I plan on doing it every year going forward. (Thank you, Southwest Airlines!). I find myself thinking about
how special that day was for me. Not so much because we got to remember my dad, but because I spent it with my mom.
As I have mentioned before, my mom and I have a very formal relationship. We’re not ‘buddy, buddy’ like my dad
I and were. I actually went into the day wondering what topic of conversation was going to set us off. After all,
my mom and I always end up fighting about something. Anything! She and I are just prone to disagreement. Yet there
was nothing disagreeable about this visit. Sure, the tolerance level was set to high. But this trip was nothing
like I had planned it to be. It was remarkably better.
And so I segue into the topic of planning. I smile when I take the time to sit and contemplate how different my
upcoming birthday is going to be compared to what I had planned it to be just three months ago. Three months ago, the
idea of my birthday involved a weekend trip out of town, some sort of entertainment event, and a lot of personal time with
someone for whom I care deeply. Don’t get me wrong, my birthday plans still consist of getting out of town, partaking
in an entertainment event, and spending time with someone I cherish. It’s just that these new plans are SO much better!
These plans are better because they involve someone who has been a saving grace in my life. These plans involve
a woman who has been kind and patient and tolerant of my weaknesses and flaws. These plans involve someone who is eager
to share these moments and do nothing but create new memories with me. These plans are better because they involve Lee.
And I have found that the only thing better than making plans is actually executing them. Baseball games and concerts.
Road trips and sleeping in. Grocery shopping and taking the kids to the movies. It’s amazing how equally exciting
big events and day to day activities can be simply because you are sharing those moments with someone special. And that’s
what I got to do last weekend, and will get to do again this upcoming weekend. I got to share the day with my mom.
I got to go to Gasparilla with Scott (and just so we’re clear, I mean that in the most non-gay way possible). I get
to share my birthday weekend with Lee and about three thousand other Hazelnuts at the House of Blues.
And though things don’t always turn out as planned, it’s so wonderful when they do. And if they don’t, I have come
to accept that God is altering my plan in order to fulfill His. Three months ago I had my plan in place. About
six weeks ago, that plan was dramatically changed. And all I can say is that it was definitely for the better!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Perseverance
I recently had the good fortune of getting caught up with a friend of mine. He is a former co-worker who is now
in Baltimore performing a very similar job function as myself. He called to pick my brain, ask for some managerial material
we put together several years ago, and just chit chat.
The fact that he is in Baltimore now is not exactly something he planned. See, my friend was ‘screwed in the drive
thru’ if you will while he worked for me. If you are familiar with corporate America, then you know that sometimes the
higher-ups are allowed to cherry pick from other groups so as to build their organization. That’s what happened to him.
He was identified as high-value talent, and he was plucked away from my team.
But as you find in most professions, it not always just a matter of talent. The success my friend found as a member
of my team was derived from his talent intertwined with the dynamics of our group. Furthermore, his ability to succeed
was in direct correlation to my ability to understand and manage him. Think of a great NFL quarterback who works with
a great NFL coach. Separate the two and their success diminishes as individuals.
Why is this relevant? It’s because within six months of my friend being stolen from my team, he was let go as an
employee. It’s not that he was any less talented, it’s just that his new management team did not know how to best utilize
him. That and the fact that my friend is not shy about speaking his mind and making his opinions heard. The combination,
in this case, lead to his termination with the company. As a result, he went through a maelstrom of professional and
personal stress to find himself where he is today.
“I’m so happy” he told me. “If life were any better, I’d have to pay to be here.” I told him sincerely how
happy I am for him, and how wonderful it is to know that he is doing well and enjoying his newfound career path.
This got me thinking about how we all go through periods in our lives where we have to weather the storm in order to
enjoy the calm. We have to survive the chaos in order to discover the tranquility. We have to trudge through the
snow, the sleet and the cold of our lives in order to find ourselves in front of the fireplace that keeps our hearts warm.
We all face it in one form or another. We all have to persevere at some point. We all have to move through in
order to move on.
This topic is very important to me. Just recently, I was at a place in my life from where I thought I could not
move on. I swore up and down that I could never get passed this point of certainty I created in my head. “I just
can’t imagine life being different. I can’t imagine a life with without …….” I had made this an absolute fact in my
mind.
But it was never a matter of not being able to move on, but rather the decision of not wanting to move on. Now,
I know that for women there is no difference between need and want - as in the case of “I need new shoes” – but I think this
sentiment is universally applicable when it comes to matters of the heart. The idea that we can’t move on is rooted
in fear and the result of being blinded by love…….…..or the idea of love.
