All Facts

All Facts:

Cole is 100 feet tall.
Sal Fasano is afraid of Cole Hamels.
Hamels is a sure thing. Only some sort of freak injury or something could keep him from saving the franchise. And we know that will never happen.
Cole K's men by the hundreds. And if HE were in the MAJORS (read: when he's in the majors), he'd consume the METS with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.
Cole Hamels outpitched Steve Carlton before he was even born.
Pedro Martinez keeps a picture of Cole Hamels under his hat for inspiration.
If Cole Hamels wanted to he could steal your girl and, because he's so great, you'd want to watch him take care of business with her. He wouldn't do such things though, because he's Cole Hamels.
Jack Bauer calls Cole Hamels for advice.
Cole Hamels is the only person Barbara Bush fears.
Fear itself is afraid of Cole Hamels.
For Halloween, Chuck Norris went as Cole Hamels.
When kids go to bed they wear Superman pajamas; when Superman goes to bed he wears a Cole Hamels jersey.
The chief export of Cole Hamels is K's.
When Cole Hamels passes "Go", he collects $400.
Cole Hamels punches people so hard he breaks his own hand.
Cole is so handsome that he dates a Playboy cover girl.
Cole's poop is used as currency in Clearwater.
Not only does Cole watch movies with Gladiators, he stars in them.
One time Cole Hamels spent 40 days in the desert. To survive, he ate whole camels.
Cole Hamels's picture is on every crisp 100 dollar bill.
Cole has never had a date, because everyone strikesout with him.
Santa Claus asks for Cole in his stockings.
Cole Hamels once pegged a batter so hard that the batter's twin brother died. He then ate their corpses, pooped them out and struck that out too.
Cole Hamels can understand every word joboggi writes.
God says "Cole Hamels darn it!".
My wife yells out Cole Hamels's name in bed (and half the time he isn't there).
Cole doesn't need to be in the same room to sleep with your wife.
Cole Hamels is so great that he makes suicide commit life.
Cole Hamels expected the Spanish Inquisition.
On his off days, Cole Hamels kicks Chuck Norris' ass and then sleeps with Chuck's woman. When she regains her strength (on Cole's' scheduled start days), she kicks Chuck's ass.
Wayne Gomes delivers Cole Hamels's newspaper, and Cole doesn't even tip him.
Jeff Jackson picked Cole Hamels first in an elementary school kickball game.
Cole Hamels can throw a pitch that God can't hit.
When I look to the East in the morning, Cole Hamels comes over the horizon.
Cole Hamels invented the internets just so a web page could be built in his honor.
Cole Hamels only pitches left handed because it was too easy pitching with his right.
Cole wears a left handed glove upside down and backwards....Jimi Hendrix liked it and played his guitar that way as a tribute to Cole...
When Cole was 5 years old he impregnated a woman, 9 months later she gave birth to an 8 pound 6 ounce bar of gold.
Cole Hamels forced Gandhi to eat.
Cole Hamels once threw a curve ball so well that the batter's children struck out.
Cole Hamels walked into Chickie's and Pete's wearing a Terrell Owens Cowboys jersey and people bought him drinks.
When Cole whistles, furry little woodland creatures gather at his feet........clamoring for conversation.
Cole Hamels once dug all the way to China with chop sticks. On the way, the lava people of middle-Earth stopped Cole for autographs and asked him what was up with that Charlie guy.
Cole Hamels could work for PSE&G because he always puts opposing batters' lights out.
Kanye West almost needed to pay Cole Hamels royalties to release that "Jesus Walks" song, but Cole let it go, because he doesn't walk anyone so it couldn't really be about him.
When Cole throws three straight balls, he isn't worried, cause he still has two more left.
When Cole Hamels throws a ball, he glares up at the scoreboard, changing it to a strike.
When Cole Hamels hits a batter, it is always on purpose.
Cole Hamels gets into a barroom brawl every time he gives up a run. He has only been in one barroom brawl.
When Delmon Young heard Cole was promoted to triple-A, he went and got himself suspended.
Cole Hamels is a known descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. He has a hard time enjoying a pool in the summer because he just can't shake that family trait of walking on water.
Cole Hamels invented socks.
Cole puts his pants on 2 legs at a time.
During grand jury testimony, Barry Bonds admitted to using three substances later determined to be illegal performance enhancers. These three were The Cream, the Clear and Cole Hamels.
Cole sky dives with no parachute.
Cole Hamels invented the Internet. He did this so somebody, someday would start this web site.
Cole Hamels will wear #25- two better than Jordan and one better than Kobe.
Cole Hamels once punched a man so hard that he broke his multi-million dollar pitching hand and then lied to the cops about the incident.
Compared to Cole Hamels, opposing pitchers are so crappy that they give Pepto Bismol the runs.
Cole Hamels pulls more tail than a veterinarian.
Cole Hamels is so revered that at Christmas, Santa sits on his lap.
When Cole gets Chinese takeout, he uses one chopstick. When he opens his fortune cookie, it says, "You're Cole Hamels. Lucky Numbers - You tell me".
When Cole was born, he beaned the doctor with a fastball, made out with the nurse, and struck his father out in two pitches!
Cole Hamels's preferred catcher is Cole Hamels.
Cole must pitch to mitts made of Kevlar.
When Cole Hamels pitches, the Home Plate umpire is not actually required to attend the game.
Cole Hamels will win 1 Cy Young... and 11 Cole Hamels.
Cole bats 8th.
Cole was Bugs Bunny's private pitching coach.
Cole Hamels went down to Georgia, dropkicked the Devil, and then burnt down Turner Field.
By law, Cole is forbidden to work at any company that has a softball team.
On its way to the plate, Cole Hamels's breaking ball actually stops in mid-air, says, "Ya' Momma" to the batter, and then breaks.
Cole's birth was covered on This Week in Baseball.
Cole Hamels looks gift horses in the mouth. And then punches them.
Cole Hamels once threw a perfect game in which he struck out all 27 batters that he faced. The day before, Cole's pitching arm was broken in a horrible fall while rescuing kittens from a burning building.
Cole spits in the wind and tugs on Superman's cape.
Cole Hamels knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
Cole Hamels never needs an insurance run, but will drive one in anyway.
Cole Hamels is the real last son of Krypton.
Cole will call himself up when the time is right.
The name "Cole Trickle" was used instead of Cole Hamels in Days of Thunder to protect young Cole's future development. They didn't want stardom to get to his head at such a young age.
Cole Hamels was Julia Robert's body double in Pretty Woman. It was the scene where the hooker strikes out 27 consecutive batters during a wiffle ball contest and then beats up 11 rival hookers. The scene was cut from the final by the MPAA because it was too intense for the PG-13 audience.
Cole Hamels shot a man in Reno. Not to watch him die, mind you, but so that Cole could bring him back to life.
Cole Hamels is also Kevin Oudeis.
Cole Hamels is the only true ace - proving that unassisted human flight is indeed possible.
Cole Hamels walks on water and swims on land.
Cole Hamels's farts smell like roses.
Cole Hamels walks batters just because he can.
Cole Hamels parted the Red Sea while on break from building The Pyramids. He gave Moses the credit because he's just that kind of guy.
Cole likes to let his competitors feel like they're winning, because he doesn't like them to die embarrassed.
You can't divide by zero, but Cole Hamels can.
Cole Hamels receives HBO... on basic cable.
Geico saved a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Cole Hamels.
In Bush's next State of the Union, he is going to proclaim, "America is addicted to Cole!"
The real reason that the Phillies will be leaving Scranton next year? The thought of the Red Barons without Cole Hamels will be too much to bear.
I won my fantasy league with one player, Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels understands Ulysses.
Researchers thought they had discovered an alternative fuel source in North Eastern Pennsylvania but it turned out to be a Cole Hamels fastball. They are currently trying to harness it, which they fear is impossible.
Cole Hamels warned George Bush that it wasn't a good idea.
US intelligence thought they had proof that Iran was testing nuclear weapons, but in fact it was just the sound of Cole Hamels's fastball hitting a catcher's mitt in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Cole's changeup is so deadly that it used to be a federal offense. Cole had to get himself elected to the Supreme Court in order to change the law.
If you record yourself saying "Cole Hamels" and play it backwards Judas Priest style, you'll hear: "Koufax Sucked"
The first night of the holiest of Jewish Holidays was named after Kol Hamels.
In the beginning Cole created the heaven and the earth. - And the Philadelphia was without form, and void; and The NL East was upon the face of the Phillies. And the Spirit of Cole moved upon the face of Philadelphia. - And Cole said, Let there be light: and there was light. - And Cole saw the light, that it was good: and Cole divided the light from the NL East. - And Cole called the light Philadelphia, and the darkness he called New York. - And Cole said, Let there be a World Series in the midst of the NL East, and let it divide the Philadelphia from the NL East. - And Cole made two great pitches; the greater pitch to rule the New York, and the lesser pitch to rule the Atlanta: he made the stars also. - And to rule over the NL East and over the National League, and to divide the Phillies from the National League: and Cole saw that it was good. - And Cole blessed them, saying, Be a Dynasty, and win many World Series, and fill the NL East w/ sadness, and let the Philadelphians multiply and multiply.........on Broad Street -And on the last day Cole refused to rest...pitching another 2 hit shutout, just for the Hell of it. Despite reports to the contrary, all your base are belong to Cole Hamels.
When Smokey the Bear said "Only you can prevent forest fires," he was speaking only to Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels's fastball is the world's 2nd leading cause of de-forestation.
Once upon a time, all the continents were together in a land mass known as Pangea. Then they found out about Cole Hamels being born in the future and all the other continents tried to get as far away from North America as possible. South America, knowing Bobby Abreu would be born there in the future, was a little too lazy to get that far.
Cole Hamels's changeup will force scientists to reevaluate modern physics, as current theory deems that pitch impossible.
Cole Hamels had a (Aaron) Rowtee once. He thought it was completely ridiculous and shaved it off. The hairs he shaved off grew up to become Sal Fasano's Fu Manchu.
Fun Fact about Rembrandt van Rijn, his paintings didn't sell at all early in his career, why?........... Cole only taught him how to paint corners.
Cole found Waldo and Carmen San Diego, and then struck them out to retire the side.
Pedro Martinez has been quoted as saying "Wake up the darn Bambino, maybe I'll drill him in the booty." Cole Hamels laughs at these silly hypotheticals.
During his first start at Yankee Stadium, Cole Hamels has plans to throw a pitch faster than the speed of light. This pitch will travel back in time to September 29, 1932, and drill the Bambino in the booty, thus preventing him from playing in the rest of the World Series. Not only that, but Cole Hamels will calibrate his speed so perfectly that it strikes Ruth in the middle of his 7th-inning at-bat against spitballer Burleigh Grimes, thus maximizing the plausibility of the situation.
Grimes will be kicked out of baseball, and the Cubs will win the 1932 World Series. And in 2006 the Phillies, rather than the Cubs, will be the National League's "lovable losers" media darling. Except that unlike the Cubs, they will not suck.
Cole Hamels actually made Comcast's Daily News Live interesting.
Cole Hamels once struck a man out looking. Literally. Cole just gazed at him and the batter was retired on strikes.
Cole Hamels will be so good, he will rewrite the history books. For example, in 2074, a history book describing America's first president, George Washington, will refer to him as a "Hamelsesque man."
Cole Hamels struck out Jack Bauer, Mr. T, and Chuck Norris to complete a perfect game. Bauer didn't even last 24 seconds in the box. Hamels then pitied the fool that couldn't catch up to his fastball on the outside corner. Finally, Norris tried to roundhouse kick the ball, but even he couldn't handle Cole's changeup.
Cole's poop is considered to be a delicacy and sells at thrice the rate that Kobe Beef sells for.
If one were to successfully collect Cole's sweat from a game and then drink it at midnight, he or she would be imbued with superpowers for 48 hours. The problem is that Cole doesn't sweat. Sweating means that you are either nervous or exerting yourself, and Cole has no need for those.
You could say that sweating is a process that the body uses to cool itself. Well, Cole is so cool already that his body has need for such pedestrian processes and if it ever came to pass that the weather was such that it would make Cole hot, then Cole would just stare at the Earth and make it change its angle to the sun.
Billy Beane weeps daily because he didn't realize that drafting only college pitchers meant losing out on Cole.
Cole held his breath for 9 minutes while perched on a 44 foot pole encased in a block of ice.
Evil is constantly on the run now that Cole is with us.
Cole knows what the Hanso foundation is up to and will put an end to it.
Cole Hamels invented the Internet. When Al Gore tried to take credit, Hamels K'd him with a curve...but not before hitting a home run with his daughter.
Bush's contingency plan if Iran continues its nukes is to send Cole over there and destroy their reactors with his fastballs.
NASA has asked Cole to throw a probe at Mars.
Cole Hamels once struck out 34 batters in a 9 inning game. Afterwards, he helped the concession crew fill the ketchup bottles and napkin dispensers. Then he went to a nightclub down the shore and sat in on bass with Bruce Springsteen. They played a 19 hour set.
Cole Hamels logged on to colehamelsfacts.com one day and laughed so hard that California broke away from the continental United States and sank into the sea. Cole was pissed because it meant that he now needed to get wet in order to peg Barry Bonds in the head.
When Cole Hamels walks into the bathroom, he uses the urinal and makes Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris share the same toilet.
Cole Hamels does not need to walk into the bathroom in order to use the urinal.
Cole Hamels's internal organs are so efficient, he produces no waste.
The real reason why Cole had a back injury is because he threw a ball so hard it went all the way around the world and hit him in the back.
Soon US Currency will be backed by Cole Hamels autographs.
Cole Hamels once struck out the side six times in one game.
Of course, by "struck out the side" I mean that he struck a cow with such force that a side of beef was dislodged, which Cole Hamels then devoured. He did this five times between innings, and once when at bat.
The alphabet looked like this before Cole Hamels. ABCDEFGHIJLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
George Bush has done a 180 on his stance on stem cell research once he realized that without it there will be no Cole Hamels clones.
Cole Hamels made E. Coli change its name.
The MLB record books will be altered on Friday night (May 12, 2006 - The Day The Batters Died), when a "Perfect Game" no longer consists of merely not allowing anyone on base, but also not throwing any pitches out of the strike zone. All players who previously have thrown supposedly perfect games will no simply get credit for a "No-Baserunner" and Cole Hamels will be the proud owner of the only perfect game ever thrown. Hamels will eventually throw 8 more Perfect Games during the 2006 season.
Cole Hamels has now made coal more valuable than diamonds.
Cole hasn't yet messed with Texas, but his changeup/ fastball combination sure will.
"Hamels turned cold weather into Cole weather." - Paul Hagen of the Philadelphia Daily News
Vera Wang's spring collection of wedding gowns will be made entirely of fabric spun from Cole Hamels's chest hair.
Cole can breathe through his eyelids.
Whenever Cole Hamels pitches on the road the stadium has to play the song "Bad Day" to cheer the hitters up after the game.
Cole Hamels makes Johan Santana look like Julio Santana.
Cole Hamels's pitches are so confusing and have so much "action" that they fool the speed gun into reading 91 to 93 when they are really closer to 128 MPH.
Cole Hamels will make "miles per hour" obsolete in judging the speed of a pitch.
With Cole's promotion to the majors, Scranton has been placing a life size cardboard cut-out of Cole on the mound every 5 days. It is averaging 13.5 K/9.
MLB preparing big changes MSNBC - 33 minutes ago Cincinnati, Ohio -- Upon being alerted of Cole Hamels being promoted to the big leagues, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the universal symbol for a strikeout will be changed from a 'K' to a 'C'.
Cole Hamels would have caught (Mets outfielder Xavier) Nady's ball (Rowand's "The Catch") without landing on the 15 day DL.
Mathematicians have decided to include the number '35' in the binary code in honor of Cole.
2007 is when the Cole Hamels rule will be implemented in baseball: Against Cole Hamels, if a hitter doesn't swing, it is no longer a strike.
If Cole Hamels played centerfield, he would have asked for less padding.
Mike Lieberthal isn't actually injured. He's just scared of trying to catch Cole's changeup
Cole Hamels isn't left-handed, he's bored.
Cole Hamels confiscated all of your phone records and didn't even have to ask.
