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...Something For When You're Bored!
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My Blog
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I started keeping this blog as an attempt to make lemonade with the lemons life tossed my way.
Coincidentally, some entries are a bit more sour than others.
The blog entries keep coming, as do the death threats and bags of poo on fire on my door step.
It's been well over three years since my first posting, and all I can say is, "I can't believe you keep coming back!"
But seriously, thank you all for the continued support, encouragement and inspiration. I
hope you all keep reading, keep smiling, and keep cashing those bribe checks I've been sending.
For all you newcomers, thank you for taking the time. I hope you enjoy the nonsense that rattles
around in my head. Oh, BTW ..... don't forget to sign my guestbook!
Please note the blog entries are listed in reverse chronological order.
To view previous entries to my blog, please follow the date links at the bottom of this page. Thanks.
Want to be automatically notified of updates to this
page? Click here.
Click here to see me hard at work.
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Tuesday, April 25, 2006
A Special Walk
It’s not very often that people get to participate in life changing events. Most of our everyday is filled with relative
routine. Be it school, work, family – or for those lucky enough to have a sugar-mama, PS2 all day – our lives tend to
be 80% - 90% same ‘ol, same ‘ol.
Every now and then, however, we are given the opportunity to shake things up and do something really different. Now, I’m
not talking about a killer vacation or a spontaneous invitation to go sailing. Don’t get me wrong, things like that
are great, and we need to break the routine from time to time in order to keep our sanity. But I am specifically referring
to those moments and those events that leave a lasting impression in our lives, and I am fortunate to have experienced one
this past weekend.
I, along with Lee and several other close friends of mine, participated in the Relay for Life event for New Tampa.
Relay is a fundraising event in which teams of participants walk, normally in shifts, around a track for 18 hours. The event
began Friday afternoon at 6:00 PM and concluded Saturday morning at noon. There are various activities that take place
in those 18 hours – from dodge ball tourneys, to live bands, to drag queen contests (yes, you read that correctly) – and the
whole thing is really a great time.
What makes it special is that everyone is there for a common purpose. They are there walking to remember those that
lost their battle with cancer, and to support those that survived and/or are currently fighting the disease. In addition
to walking, each team usually conducts an on-site fund raiser at their camp site to continue raising money, all of which goes
to the American Cancer Society. It’s a great cause, a great event, and a world of fun if you do it right. I was
blessed to be accompanied by my friends and share that experience with them.
What really made it special for me was being out there with Lee. We both lost our fathers to cancer. We both
had to deal with seeing our dads struggle, battle and eventually succumb to the effects of the disease. I think that
is why Lee and I clicked so quickly when we first met, because we were both able to relate to each other’s loss.
I went into the event planning – actually, more like hoping – that I would get through it without getting emotional.
I was the captain of my team, I was surrounded by my guys, there was a lot to do, etc. I had to keep the game face on
at all times. But then came the Luminarias. The Luminarias are paper bags weighted down with sand and illuminated
from within by a lit candle. Each bag was hand decorated by a child, and the ambiance that was created as the field
lights were turned off is difficult to capture in words.
Lee and I set off to walk together during this special time of the event. We were both overwhelmed by the site of
the candles and the tangible emotion in the air. She proceeded to talk about her dad and her memories of him.
By this time her face was flooded with tears and all I could do was hold her close to me. I vowed I would be strong.
Strong for her and for me. I would not cry.
But then I thought about my dad. I thought about how much I missed him, and how I hoped he was looking down on me
from Heaven. I am not sure if the concept of pride exists when you’re in the presence of God, but I like to think he
was proud of me as he watched over us that evening. In fact, I am still driven in all that I do to make my parents proud.
And then I thought about how my dad was never ashamed to wear his heart on his sleeve and cry in front of others. The
emotions became unbearable and the floodgates in my eyes ripped open.
It takes a special moment in life to make you cry uncontrollably. It also takes a special type of person to hold
you closely as you do. To be there for you without reservation or hesitation. Someone who is there to support
you and not judge you in the slightest. Special people beget special moments, and to say that embrace with Lee that
night was special would be a gross understatement.