The truth is we can move on. We all can. It’s just a matter of knowing when you’re ready and when you’re
willing to survive the struggle in order to get to the other side. I chuckle because I spent most of 2005 writing about
this very issue. I wrote and wrote and wrote in the hopes that I could convince someone else to be courageous for my
benefit. Now I write so that I can remind myself to be courageous all on my own.
I also write tonight specifically for a friend of mind who needs to find the courage in her heart so that she, too,
can persevere and move on. So that she, too, can find the strength in herself to let go of the past and embrace the
future, no matter how cold and lonely it may seem at times.
I know it’s so much easier said than done. I have the great fortune of being able to find strength in the love
of my children and the support of my friends. One friend in particular has been a Godsend to me. I know that without
her words, wisdom and love I would feel all alone and lost without any direction. As hard as this has all been, it’s
been easier because of her.
Yet I do not claim to be past all of my recent history. There is still mud on my boots, although each additional
step I take shakes loose a little more of the pain and anger. There is still moisture in my clothes from wading in the
water for three and a half years, but every new moment in the sun makes the fabric of my soul more warm and dry. You
can’t get back to normal with out first having experienced the abnormal. Without first having passed through the tough
times.
I’ll wrap up this ramble of an entry with this. Life is not so much a journey as it is a series of journeys that,
when strung together in sequence, make up your life. Just when you get to your destination, it’s time to embark towards
a new one. Some of these journeys you will find to be easy and rewarding. Others will challenge the very fiber
of your being. And whether or not we succeed depends not on the things we want to do, but rather on those things we
choose to do.
Dan, I wish you nothing but the best at JH. It was wonderful getting caught up with you, and don’t
be a stranger.
Hailey, I know you will get through all of this, and I know it will not be easy. You just need to
remind yourself that even though it’s dark, you are in a tunnel and not a cave, and tunnels always have a way out.
Lee, you have been the rock that has kept me constant all this time. I love you, and I look forward
to being your rock and your source of strength for as long as I live.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Little Blessings
My daughter has a memory problem. She doesn’t forget anything. But then again, show me a woman who does,
especially if it’s something to her benefit. So when I suggested taking her and Daniel to MOSI – the Museum of Science
and Industry- I might as well have etched the commitment into a stone tablet.
They both have been to MOSI several times, and they just love the open learn/play areas available. We trekked on
over, opened the doors to the lobby, and found ourselves in a sea of humanity. The line just to buy tickets was about
45 minutes long. I knew this would be another ‘gotta’ get out of this delicately’ situations. The lateness of
the afternoon and other commitments did not allow for us to invest so much time in line, and I knew we would not be able to
spend as much time at MOSI as we had hoped.
So after engraving in stone an obligation to bring them back some other day, we left. We dilly-dallied for a while
in the large, open area just outside the main doors of MOSI. Then we took turns balance walking the curb on the way
to the parking lot. We got sidetracked by some large rocks they just had to climb, and then decided to follow a trail
of brink pavers to see where it lead. It lead us to a majestic oak tree, its trunk split in diagonal fashion, thus allowing
for easy climbing. I held their hands as I encouraged them to venture out along the horizontal limb that hung about
4 feet off the ground.
After taking time to sit on limbs and have them jump down into my arms, we found ourselves playing in a pool of fallen
leaves. Where we still in Florida? The wind was sharp, the weather cold, and there we were kicking and rustling
and laughing as the brown leaves crunched underneath our feet. I even convinced Daniel to lie down as Natalie and I
buried him under the fallen foliage.
“Has it really been an hour and a half since we walked out of MOSI?” I couldn’t believe it. We were having
so much fun, time just flew by. Natalie had forgotten that we didn’t get to go inside. Instead, she was smiling and
laughing and doing what I believe all kids should do; playing outdoors and just being a kid. I could see the sense of
wonder in her eyes. This was in sharp contrast to Daniel who just reeks of determination and adventure in everything
he does. You could feel him thinking, “I can climb that. I can jump that.” Daniel is like a walking Adidas
ad; Impossible is Nothing.
There is a saying that has really put into perspective the recent trials and tribulations of my life. “There are
only three answers God gives you when you make a request of Him. Yes, not now, and I have something greater planned
for you.” We were supposed to go to the museum. Instead, we spent time in our own world of discovery and learning.
One that was not behind closed walls with crowds of people. One in which we did not have to stand in line or wait our
turn. God had something greater planned for Natalie, Daniel and myself that day, and He gave it to us in such a simple
and beautiful manner.
This experience was as spiritual for me as it was rewarding. Again, I found myself hoping these are the times my
kids remember once they grow up and reflect on their childhood. Again I reminded myself that even though times get tough,
I am so very, very blessed.