Sitting in Citizens Bank Park on May 11th, Cole casually mentioned that the fences looked a little close. In an effort to appease Cole, Aaron Rowand attempted to move the centerfield wall back by headbutting it.
Cole Hamels pumps his own gas... directly from the ground.
When Billy Wagner first saw Cole Hamels pitch he said he was gonna be a good one. The next day he said the same thing.
Cole Hamels is pro-steroids. He wants to give opposing teams a fighting chance.
Cole Hamels invented syphilis to rid the world of Mets fans.
I played a Black Sabbath LP backwards on my turntable at 78 RPM and saw Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels makes coffee nervous.
Cole's heater is the primary cause of gas prices increasing drastically.
On the days he isn’t pitching, Cole Hamels is the Phillie Phanatic.
They tried to name a street after Cole Hamels, but people kept dying at the intersection - no one crosses Cole Hamels and lives.
Cole Hamels doesn't play poker anymore because every time he does, he gets dealt a Royal Flush.
In Fantasy Baseball Leagues across the nation, the teams that have picked up Cole Hamels from the waiver wire have automatically won their league championship through forfeit. Other fantasy managers have realized that they stand no chance to Cole's projected stats this season of 900IP, 0.00ERA, 0.00WHIP, 2,700Ks, 100W and 100S. One fantasy owner was reported as attempting to trade for Cole Hamels in his league, and had to give up Albert Pujols, $1000, and the rights to his own wife on Monday nights.
Cole Hamels made a catch even more difficult than Aaron Rowand's, but it wasn't as dramatic because he parted the fence on his way out.
Cole Hamels ran w/ Forest Gump across the country, then decided that Gump was stupid and life was not like a box of chocolates, so he proceeded to bean Gump with a fastball, beat him in ping-pong, and have sex w/ Jenny....all at the same time.
36 countries have national defense strategies designed to protect themselves against Cole's left arm. These plans are futile.
As a 6 year old Cole Hamels once had 27 strikeouts. It was a Tee-ball league.
George Bush claimed that the federal government was monitoring Cole Hamels actions because, "Any man with a changeup that deceptive must be monitored for national security reasons." In actuality, Bush is afraid Hamels may attempt to have sex with his twin daughters. He already has, twice.
Players' wives have been explicitly told by the Phillies organization not to attend games on days that Cole Hamels is pitching. The clubhouse implications would be catastrophic.
Cole Hamels does not need steroids. His natural testosterone level is equivalent to that of a large male horse.... on steroids.
Upon hearing an ignorant fan leading and E-A-G-L-E-S cheer at a Phillies game, Cole Hamels approached the man and told him that he had lost the respect of Cole Hamels. The man was paralyzed with shame and died of hunger 3 weeks later.
Cole Hamels fastball will cause baseball to move to floating stadiums at sea, since sonic booms are not allowed over land.
When Cole throws a fastball to the east, the recoil slows down the rotation of the earth. He corrects this by throwing his changeup.
The fear of Cole Hamels has BALCO experimenting with nuclear elephant hormones.
Cole Hamels would eat a homeless person if you dared him.
Cole Hamels invented the C-section when he threw a 100 mph fastball through his mother's belly.
Cole Hamels knocked down the Berlin Wall. With a changeup.
Cole Hamels shows up for practice every day. On time.
Cole Hamels's changeup slowed the rotation of Earth by 3 days, that's why February is so short.
Mr. Miyagi waxes Cole Hamels car.
Cole Hamels is responsible for throwing the planets into orbit around the sun.
Cole Hamels only needs two seams to throw a four seam fastball.
Joe Namath wants to kiss Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels disproved the Pythagorean Theorem.
To solve the number of immigrants crossing U.S. borders, the government will use Cole to "plunk" any illegal immigrants. Cole will monitor the borders from a distance and take out any illegals crossing the border. Government believes that after a few immigrants get hit, the crossing of the border will cease to exist in fears of the Cole fastball at their head.
To keep spiraling cost of healthcare costs down, a replica of Cole's DNA will be injected in all U.S. citizens as a way to prevent cancer, heart disease, strokes, diabetes, aids, and any other ailment.
Cole has so many corporate sponsors (Nike, Coca Cola, Microsoft, General Electric, etc.) that he is donating the money from his endorsements to pay down the US national debt and to ensure social security will be fully funded for the next millennium.
Einstein stated that nothing can travel the speed of light. Cole Hamels immediately threw one of his ungodly fastballs at Einstein propelling him 10 times the speed of light, thus proving Einstein wrong.
Cole once threw a fastball (in the dirt) so hard, it dug up Jimmy Hoffa.
Cole could have convicted O.J.
On take your kids to work day, Cole Hamels decided to bring Cole Jr. to a game against the Giants. Since the Phillies were already 161-0, the team decided to let Cole Jr. pitch. He pitched a no-hitter with 3 walks. He hit Barry Bonds 3 times...on purpose
Pat’s and Geno’s have changed their names to Cole's and Hamels's respectively, as a gesture of respect.
Cole Hamels once threw a changeup that the batter swung at three times, thus recording the first ever one pitch strike out. He has since done it 37 more times.
Just like the Beatles classic there are in fact eight days in Cole Hamels's week and he can pitch on every one of them.
Cole is more powerful than Oprah.
The only certainties in life are death, taxes, and Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is awesome.
Bruce Springsteen penned his hit song "Dead Man Walkin'" as an ode to a frustrated, doomed hitter on his way to the batter's box to face Cole Hamels. The original lyrics read, "'Neath a summer sky my eyes went black/Sister I won't ask for forgiveness/An 0-for-3 with 3 Ks are all I have."
Cole Hamels doesn't really pitch. He just scares the ball towards the plate.
Cole Hamels has a plan to retire from baseball and play football. After the first inning of a late September start, he will sign with the Dallas Cowboys as a quarterback and throw a football through Terrell Owens facemask, decapitating him instantly. Then he will have a threesome with TO's mom and Nicollette Sheridan, and proceed to return to the Phillies game by the bottom of the second to strike out the side again.
Cole Hamels was actually offered the role Roger Clemens played in the movie "Kingpin", but at the age of 10, Cole decided to do Roger a favor since he knew Clemens needed the money and notoriety more than he ever would.
Cole Hamels struck out Eric Lindros's mom, Eric Lindros's dad and Eric Lindros.
Cole Hamels is your father—look into your heart, you know it to be true.
Cole Hamels drank a gallon of milk and 100 peeps in one hour and didn't vomit.
Cole Hamels will win a gold medal in moguls just to make Jeremy Bloom look bad.
Cole Hamels likes it stirred, not shaken.
Cole Hamels bodyslammed Andre the Giant first.
9 out of 10 dentists recommend flossing and mouth wash…Cole Hamels is the tenth dentist.
Cole Hamels beat Contra without losing a life.
Cole Hamels has already dated Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, and the Olsen twins…twice.
Mo Cheeks and Andy Reid are considering quitting because they want to take Charlie Manuel's job of coaching Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano.
Cole Hamels got 5-of-a-kind in no wilds poker.
Tiger Woods isn't really good at golf he just has Cole Hamels play as his stunt double.
It is no coincidence that the FBI's "best lead" in the Jimmy Hoffa case coincided with Cole Hamels's second Major League appearance. In fact, with each Major League appearance, a new mystery will be solved, including crop circles (aliens from Mars), where Bin Laden is hiding (Argentina) and whether Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone (it was actually those two guys on the grassy knoll).
In Wilkes-Barre and Scranton, Cole's ear wax sells for more than a bottle of Cristal.
Cole Hamels makes Randy Johnson look like Lyndon Johnson.
Cole Hamels is so good, Nolan Ryan addresses him as"Sir".
Cole Hamels makes Chuck Norris look like Chuck Knoblauch.
Cole Hamels curve ball is so good, it broke 12 to negative 6.
Cole Hamels eats a footlong hot dog in one bite.
Cole pays a quarter for his Dollar Dogs.
To turn off the lights, Cole Hamels throws a fastball at the light bulb instead of flicking the switch. It's faster that way.
Cole Hamels will carry Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware's 39 electoral votes in 2008 as a write-in candidate, making them red-pinstriped states.
Cole Hamels will walk batters just so he can pick them off before the next pitch. Then he will run over to them as they walk back to the dugout, whisper something to them and make them cry and leave the game. In the locker room after the game, reporters will ask those players what Cole said to them, and they will cry again and run to the off-limits-to-media trainer's room to get away from the reporters. And because it was Cole Hamels that made them cry, they will not be considered sissies but mere mortals. Reporters and fans will refuse to condemn those crying players but instead will say a silent prayer thanking God that He never answered their prayers to become baseball players themselves since they might have had to face Cole.
When Cole Hamels signs autographs, the ink always bleeds. And so does the baseball. And sometimes the fan requesting it, too.
Once Cole Hamels poured fruity pebbles into his bowl and rocks came out, but he still ate them.
When Neil Armstrong took 'the giant leap for mankind' on the moon he stumbled on baseball Cole Hamels had dropped on a previous visit.
Cole Hamels is Agent 006.
On the seventh day, God rested. Cole Hamels rarely pitches on Sundays. Coincidence?
Cole has his cake and eats it too. And then he takes your cake, and eats that as well.
Cole once pitched both ends of a double-header. He pitched the first game lefty, and then pitched the second game righthanded. Both were complete game shutouts.
Cole Hamels likes baseball.
For first grade show and tell, Cole Hamels just stood in front of the class.
When he was born, Cole Hamels was given a rattle and a radar gun.
Cole Hamels uses a rosin bag to dry himself off after every shower.
Allen Iverson drives Cole to practice.
Cole Hamels doesn't iron, he just lays out his clothes between home plate and the pitcher's mound and let's his heater do the rest.
Jon Lieber keeps the traveling suit of Cole's he stole during rookie hazing in a candlelit shrine in the basement as Citizens Bank Park. He framed the stray hair he found on it.
Cole Hamels not only created satellite radio, he created Howard Stern! Hoo, hoo , hoo....tell 'em Fred.
Cole Hamels is so good that he threw a wiffle ball at Veterans Stadium and the stadium fell to the ground. Cole then searched through the rubble and found the wiffle ball in 10 seconds.
Cole Hamels taught Rocky how to fight.
The only reason Barry Bonds is mad at Jeff Kent is because he told Barry about Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels shot 50 Cent 9 times and 50 Cent died. Cole Hamels then brought 50 Cent back to life so 50 Cent would name his 3rd album "Cole Hamels".
Cole Hamels is so great that Sports Illustrated gave him the sportsman of the year award for the next 50 years, just in case.
Cole Hamels doesn't want to embarrass everyone, so he only gives up runs on Christmas.
Cole Hamels always lifts the toilet seat, right after he pees all over it.
When Cole Hamels snaps his fingers, The Fonz comes running.
Cole Hamels's changeup helped JJ's family move out of the projects.
If Cole Hamels portrayed Robert Langdon in The DaVinci Code, he would have solved it on pg. 2.
Cole Hamels's tears could heal cancer patients... could... if they existed.
Cole Hamels won the Tour De France without a bicycle.
Cole Hamels invested in Microsoft in 1979.
Cole Hamels figured out the twist ending to The Sixth Sense -- just by watching the previews!
Cole Hamels convinced Dylan to go electric.
Cole Hamels burned a hole in the ozone layer after a long night of beer and wings.
A Klondike Bar would do anything for Cole Hamels.
When a baseball fan commits hubris, the Baseball Gods deliberate on the proper punishment. When they are done deliberating, the Baseball Gods seek the approval of Cole Hamels.
Who sank Poseidon and Titanic? Cole Hamels did.
Cole Hamels sees dead people… When he does, he strikes them out - sending their spirits back to heaven.
In recent news, Billy Joel was contacted by the FBI in response to his hit song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. The agent could not give specifics but said, “We now believe you as evidence indicates it had something to do with Cole Hamels.”
The entire National League has requested to be traded to the American League to avoid Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels doesn't need to lick to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
Red Barons manager John Russell, who caught Nolan Ryan, says that Cole Hamels can’t be compared to Nolan Ryan because that would be an insult to Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels didn’t need to go to college, because he already has a Doctorate in K’s from the University of Domination.
On May 13th, Cole Hamels received an award from the Stroehmann bakery for actually being “the greatest thing since sliced bread”.
North Korea announced that it has a missile that can reach the coast of Alaska; Cole Hamels announced that he has a fastball that can reach the coast of Mars.
Giants manager Felipe Alou has already decided that the next time they face the Phillies, he plans to bring Barry Bonds in to pitch so he can intentionally walk Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels designed Chris Wheeler’s wig. He said it gives him a laugh, which he needs from time to time to divert his attention from being so dominant.
During his second major league start versus the Milwaukee Brewers, Cole Hamels's fastball caused a vortex of air to form. Due to the butterfly effect, the vortex traveled around the world gaining strength until it came back to strike Ryan Madson in the face, causing him to lose the game Cole had started.
Cole Hamels could make the Devil Rays win a World Series twice in a season and solve world hunger and end war at the same time.
Cole Hamels writes fortunes in fortune cookies.
There are only three types of liars: liars, damn liars, and anyone who claims to have gotten a hit off of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is so good that he once switched his glove to the other hand and struck out the side right handed, just to mix things up.
"The Natural" was loosely based on Cole Hamels at an earlier age....except he never got shot...he quickly fired a fastball at the woman before she could pull the trigger, thus knocking her out. After carrying her 10 miles to the nearest police station, he proceeds to pitch a no hitter and hit 3 home runs the next day.
God did not create Cole Hamels. Cole Hamels created God. God is simply his pet chinchilla.
When Cole Hamels throws a fastball, opposing players on the Mets and Braves pee themselves. Even the ones in the dugout. Even if they aren't playing the Phillies. It's messy.
They say, if you go to the end of a rainbow, you'll find Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels does not throw a changeup or a curve; he simply throws his fastball and alters spacetime accordingly.
When Cole Hamels talks, E. F. Hutton listens.
No more saying "cheese." Photographers now say "COLE" to get people to smile.
Cole Hamels taught David how to throw stones.
It was actually Cole Hamels who crossed the Delaware to defeat the British; he just let George Washington take the credit for it.
Cole Hamels could not be tried by a jury... because Cole has no peers.
Cole Hamels has no idea what "bases loaded" means.
Cole Hamels gets more votes than McPhee and Hicks. He's a real American Idol.
Alvar Hanso fears Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels beat the game of Jumanji without ever saying the word or reaching the end. Hell, he only rolled the dice once, but once he threw his fastball at the board it crumbled and gave up under the pressure.
Cole Hamels is the only person in the world with X, Y, and K chromosomes. In other words strikeouts are literally in his blood.
When God plays Doom, he enters a code to play in "Cole Hamels mode".
Cole Hamels beaned the Jolly Green Giant, exploding him into 50,000 bags of mixed vegetables which Cole spoon fed to all the homeless in Philadelphia.
Cole Hamels booed Santa Claus. Santa Claus accepted it and still gave Hamels a pony, a football, a baseball glove and $5000 the following Christmas.
To this day, Cole Hamels thinks the "7th Inning Stretch" refers to that one time he pitched with a runner on base.
Barnum and Bailey Circus has announced they are closing down. They know Cole Hamels is the greatest show on Earth.
The real reason why it took 4 years for Hamels to reach the majors is because he held back until Tomas Perez was released so he wouldn't get pied with shaving cream every time he pitched.
In 2009, aliens will make their first contact with the human race. When they land, they will ask one question to the U.S. army general who greets them: "How do we get to Citizens Bank Park?"
Cole Hamels has already struck out 13 Braves using his changeup-and he doesn't face them until July.
If Cole doesn't feel like pitching on a Wednesday in New York City, he doesn't.
Cole would have pitched with his right hand on Wednesday against the New York, but the sight of Cole Hamels pitching righty would have caused the Mets fans to explode in their seats, sort of like hearing the voice of God.
Cole Hamels strained his shoulder flipping burgers and hot dogs for the needy for a Memorial Day barbeque.
The two brightest constellations are Cole Hamels, and Cole Hamels’s Belt.
Cole Hamels once threw a ball so fast that nobody on the Earth could hit it. The pitch ended up orbiting the solar system, striking out creatures from other planets as well. The ball is now referred to as Cole's Comet and has Martians wondering, "Can Cole Hamels throw a ball so fast that it can strike himself out?" Upon hearing this question, Cole Hamels threw another fastball at Mars causing the planet to blow up on impact; forever teaching the universe not to question the awesome powers of Cole Hamels.