Lee and I have always connected. From the moment we met there was something intangible yet undeniable between us.
Over the past 14 months, we’ve had our ups and downs and through it all, little by little, we’ve come closer and closer and
closer. Last Friday night was one gigantic step as both our hearts connected in way they had not done before.
The feeling was very tangible. It was tangible and electric and all those things you’ve ever dreamed it could be.
All of it rolled into that one special moment.
I am thrilled that I can look back and say I took part in such a wonderful event. And not because the New Tampa Relay
raised $115k, or because I got to see a different side of my friends (people are very different at 3:00 AM when they have
not gotten any sleep), or because I walked away – albeit, barely able to walk – with a sense of pride and accomplishment.
I am thrilled to look back and know that I shared that moment with Lee. That I came one step closer to a life with someone
so special I can’t even begin to describe what she means to me. It doesn’t matter if it’s routine or out of the ordinary.
Whatever it is, I want to do it with her.
For Leelee's perspective on the event, click here.
9:53 pm est
Monday, April 17, 2006
To the Core
What can you live without? Take a look around you, whether you’re at home or at work right now, and ask yourself
what is it you really need? If you had to strip away the items in your life, perhaps the material possessions would
be first to go. Then things like your home, career, friends, etc. would be widdled away until your left with your core
needs. This is the proverbial prioritization process, and it’s one that I was reminded of yesterday.
Easter is usually a day you share with family. My kids’ uncle is in town from Venezuela, so their Easter activities
had been planned for some time now. I did however get to see them in the morning, take them to Mass, and grab donuts
with them afterwards. Lee was in Alabama for the weekend which left the rest of my day was wide open, and no one likes
being alone on Easter. My friend Tracey was in a similar boat. With her family in New York she, too, had nowhere
to go and nothing to do. So we decided to hang out and be alone on Easter together.
Tracey is the director of the youth ministry program at my parish. She’s very smart, quick-witted and just fun
to be around. And as much as we try to have normal conversations about life, sports, or whatever, we always come around
to talking about God. With the exception of Lee, Tracey is the only person with whom I feel wholly comfortable
expressing my feelings and beliefs about God.
Our conversation was very spiritual and focused on the Bible and how ‘fanatics’ take what is written literally as ‘the
law of God’. This got me thinking about how I reconcile my personal and spiritual beliefs with the teachings
and rules of the Catholic Church. I’ll be the first to admit that I am your typical cradle-Catholic. I believe
because I was told to believe, and even though I challenged a bit here and there, I never considered myself to be anything
but Catholic. And when it comes to decisions from Rome, I prefer the buffet as opposed to the predetermined main course.
The evening ended with Lee getting back from her trip and us nestling in to watch ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ on HBO. It
was appropriate given the theme for the day, and of course Lee thinks Orlando Bloom is hot, so it was a win-win situation.
I won’t bore you with the details of the movie except to say it centers on a man’s quest to find spiritual truth – and forgiveness
– in himself. The movie, set in Jerusalem during the Crusades, produced one of the most amazing lines I’ve ever
heard. “I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be
called the will of god. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness.
What god desires is here [points to head] and here [points to heart], and by what you decide to do everyday, will make you
a good man... or not.”
If I were to widdle away what I have to get to my core, I know in my heart I would be left with God. My love for
and belief in God supersedes all that I have, including my family. Yes, including my kids. I know it’s a bold
statement, but I believe my children are a gift from God. Should God ever choose to retract that gift from me, it is
because His will requires it. I’ve said it before; it is not for us to understand God’s will, but to accept it.
And the highest form of arrogance is found in a person asking God, “Why?”
I try to be a good person. I try, and struggle at times, to live a holy life. But I do so not because an
old man in Rome tells me to. I do so not because a book that was written as a result of divine inspiration, then re-written
and re-written and re-written over time tells me to. I do so because I want to be a good person and be worthy of Heaven
and God’s grace. I do so because when it comes time for my beatific vision, I want to kneel with humble confidence in
the presence of God. To quote the movie one more time, “When you stand before God you cannot say ‘but I was told by
others to do thus’ or that ‘virtue was not convenient at the time’. This will not suffice.”