There is another saying that is relevant to my life – all of our lives, actually. “Change is constant.” I
believe this to be true. However, I would like to take creative liberty and offer a variation to this phrase.
“There are two things in life which are constant. Change and God. And it is God that guides us through
all the changes in our lives.”
Friday, January 13, 2006
Which Road to Take
Kelly Clarkson is a cutie. Plane and simple, she makes my list of celebrity fantasies. And for the record,
ALL guys have a list of celebrity fantasies, and Jessica Alba is currently at the top of mine. In addition to being
so
adorable, Kelly is not half-bad either as a singer. She is, after all, the first American Idol winner, and her second album,
Breakaway, has sold over 4.5 million copies in the US.*
Speaking of Breakaway, I will go out on a limb and say she wrote that album after a really bad break up. Sure,
I could go out to fan sites or newsgroups and find out the true inspiration behind the album, but all you really have to do
is listen to each track. I mean, Jeeeeeez! The album name itself just screams “I am using this to get over you.
Oh, and make lots and lots of money!” Don’t get me wrong. I am not knocking using a device to help you get over
a tough situation. Music, painting, knitting, running and even, ahem, writing. Many of the world’s most beautiful
creations have been spawned as a result of pain and suffering.
So what’s my point you ask? My point is that there is a decision to be made when using a device to cope with negative
and painful feelings. Specific to my situation, there is the choice of the high road (tolerance, understanding, learning
a lesson, overall acceptance) and a low road (bitterness, anger, mean-spiritedness, actions involving battery acid).
Listening to the lyrics in Kelly’s songs has made me further ponder my desire to stick to a high road and resist the temptations
of the low road. Trust me; it’s NOT an easy thing to do.
But I need to be strong. I have told myself that I want to look back at the relationship I had with ...... with
….. what was her name again? ……. and maintain positive and pleasant thoughts. I don’t want to stoop to immature and
childish behavior that accomplish nothing other than further preventing me from moving on with my life. I hate to admit
it, but I have in certain ways already dipped my toes into that pool of ugliness.
I keep telling myself – and am consequentially reminded by my friends – that this is all a process. A grieving
process. A process of dealing with loss and disappointment and pain. It is not anything I can or should ignore.
It needs to be dealt with. It needs to hurt now in order for it to not hurt later. It needs to burn and settle
in and resolve itself with time and patience.
And I know this time it has been different. I have been stronger. I have been resolved to move on and let
go. I still want to maintain a sense of decency about all of this, yet I need to remind myself that a certain
someone’s happiness is no longer my concern. To put it best, I draw from Kelly’s song ‘
Gone’:
You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel
tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta’ burn
….oops! There go my toes again.
Sunday, January 8, 2006
Change
They say that the only thing in life that is constant is change. Sometimes change occurs over a long period of
time. Sometimes it’s instantaneous. Nevertheless, our lives are dynamic and ever-evolving, and if we’re smart
we’ll know how to deal and handle these constant changes. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is, “A person’s ability
to adapt is directly proportional to his/her intelligence.”
I don’t know how intelligent I have been the last several weeks, but I can tell you that so many things have and continue
to change in my life. No, I’m not talking about new cars or the end of the college football season. I am referring
to changes in my heart and in my soul that have me pondering and reflecting on deep and meaningful subjects. It’s like
having the rug pulled out from underneath you, and being left to ponder what it truly means to stand up.
For me, the biggest conflict I have is reconciling memories of the recent past with the words and labels I gave to the
feelings associated with those memories. I have no regrets about what happened and, consequentially, where I am today.
Rather, I struggle to understand and I hesitate what to do with those memories of ‘absolute certainty’ that turned out to
be not. Words like ‘soul mates’ and ‘destiny’. Concepts like ‘perfect love’ and ‘happy accidents’. These
words and ideas made up the archetypal framework of my emotions. They were the roots that held up the oak tree of my
soul.
I’m not going to sit hear and lie to you and say that my emotional skyscraper lies in ruins. I am not going to
pretend that my majestic timber was felled and toppled. True, there was a painful process I underwent – and in a way
am still going through – to realize and accept that what was once so certain is now no longer. But the real dilemma
is the perplexing sense of just “Hmmmm. That sucks. Ok, now what?”