After working tirelessly with the Phillies training staff, Cole Hamels successfully returned from a shoulder injury in June. Cole Hamels then mercilessly struck out the team trainer, doctor, and surgeon to retire the side.
Most people think that Cole Hamels was on the DL because he was injured. He actually needed two weeks to compete in his annual intergalactic battle with Chuck Norris on Mars. Just like on earth....he is ALWAYS victorious.
Cole Hamels wasn't really hurt; he was just protesting the no-decisions he got until the team realized how much they need him. After all, he's Cole Hamels.
When Cole went on the 15 day DL list, DL stood for Dominus Loci, or master (lord) of the place (town).
Cole Hamels was on the DL because of his own strength. Seeing a 3.18 and no record in 2 starts next to his name, he pinched himself thinking it was a bad dream, thus creating the sore shoulder.
Cole Hamels once went to a carnival and tested his strength by whacking a platform with a mallet. He not only lit up every light, but each bulb shined as brightly as the sun. Each of them burst, resulting in the New York City Blackout of 1977. Mrs. Hamels would give birth the dominant pitcher six years later.
Cole Hamels actually heard a tree fall in a forest with nobody in it.
Cole Hamels was born three days before his mother.
In 2007, Cole Hamels will undergo successful Tommy John surgery. What will make this more than just your routine "TJ" operation is that Hamels will operate on himself .... without anesthesia .... while singing the entire "Abbey Road" album ... backwards ... in Swedish. The surgery will then be renamed "Cole Hamels surgery".
Cole Hamels is so good that in 2006 he wins his first Cy Young. In 2007, he wins the first Cole Hamels award. In 2008, he becomes the first pitcher to lead the league in every pitching category established. In 2009, he is the first player to lead the league in every hitting category established. In 2010, he becomes the first player to own a team, be the general manager, president, manager, and all 25 players of the team. In 2011, he becomes the president of the United States. In 2012, he is so like and admired, that he becomes the first person to be the president of every country on Earth (basically, the president of Earth).
A single sperm of Cole Hamels can impregnate 5 girls if they are standing in a straight line. It is not advised to buy this sperm though, since there is overwhelming evidence suggesting the child will devourer its mother upon birth.
Cole Hamels was originally cast to play Bullseye in the movie Daredevil. The producer was forced to replace Hamels with Colin Farrell because the story called for Bullseye to aim for and miss a throw at Ben Affleck, and everybody knows Cole Hamels never misses.
Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The egg. Cole Hamels put 3 of them up on the scoreboard every time he pitched. This resulted in his opponents becoming chickens and refusing to step into the batter’s box.
Cole Hamels has petitioned the league office to allow him to throw 4 strikes to each batter.
Cole Hamels would have pitched that 16 inning game in 6 innings.
Cole Hamels won the Indy 500 by jogging backwards.
It was Cole's idea to fire Ed Wade.
The way the Cuban Missile Crisis was solved was that Kennedy told the USSR that he would drop Cole Hamels in and have him throw fastballs. He threw one so hard that it later knocked down the Berlin Wall.
When Cole Hamels pitches, Mike Lieberthal naps. He lets Cole's off-speed junk bounce off his chest protector directly back to Cole's glove. Jimmy Rollins naps, too.
Cole Hamels pinch hits for David Bell in with runners in scoring position.
When Cole throws his curve ball, the batter's knees don't buckle, but they are crushed from the immense pressure of the 12 inch drop.
All the teams that passed up Cole Hamels in the draft are now being sentenced to the electric chair.
When Cole Hamels got called up to the majors, 137 minor league players came out of retirement.
Cole Hamels gave Stuart Scott his lazy eye.
A blind man accidentally stepped on Cole's foot. Cole said, " Do you know who I am? I'm Cole Hamels!" And the mere mention of his name cured his blindness. Too bad the only thing he saw was Cole's fastball beaning him in the head, killing him instantly.
The Energizer bunny keeps going because it knows Cole Hamels is after it.
Jeeves asks Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels refers to himself in the fourth person.
Cole Hamels turns the 1-6-3 Double Play…….unassisted.
In 1973, Richard Nixon took the United States Dollar off the Gold Standard, and replaced its backing with Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels doesn't go to the store to get some chicken. He just goes into a nearby farm. He does the same with his eggs.
Cole Hamels's jersey number is 35 because that's the amount of strikeouts he would get in a game if he was allowed.
Cole Hamels doesn't need steroids, steroids need Cole Hamels.
When Cole plays golf he only carries one club; that's all he needs.
Federal law now requires that all children's books begin "Once upon a Cole, ..."
When Cole Hamels plays Nintendo, he doesn't have to blow into the console, it fans him with a nice cool breeze and feeds him grapes one at a time.
Chuck Norris can squeeze coal into a diamond, Cole Hamels can squeeze Chuck into coal.
Cole is incapable of owning a dog, there is no way he could ever “walk” him.
Cole Hamels invented a time machine so he could pitch games 6 and 7 of the 1993 World Series.
Ron Howard has signed on to direct "A Beautiful Arm, the Cole Hamels Story".
Cole Hamels bowled a 301... every time he bowled.
After Rowand ran into the wall, the doctor recommended Cole Hamels and Advil.
Cole Hamels once won a game 0 to -1.
For those of you wondering why a Cole Hamels fastball does not regularly top 120 mph, its because the Phillies, fearing for the safety Mike Lieberthal's aging body, asked NASCAR to install a restrictor plate in Cole's left arm. This decision will be reversed next year when the Phils have a more durable catcher.
On 6-6-06, the Devil fears Cole Hamels.
During the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan of World War II, scientists have proven that it wasn't an atomic bomb dropped, but it was a Cole Hamels's changeup.
The Liberty Bell wasn't cracked in 1835 like we are told, it was really broken in about 1990 when Cole threw his first fastball.
The only reason Cole Hamels doesn't have an official fan club at Citizens Bank Park like most Phillies do is because why does he need one? The crowd in any stadium is his fan club.
A Federal Law was passed when Cole signed with the Phillies that states if the Phillies should attempt to trade Cole to the Mets, Cole will be legally permitted to kill the entire Philadelphia front office, the entire New York front office, and everyone who knows John Smoltz's lifetime ERA.
A group of scientists follow Cole Hamels around collecting dead skin that falls off. This dead skin is sent back to the lab and is the primary ingredient in Pfizer's top-selling drug: Viagra.
A picture of Angelina Jolie's and Brad Pitt's child is reportedly worth $75,000. A picture of Cole and Angelina conceiving this child while Brad happily watches is worth $5 billion.
When first round draft pick Kyle Drabek, a pitcher, was selected by the Phillies, he became overwhelmed with joy. Not because he is going to a great organization, however because he knows he will never need to have the pressure of being the Phillies Ace in the Starting Rotation, because that is Cole Hamels's position for at least 100 years.
When Cole Hamels flies to other cities, he feels bad for his teammates because they have to take a plane.
Jesus sings "Cole Hamels: Superstar".
Cole Hamels's smile creates the Aurora Borealis.
Cole Hamels IS the meaning of life.
Cole Hamels doesn't have to wait in line at Starbucks.
The earth revolves around the sun. The sun revolves around Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels once signed Bill Gates baseball. Bill Gates is now the richest man in the world, and it will stay that way until Cole signs a one year deal.
The Boogie Man checks his closet for Cole Hamels.
When Cole Hamels gets pulled over he writes the cop a ticket,
Global Warming is the direct result of Cole Hamel’s fastballs.
Sexy never left Cole Hamels, Justin Timberlake had to borrow it from him when he wanted to bring it back.
Cole is prone to the occasional back spasm..............but only when Atlas is on a coffee break.
Cole Hamels is not Fergilicious. Fergie wishes she could be Hamelicious but had to settle for less.
When Cole Hamels throws a fastball in Atlanta, the current batter strikes out in New York.
Cole Hamels parted the Red Sea...twice.
Cole Hamels has more friends than Tom from myspace.
Cole Hamels is so good, he leaves Stephen A. Smith speechless.
When Cole Hamels speaks, not only does everyone listen, but they develop an aneurysm in their brain trying to understand the sheer magnitude of what was said.
Cole Hamels made Clint Eastwood's day.
Cole once sued Cannon (sic) because that is the name of his left arm.
Mike Schmidt retired so he wouldn't have to face young Cole Hamels in Batting Practice.
Pete Rose bets on Cole Hamels.
Roger Clemens will pitch this year if Cole Hamels asks him to.
A-Rod and Jeter will kiss and make up to keep from having to face Cole Hamels.
Felix Hernandez lost weight to look more like Cole Hamels.
Not even the Flash can hit a Cole Hamels fastball.
Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller asked Cole Hamels to star in Dodgeball, but he injured too many people during his audition."If you can dodge a Cole Hamels fastball, you can dodge a ball." You can't.
The world's hottest women are getting in line to deflower Cole Hamels because no one has ever even been to first base with him.
The dinosaurs didn't die out from the meteors, they died out from Cole Hamels first fastball.
Cole Hamels has 6 percent body fat. (Editor's note: Seriously)
Cole Hamels once crapped an exact replica of Micky Morandini.
Cole's fastball cannot be caught. He simply wills it to stay in the catcher's glove.
Roger Clemens throws broken bats at opposing batters - Cole's fastball vaporizes all wood upon contact.
Pluto was reclassified a dwarf planet because Cole Hamels said so.
Cole Hamels was given an honorary doctorate from Oxford University, at the age of 3, he had turned it down the 2 previous years.
Cole Hamels was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Cole Hamels shot the deputy.
When it rains, wet gets Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels actually read all of these facts. (Editor's note: Seriously)
The 4 for a $1.00 pricing for a bag of pretzels will return and Cole Hamels will make it so.
Allah prays to Cole Hamels.
Chris Berman gave up announcing Cole Hamels games because he never got to say his, "back,back,back" home run comment.
Cole Hamels was inside the case in the movie Pulp Fiction.
They go back and rename "The Eliminator" from the movie Major League to "The ColeHamelsinator."
The element K is renamed ColeHamels instead of Potassium. Instead we now eat bananas with ColeHamels instead of potassium.
Curt Schilling's bloody sock from the series a few years ago was actually a gift from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can beat Mr Miyagi in a fistfight.
Brad Pitt calls and asks Cole Hamles for tips on women.
Rose from Titanic would leave Jack in a second for Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels brings peace to the Middle East.
Years from now the book, "The Cole Hamels Code" will smash sales of the "Da Vinci Code."
Osama bin Laden surrenders to Cole Hamels just to be close to him.
Cole Hamels plays golf with OJ Simpson.
Bill Gates calls Cole Hamels when his computer freezes.
Cole Hamels is unconstitutional.
Cole Hamels knows where Tupac is hiding.
Eye of The Tiger is about Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels beats out Fidel Castro in an election in 2022.
Will Ferrell gets his material from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is more psychic than Sylvia Browne.
Cole Hamels gets it done with the bat as well. Hamels sunk the Lusitania when he drilled a home run into McCovey Cove with a check swing.
Cole Hamels makes Roger Clemens look like a chubby tool . . . .Oh wait a minute...
During the 2006 season, instead of taking warm up swings, Cole paced through the Phillies dugout. That way he did not have to watch any at bats of David Bell or Sal Fasano.
Jesus died and rose again in three days. Cole Hamels did it one hour … and he’s done it twice.
Jehovah’s Witnesses once tried to convert Cole Hamels. After six minutes they admitted Cole Hamels was God.
Calvin Klein was once around Cole Hamels when he farted. Klein immediately bottled it, mass produced the scent, and sold it as the hot selling Obsession.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but a picture of Cole Hamels is worth $1,000,000.
It's true: Cole Hamels can't hit the broad side of a barn. All he can hit is the corners of the strike zone.
Cole Hamels showed Cuba Gooding, Jr. the money.
A watched pot never boils... unless Cole Hamels is watching it.
Cole Hamels has been forced to wear an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt wherever he goes, because no matter who he is with, they are always stupider than Cole Hamels.
Jesus has a t-shirt that says, "Cole Hamels is my homeboy."
Cole Hamels created God. He then proceeded to give God credit for the creation of Cole Hamels and the Universe. That's just the kind of guy Cole is.
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was not killed by two five-hundred pound bombs, as widely reported. It was a Cole Hamels fastball...and it just grazed him.
Cole could fart and win American Idol.
Cole Hamels walks up to Gino's, orders a wiz witout in Spanish, and they still serve him.
Cole Hamels can slam a revolving door.
James Cameron wanted Cole Hamels to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
When Cole Hamels talks, everybody listens. Then they strike out.
Cole Hamels recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Cole Hamels.
It took a while for Cole to make his debut in Philadelphia because the statue of him that will replace William Penn on top of City Hall is not ready. Artists have had a difficult time finding a material worthy of creating the statue from. Naturally, this is because nothing of this world can aspire to even pretend to be Cole Hamels.
What cocaine is to Bobby Brown, Cole Hamels is to mankind.
Did you know that Cole Hamels is the only person that makes money in a bear market?
Cole Hamels would have left Roger Mason in.
Umpires call balls and strikes behind the mound when Cole pitches because they are afraid of his changeup.
In the original script for Back to the Future "flux capacitor" was actually "Cole Hamels's Fastball".
Little does Rachael Ray know, but Cole Hamels can cook 29 Minute Meals.
Cole Hamels is so good he makes Lastings Milledge look like unsliced bread.
There is a Starting Pitcher, Relief Pitcher, Closer, and Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is the center of the known universe.
Cole Hamels won the Kentucky Derby by 17 lengths over Secretariat.
NASA uses Cole Hamels's fastball to calibrate its instruments.
Cole Hamels freed the Hebrew slaves from the Egyptians.
Cole Hamels struck out Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Jimmie Foxx, Al Simmons and Joe Cronin in order in the All-Star Game 49 years before he was born.
Cole Hamels ate Pat Combs.
Cole Hamels makes Chris Wheeler say intelligent things.
A little-known feature in MLB '07 comes when you try to play a game as the Phillies with Cole Hamels. As soon as the game starts, an animation of the other team forfeiting happens, and a message saying "You win!" appears. A digital Bud Selig then appears and hands Cole the World Series trophy, even if it's an exhibition game. Then Cole has sex with Jennie Finch on the pitcher's mound.
If Cole Hamels were in Grant Theft Auto: San Andreas's Hot Coffee mod, the ESRB would have given the game an "A" for "Awesome".
Cole Hamels once scored a 4-point play without being fouled.
Cole Hamels won Iron Chef by peeing in a glass.
Cole Hamels's fastball actually goes 4,102 MPH, but the radar gun can only hold the last three digits.
The winner of the World Cup has to face Cole Hamels. Usually, the opposition kicks the ball into their own net and walks out of the stadium, so as not to face Cole making a save and throwing the ball into their net... with deadly results.
What is never a problem but always the answer? Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can cure cancer. He throws a 1000 mph fast ball and the person, missing them by a quarter of an inch, the cancer then accordingly jumps out from fear. But the pharmaceutical companies don't want you to know that. He'll do it when the time is right.
On days that Cole Hamels pitches, the sun will rise in the west, so as not to disturb Cole while he gets a couple extra hours of sleep.
Cole Hamels's mother went to the Jersey shore while Cole was in her womb, because of the mere presence of Cole, all sea creatures fled out of the ocean and headed for South Philadelphia, because the Hamels family were on their way home, they hid a bar and the crabs were accidentally deep fried with the french fries, which marked the creation of crab fries.
Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17. He lost to Cole Hamels, who shot a -4.
Cole Hamels was handily winning the U.S. Open this year, up until the USGA deemed “Louisville Sluggers” as non-conforming equipment.
Brazil is afraid to play Cole Hamels in soccer because if he is that deadly with his hands, think about what he would be like with feet.
Cole Hamels pitches with his eyes closed... just to be fair.
100% of women scream "Cole Hamels!" at the height of pleasure. So do over 99% of men. (This is only because Cole Hamels does not scream out his own name.)
Cole Hamels wipes with scouting reports.
Brett Myers may have hit his wife, but if Cole Hamels did so, she would be in a coma because not even Cole Hamels knows the extent of his own strength.
