I quitted today

　
I quitted today, my newspaper column, not my day job. Sometimes I do wish I could quit both. To find something to put into the column every other week was not an easy task. It could be one of the reasons that I can’t work on my novels. I am thirty-six this year. The dream of becoming a novelist has never faded. And I know it would come back to haunt me soon.

Maybe I deserve the haunting and taunting though. If there is a God of literacy, it would be pretty pissed at this point. I’ve used my aspiring novelist status so much that even myself found it ridicules. I could get wasted. I could go to places where decent human beings wouldn’t go. I could try illegal substance although I would never admit to that. And when I was single, many times I could begin my conversation with a girl: "I want to hear your story" and end up in bed with her.

With all that, last time I checked, I have completed 0.0% of my novel.

It’s not because of lack of preparation. I have a big box of sharpened pencils, which I can’t write without. I have the graph paper that people use to draw charts, the only kind of paper that I can write on. I have writing materials. Unlike my super dull life, people I talked to all live their lives more fully and I did take all their great stories into the heart. I have watched many movies. I read too. If there is a competition of the best preparation work for novel writing, I can win that easily.

But there is not. And I completed 0.0% of my novel.

It’s not because of lack of anticipation or expectation. I appreciate my friends who ask about my writing status once a while. I know you would like to read it. I would too, probably a lot more than you. There are also harsh inquiries, like the ones coming from my ex-brother-in-law. He quitted his good day job couple years ago to become a full-time writer. Crazy and immature, I thought. I had much better writing style and got more recognition at his age. Of course now he is a well-established novelist. By the way, when he quitted his day job, he created a little social network website. As a huge blow to my wisdom, his website has become one of the hottest online properties. He will turn into a young multi-millionaire when he feels like selling it to Google or Yahoo one day. Not to my surprise, he won't forget to ask where my great novel is every time I meet him. Maybe he should take easy on me since his sister dumped me. Anyhow, I would still appreciate if it helps.

But with all that, I completed 0.0% of my novel.

It’s not because of lack of intention. I want to finish my novel. I want to alter people’s life and make people happier through my writing. I want people to think of my words like that way I think of Haruki Murakami’s all the time. Like this:

No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% perfect boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about. --On Seeing The 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning, Haruki Murakami

With one powerful paragraph like that, I want people to wonder if they miss their 100% perfect person, to understand the other person couldn’t say anything because he/she is afraid of going to pieces, to sit down and take a deep breath when they find themselves in the same situation and will never be able to recover, and, to realize what growing older is all about. With one powerful paragraph like that, I want to get into people’s life. And I want to have more than one, of course.

But no matter what I want, I completed 0.0% of my novel.

However I know it will change soon.
　

中時觀念平台: ＜蒙塵的鑽石＞

　
距離杜勒斯機場還有二十分鐘的距離，飛機已經開始緩緩向下滑行，我闔上電腦望著窗外，夜晚的城市總有讓人百看不厭的風景．而我最愛的，還是棒球場．人們總是用鑽石來形容棒球場的形狀，從空中像地上瞭望，地上的球場的水銀燈正如在扇型的珠寶盒裡，閃亮的珍珠項鍊．

在接下來的二十分鐘裡，我突然體悟到在台灣，我們把棒球稱做國球，是多麼諷刺的一個稱謂．大華府地區是棒球的沙漠，在這裡人們最在乎的運動是美式足球，籃球，冰上曲棍球，最後才是棒球．可是在這最後一百公里不到的航程當中，地上卻灑滿了紅土綠草舖成的鑽石．我在一萬呎的天空開始一個一個數著，一直到四五十個之後，我認命地放棄了．

跟遍地開花的美國比起來，資源稀少的台灣球員能夠有今天的成就，可以算是一個奇蹟．或許這正是為什麼曹錦輝跟黃俊中的命運，很令我傷心的緣故．這些曾經是天才的孩子，在美國完成了社會化，或是轉大人的過程．小聯盟的訓練在心理跟精神上的磨難是我們難以想像的，這個過程並不是像電影《百萬金臂》(Bull Durham)裡面的嘻笑怒罵，而是《棒球男孩》(Suger)裡面的臨淵履薄．而一切的折磨過去了，回到故鄉的結果，卻是輕易地被台灣的業餘職棒染化成今日的風景．

台灣的職棒，需要職業化．這個一再重複的放水醜劇已經證明重重防堵的機制不
是答案．我們需要有一個用自由市場經濟來決定球員價值的聯盟，需要有複數年合約，自由球員制，農場制度，一軍最低薪資保障，工會制度，完整的業餘選秀，這些大家說了不能再說的事情，就是除去賭博黑幕的唯一手段．殺頭的生意都有人做，我不能想像人們嘗試用法律，甚至是道德跟良知去解決經濟問題．