For example. You ever go to a theme park where there is a ride that is just ultra-hyped? “You gotta’ ride ‘The
Cavern of Mystery’, dude! It’s totally awesome! You’ll never want to get off.” So you go and pay $85 dollars
to get in, only to spend 4 hours in line in 110 degree weather. Then, when you finally get on the ride you realize the
hype was just that, hype. So you’re left with a puzzled look on your face, shoulders all shrugged up, and your mind
asking you, “Is that really all that was?” Makes you wonder if you’re friends really know the meaning of the word ‘awesome'.
That’s kinda’ where I find myself right now. What IS a soul mate? Was I right about what I thought it was?
Was I right about WHO I thought it was? Am I still? Do I even care? It’s just a word after all, isn’t it?
And destiny? Does that really exist? Are we all on some predetermined course of life, love and happiness?
Do we have any control over anything?
For the record, those where all rhetorical questions. Furthermore, I think we all need to define and ‘label’ our
feelings, experiences, and the people with whom we share them. Friend, buddy, girlfriend, lover, fuck-buddy, soul mate.
It all needs to make sense to us, and when we find that it no longer makes sense, we get lost, scared and confused.
But not to worry, because life has a way of making things happen. And we owe it all to that little thing we like
to call change. Friends become girlfriends. Buddies become brothers. Soul mates become memories. We
can’t fight change. Change is going to happen. The only thing we can do is control how we react to it and how
much we allow ourselves to accept it. If you’re lucky, you’ll be smart in how you go about accepting change in your
life. If you’re really lucky, you’ll realize that change is exactly what you needed.
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
Sharing is Caring
I subscribe to a daily electronic newsletter from Beliefnet.com. It’s one of those things I do to fill my morning
with positive thoughts and inspirtational ideas. I was reading an interesting article about motivation, and how not
fulfilling personal needs can lead to depression and negative thoughts. Pretty much a no-brainer, and I casually copied
the URL to the article and sent it to a friend via IM.
Why did I do that? Why did I feel compelled to pass that article along? Was it because my friend has issues with
motivation? No. Was it because my friend is depressed and can use a little bit of a pick-me-up? Who isn’t?
I’m not sure exactly why, but I felt compelled to forward that article just because I wanted to share it with someone else.
This got me to thinking about how we, as individuals, feel a need to share with others in just about everything we do.
‘Look at the pictures of my kids.’ ‘Here. Taste this. It’s incredible!’ ‘Want some of my popcorn?’ ‘Do me a favor. Read
this e-mail and tell me what you think.’ It’s in almost everything we do. I am writing this entry knowing that
I will post it to my blog and share it with the world. Ok, maybe not the entire world, but you know what I mean.
So why is sharing so important? Anyone who has kids will tell you that sharing is a learned behavior. Put
two two-year-olds in a room and all you will hear is ‘Mine. Mine. Mine!’ Put a mommy in that same room and you will inevitably
hear, ‘Now, boys, you need to learn to share.’ LEARN to share. Why do we do it? Why do we HAVE to share?
I’m no psychologist. In fact, I have not taken any type of science course since President Bush Senior, but I think
if you apply basic common sense the answer is quite obvious. As children we are provided for. We are given everything
we need. There is no incentive to share because we will get what we want, some kids more so than others, but you get
my drift. As we start to grow up, both physically and emotionally, the burden of responsibility weighs heavier and heavier
on our shoulders. The sense of providing for one’s self and valuing what you have sets in more and more.
This translates to the realization that we will no longer be provided for, and thus the relationships we maintain become more
out of desire and less out of necessity.
I believe we share because we feel compelled to make a connection with other people. To feel appreciated, recognized
and loved. I ask people to look at pictures of my kids because I want them to know how special and beautiful I think
my kids are are. I ask my friends to taste what I am having for dinner because I want them to share in the experience
of really good food. I offer up snacks at the movies because I don’t want to be considered as selfish or rude.
I ask for a second opinion on stuff I write because I want to make sure it makes sense and comes across correctly. I share
to strenghten existing, or establish new, relationships.
And it is these relationships that get us through the hard times. They make the dark times less dark and the cold
times just a bit warmer. Conversely, relationships make the highs higher and brights so much brighter. What would
an Oscar acceptance speech be without all the thank you’s? I believe we all need people in our lives. People with
whom we can share thoughts and experiences and emotions. Good or bad, right or wrong, we never want to feel alone.
And although these relationships may change or disappear over time, the memories and the imprint of that relationship will
always remain.
Don’t be afraid to share with others. Sharing is what allows us to define ourselves and be ourselves, and ultimately
find happiness in our day to day.