On the eighth day, Cole Hamels and God had a round of beers and Cole wound up and threw the devil down to hell.
Cole Hamels gives Vault energy.
When Wagner recently pitched against the Phillies, he topped 97 mph. Cole Hamels witnessed this himself decided it was time to bury the hatchet between Wags and the Phillie organization b/c "Billy has a helluva changeup."
Cole Hamels died and went to heaven. He was chatting with Jesus when Gene Mauch asked, “Who’s that with Cole Hamels?”
Victoria's "Secret" is Cole Hamels.
Most thought Nostradamus was talking of the destruction of civilization but he really was talking about Cole Hamels destruction of all bats.
Ryan Howard didn't win the Home Run Derby. It was Cole Hamels in a Ryan Howard costume.
When Cole Hamels was a little girl in Poland, they all had ponies. His sister had pony, his cousin had pony, ...So, what's wrong with that?
Cole Hamels is what Willis is talkin bout.
Bullets can't pierce Superman's skin, but Cole Hamels's fastball can.
Cole Hamels is so impressive that he would even impress himself, if he were capable of being impressed, which is just ridiculous.
When Optimus Prime transforms, Cole Hamels drives him.
Cole Hamels isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels IS the Kwisach Haderach.
The Three Wisemen were looking for Cole Hamels.
Congress wants to dissolve the Electoral College and let Cole Hamels decide.
When Cole Hamels walks into a hardware store, all the stud finders go off.
When Cole Hamels is not pitching, he uses his testicles as bells to ring for tea.
Every time Cole throws a strike, a kitten is born.
Cole is neither Israeli nor Arab. Stop fighting about it.
Cole Hamels spelled backward is Slemah Eloc. Still, Cole Hamels is a palindrome.
Cole talks vegetarians into eating meat.
Cole Hamels can change traffic lights with his fastball.
Cole Hamels can be seen from space.
When I opened up my fortune cookie while eating Chinese, Cole Hamels jumped out of the cookie.
Cole Hamels would do anything for love... even "that".
Cole Hamels can do everything himself. He throws perfect games by himself and he has four children and been single his whole life.
Cole Hamels's blood-type is "K."
The reason the MLB went on strike in 1994 was because they heard Cole Hamels learned how to pitch. The players union wanted to end baseball so they would never have to face him.
The reason K is short for 1000 is because each K for a normal pitcher actually equals 1000 strikeouts for Cole Hamels.
JD Drew thanks God everyday that Cole Hamels wasn't at the game where everyone threw batteries at him. JD Drew knows that if Cole Hamels was there he would have thrown a battery through JD Drew's heart and killed him instantly.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by Cole Hamels. It freezes when it sees his curve ball.
Mr.T pitys the fool, but Cole Hamels pitys Mr. T.
Cole Hamels is so inspiring, that on days he pitches Pat Burrell only strikes out twice.
Cole Hamels fans so many guys that the jet stream now flows directly over Citizens Bank Park.
The value of Alex Rodriguez's contract doubles should he ever get a hit off Cole Hamels.
Ryan Howard was made from one of Cole Hamels ribs.
During his senior year, Cole Hamels went 27-1. In the lone loss Hamels threw a complete game shut-out on "Guest Manager, Larry Bowa!" Night.
Cole Hamels fastball can single handily stop illegal immigration, President Bush is too afraid to ask though.
Cole Hamels will fix Pat Burrell's swing.
Ryan Howard comes to Cole for hitting advice after striking out.
When Cole Hamels pitches, the U.S. Military has to turn off all their radar, so that the speeds registered on his fastball would not make them cry in inadmissible sadness that they were not able to contain his remarkable speeds. They could not even contain his changeup. But that is not to be ashamed of.
Cole Hamels recently taught Criss Angel "The Mindfreak" how to make batters disappear.
Meredith Grey is dating both McDreamy and McVet because Cole Hamels would not have her. She can't pick between the two because they pale in comparison to Cole.
Cole has the ability to channel the great William Wallace however he chooses not to due to the unfair advantage this would create given his ability to already give a batter fits with his change and curve, let alone a battle ax…
Cole Hamels is pro-life, he needs new people to strike out.
It's a felony in 35 states to not capitalize Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels doesn't sleep. He changes speeds.
John Kruk didn't use Nutrisystem to lose weight. He used a steady diet of Cole Hamels's fastballs.
Anna Nicole's baby daddy is Cole Hamels.
There was a widespread rumor in the early to mid-'90s that the priest in the wedding scene of Disney's animated classic The Little Mermaid has an erection. This is no rumor. The priest noticed Prince Eric's rugged good looks and beautiful baby blues and realized how much he resembled Cole Hamels. His body reacted accordingly.
The reason Sanjaya has not been eliminated from American Idol is because he has received only one vote - Cole's.
Cole had Renee Zellweger at "He...".
King Leonidas needed "300". Cole would have only needed 1.
Dollar dogs aren't really hot dogs. They are Cole Hamels's poop, and all of the profits go directly to him.
Cole's favorite cereal is Special Backwards K.
Jamie Moyer doesn't mentor Cole Hamels. Cole Hamels mentors Jamie Moyer.
Christina Aguilera's song "Ain't No Other Man" was written for Cole Hamels.
When in Rome, Cole Hamels acts like himself; the Romans act like him.
Life is Cole Hamels's party and he'll cry if he wants to...except Cole Hamels never cries.
Cole Hamels...that's what she said.
Cole Hamels has only walked one batter in his career. The batter was lying face down in the batter's box to venerate Cole, and so had no strike zone.
People Magazine will no longer be holding its "Sexiest Man Alive" contest. No one is sexier then Cole.
Cole Hamels throws so hard the by the time the batter swings he's already winding up for the next pitch.
Cole Hamels is so calm under pressure when he sees Pujols in his mind, he strikes him out on three pitches.
Cole Hamels is what Koufax would have been if he ever stayed healthy.
Cole Hamels could throw right-handed and still strikeout 10 Mets.
Cole successfully got off the LOST island, even after the sky turned purple.
Cole Hamels sent Lastings Milledge to the minors.
If you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon backwards, it perfectly matches up with Cole Hamels's first start for the Scranton/ Wilkes-Barre Red Barons.
If you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon backwards AGAIN, Cole Hamels will show up at your door and punch you in the neck.
If you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon in Vinyl format, you're probably a hippie. And Cole Hamels won't talk to you. Or maybe he will. If so, sweet.
Aaron Burr wasn't the one who killed Alexander Hamilton - Cole Hamels did with another high fastball.
Cole Hamels was the inspiration behind the Singer Sewing Machine.
Cole Hamels turned down the role of Joker in the next Batman movie.
They say right before you die, Cole Hamels's life flashes before your eyes.
Cole Hamels was the original choice to play Darth Vader, because his changeup makes everyone choke.
Cole Hamels defies the laws of Physics. Everyone knows you can not break the laws of Physics. So scientists had to develop a new theory which has now become universally known as the Cole Hamels Law.
Cole wouldn't have had to say "I want these mother f@c%ing snakes of this mother f@c%ing plane!" The snakes would have sensed the awesome presence of Cole and acted accordingly, by getting off the mother f@c%ing plane.
Cole Hamels can make SEPTA come on time.
The phrase "Made by Cole Hamels" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
Cole Hamels sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled pitching ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Cole hit the devil with a pitch and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month
Cole Hamels's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Cole Hamels.
Cole's metabolism is so high, he does not need to diet or exercise.
Cole Hamels has decided to enter the NCAA men's basketball tournament in 2008. He has already secured the number 1 overall seed and every college in the country has dropped out of the tournament for the next 10 years.
Cole Hamels has a 3 year old son who is 6 feet tall and is the ace of his high school varsity team.
Despite recent reports, Cole Hamels is not changing his name to Mr. Foshizzle .
Cole Hamels built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Cole met all three bullets with a high fastball, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
David Ross intentionally hit into a triple play to save his teammates from striking out against Cole Hamels.
Ken Griffey Jr. faked an illness to avoid facing Cole Hamels. Cole still struck him out 3 times, and even struck out his father to teach Jr. that lying is bad.
Racism is wrong: The Purest Race is Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels knows how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
All batters must pass a rigorous physical before they go up at bat against Cole Hamels.
MSNBC has reported the cloning of 5000 Cole Hamels for national security and sport purposes. All Nuclear Bombs have been destroyed, all "Colones" will be given a bucket of 15 baseballs to hit.
Cole Hamels was 6 feet tall when he came out of his mom's belly.
ARod took batting lessons from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is the real last samurai.
Cole Hamels is such a stud that Alyssa Milano won't even date him for fear of cursing the organization.
Cole Hamels built Rome in 30 minutes, with a 25 minute break so he could pitch a complete game shutout against the Mets.
The only reason Barry Bonds is not banned from baseball is because Cole Hamels did not want him to be. He wanted to strike him out more.
There is no theory of evolution: just a list of animals that never got to see Cole pitch.
When Cole Hamels says, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," you get the man a horse!
All home runs records reached prior to May 12, 2006 are marked with an asterisk to designate them "Pre-Cole Hamels".
The smoke monster on LOST is not a monster. In fact, it's just residue from a Cole Hamels changeup. Now imagine his heater. . .
Cole Hamels dared Charlie Manuel to fight Howard Eskin. Manuel didn't want to, but no one says "no" to Cole.
Since he is such a nice guy, Cole Hamels pitches to Chris Coste on his off days to remind Coste of the "glory days".
More than an hour of the team meeting held recently was Hamels telling stories of his childhood. This is way more important than winning baseball games.
If you look closely, you will see a wet spot around Charlie Manuel's crotch every time he walks to the mound to take Hamels out of the game. Manuel is very scared to tell Cole to stop pitching.
Cole Hamels kicked Ryan Howard's knee causing him to sit out for a few days so he could think about what an awful hitter he has become.
The only reason Cole Hamels married Heidi Strobel was for tax benefits. Hamels is still very much a bachelor and still brings home a new chick every night.
Cole Hamels got angry the Phillies turned a triple play. He wanted to strike the next three batters out.
Cole Hamels loves freedom and democracy so much that he gets offended when people call him King Cole.
The only thing sad enough to make Cole Hamels cry was when the Phillies were eliminated from playoff contention in 2006. Hamels has vowed to never cry for this reason again.
Discovery Channel apologizes for not including Cole Hamels in their Planet Earth series, their steady cam couldn't get a clear shot of his changeup.
50 Cent refused to bat against Cole in a celebrity game, saying it would be worse to take one of Cole's fastballs to the head than to be shot 9 times AGAIN.
Cole Hamels's changeup is so fast, it's been known to blind opposing hitters.
Cole Hamels will be the starting pitcher, catcher, third baseman and shortstop for the National League All-Star Team. He will also be DH for the American League, because he can.
Cole Hamels can shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle containing just one pill, but Cole Hamels has never had to take aspirin in his life.
The show "Deadliest Catch" was originally conceived as a story about past catchers who have caught Cole Hamels.
The Yankees offered Cole Hamels 56 million dollars to pitch for them for the rest of the 2007 season, when he declined, they then went after Clemens for 28 million.
When Eminem said "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?", Cole Hamels did, and then he proceeded to strike out the rap star and teach him proper grammar.
Cole Hamels, in his spare time (15 minutes to be exact), invented a time machine and traveled through the ages to father Sandy Koufax, Nolan Ryan, Roger Clemens, and just for the fun of it - he mated with a semi-retarded, hefty woman (450lbs) and planted the seed- that one day would come to be known as the one and only Gaylord Perry.
Cole Hamels joined the Marines once. Remember that war with Iran and North Korea ? Neither do I.
Fidel Castro has to keep Cuba a communist country to prevent Cole Hamels from coming in and striking out every Cuban ballplayer there is... and changing the country's sport to chicken tossing.
Freddy Garcia ran into that equipment cart because he couldn't stop staring at Cole Hamels's physique.
Nat King Cole changed his family name because Cole Hamels said so. He later became a big hit in the music industry. Cole Hamels would have told him to revert to his old family name and lose all the fortunes from the records sold, but he didn't, because he's Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels fathered Tim Lincecum the day he was born. The gestation period for Lincecum was only 6 months as he was blessed with Cole's superior genetics.
Cole Hamels doesn't wear a jock strap because there isn't one big enough to contain him.
Cole Hamels opposes the Iraq War because he could kill all the terrorists after he long tosses on his day off.
Cole Hamels will be barred from baseball when he's 28 after it's discovered he is not human.
Cole Hamels hooked up with your mom. He'll do it again if he wants to.
Due to all his accomplishments, Cole Hamels will have his own building at the Hall of Fame to house his memorabilia.
Cole Hamels knows the meaning of life, but we're not intelligent enough to understand it.
The Cole Hamels Diet consists of only foods that start with 'K'.
Scientists have recently discovered that the “Big Bang” theory actually was caused by Cole Hamels striking out the dinosaurs, leading to their extinction.
When Cole Hamels was a baby, he never got nap time. That’s because his parents needed it instead because they couldn’t keep up with his fastball.
Cole Hamels didn't walk his mother down the aisle at his wedding. Cole doesn't do walks.
A glimpse into the future... Tonight the Philadelphia Cole Hamels beat the New York Cole Hamels by ten runs. The pitcher- who isn't Cole Hamels- retired all 27 batters in order to get his 3rd Cole Hamels. The pitcher- who wasn't Cole Hamels- caught the last batter looking at the third Cole Hamels. After the last batter was retired, the manager of the New York Cole Hamels (Derek Jeter) was overheard saying this from the dugout... "How in the Cole Hamels can you call a 3rd Cole Hamels on that kind of a Cole Hamels." He was later fired and banned from baseball for using Cole Hamels's name in vain.
Cole Hamels is so cool that he never needs to flip the pillow.
Cole Hamels needs a wheelbarrow to carry his balls.
Cole Hamels's entire life has been one extended Axe Body Spray commercial.
"Cole Hamels" is a thinly-disguised anagram of:
Hell come as, Smell oh Ace, So mace Hell... and many other telling derivatives.
The Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg, it tried to hit a Cole Hamels fastball.
“The King and I“ is loosely based on Cole Hamels and his left arm.
Cole Hamels is not actually close to perfection but perfection is very close to Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels's changeup is the only thing known to man to be able to cut both Mr. T's hair and shave Chuck Norris' beard ... the sheer awesomeness of his fastball would kill them both.
When Cole Hamels gets heartburn...the whole world becomes depressed.
When Cole Hamels is on the mound digging in his glove, he is really just text messaging Tony Danza.
Yankees fans boo Alex Rodriguez because he is not Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels told Don Mattingly to shave his sideburns, but Mattingly still likes him better than Steinbrenner.
Cole Hamels K'd Roy Hobbs looking four times... on 12 pitches.
Cole Hamels shattered "Wonderboy" with his changeup.
Cole Hamels eats baseballs like they are apples.
Cole Hamels didn’t need to save the cheerleader to save the world, so he slept with one instead.
Cole Hamels fastball is the leading cause of death in the US, but its ok- he makes up for it by also being the leading cause of birth.
Cole Hamels doesn't have to pay his taxes.
In 2010, after Cole's 3rd consecutive Cole Hamels award, the MLB commissioner will rename the third strike a "Hamels."
Cole Hamels once threw a pitch that did not find the strike zone. This baseball is now more commonly known as Haley's Comet.
Cole Hamels has a career average of 3.2 strikeouts per inning, by far the highest mark in the history of the game.
Cole Hamels once saddled Jesus Christ with the dreaded "Golden Sombrero." He came within one strike of doing the same to God.
The only time people can hit a pitch by Cole Hamels are when they are swinging at the pitch that came before it.
Roger Goodell meant to say "With the first pick in the 2007 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select Cole Hamels".
After kicking the winning goal in the 1999 World Cup, Brandi Chastain remembered she had won a date with Cole Hamels.
Chase Utley and Ryan Howard have no trade clauses in their contract so they don't have to face Cole Hamels.
After watching Cole Hamels pitch, Allen Iverson humbly changed his nickname to "The Question".
LeBron James is "The King" because Cole Hamels quit basketball.
The biggest surprise of the NFL draft was the Miami Dolphins passing on Cole Hamels.
Britney Spears heard that Cole Hamels liked bald chicks.
Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's, he is just scared of Cole Hamels.