10:31 am est
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Spontaneity
There’s a certain sense of gratification that comes with being productive. I am happy because I just put the bed
together in the spare bedroom, got a little bit of a workout in, and am down about 5 pounds since last week. Still,
I look around my new place and see nothing but things I still need to get done. With half my stuff still in boxes, I
am trying to get my life into some sort of routine. Should I work out every Tuesday and Thursday? What days
do I want to make my YMCA days with the kids? Should I consider taking them swimming twice a week? Maybe I can make
Fridays my ride into work day?
But there is something to be said about living spontaneously. You
know, those plans that just come up seemingly out of nowhere. That’s what happened today and is another reason
for my happiness this evening. It all started two nights ago as Lee and I were having dinner with a friend. She
was discussing her mother’s house in South Carolina, and we entertained the idea of making a visit. A little weekend
getaway. That spilled into me remembering something about a Sister Hazel concert in South Carolina sometime this summer.
Needless to say, Lee and I looked up the information first thing the next morning. Turns out Sister Hazel is having
a three day ‘Hazelnut Retreat’ Memorial Day weekend at Isle of Palms, SC. “Well, I wonder if we can get a good rate
on a room?” After a 10 minute visit to Hotwire.com, the room was booked. “Well, what about tickets to the show?”
5 minutes later, tickets for the Saturday AND Sunday show were printed out and sitting on the output tray of my printer.
“The drive shouldn’t be too bad, don’t you think?” 7 minutes later, the tickets were accompanied by a TripTik from AAA.com
So we went from novel idea to casual discussion to full-fledged plans in a matter of minutes. No need to sleep
on it. No need to mull it over. No need to perhaps maybe consider thinking about the possibility of us going.
Just do it. Just go for it. Just live. Whew! Nothing like the adrenaline rush that comes with those
“<shrug> Fuck It!” moments. And so it is that Lee and I now have plans for Memorial Day weekend. And not
just plans! Friggin’ AWESOME plans. (I also need to mention that two weeks after that we’re going to see SH again in Orlando!!!!)
I am glad to say that today was a microcosm of where my life is right now. In my search for some normalcy after
a dramatic change, I need to remind myself – and allow myself – to just go with it. To take it easy and not try to control
everything. To accept that although my life is not where I envisioned it would be, it’s still wonderful and rewarding
and exciting and more than I thought it could be. We try to set so many conditions and parameters in an effort to keep
it all together. But I have found that life doesn’t always follow mathematical formulas, If-Then statements don’t always
hold true and logic can be just as fleeting as love.
Today was a great day because I got to make more plans with my special someone. I got to build on our dream together
and take one step closer to that happily-ever-after with her. And the only thing better than making plans and stating
promises is executing those plans and keeping those promises. And because Lee believes in me, I feel there is nothing
I can’t do, planned or otherwise.
10:31 pm est
Sunday, April 9, 2006
Reflections
It’s so easy to get lost in the every day. To forget about all the wonderful things in our lives, and take for
granted even the smallest of circumstances. And it usually takes something major or tragic to remind us of all these
little things that all too easily slip into the recesses of our minds.
The fact that I have not been writing as often is an indication of how much better my life is compared to this time last
year. I think that for most of 2005, I was a tortured soul looking for an outlet. That outlet just happened to
be my blog. But since the beginning of the year, I have managed to turn things around personally and shed, for the most
part, the pains of what weighed me down last year.
Nevertheless, I still managed to find things over which to complain. Having to deal with moving. Feeling
stagnated at work. Getting turned down for a new job. I guess with all of us, there is always something we can’t
point at and say, “Don’t get me started!” But as is always the case with me, something came along and slapped me upside
the head to remind me that I really don’t have anything about which to complain.
On Friday, April 7, Maggie Dixon died as a result of a heart arrhythmia. Who was Maggie Dixon? She was the 28 year-old women’s basketball coach at Army.
She led the Black Knights to their first ever NCAA appearance, and had what appeared to be a brilliant career ahead of her.
