My thoughts on "I'm sorry"
Here's a reason of reasons why I say "I'm sorry." (click for a formal definition)
#1 to apologize for intentional harm
The first reason for saying "I'm
sorry," and probably the meaning most associated with the phrase, is to
apologize for intentional harm. If I hurt someone, and then realize that it was
wrong and regret my actions, I'll feel guilty and apologize, probably by saying
"I'm sorry." This is one of the reasons I tell people "I'm sorry."
#2 to acknowledge and assume (at least some) responsibility for unintended
harm
Or, suppose I'm on a bus and, without meaning to, I bump someone. "I'm
sorry," I'll most likely say. Why would I say this? It is not just a
formality. By bumping someone, I have (presumably) caused that person
discomfort. I have violated that person's space and his right to a bus ride free
of unwelcome physical contact. In a very real sense, I have wronged that person.
I didn't mean to, and I didn't want to – but, I have still done something bad to
another person. Therefore, I express my feelings and take blame for the incident by uttering the words "I'm sorry."
#3 to express sympathy, pity, and/or grief
The third reason I say "I'm
sorry" is probably the most misunderstood. This occurs in situations like
A: My dog died.
B: I'm sorry (or I'm sorry that happened.)
(There is some overlap here. I might say "I'm sorry" and mean some of reason #1 as well as #3.)
Again, this is not a mere formality (definition 3). If I learn of something like this, I most likely feel sorry. I don't feel responsible, but I do feel sympathy. Or pity. Or a sense of grief. Maybe one or more of these. The point is, some acknowledgement of the other person's hurt. By saying "I'm sorry," I acknowledge that I understand – or am trying to understand – the sadness of the other person, of the situation at hand. By saying "I'm sorry," I'm trying to articulate that I care, that this matters to me, and that I, too, am now – at least in a very nominal sense – emotionally involved with this person and the situation.
The event being discussed need not be wholly incomprehensible. It may be something that was bound to happen, or even something necessary. But the point is that the other person is unhappy or uncomfortable, or in some other way emotionally disturbed by the event. This is why it upsets me sometimes when people presume, deduce, or imply that I'm saying "I'm sorry" for no reason, as some meaningless token (adj, def 2.b.) phrase, as nothing more than a polite gesture. At least for me, the words "I'm sorry" have real meaning. I don't appreciate it when someone tries to deny me this. It is sometimes even personally offensive, and I would go as far to say that resent it when someone tries to strip away the genuine import of these words. I do not say "I'm sorry" for any reason unless I actually do feel sorry (unless I'm joking or trying to joke). If I say "I'm sorry," I honestly do feel sorry. And thus, (logically,) if I don't truly feel sorry, I won't say "I'm sorry."
Maybe I say "I'm sorry" too often. (I've been told that I do.) But if I do say "I'm sorry," please understand that I mean it. Maybe it's unhealthy or unjustified for me to feel sorry so often. (Maybe I have a bleeding heart (def 2). But that's okay, I'm liberal.) Maybe it's even presumptive for me to feel sorry so much. But I don't say "I'm sorry" for no reason. (If there's any point to this collection of thoughts, that's it.)