The founder of Kansas University is Cole Hamels.
CBSSportsline.com - "Cole Hamels is generally regarded as the #1 pick in all fantasy basketball formats."
If Cole Hamels had been on the '87 Phils, Steve Jeltz would have hit 49 home runs and driven in 191 RBIs, just so he wouldn't have embarrassed Cole with his usual ineptitude. And the Lance Parrish fiasco would have never happened.
Cole Hamels fastball is so deadly he makes Joel Zumaya look like Chad Ogea.
If Cole Hamels had been the one who hit Ray Chapman with the pitch in 1920, they would have had to confirm it was his body with dental records.
The reason Jamie Moyer only throws slow stuff is modesty. He knows he isn't Cole, he could never be Cole, and he would be executed for blasphemy and sedition if he ever tried to pitch like Cole, so he pitches 62 MPH curves in humility and deference to Cole.
In the 3rd and final installment of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, if you listen closely, you can hear the Orcs singing Cole Hamels in their Battle Song.
If Cole Hamels were in Vegas in the 60's, he would have run the Rat Pack and Frank Sinatra would have carried around his jock for him.
Cole Hamels beat Bill Braskey in an arm wrestling match... with his hair.
Cole Hamels wins Connect 4 in 3 moves.
When Cole Hamels pitches his first perfect game, he will also throw a perfect game at a local bowling alley. His Hall of Fame plaque will henceforth read, "Cole 'I can also bowl' Hamels".
Mets fans don't hate J-Roll, they really hate Cole Hamels but are too scared that if they boo him, he will hit every fan with a pitch that will not curve 12-6, but 12-12 and in turn knock them all unconscious.
Cole Hamels can throw four balls at one batter and not walk him.
Every day, Ryan Howard thanks God that he is on the Phillies too and doesn't have to face Cole Hamels.
Barry Bonds wears protective armor when he hits because he is afraid of Cole Hamels.
In the future, people will not take steroids but instead inject drops of Cole's blood into their bloodstream.
Next year, in light of a 35 win, 500 strikeout season, Gatorade will be renamed to ColeHamelsade.
After Ed wade's horrible general managerial decisions, God needed to send an eleventh plague so he allowed Cole Hamels's pitching hand to be injured in a bar fight. Cole won the fight.
Billy wagner eats Cole Hamels breakfast cereal and has his poster in his locker.
Cole Hamels turned an unassisted quadruple play.
Cole was pitching when Mighty Casey struck out but he brought joy back to Mudville by simply being him.
Cole fought the law, and Cole won.
If I had a dollar for every nasty changeup Cole throws I could bail Urbina out of jail to pitch the eighth inning.
If I had a dollar for every nasty changeup Cole throws I could buy the team, and still have enough money to sign Roger Clemens to pitch out of the bullpen.
Cole Hamels eats cereal without the milk.
Cole Hamels is not only one of the seven wonders of the world, he is all seven. He has also been named the eighth wonder as well.
If Cole Hamels were a planet, we'd all abandon Earth to go live on him. Actually, the above is irrelevant because we should do that anyway.
The upcoming edition of the Merriam-Webster dictionary correctly revises the origin of the word “perfect” to Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels didn’t take the SATs. The SATs took the Cole Hamels.
The Vet imploded upon itself when shown a picture of Cole Hamels.
The Supreme Court declared the Ten Commandments monument in Alabama’s state judicial building unconstitutional because it failed to recognize the divinity of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is Tiger Woods's swing coach.
Cole Hamels is Keyser Soze.
ColeHamelsFacts.com doesn't need the internet to survive, it's the internet that need Cole Hamels to survive.
A Cole Hamels bean ball is the preferred method of execution in 12 states.
Cole Hamels is 100% 110% of the time.
Old King Cole Was Merry Old Soul 'Cause He Struckout the Side With Ease!
Things go better with Cole!
We replaced your lousy pitchers of old soda with a new pitcher of Hamels Cole-a!
Robin Roberts, Steve Carlton, Grover Cleveland Alexander, Christy Mathewson, Lefty Grove, Satchel Page, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, Bob Gibson, Bob Feller, Walter Johnson, Whitey Ford, Nolan Ryan & Cy Young have all been replaced by Cole Hamels. Outside of the improvements, you won't notice the difference!
Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli learned how to pick up girls, act naturally cool and have perfect hair 24 hours a day from Cole Hamels.
Fish jump into nets just be to the "chosen ones" used for Cole Hamels's sushi.
Before his career is over, Cole will also own every pitching record in Europe, Asia, Australia, Africa and South America. He will share three hitting records in Mexico just for fun.
They will rename baseball to 'Try To Hit Cole Hamels Changeup' the day he retires to honor his contribution to this 19th century game.
Ty Cobb died so he wouldn't have to face Cole Hamels.
Steroids, HGH, The Cream, The Clear and Video Training were feeble attempts to prepare hitters to face Cole Hamels.
After Cole Hamels struck him out with his infamous changeup during practice one spring training day, Ryan Howard has not been able to hit anything since. It's a good thing they're friends.
Cole Hamels is so awesome that he has blessed Pat Burrell with the ability to to hit the ball.
During negotiation with the Yankees, Roger Clemens asked for a clause to end his season when ever he wants. The reason: In case he has to pitch against Cole Hamels, he can't bear the embarrassment of being schooled by Cole.
Cole Hamels and Spiderman have similar origins. Spiderman was bitten by a genetically engineered spider thus altering his DNA. Cole Hamels was bitten by a genetically altered cow thus altering his DNA. Now the cowhide covered spheres we humans call baseballs come from Cole Hamels wrists and do as he wills them. Some day in the future, they will call Deoxyribonucleic Acid, (DNA), simply, Cole Hamels Juice. And it will be a legal performance enhancing drug approved by the FDA and the IOC and the NCAA and MLB and the NFL and Little League Baseball among other organizations. It will be used for prolong life and for a perfect SAT score. It will bring about world peace and it will core an apple.
Cole's curveballs produce more buckles than all the belt makers in the world.
Cole's mom toyed with the notion of beginning his name with a "K"...but she didn't want to scare away all potential opponents.
When Cole sings the alphabet song, opposing batters cringe when he gets to "K".
Cole Hamels fastball generates enough heat to cook a bundt cake!
When facing Cole Hamels, all opposing batters are required to apply sunblock of no less than SPF 60 so as not to get burned by strikes 1, 2 and 3 as they go whizzing by.
Cole's curveballs have sent more people packing than all the travel agents in the world.
When Cole pitches, he has asked MLB to replace home plate with a quarter to make it more of a "challenge".
Cole turned down a complimentary pair of tickets to "CATS" on Broadway...he does not associate himself with "FREE PASSES".
I saw Cole Hamels drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s – his hair was perfect.
Courtesy of Chris Coste (catcher, Philadelphia Phillies) - Cole once finished the 12-minute run in 11 minutes.
Courtesy of Clay Condrey (pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies) - The H.O.V. lane was created for Hamels and his changeup.
Courtesy of Brett Myers (pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies) - Cole Hamels doesn't need a comb. When he rolls out of bed, his hair is already perfect.
Courtesy of Adam Eaton (pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies) - When Cole Hamels kneels to say his bedtime prayers, he overhears God thanking himself for creating Cole Hamels.
A Cole Hamels changeup can cure the common cold.
Cole Hamels taught Bob Dylan to write music, Shakespeare to write plays, and Superman to right wrongs.
For the sake of saving time, Bud Selig has proposed that every batter to face Cole Hamels start with an 0-2 count.
Cole Hamels could have struck out Eddie Gaedel with a marble.
Pete Rose still bets on baseball, but only on the Phillies when Cole Hamels pitches, and he bets them to WIN!!!!!
When the new Yankee Stadium is built they will call it "The House That Cole Allowed Them To Build".
Cole Hamels is so important that when he walks to the mound, 'Hail to the Cole' plays over the loudspeakers as 'Air Force Cole' passes over Citizens Bank Park. Cole's speech, 'The State of the Phillies', is considered to be the most important speech in the country, just ahead of the 'The State of the Union'. When Cole Hamels and George Bush are in the same room, Cole is considered the true ruler of the free world.
Cole Hamels can strike out the side on 8 pitches.
Cole Hamels will never have a three K game. He will always throw four or more to piss off the racists.
Cole Hamels will get us out of Iraq.
Roger Clemens could almost out-pitch Cole Hamels in his prime...of course, Cole was only 6 years old when Clemens was in his prime.
Attila The Hun couldn't break through the Great Wall of China, but a Cole Hamels fastball can.
Cole Hamels’s curveball is so good, the only player that can hit it is Cole Hamels.
My son asked to change his name to Cole Hamels......from Tom Glavine.
Cole has already been voted the MVP of the Japanese Leagues this year, even though he doesn't play there.
Cole Hamels once threw a perfect game while pitching from 2nd base.
Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis both lost to Cole Hamels on this season's 'American Idol', after Cole Hamels was coached by Cole Hamels and performed a song by Cole Hamels during 'Cole Hamels Theme Week'. Simon Cowell said that Cole Hamels was the best guest judge and performer that American Idol has ever had.
The Gyroball was Cole's idea, but he let Dice-K have because of "that whole Hiroshima thing".
In 1989, Cole Hamels's t-ball team won every game by forfeit.
The Democrats AND Republicans will both nominate Cole for President in 2008.
Whoever coined the phrase "Human Highlight Reel" was clearly talking about Cole Hamels.
Time Magazine has just announced Cole Hamels as their "Person of Forever".
Cole Hamels actaully created the earth, he just gave God the credit.
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush: Cole Hamels's right hand and Cole Hamels's left hand.
Cole Hamels is just like Nolan Ryan, except he's left handed, better looking, has a hotter wife and is a better pitcher.
Cole Hamels changeup is so deceptive that Andruw Jones struck out swinging 3 weeks before the game had been played.
Cole Hamels taught Greg "The Bull" Luzinski how to barbeque.
Cole Hamels's changeup is so amazing that after he finishes and inning by striking out the third batter, he has to wait ten minutes for his pitch to finally hit the catcher's mitt.
God trusts Cole so much to deliver that He sent Cole to give Moses the ten commandments.
When writing Julius Caesar, Shakespeare had to go to Cole Hamels for advice. Alternately, Beethoven completely gave his composing duties over to Hamels-- who incidentally didn't want any credit for his composing prowess.
The Mets aren't running away with first place, they are running away from Cole Hamels.
The reason Cole Hamels says "You know" so much is because he forgets that not everyone is as omniscient as he.
Every time Steve Bartman and Bill Buckner are depressed they realize life isnt so bad because at least they don't have to bat against Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels does not throw pitches; he controls them.
The devil sold his soul to Cole.
Realizing there was not enough marble in the world to make a phalice suitable for Cole, Michelangelo changed his statues name to David.
Cole Hamels is a Jedi.
In 1969, millions of people began burning their Beatles albums after John Lennon proclaimed "We are bigger than Cole Hamels."
When Cole Hamels pitches Britney Spears loses her underwear.
The sun does not set, Cole Hamels throws a fastball at it every night.
Those are not stars you see in the sky at night- just Cole Hamels strikeout victims.
When it rains God is crying because Cole Hamels is not pitching on that day.
Cole Hamels wrote the Kama Sutra... and has performed every move in it.
Before the President speaks, the actual words to the song that plays are, "Hail to Cole Hamels, he will strike you out now."
The ending of the final Harry Potter book? Cole Hamels strikes Harry out.
At Disney World, Mickey Mouse is now wearing a Cole Hamels costume.
Cole WAS the fifth Beatle.
Nolan Ryan may have been able to beat up Robin Ventura but Cole Hamels could whip Robin, Batman and Jesse 'the body' Ventura all at the same time without breaking a sweat.
The infamous 'Face on Mars' is actually the likeness of Cole Hamels, showing homage from the Martians.
Q - How do you drive Count von Count from Sesame Street crazy? A - You tell him count baserunners when Cole Hamels pitches.
Cole Hamels knows who really shot JFK.
Picture your life as Cole Hamels. Now picture reality. It's not you; it's him.
On December 31, 2006, all women were simultaneously told that there were other fish in the sea. (Of course there isn't, life after Cole isn't worth living.)
Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered gravity, but Cole Hamels invented it.
According to the newest edition of the Cole Hamels Bible, Cole's Ark was a vessel built at Cole's command to save Cole Hamels when Cole Hamels flooded the earth to rid it of Mets fans. Cole Hamels then cloned enough Cole Hamels to perfectly repopulate the world, where the new anthem became King Cole singing "This land is your land, this land is my land."
Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and their elves lived at the North Cole. That is, until Cole Hamels seduced Mrs. Claus and then took all of Santa's milk and cookies.
Jason Werth only hits home runs when Cole Hamels is on base. Cole Hamels then crosses home plate, picks it up, and takes it with him. After all, nobody else can score like Cole Hamels.
Tug McGraw's famous quote was actually "You gotta believe....in Cole Hamels!"
The Lost City of Atlantis isn't really lost. Cole Hamels knows exactly where he put it after he created it. Cole Hamels also knows the whereabouts of every single plane and ship that have disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle, now renamed the Hamels Triangle.
Karol Silverstein's 75 year-old mother thinks Cole Hamels IS HOT!
Terrorists don't hate our freedom, they hate Cole Hamels's fastball.
Cole Hamels's changeup is so good it has 3 US patents and one in Japan.
Cole's Hamels won the 2000 and the 2004 US Presidential elections by write in alone, but was too young to assume the presidency.
Cole Hamels pitches can no longer be measured in MPH; they are now measured in lightyears.
The difference between "Hollywood" Hamels and Hollywood, CA is that "Hollywood" is for real.
If you dip a baseball in gasoline, and ask Cole to throw his changeup, it will turn into a fireball, and then suddenly turn into a ball of ice a split second before reaching the catcher's glove.
Cole once sneezed in the middle of a pitch. The ball's speed increased, and it went into another dimension never to be heard from again.
In the Pledge of Allegiance they are changing "under God" to "under Cole".
Cole Hamels has never thrown a fastball - just changeups where the catcher stood too close.
Cole Hamels struck kids out in tee ball.
While in the minors, Cole Hamels broke his hand in a bar fight in Florida. The guy he hit's head landed three months later in Rio De Janeiro.
Cole Hamels pees excellence and poops Ks.
Cole Hamels will never retire. The rest of the league will just have to quit.
Cole Hamels, applied directly to the forehead, will get the hitter to first base. But then Cole will pick him off.
Elvis isn’t dead. He lives with Cole Hamels...as his butler.
When Cole Hamels sweats, it's bottled up and sold as Gatorade, Powerade, Vitamin Water and Viagra.
Peyton Manning didn't win the Super Bowl. Cole Hamels played QB dressed in a Peyton Manning costume. Manning still sucks.
Cole Hamels will replace Bob Barker as the host for "The Price is Right". They will then have to rename the show "Cole Hamels is Always Right".
Cole will have phenomenal kids, he even said so.
Light moves at the speed of Cole.
If you "pull a Cole", you have done something extraordinary.
Cole Hamels throws fastballs through walls to make it easier for Aaron Rowand to run through them.
Cole Hamels's sneakers never get dirty because he can levitate.
Cole Hamels is so amazing that when he visited the Queen of England, he knighted her.
On the days Cole Hamels pitches stadium vendors sell fifteen times as many cold drinks as usual because the sweltering fans need relief from the immense heat generated by the velocity of Cole's changeup.
Cole Hamels can get to the center of a Tootsie Pop just by staring at it.
After every rabbit in the world retires, magicians will start to pull Cole Hamels out of their hats.
Captain Jack Sparrow wasn't really looking for the dead man's chest; he was looking for the secret to Cole Hamels's changeup.
The Great Wall of China was actually built to keep Cole Hamels out. Cole then said if they didn't get their population over 1 billion he would destroy them.
Mile-wide tornadoes get out of the way of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is like God, but Cole only has one commandment that the batters follow: "Thou shall not hit."
Cole is the proof of evolution, God himself could not create something so perfect.
When Cole Hamels pitches, even the Bloods and Crips share a beer and are impressed by his dominance.
World War II didn't end The Great Depression; Cole Hamels did.
Cole Hamels was asked to mediate the talks in Darfur.