Did you catch the part where she was only 28?
I just got back from Miami this evening. It was a wonderful trip with Lee and the kids, and we all had a great
time. We went to my brother’s house for dinner and my kids got to spend time with their cousins. Lenny and I broke
away from dinner, as we usually do, for our 15 minute heart-to-heart, get-all-caught-up moment. Earlier in the week,
my brother was hospitalized overnight following a severe migraine that left him partially and temporarily paralyzed on one
side of his body. He told me about how the episode has him re-evaluating everything in his life, and the slightest head
pain sends him into panic.
I am sure all of us can go on and on about things in our lives that aren’t fair or just plain suck. We can each
come up with a laundry list of things we’d like to change, from bosses to commutes to coworkers to that guy in the supermarket
deli with the weird look in his eye. <I don’t want him anywhere NEAR my sandwich>. But upon being reminded
of how quickly it can all go away, all I am left with is a laundry list of Thank You’s to God.
I thank God for my health. Not everyone has the opportunity to jump out of bed every morning. I do. I
thank God for my mom. Whether over the phone or in person, I know she loves me no matter what. I thank God for my
friends. They entertain me, counsel me, and support me. I never feel alone because I am so loved. I thank
God for my family. They provide the same benefits as my friends do, only multiplied by a thousand. I thank God for
Alexandra. The mother of my children and the person most responsible for the beautiful and loving kids that I have.
Speaking of, I thank God for Natalie and Daniel. To say they are the reason I live doesn’t even begin to describe
my feelings for them. I thank God for the weather in Florida, for allowing us to travel to Miami and back safely, for
my peers at St. Mark’s Youth Group, and for all the other things that I can’t possibly mention in this entry. Last but
not least, I thank God for Lee. My Angel. My inspiration. My saving grace. It’s not often we get second
chances in life. Oh, I thank God for that, too!
8:23 pm est
Sunday, April 2, 2006
Butterballs and Snowflies
One of the toughest things to do in college is maintain a perfect GPA through four years. It’s one of those things
that takes just one blemish to undo all the time and effort that is put forth in pursuit of perfection. I wouldn’t know.
I never even came close to getting a 4.0 in any semester at Tulane. I do, however, remember a couple of classmates that
devoted their college lives to graduating with an immaculate academic record.
But as with all things perfect, the pursuit of such a tall order comes with its share of risk. Sometimes, all it
takes is a fraction of a moment to set into motion a domino effect that sends perfection tail spinning into oblivion.
(Wow! That was a pretty dramatic sentence even for me.) What I am referring to is the snowball that becomes the avalanche.
The flutter of a butterfly’s wings that concludes as a tidal wave crashing onto the shore. It is the chaos that springs
forth unexpectedly by a lapse of concentration or a deliberate lack of effort.
From a physical standpoint, we can see it happen in real life. Like the aforementioned avalanche and tidal wave,
we can map out the cause-and-effect results of what should be benign events that happen in the natural world. But what
about the emotional world? What about the unpredictability that comes with the mixing of testosterone and estrogen?
The sometimes combustible nature of two X chromosomes interacting with an XY?
With regards to relationships, the cause-and-effect is not so much visually seen as it is emotionally felt. It
is often a question that begins with, “What do you think about ……?” and concludes 45 minutes later with, “What the F are you
talking about?” I am still amazed at how much trouble we – and by we, I mean men – can get into without even trying.
It’s not like we need the help. Lord knows we do a pretty good job of messing up all on our own. But sometimes
we don’t even mean to and we F up royally.
The sad part is this will always continue to happen. No matter how much we try to prepare and avoid those situations,
we guys will inevitably make a mistake. Not only will we mess up, we will do so unintentionally and without any knowledge
to ourselves.
The important thing is to recognize that we do mess up. Not just recognize, but also make up for. I think
this is more important than trying not to mess up in the first place. Because unlike a GPA, in a relationship you can
still get back to perfection after a slip and fall. You can still recover, rekindle and reset. You can always
find your way back to what works, what is real, and what is right. If anything is worth devoting your life to, it’s
that.
11:46 pm est
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