我不知道那些月薪不到十萬，隨時可以被解約的兄弟主力選手，要怎樣拒絕金錢的誘惑．我聽到檢查官在調查不公開的原則之下，公開表示對於選手竟然對收錢這件事情缺乏警覺性，只能覺得莞爾．選手們從小就是用表現換取來自各方金錢的獎勵，青少棒比賽場外觀眾高興就發的紅包，國中高中時期職業球團私下給的營養金，甚至連選手到美國打威廉波特少棒賽，也有愛心僑胞送錢來．沒想到進入職棒之後，他們才驚覺在毫無保障的環境下，靠棒球拿錢的生涯的終點竟然隨時就會出現．這時候一場比賽數十萬元的放水金，我不知道有多少人可以拒絕．

棒球場應該像是鑽石一般閃亮，弔詭的是鑽石其實無價，唯有市場經濟才能賦予價值．正如兄弟象領隊所說，美好的一仗已經打過．我相信，台灣有真正職業棒球的市場．倘若兄弟跟興農兩支球團，沒有財力或是意願讓自由經濟體制的機制，帶聯盟走出黑幕的循環，現在，是該離開的時候．
　
　

中時觀念平台: ＜獅子跟巨蟹的異數＞

　
周末前我妹丟給我一本書，作者是葛拉威爾（Malcolm Galdwell）。讀完以後上網才知道中譯本在今年初已經由時報出版，台灣的書名是《異數》。這本書跟他之前的幾本暢銷書一樣，都是用很簡單的方法，來解釋一些生活中乏人注意的因果關係。對我來說，從這本書得到的啟示是，像是我們這種七八月生的倒楣鬼，在求學的過程裡，經歷了這麼多不公平的對待，到現在就算是失敗也是理所當然，其實對成功是不需要有太多幻想的。

我當然不是指我們的生日都是在暑假，所以從來沒有機會讓同班同學一起拍手唱生日歌這麼簡單的事情。整個教育系統對我們這些可憐的巨蟹跟獅子來說，迫害的層面遠遠不僅於此。

事情是這樣的。葛拉威爾拿出一支加拿大冰上曲棍球隊的名單，指出整支球隊裡面，大部分的球員都是一到三月出生的。這個奇特的現象跟星相學一點也沒有關係，這些月出生的小孩也沒有什麼基因學上面的優勢。造成這個現象最主要的原因，就只是因為他們比別人早生出來。加拿大的曲棍球賽制，是以一月一號為年齡的標準，在一到三月出生的小孩，永遠是在同班同學裡面最年長的一群。這個月份的優勢，讓他們比同儕發育得快，在體育活動的選拔上面，比較容易獲得教練的青睞。

不只是身體上面的優勢，葛拉威爾從「國際數學與科學教育普查」（TIMSS）的資料中發現，在同年級的學生當中，年齡大的比年齡小的，成績高出了四％至十二％。因為除了小時了了的孔融以外，大部分人的智力跟體能一樣，都是隨著年齡而成長。年紀比較大的孩子，在班級當中自然顯得比較聰明。在我們那個連假裝常態分班都不需要的年代，所謂的升學班，自然充斥著年齡比較大的孩子。許多具有同樣學習潛力的小孩，只因為並沒有足夠的月份長大成熟，就被升學主義丟到後面去。在台灣，九月是學齡的分界，所以七八月生的小孩，是最屈劣勢的一群。

當然九月跟十月出生，那些處女座或天秤座的傢伙，一定會得了便宜又賣乖地說，這是外國人斷章取義的說法。那就讓我們看看中華職棒二十年的球員名單吧，在四隊一軍本土球員當中，九月到十一月出生的占最多數，是全部球員的二九％。而毫無意外地，六到八月出生的球員少了將近四成，僅僅只有十八％。還是不相信的人，就讓我們來看看今年夏天在威廉波特光榮打進世界冠軍賽的桃園龜山少棒隊好了。在十二名小球員當中，九月出生的，剛剛好就佔了一半。

葛拉威爾提到教育學上的馬太效應，越是成功的孩子，越會得到老師的關注，成績就會越好。不管是體育或是智育，都是如此。許多台灣的家長努力要把未屆齡的小孩提早送進學校，殊不知得到的卻會是反效果。雖然書上也花了很多時間談到努力比天才重要，家庭環境對成功的影響那些大道理，可是對我來說最大的衝擊，還是我們這些七八月誕生的小孩，到現在才弄清楚自己從起跑點開始就落後人家一大步的殘酷現實，想一想還真是莫名其妙。