Cole Hamels always lands on $1 on the big wheel. He then proceeds to win both showcases by picking the exact cost of each.
The light always stays yellow for Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels never would have surrendered the home run to Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. Even if he had, the beast simply would have given him the ball back, because he's, you know, Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels won the Tour De France 8 times in a row.
Cole Hamels shout out Rafael Nadal on Clay, then proceeded to shut out Roger Federer on grass.
Hugh Hefner asks Cole Hamels advice on how to pick up girls.
Cole Hamels was the opposing pitcher against Joe Dimaggio in game 57.
The surgeon general suggested putting a warning label on Cole Hamels that reads "Surgeon General's warning: facing Cole Hamels will leaves batters looking foolish and confused."
The Bible is being re-written to be more accurate. When Moses climbed Sinai, he returned to find a solid gold statue of Cole Hamels. Moses became a believer.
Cole Hamels throws baseballs so hard that they go into orbit and become meteors.
Cole can walk on water. Too bad opposing batters can't walk on Cole!
And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you Cole Hamels, which shall be to all people of Philly."
Never confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence is something for us to aspire to; Perfection is Cole Hamel's work.
The strike zone was devised as a national defense intervention to focus the trajectory of a Cole Hamels fastball, thereby preventing any Cole Hamels fastball related tragedies.
The spin on a Cole Hamels curveball creates an anti-gravitational field which repels opponent's bats.
Charlie Daniels originally wrote “"The Devil Went Down To Georgia" about Cole Hamels's debut at Turner Field.
Cole owns a house in Virginia and makes Mike Vick and Clinton Portis fight there.
Cole Hamels once hit himself with a fastball just to feel what it's like.
Cole Hamels is the president of the Illuminati, Skull and Bones, the Freemasons, and the National Honor Society... He will never be contested.
The only way the Marlins have decent attendance is when Cole Hamels is in town.
Men no longer propose with diamond rings; they give framed pictures of Cole Hamels.
The term "weapons of mass destruction" refers to Cole Hamels and a bag of baseballs.
Dom Perignon Champagne was invented when Cole Hamels peed in an empty wine bottle during a long road trip.
Cole Hamels actually built Rome in half a day, took a nap in the afternoon and pitched a perfect game with 27 strike-outs on 81 pitches later that night.
When Cole Hamels blinks a new day begins.
Cole Hamels's hair has a girlfriend.
The truth is Moonlight Graham chose not to bat that game because Cole Hamels was on the mound.
Cole Hamels gets dressed in the dark so his other clothes don't get jealous.
Even after Ray Kinsella played catch with his dad, the voice continued until he made a giant crop circle of God and Cole Hamels eventually appeared.
Chuck Liddell, The Ice Man himself, submitted upon the scene of Cole Hamels's changeup.
Michael Jackson claimed that the kid really was his son because he thought it was Cole Hamels.
The Phillies' bench clearing brawl actually started because Marlin players were trying to say that Dontrelle Willis was better than Cole Hamels.
John Wayne does a great Cole Hamels impersonation.
The DH was created because of popular demand of hitters who wanted a safe haven in the AL away from Cole Hamels.
Depends Undergarments were invented for batters who have to face Cole Hamels.
Roger Clemens is afraid of Cole Hamels, so Trenton is as close as he could make it.
The US Olympic committee is going to only send Cole Hamels in 2008. He will win all of the Gold Medals. Even in the team sports.
They can't let Cole Hamels on Deal or no Deal. All of the models keep rushing him.
Cole Hamels's fastball wants Charlie Manuel in its office after the game to teach Manuel how to be all growed up.
Cole Hamels threw back the hotdogs that drunken college students threw onto the field during Dollar Dog Night. When the students caught them, they were no longer hot dogs but diplomas.
Due to his actions Wednesday night, Cole Hamels will punish Rod Barajas by making him catch one of Cole's games without any glove or protective gear.
Cole Hamels isn't afraid of contact with Hanley Ramirez.
Cole Hamels strikes out more batters in every game than the amount of hot dogs Kobayashi can eat in one sitting.
Cole Hamels could pitch every game, but he's so generous that he likes to share the spotlight with the rest of the starters. He could also pitch every inning but he doesn't want to leave the relievers without a job.
If you check the recently published editions of Moby Dick, you will find that the opening sentence now reads, "Call me Cole Hamels."
After receiving major awards or honors people used to thank God. Soon after Cole Hamels's birth, people began thanking Cole Hamels. When Cole Hamels graduated high school, such speeches no longer existed because Cole Hamels has won all major awards and honors, and thinks it disrespectful and silly to thank himself.
Cole Hamels gave birth to his mother then proceeded to impregnate her and gave birth to Jesus.
Research showed recently that the latest tsunami was caused by Cole Hamels throwing a seashell into the ocean at the Jersey Shore.
On the 13th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, an authentic Cole Hamels Road jersey.
Al Gore has said that Cole Hamels's fastball could become 4-5 mph faster by the year 2012.
Cole Hamels let the dogs out.
"Thou shalt not take C-le Hamels's name in vain" was almost a last minute replacement for 'thou shalt not worship false idols.
Cole Hamels accidentally choked on some chicken wings at a Super Bowl party in 1994. While trying to cough it out, some of his buddies arrived and Cole Hamels could only manage to say, "wazzzzzaaaaaaaa?" The rest is history...
Cole Hamels was the inspiration behind Super Shredder in the Turtles in Time video game.
When the Scarecrow is dancing in "The Wizard of Oz", if you look closely you will see a munchkin hanging himself holding a sign that reads, "I got rung up on a Cole Hamels outside fastball."
Zeus was way ahead of Cole Hamels's changeup.
Cole Hamels taught The Fonz how to say "EEEEEEEEEH!"
Cole Hamels lost his virginity before his dad did.
Cole Hamels beat Captain Jack Sparrow in a swordfight... blindfolded.
Lighting doesn't strike Cole Hamels, Cole Hamels strikes lighting just like he strikes out everything else he comes near.
Cole Hamels struck out Gary Coleman so bad that he shrunk 3 foot.
Cole Hamels won the Daytona 500, jogging, backwards.
Cole Hamels charges people admission to ride the waves of his hair.
Ricky Williams was suspended for overdosing on Cole Hamels.
David Bell made errors purposefully, just so Cole Hamels could show off and get out of bases loaded jams.
Chris Coste asked to go to AA Reading so he would be able to catch pitches he could see.
Nat King Cole changed his name because he was getting tired of people drenching him with gifts thinking he was the one and only Cole Hamels.
Larry Bowa is now a coach with the Yankees because he didn't want to get a tan from the heat of Cole Hamels's fastball.
Cole Hamels hates blowouts. His ideal game is a 4-0 victory, while throwing his usual perfect game and hitting 4 solo home runs.
Each of the X-men's powers are based on Cole Hamels and his pitch selection.
The continents used to once be all connected together. They broke apart when Cole Hamels threw his first changeup in the dirt.
Cole Hamels recorded Tupac's next album.
Cole Hamels can outrun Shane Victorino with Ryan Howard tied to his leg.
The digits of Pi go on forever. Cole knows every digit.
Cole feels bad for the hitters against him so he gives them pitches they can hit, but he still finds them swinging and missing anyway.
Cole has won 7 Emmy awards and 9 Oscars.
Cole Hamels struck out ALS, Cancer, and AIDS to retire the side.
When Cole Hamels plays Press Your Luck, the Whammy gives him money.
If you slow down Rocky IV real slow, you can make out a young Cole Hamels throwing a brushback pitch that just grazed Drago.
Recently, the Catholic Church amended the requirements to get to Heaven, saying "If you go to a Phillies home game when Cole Hamels is pitching, that counts."
Cole Hamels knows the secret to cold fusion, but the energy generated by him walking into Citizens Bank Park is much greater.
Cole once scored two inside-the-park home runs on the same at-bat.
Cole Hamels can tear a phone book in half with one hand.
If Cole Hamels were Jack Bauer, the show would be called "3".
Cole Hamels would've not only tackled Ronde Barber at the Vet, he would have forced a fumble, took it for a touchdown, recovered the onside kick, and scored again.
Cole would've struck out Joe Carter.
Cole Hamels one-hit the '27 Yankees; it would have been a no hitter but he felt bad for Lou Gehrig.
Cole Hamels once struck somebody out with a 3-1 changeup.
That maintenance cart that Freddy Garcia hit was driven by Cole Hamels just because Cole wanted more starts in the rotation.
Jamie Moyer is living on the energy created by Cole Hamels's fastball.
The reason the Cubs have not won the World Series since 1908 is because Cole hasn't told them to since then.
If a player has an 0-for with a hitting streak on the line against Cole Hamels, it is not ended. In fact, he is rewarded an extra 3 games just for making contact.
Cole Hamels could hold a win for Matt Cain.
Heidi Strobel is STILL recovering from their honeymoon sex.
Cole Hamels can let out Gavin Floyd's true potential. Ok...maybe not.
Cole Hamels doesn't qualify for the All-Star Game...the All-Star Game qualifies for Cole Hamels.
Shortly after his marriage to Heidi Strobel, Cole realized that he had a thing for reality show contestants. That is why he created the new reality show entitled, "Who Wants to Give Cole Hamels a Back Rub?", expected to premier this fall.
Jason Giambi tested positive for fear of Cole Hamels.
Bud Selig and Hank Aaron announced that they would not be attending any of Barry Bonds games, but will be traveling together to watch Cole Hamels pitch.
In baseball heaven Cy Young is wearing a jersey with "Hamels" on the back.
When Michael Vick goes to dog fights...he bets on Cole Hamels.
Dave Hollins cried when he got hit by a Cole Hamels pitch.
ARod had to settle for the manly stripper because Cole took all the hot ones.
Revelations 6:8: And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Cole Hamels, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the circle change.
The Phillies could trade a piece of Cole's poop to the Yankees for ARod, and it would be their ace.
It was Cole Hamels NOT Sgt. Pepper that taught the band to play.
ARod hit so well in April because he didn't have to face Cole Hamels!
Harry Kalas was going to apologize to Cole for calling Chase Utley "The Man", but then he realized that Cole Hamels is actually a god among men.
Heidi Strobel got naked on Survivor so Cole would notice her.
When Mary talked about Jesus being conceived with the Holy Spirit, she was just using Cole's nickname.
Avril Lavigne's song Girlfriend was written for Cole, but when it was released, she realized she had no chance in hell with him.
If Cole were in the WWE, it would be real, but every opponent he faced would quit before getting in the ring.
Cole Hamels traded his virginity for a cookie when he was two years old. That must have been one damn good cookie.
Cole only needs 5 minutes to save 15% or more on car insurance.
Cole Hamels got tired of dating humans, so he turned himself into a cartoon and dated Jessica Rabbit for a year. When he realized he had better curves than her, he dumped her. Now she dates a dumb rabbit.
Cole Hamels never loses a game of Rock Paper Scissors because he always throws the rock as a fastball which blows a hole the paper and obliterates the scissors.
Cole Hamels doesn't know the meaning of an intentional walk...unless he is the one batting.
Unbeknownst to anyone, Cole Hamels actually made a guest appearance in the movie "Armageddon". His fastball actually blew up the asteroid.
Cole Hamels beat Forrest Gump at ping pong then banged Jenny.
Cole Hamels wrote the Declaration of Independence hung over.
Cole Hamels once ate a bowl of wasabi, then went on to throw a perfect game right-handed.
Lou Pineilla got thrown out because he overheard the thirdbase umpire saying that Cole Hamels is a horrible pitcher. The umpire learned his lesson that night when Cole threw a complete game and struck out Bonds.
Cole Hamels wanted Paris Hilton in jail. Cole gets what he wants.
When Cole Hamels gets angry after giving up a hit, the apocalypse happens. Too bad that will never happen.
Cole Hamels is against gay marriage because if there was gay marriage, men would constantly be proposing to him.
After Shane Victorino shaving-creamed Cole during his interview after the Giants game, Cole gave Shane the worst punishment imaginable: Cole made Shane go to dinner with Barry Bonds and Billy Wagner at J. D. Drew's house.
Cole Hamels has better hair than Chuck Woolery.
Nobody hates Cole Hamels. The fact is, fans of opposing teams actually like him so much that it translates into hate.
Cole Hamels will brutally murder anyone who uses the term "good piece o' hittin".
The Ladies Man is loosely based on Cole Hamels's life.
Cole is lucky that he isn't on the spotlight like Alex Rodriguez, because Cole takes home three different women a night.
The only way men can get women to date them is if they wear a Cole Hamels jersey and a Cole Hamels mask. One man even attempted to make his hair almost as perfect as Cole's for a date, but he felt that using a comb would be "cheating".
Cole Hamels was the missing piece on the Pistons.
Do you know why Brad Pitt doesn't impress Shania Twain much? The only man that impresses Shania Twain is Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can't go into any kitchen. He's so hot, he burns all the food immediately.
Chris Wheeler has labeled Cole Hamels a “Professional Pitcher”.
If a batter is hit by a Cole Hamels fastball he dies instantly. Lucky for batters, this can be avoided by not standing in the strike zone, because Cole Hamels only throws strikes.
Cole Hamels likes everything perfect. His pitching is perfect, his house is perfect, and his wife is perfect. So when Cole found a sock in his underwear drawer he got pissed. Once telling the maid what happened the maid simply said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry wasn't good enough for Cole," so he called immigration.
Beyonce admitted that Cole was irreplaceable.
Cole Hamels gave Mike Zagurski atomic wedgies in high school.
Cole Hamels got a perfect against Sheng Long and a flawless victory against Noob Saibot.
When Chuck Norris teabags someone, he potatosacks them.....When Cole Hamels teabags someone, he sleepingbags them.
Cole Hamels doesn't eat nails for breakfast. He nails hot chicks for breakfast.
During the National Anthem, Phillies fans stand and face Cole Hamels.
Cole married Heidi because she was on a reality show with the same name as batters he doesn’t strike out.
Even if the Phillies trade Jon Lieber they will still have 6 starters: Cole Hamels, and four other guys.
When Cole Hamels pitches, ERA stands for Everyone Runs Away.
Cole Hamels is the only pitcher in the majors that can issue an intentional strikeout.
As a toddler Cole Hamels didn’t throw temper tantrums, he threw ridiculous changeups.
Cole strikes out Adam Dunn and Andruw Jones on two pitches, just to save time.
I never pitch using Cole Hamels in MLB: 07 The Show because I am afraid of Cole's fastball coming through the TV and killing me instantly.
Ryan Howard hit .318 with 58 home runs and 149 RBI simply to show what other hitters what its like to not have to face Cole Hamels.
When they decide who to pick for the American League Cy Young award, they ask Cole Hamels for advice.
Cole Hamels doesn't need to tag up, he keeps one foot on one base, and the other on the next.
Cole Hamels began and will end his career in the city of Philadelphia. He will be remembered as the greatest New York Yankee to ever play the game though he never wore their pinstripes.
Major League Baseball offered to let Cole wear the #42 jersey for as long as he wanted, but since Cole is so classy, he declined.
Cole Hamels's athletic supporter is comprised of a water balloon launcher and a pickle barrel.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy was once quoted stating, "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Cole Hamels".
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream speech" wasn't about breaking the barriers of racism in contemporary America, it was referencing a wet dream he had about Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels frequents Havana, Cuba every offseason. Fidel & Raul Castro are deathly afraid of Cole, so they provide him w/ whatever he want. About 10 years ago, Cole came back w/ beautifully hand rolled Cuban cigars and decided to give one to former President Bill Clinton. And yes, Cole did instruct our former leader on how to use that cigar.
When Noah finished building the Ark, he gathered two animals of every species...and the ancestors of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels throws the ball so fast that time stands still.
Smokey the Bear confronted Cole Hamels while he was playing catch in the woods because Cole Hamels's fastball might start a fire. Cole Hamels proceeded to bean Smokey send him away.
Cole Hamels is amazing at Manhunt, no one can find home base on him.
Cole Hamels's fastball is the only reason lighting stuck the clock tower and Marty got sent back to the future.
After striking out the batter of the inning Cole Hamels once told Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley to go into the dugout. He then preceded to poop at shortstop and pee at second. On the next pitch they turned a 6-4-3 double play.
Scott Niedermayer, a huge Cole Hamels fan, let him borrow the Stanley Cup. Cole used it as his spittoon.