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
Nouveau Way Of Thinking
I am going to apologize in advance for the length of this entry. It’s been a while since my last posting and a
lot has happened since then. Some bad, mostly good, and it all begins with probably the best New Year’s Eve celebration
I have enjoyed in quite some time. For the first time in what seems like forever, I celebrated NYE where I wanted to
be. Let me clarify. It’s not that previous celebrations were forced or anything like that, but there was always
a sense of obligation or family requirement or something else that made it feel just a little less than perfect. Not
this year.
The weekend started with a wonderful birthday dinner for my friend, Lee. And if you’re an oysters fan and you find
yourself in North Pinellas, stop into Guppy’s and have the Angels on Horseback. They are to die for! The only
low point of the evening was my Hurricanes getting absolutely SPANKED by LSU in the Peach Bowl. But it was such a terrific
night, the football didn’t matter. Yes, you heard me right! I actually admitted to UM football not mattering.
And if Friday was a 10, then Saturday was absolutely off the charts. After sleeping in until about ….. 2:00PM <can
you say lazy?>, Lee and I went out, did some shopping and started gearing up to usher in the New Year. We checked
into our hotel in St. Pete and had a private pre-party that consisted of hors d’oeuvres, champagne and LOTS of laughter.
We then got all dressed up and walked over to Janus Landing to catch Sister Hazel for the 4th time in 2005. It was a
magical night, and the all-you-can-drink wristbands definitely contributed to the greatness of the evening.
What was really cool is that we hung out dancing and drinking some more after the concert. One of the catch phrases
of the night was, “Two more Beam and Cokes. This time a lot less ice and a lot more Beam.” We danced, drank and
laughed some more, and it was definitely the best way to usher in the New Year. Nothing but smiles and creating new
moments with someone special.
The kicker is that by the time it was time for us to go, the band members were wrapping up their festivities and were
heading out, too. It started with me running into Mark Trojanowski, the drummer for Sister Hazel. I called out
his name and told him he did a phenomenal job once again. He proceeded to look at me like I had two heads. Then
I heard someone call up to a blonde on the balcony. “Are you Susan?” I asked. “Yeah!” she replied. “Wow!
I know you from the DVD. I love you! You’re awesome!” “Thanks. Now tell it to that guy next to you.”
So I turn to the guy in the black t-shirt loading the truck with equipment. “Man, that Susan is just awesome!”
He looked at me with a very tired yet aggressive look, and in classic dead-pan delivery said, “Get to know her…”
I was like a little kid, fascinated that I was mingling with the band. Then, I looked up and saw Ken Block.
He was walking, carrying his kid in a baby carrier, his face just tired as all get out. I came up to him and thanked
him for another great show. He is so remarkably cool, it’s hard to put into words. We chit-chatted for a couple
of minutes, and he told me he remembered me from our meeting in February at the Lyrics for Life event. <How F’n cool
is that?!?!?!?!?>
I ran to get Lee, whom I had left to the care of my good friend Steve from Canada, as a result of her issues with something
as simple as walking. Keep in mind that Steve and I had just met 8 minutes earlier. I asked her if she wanted
to meet Ken. After taking some time to actually process what I said, she got up and ran/staggered to where he was.
He, too, remembered her from when they met after a show in August. I had forgotten she got to go backstage and meet
the band while I got stuck settling the bar tab, but that’s another story. After the polite but required good-byes,
we started back to the hotel. The tales from the rest of the evening will be available soon on the Director’s cut blog
entry <smirk>.
The weekend wrapped up with me spending some quality time with my kids on the 1st and then taking Lee to the Outback
Bowl on the 2nd. Contrary to our athletic upbringing, we were both Gator fans for a day, and thanks to spectacular weather
and a somewhat controversial UF win, the day was just great, again! It is wonderful to know that I contributed to a
very special weekend for her. To quote her, it was the best New Year’s ever! And it was also very special for
me.
Dinners, concerts and bowl games aside, this New Year’s gave me an opportunity to reflect on a lot. To think about
letting go of weights that hold us down and accepting with open arms the road ahead. Where I once saw a dark, desolate
one-lane road to who knows where, I now see a 10-lane highway where I can choose any direction I want. The future and
its uncertainties are no longer crippling. In fact, it’s liberating and exciting and everything else that comes with
something new. The emotional equivalent to new car smell.
I once thought that happiness is made or found through determination and hard work. Through fighting for what you
believe and being absolutely resolved in what you do. I think there is still some truth to that. But I have found
by living this weekend that happiness is what you make it. More so, happiness is accepting God’s will.
Here is wishing you a very happy and fulfilling 2006. I know mine is off to a GREAT start!
Lee, what more can I say that I haven’t already? Thanks for sharing these last several days with me
and for being such an important part of my life. Like we discussed, we have proven that together we can get through
just about anything. Your friendship is like no other.