Cole Hamels Stumped the Schwab.
Cole Hamels is the keymaster...as well as the gatekeeper.
Cole Hamels is immune to TB.
Jack Bauer bet Cole Hamels that he couldn't strike him out. Long story short, next season of "24" will be renamed "35".
When Cole Hamels enters an apartment, he asks for a bite of your cheeseburger, brandishes a gun, and repeatedly asks if "they speak English in WHAT".
By the beginning of the 2008 season, Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field, Wachovia Center and even the Spectrum will all be housed in Cole Hamels's Sports Complex .
Cole Hamels will be wearing number 5 and lining up behind the center in August because he never vomits when the game's on the line .
The Mets offered the Phillies Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez, Billy Wagner and Mr. Met for Cole Hamels; the Phillies just laughed.
Cole Hamels did a celebrity endorsement for Adidas; the CEOs of Nike, Reebok and Puma had an Anchorman like battle royale in the parking lot with the Adidas CEO after the first commercial aired.
After Barry Bonds struck out against Cole Hamels, he walked back to the dugout and said, "Wow, he's even hotter than I thought!"
Cole once saw Bigfoot. After seeing him, Cole simply said, "Mine's bigger," and then walked away.
The Loch Ness Monster thinks Cole Hamels is just a myth.
Cole Hamels isn't afraid to run on Shane Victorino.
Cole Hamels hit home runs from all five sides of the plate.
Cole Hamels can pitch with both his hands behind his back.
During a recent post-game interview, Shane Victorino delivered a pie in the face to Cole Hamels. Just by the sheer contact, Victorino was given an extraordinary dosage of power, enough power to win the following day's game against the Giants with a walk-off home run and was mobbed at home plate by his teammates, including Hamels. Afterwards, however, Cole then beat the crap out of him and took that power right back because you DO NOT touch Cole Hamels and get away with it.
It's impossible to say Cole without Hamels.
For Cole's 7th grade science project on the male reproductive system, Cole stood in front of the class naked and got a 102 percent.
When doctors put a vaccine in people to prevent disease, they are really just putting little bits of Cole Hamels in them.
Tiki Barber retired because he heard a rumor that Cole Hamels was gonna be a linebacker for the Eagles.
Cole put a stop to"The Song That Never Ends".
Pat Burrell sneezed while standing next to Charlie Manuel in the 4th inning last night. Charlie promptly said "Cole bless you."
A physical feature known to many females today is what is called the "Camel Toe". All citizens of The United States of Cole should now and forever refer to this feature as the "Hamel Toe". He should get credit because he is the one that caused every female to have this feature.
This year at Thanksgiving dinner I was selected to say Grace. I was a little confused at first, but then figured it out. "Bless us o Cole for these thy gifts we are about to receive. Please forgive my family member who refers to this prayer as 'Grace' and not 'Cole'. She is my 115 year old great grandmother who is deaf, blind, and on life support." Yes, we pulled the plug on her for not knowing who Cole Hamels is.
Cole Hamels figured out the theory of relativity before he was even conceived.
Cole Hamels is so good, even Al Sharpton cheers when Cole's line reads KKK.
Cole Hamels struck out the sperm that created him.
Orbit gum cleans dirty mouths; Cole Hamels cleans Orbit gum.
Cole Hamels once beat Michael Jordan and Larry Bird in a game of horse for a Big Mac.
: the same number of strikeouts Cole will have this season.
Everyone goes to Cleveland to witness LeBron James; LeBron James comes to Philly to witness Cole Hamels.
Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak ended on the day Cole Hamels was born; Ripken didn't want to face Cole's changeup.
Wawa is changing it's name to ColeCole.
Cole Hamels once struck out Babe Ruth, intercepted Dan Marino, scored a goal on Patrick Roy, and dunked on Shaquille O'Neal, and when he was done, he hit a HR off Roger Clemens. Then he took a nap because he was only 8 months old.
Cole Hamels has Tommy John surgery just to give the opposing team a chance.
Cole Hamels can make a Tetris while playing Dr. Mario.
Cole Hamels can play air guitar. He just suspends the guitar in thin air and the air plays the guitar for him.
Devin Hester is the first player to get a 100 speed rating in Madden only because Cole Hamels isn't in Madden... Cole always tops 100 anyway.
If Cole Hamels were on the Flyers this year, they'd not only win the Stanley Cup, but all 4 games would get a perfect Nielsen Rating.
When asked about the "Shot Heard 'round The World", history teachers simply state it was nothing more than a swinging strikeout from Barry Bonds against a Cole Hamels fastball.
Cole Hamels once pitched a perfect game whilst making out with your girlfriend.
Cole Hamels eats baby harp seals for lunch... without a fork.
Cole Hamels was the leader of Team Voltron.
Cole Hamels struck out six straight batters with one pitch.
The reason Roger Federer can't win the French Open is because Cole Hamels takes Rafael Nadal's place for the event.
Billy Wagner used to pitch with his right hand, but Cole Hamels used to pitch with his right foot. He changed his style when too many questions were raised about his opposable toes.
At the end of the 2007 season, Cole Hamels will win his first Cy Young Award, his first Most Valuable Player Award, and his first Rolaids Relief Man Award. From 2008 and on, these awards will be awarded to whomever comes in second place in the voting, just to make things fair.
Cole Hamels, who believe it or not was once considered fragile, has vowed to help Donovan McNabb get in shape for the upcoming season. Cole personally guarantees Eagles fans that McNabb will finish the season healthy and dared EA sports to put the Eagles signal caller on the Madden cover again, and that if they did that the game would break.
Cole Hamels's fastball is Tony Soprano's preferred weapon during a "hit".
Ashburn Alley will be renamed Hamels Alley by the end of the season.
Cole Hamels eats Captain Crunch cereal for breakfast every single morning ... it's never even once cut the roof of his mouth.
Allen Iverson asked Billy King to sign Cole Hamels to play the 2 guard. When he said no, Iverson demanded a trade.
Cole Hamels is eligible for the Hall of Fame five years before he retires.
Cole Hamels substituted as the key for Ben Franklin’s kite experiment.
Cole Hamels knows what happened to Tony Soprano.
Cole Hamels is a cybernetic organism sent back through time to strike out the human race.
In a recent Baseball Tonight, John Kruk referred to Cole Hamels as his surrogate testicle.
Why celebrate Christmas when God's birthday is just two days later?
Cole Hamels purchased steroids then realized it would be unfair, so he gave them to David Bell.
Cole Hamels gets drunk before every game in an attempt to make the game fair.
Cole Hamels could throw a no hitter every game, but he would feel bad for all the fans that pay to a see a good game so he makes the game close.
When Cole Hamels breathes, he turns oxygen into excellence.
9 out of 10 guys who read this site want to switch hit one night for Cole Hamels.
Cole does not fly on the team charter for away games, he teleports to the games instead.
MLB has already engraved "Cole Hamels" on the 2007 NL Cy Young trophy.
Cole actually started pitching at the age of 40 and is now aging backward. When he hits 20 he will go forward again and hit his prime twice.
The Sopranos didn’t suddenly end, Cole threw a fastball at the camera.
Seashells listen to Cole Hamels.
Cole is so good, the Eagles chant was changed to "H-A-M-E-L-S Hamels!" and is now cheered at every Eagles game.
Cole Hamels does not give up too many homers, he just likes giving opposing teams false hope.
When Barry Bonds gets to 754 home runs, he'll have to face Cole Hamels. Cole Hamels will strike him out 3 times, thus erasing all of Bonds' homers from the record books. Bud Selig and Hank Aaron will be forever grateful.
Brad Pitt keeps sending Angelina Jolie to Third World countries because he's afraid she'll meet Cole Hamels.
Ms. Pacman is not Mrs. Pacman cause she wants Cole to think she is still available.
David Chase’s original ending for the Sopranos would be a Cole Hamels fastball to Tony’s skull, but he then realized this would have just been too violent for the show.
Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” is actually a song to give hope to all those who face Cole Hamels. Needless to say, the song is lying.
Michael Barrett would not have tried that stunt with Cole Hamels for fear of ending his career.
Sports Illustrated will be on the cover of Cole Hamels Magazine.
Cole Hamels will be on the cover of Madden 2008, naked. Sales are expected to exceed the box office sales of all 5 Harry Potter movies times the Pirates movies.
At my graduation, our valedictorian thanked the teachers, faculty and Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels put Stephen Colbert on notice.
Paris Hilton was crying when she was returned to jail because female prisons are full of girls eager to be with Cole Hamels... and she kind of resembles a skinner Cole.
Umpires don't throw out Cole Hamels, Cole Hamels throws out the umps.
Remember that Cincinnati Mayor who threw out the worst first pitch in a baseball game? Well, Cole Hamels tutored him for the past three months, and he's expected to be called up to the Reds after pitching five straight perfect games in the minors.
The Guy's Guy award given to Adam Sandler on Spike TV Guy's Choice awards will be renamed the Guy's Cole Hamels.
Paul Lo Duca is out for 375 days on the CHHML, the Cole Hamels Hates Me List, after flipping his bat on a rare hit off of Hamels and getting him ticked off. Lo Duca actually requested this list be created, the Mets wanted him to be protected, and Selig obliged for Lo Duca's and his family's well-being.
Cole Hamels led his high school team to the College World Series title in 1998. It wasn't official, but the team won 8 straight games behind Hamels vs. the champ, USC, after USC had "won it all".
Cole Hamels pitching is the reason Americans don't watch soccer.
You have to admit, Jake Peavy is pitching Cole Hamels-esque.
Christianity has decided to merge with Judaism in fear that by worshipping Jesus people will lose faith in the one true God and savior Cole Hamels.
Harry Potter didn't actually defeat Lord Voldemort, Cole Hamels did.
Cole doesn't pitch a knuckleball because his knuckleball is illegal in 43 out of the 50 states.
Cole Hamels is so tough he gives paper “Hamels-cuts.”
Gwyneth Paltrow thought she was going to see Cole Play, but she settled for the lead singer of Coldplay.
Cole Hamels's changeup is so good that when he goes bowling, the pins fall down before the ball even reaches them.
Steve Carlton , Tom Seaver and Bob Gibson each own a Cole Hamels jersey.
The Phillies actually set up a phone booth inside the locker room so that Cole can change more quickly from superhero costume to game uniform.
Friends don't let friends face Cole Hamels.
If Cole Hamels believed in Santa Claus, Santa Claus would be real.(this is true of the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, bigfoot, Lock Ness Monster, and anything else Cole chooses to believe in)
Paul LoDuca's mother will no longer kiss him because of the poop he talked about Cole Hamels. She'd love to kiss Cole though.
If Cole Hamels went hunting with Dick Cheney, the Vice President would shoot himself in the face.
When Cole first heard Wilt Chamberlain slept with 20,000 women he was impressed. That was until he found out it wasn't at the same time
Roger Clemens will officially retire... whenever Cole Hamels tells him to.
Some men are hung like horses, but most horses are hung like Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels broke David Bell's back and then forced him to play through the pain just to try to toughen Bell up a bit. Bell thought that if he could get a hold of some steroids he could become strong enough to get back at Cole. David Bell is now out of baseball. Moral: Don't even think about messing with Cole Hamels.
According to recent reports, the US Missile Defense System is actually just Cole Hamels on Speed Dial.
Next season the show "American Idol" is going to have to change its name to "American's 2nd Idol" because everyone knows that Cole Hamels is the real American Idol.
The Sopranos ended with the family peacefully eating onion rings. However, we never saw the ending, because the camera focused directly on Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels won the Kentucky Derby riding his changeup... backwards.
God and the devil both have one thing in common: they both are huge Cole Hamels fans.
In the movie "Evan Almighty" the part of God was supposed to be played by Cole Hamels. They thought it would be a bit too realistic, so they hired Morgan Freeman.
Research shows that if Nike had a commercial with just Cole Hamels standing and holding up one of their shoes, their sales would improve by about 55%.
Cole hates rain delays because he possesses the ability to dodge every rain drop and never get wet.
Big girls don't cry... until they get rejected by Cole Hamels.
Vince McMahon's limo blew up from an errant Cole Hamels changeup. Cole is a big Lashley fan.
Cole had a 4 pitch inning with 3 strikeouts.
Cole Hamels once threw a pick off move to first and a pitch at the same time. The baserunner and batter were so confused they were both called out.
Chase Utley has a clause in his contract which states if Cole Hamels ever switches teams (which will not happen, why would you ever move Cole Hamels?) that Utley will automatically be traded to that team as well, for fear that he might have to face him in game action. Ryan Howard is currently trying to work this clause into his contract as well.
Cole once didn't feel like getting out of bed during a scheduled start and threw a one-hitter. The only reason he allowed a hit is because he didn't want ESPN cutting into his game during a Best of Cole Hamels marathon.
Cole Hamels can cut pizzas into 35 even slices with his curve.
Extreme Championship Wrestling's infamous "Holy Sh*t" chant started when someone saw picture of young Cole Hamels in a diaper.
Cole was banned from gym class in grade 3, after injuring half of his class in a game of dodgeball.
Cole Hamels considers Citizens Bank Park to be a pitcher's park.
If Cole Hamels were to pitch everyday the Phillies record would be 161-1. They would lose one game because Charlie Manuel would want the bullpen to get some playing time at least once in the season.
Cole Hamels once went to a abbey. When he left it was a sorority house.
In a former life, Cole Hamels was Cy Young's pitching coach.
Jesus walks around with an armband that says "What Would Cole Hamels Throw?"
If Cole Hamels ran in the 2008 presidential election he would win with 535 electoral college votes.
Yoda learned to be a Jedi Master from Cole.
Cole Hamels was asked to be in the 2007 Home Run Derby but declined the invite because he didn't want to make the sluggers feel bad.
A no-hitter in Cole Hamels's book is where the team literally doesn't make contact with the ball all game. Cole expects to have 25 of them when his career is over.
For charity, Chad Johnson decided that he wanted to face Cole Hamels. He later realized that that's just taking it too far.
The Devil sold his soul to Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels was drafted ahead of Oden and Durant.
When the tooth fairy loses a tooth, Cole Hamels leaves strands of his hair under her pillow.
In 1983, the Pope acknowledged the church's error and moved Christmas to December 27th.
When Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. in Iraq, he shouted in English "Damn you Cole Hamels to hell!" Even Saddam knew you can't hide from Cole Hamels if he wants to find you, even if he is thousands of miles away sound asleep in his bed.
Apple's next product will be the iCole, so anyone can produce a "K" on command.
Cole Hamels only throws three types of pitches: Strike 1, Strike 2, and Strike 3.
In an effort to give them a chance against Cole Hamels, National League hitters are now allowed to use aluminum bats.
Cole Hamels beat Guitar Hero on "expert" mode and while completing "Freebird" he smashed his guitar and finished with his mind.
ALL walks thrown by Cole Hamels are intentional.
After hearing that Cole Hamels would be pitching for the National League, eight American League All Stars just came down with mysterious injuries that won't allow them to play in the All Star game.
Every time Cole Hamels pitches his fastball, one square mile of the Amazon rain forest burns to the ground.
Every time Cole Hamels pitches his changeup, one malnourished child in Africa will eat a large meal.
Many answers to life's great unanswered questions can be found in Cole Hamels's hair.
The folks that called Cole a diamond in the rough had meant to say he's like the Hope diamond and just as tough!
Cole Hamels only gives up runs on holidays.
Cole Hamels makes the best damn Cheesesteak in Philly.
When Cole Hamels was seven, he asked Santa for someone to try and hit his fastball. Needless to say, Santa still has not delivered Cole his wish.
Pressure from Congress has forced Bud Selig and the PA to consider putting Cole Hamels's DNA on the banned substances list.
On Father's Day, Cole Hamels received around 15,000 cards from members of the Mets, Braves, Marlins and Nationals organizations. Why? Because he is their daddy.
Cole Hamels projected Tom Brady to be a future Hall of Famer before the 1999 draft.
Carlos Zambrano puts his arms in the air to thank Cole Hamels.
Pacino made an offer that Cole Hamels refused.
Cole Hamels told Ed Wade "those Utley, Howard, and Victorino guys are pretty good. Keep 'em. But get rid of that Abreu dude before you lose your job."
There was 20-year old, 5'2, 120 lb kid going to Vanderbilt U who was picked on and really wanted to play a sport. One Cole Hamels instructional DVD later, lefty David Price is the first overall pick in the 2007 MLB draft.
Upon learning of Justin Verlander's no-hitter, Cole Hamels commented, "wow, his first no-no, I wish I could remember my first, the other 700 get in the way."
Michael Nifong's judgment wasn't questioned for the Duke lacrosse scandal but rather for his calling Cole Hamels "pretty darn good."
Yovani Gallardo changed his name from the mundane Steve Michaels to take a little attention away from Cole Hamels.
If you ask your friend, "Would you tap that girl?," just know, Cole Hamels already did.
The Phils will not lose 10,000 games so long as Cole Hamels pitches. In fact, their losses of the past will turn into wins.
Barry Bonds's 756th homer will not be questioned because of the steroid era but rather because he started his career in the pre-Hamels era.
The ESPYs "best male athlete" award will be replaced by the "best player not named Cole Hamels." And Cole Hamels will still win it.
Sorry, Kobayashi, but Cole Hamels beat you... Oh, I mean "Joey Chestnut."
That wasn't fireworks you heard on the 4th of July. It was Cole Hamels's fastball breaking the sound barrier.
Steve Carlton's skills began their decline in 1983, the year Cole Hamels was born. At conception Cole began drawing Carlton's power, growing stronger every year. Like the Highlander, "There Can Be Only One".
When Captain Jack Sparrow reached the World’s End he found Cole Hamels looking for someone who could hit his changeup.
Only Cole Hamels knows why Chase’s Chicks aren’t at the ballpark anymore.
Cole Hamels invented democracy.
Cole Hamels was the pitcher who struck out Casey at the bat, he greatly desired to drain all joy from Mudville.
REM is re-releasing their famous song "Everybody Hurts" this summer as: "Everybody Hurts Except Cole Hamels".
A man once changed his Pokerstars avatar to Cole Hamels's picture. He's made $2.6 million so far and hasn't lost a tournament yet.
Cole Hamels created Macgyver out of a toothpick, a 10 foot rope, 5 rubberbands, and 1/2 inch masking tape.
The movie "Knocked Up" is just a summary of the life that Cole Hamels has made for thousands of women.
After watching Cole's first three starts in the '07 season, Brett Myers decided to go to the bullpen because he realized that there was no way he could keep his spot as # 1 starter.
Cole could eat 66 hot dogs, in zero seconds, without even opening his mouth.
It was Cole Hamels's fastball that actually burned down Innotech.
Eva Longoria only married Tony Parker because she was rejected repeatedly by Cole.
Unlike every other pitcher in the National League, Cole Hamels actually wanted the left field wall at Citizens Bank Park moved IN 5 feet.
Whenever Cole sees someone sneeze he says "I bless you."
Cole starts of every prayer with "Dear Dad,".
As a youngster, poor little Cole was never allowed to play in neighborhood pickup games because as soon as he was chosen, everyone on the other team would get scared and run home.
One Cole Hamels fastball can power the entire city of New York for a week.
Cole Hamels could single-handedly beat a doubles team of Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal in tennis.
Cole Hamels will be throwing to every batter including himself in tonight's Home Run Derby. Upon every other participant tallying zero home runs, Cole will then throw a pitch to himself which he will then hit for the only home run of the competition and thus ripping a hole in the space time continuum.
Once Cole turns 40 he will become a closer. He will enter the game at the start of the second inning.
One time during a rain delay in Colorado, the grounds crew couldn't get the tarp on the field. Cole Hamels emerged from the dugout and helped them accomplish this successfully.
The tarp flew because Cole told it to.
Walt Disney froze himself to watch Cole Hamels pitch in the future.
Ben Roethlisberger didn't get into a motorcycle accident, he was hit by a pitch from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can say the words "perfect pitch" in 28 different languages.
Cole Hamels can smell your thoughts.
Cole Hamels struck out Jose Reyes with his pick off move.
Cole Hamels instructed Aaron Rowand to fly out at the end of the All-Star Game because Cole wanted to pitch on the road during the World Series.
Albert Pujols actually didn't want to play in All-Star Game he wanted to watch Cole Hamels pitch.
It stopped raining in Colorado because Cole Hamels stepped out of the dugout.
It wasn't Mt. Doom, but a direct hit from Cole's changeup that destroyed The Ring.
Cole Hamels doesn't need to wait 2 hours to go on Kingda Ka.
Cole's favorite superhero is Wolverine; Wolverines favorite superhero is Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels refuses to create a Myspace account because he would feel bad that he would have 10,000 more friends than everyone else.
If Cole Hamels was born in 1883, the Phillies would be the first to 10,000 wins, not losses.
If Cole were alive to pitch to Babe Ruth, Ruth would be calling his strikeout, not his home run shot.
If Cole Hamels had pitched every game since the 9,999th loss the Phillies would be stuck on that number FOREVER.
Cole Hamels uses his fastball to give himself an amazing haircut.
People pay Cole to eat at their restaurants.
Jon Lieber pretended to hurt his leg because he wanted to watch Cole pitch.
Jamie Moyer’s wife wanted Cole’s autograph instead of Utley’s autograph but Cole turned her down.
Sanjaya thinks Cole Hamels has cool hair.
Cole Hamels poops frozen yogurt.
Tony Soprano respects Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels fired Donald Trump.
Cole's left arm is illegal in 75 nations including every member of NATO.
Cole Hamels will never get indicted for keeping pit bulls because pit bulls are are afraid of him.
Cole Hamels is so famous the tooth fairy is selling his teeth on eBay.
Anakin Skywalker's mitichlorian counts were described by Qui-Gon Jinn as 'Hamelsesque'.
People go to church just to praise Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels threw a perfect game against the Justice League while sleeping with Wonder Woman.
Cole Hamels was at the Disco way before the Panic.
Cole Hamels will grace the covers of MLB, Madden, FIFA, NBA, NCAA, and NASCAR 2009.
Cole Hamels shot a round of 17 at Bethpage Black.
Cole Hamels's arm has a Hemi.
Cole Hamels actually CAN raise the roof...with his non pitching arm.
Red Bull's main ingredient is Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is actually faster than Michael Bourn.
Cole Hamels is banned from the Playboy Mansion, Hef doesn't want all the girls to leave with him.
David Beckham came to the USA just to see Cole Hamels pitch more.
MIchael Vick had to fight dogs because Cole Hamels wasn't available to fight.
Cole Hamels mom got a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, just for conceiving Cole.
Cole Hamels is on next year's Hall of Fame ballot in the NHL.
Cole Hamels can touch M.C. Hammer.
Cole Hamels not only can believe it's not butter, but can eat it without it going straight to his thighs.
When Ryan Howard hits a home run, he comes back to the dugout and says, "Thank God." Cole Hamels replies, "You're welcome."
Cole Hamels taught Oprah Winfrey his changeup in exchange for her naming a school in Africa after him.
Cole Hamels can strike out Frodo Baggins.
Cole Hamels's poop was once clocked at 102 mph.
Of course we didn't find nuclear weapons in Iraq- Cole Hamels lives in Pennsylvania.
After watching Cole pitch, Tom Emanski decided to release a new instructional video. The entire video is a stillframe of Cole's face. Fred McGriff has pre-ordered 23 copies.
Prototypes of the Cole Hamels Bobblehead were sent to Clearwater and Ottawa. Both pitched perfect games with 27 strikeouts, did the homework of every child in the stadium instantly, and made every person in attendance completely pain and ailment free for two weeks.
Cole Hamels will soon be making his movie debut. He is the thing attacking New York City in the 1-18-08 movie trailer. Major League Umpires who saw the trailer said that he threw the head of the Statue of Liberty for a perfect strike.
The British invented that rotating bomb that bounced on top of water and destroyed German dams in the Ruhr Valley after a young Yorkshire girl in a meadow suddenly had a vision prophesying the birth of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels doesn't need a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Even Gary Sheffield likes Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels made Chuck Liddell tap out during the prefight handshake.
Cole Hamels signature is on the Declaration of Independence.
Cole Hamels does 350 push ups in between each inning. Then he works out a little bit.
Cole Hamels used to smoke, then cigarettes quit Cole Hamels.
Next year Cole will change his number to 27 for each strikeout he records per game.
Cole Hamels will single-handedly reverse the curse of William Penn by climbing and erecting a statue of himself on top of Philadelphia's City Hall. The Eagles, Sixers, Flyers and Phillies will then go to win "35" championships in a row in his honor.
If Cole Hamels was a pit bull he'd be indicted for making Michael Vick fight.
Christmas was moved to the 25th of December because Cole had already reserved the 27th.
It is widely held that Cole Hamels is Slemah Eloc, the Celtic God of fiery animal hide projectiles, spelled backwards.
Cole really slayed Goliath with his changeup and ran when Goliath fell. David just happened to be around.
Instead of getting some Z's Cole Hamels gets some K's.
Aliens do exist; they are just to afraid to come to Cole Hamels's planet.
If Mike Vick is convicted, the minimum punishment he faces is 6 years in prison, the maximum punishment is to be struck by one fastball from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels fastball doesn't go 93 mph, it goes 93 mph faster than the speed of light.
Q: If God created the Earth who created God? A: Cole Hamels.
Sonic the Hedgehog, The Flash, and Superman once challenged Cole Hamels to a race. When Sonic, Flash and Superman tried to cheat, realizing Cole was much more skilled and faster than them, Cole threw a fastball at all of their heads, killing them instantly. Nobody -including Johnny Damon, Jose Reyes, Ichiro, or Shane Victorino- has since dared to challenge Cole Hamels to a race.
Soccer will never be a major sport in America because Cole Hamels plays baseball.
Cole Hamels will be the 5th person carved into Mt. Rushmore.
People ask why we were put on Earth. The answer is simple: to watch Cole Hamels.
When Cole Hamels was born in 1983, the first words out of his mouth were "The Phillies need to get rid of that stupid ad jingle 'You're in the stands, you're Phillies fans!'" And they got rid of it.
Dick Vermeil never cried until he learned Cole Hamels doesn't play football.
Anthracite coal was actually named for Cole Hamels, but those people up in Wilkes-Barre are bad spellers.
Now we know that Syd Finch story in Sports Illustrated was actually true -- but his name is really Cole Hamels.
Save your money....Cole Hamels defeated Voldemort!
Ancient carvings on recently uncovered Native American stone tablets prove that Cole Hamels fastballs -- and not Paul Bunyan's footsteps -- created Minnesota's 10,000 lakes.
The song "U + Ur Hand" was written about Cole Hamels. It would have been called "U + Ur Arm", but his golden pitching arm is copyrighted.
Cole Hamels's position is misunderstood. He's not only a starter, he's also the finisher.
Cole Hamels is the only guy that straight guys can have a crush on.
A lot of people have a hard time deciding whether they like Pat's or Geno's better. The answer is clearly Cole's.
Cole Hamels was criticized for writing his K's backwards in elementary. Now his former teachers worship him.
The reason Cole didn't win the Rookie of the Year was because there was suspicion that he was Cy Young dressed up in Phillies uniform.
Umpires love Cole because all they have to do is sit back, have a beer, and call strikes and strikeouts.
Jack Nicholson was right when he said Tom Cruise couldn't handle the truth. No one can handle Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels robbed a home run over the Green Monster...while he was pitching.
Cole Hamels has Medusa-like powers. When batters face him, they freeze at the plate.
Cole Hamels threw a fast ball into the clouds which put a disturbance in the jet stream, hence the floods in North Texas.
Cole Hamels was originally cast for the role of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in Major League. Cole refused the role because the directors asked him to ease up due to the cameramen who could not keep up with his fastball.
When Cole Hamels was 16, he pretended to break his arm to disguise the fact that God was giving him a new arm equipped with the power to throw God’s changeup.
All Ryan Howard can think about at night is "Man, I wish I could be Cole Hamels."
Muhammed Ali only said he was the greatest of all time because he never fought Cole Hamels.
Nobody has started a nuclear war with America because no matter how many weapons they have, we have Cole Hamels
Starting this year, all banks, schools, and government offices will be closed on Cole's birthday.
The security thread in the new $100 bills are made from Cole's very own hair.
Oprah Winfrey does Cole Hamels's laundry and he doesn’t even tip her.
WB wants its CH.
Cole's wife is having Nontuplets. They will be the starting lineup for the Phillies starting in 2012. The Phillies will then win 35 straight World Series.
My wife gave birth to a 7 lb. 5 oz. baby boy. She then decided to name him Cole Hamels. He then magically grew 6 ft. and punched a hole in the wall.
Chances are, Cole Hamels is your father.
Cole Hamels makes Ty Cobb look like Mr. Rogers.
Cole Hamels will give up what will look to be Barry Bonds' 756th HR, only for it to be caught over the wall in deep center field...by Cole Hamels.
Mamma always said life is like a box of Cole Hamels. You always know a fastball is about to hit you in the face.
Jared from Subway did not lose 200 pounds from eating there. He was running from Cole Hamels. For three years.
After watching a Cole Hamels breaking ball, FOX immediately canceled "So You Think You Can Dance" because- what was the point anymore?
The only reason Cole Hamels hasn't won 3 consecutive British Opens is that his balls never get hit, by anything.
Jimmy Rollins asked Cole Hamels to stop throwing changeups at home in the first inning. J-Roll kept thinking it was the first pitch when he led-off and was sick of starting out 0-1.
Cole Hamels knows what the Gyro Ball does.
Cole Hamels can see John Cena.
David Beckham brought soccer to America. Cole Hamels will bring baseball to outer space.
Cole took Pam AND Karen from Jim.
Steve Carlton has volunteered to have his nickname changed from "Lefty" to "Steve" out of respect for Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels negotiated Mike Hampton's contract.
There was no room at the inn for Mary and Joseph because it was reserved for Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels, not Balco, is responsible for giving steroids to Major League ballplayers. He wants them to at least look powerful when they strike out against him.
To preserve Hank's record and the game's integrity, Selig considered allowing Bonds to only face Cole Hamels until he retires.
Once a child in San Diego, Cole attended a Padres game. The away team hit a home run right to Cole in the bleachers and he was prompted to throw the ball back on the field. He threw the ball so hard it went back in time and struck out Henry Aaron and Babe Ruth.
Cole Hamels once found a tick in his waving locks of love. Later scientific testing revealed that Cole had traces of tick blood sucked into his blood stream.
Cole Hamels actually made up all of the Cole Hamels Facts- each one commemorating another Cole Hamels K.
Cole Hamels's only flaw as a baseball player is that he slows down between second and third on his triples.
Cole Hamels throws so fast, that when he threw a ball at the start of a Nextel Cup, first place was "the ball Cole Hamels threw"!
The difference in miles per hour between Cole Hamels's fastball and changeup would still be the fastest pitch in baseball.
When Cole Hamels is eligible for free agency, George Steinbrenner and the Yankees will not be able to sign him...unless they can borrow some money from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels hit a 5 run homer- without a bat... or a ball.
Cole Hamels is the new mascot for the Phillies.
Cole Hamels doesn't wear a cup to protect himself, he wears a keg.
Jon Lester beat cancer. Cole Hamels taught him how.
If Lou Gehrig had Cole Hamels's Disease, he'd STILL be playing.
Cole Hamels once gave up a home run on purpose, just so he could run out to the stands and catch it himself.
Cole Hamels could never rape a woman: there are no women that wouldn't have sex with Cole Hamels.
Mike Tyson tried to eat Cole Hamels children, but he ended up eating a fastball instead.
Cole Hamels says his favorite movie is "300", because he will have that many wins in 2 years.
Cole Hamels doesn't walk batters, he sets up double plays.
Forget bio-fuels, cars of the future will run on Cole.
On the seventh day, God said, "Hey Cole! Little help?"
Cole Hamels doesn't strike 27 batters out. He strikes out one and the rest faint.
Cole Hamels is a 3rd grade drop out. After seeing him pitch in Little League, the Phillies immediately drafted him.
Cole Hamels is the reason why Willie Randolph’s arm is in a sling.
Cole Hamels loves the character Biff from "Back To The Future". He once said to Ryan Howard, "Why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?" The year was 2006, and Ryan Howard hit 58 home runs.
Only Cole Hamels knows how old Greg Oden is.
Cole Hamels told Tim Donaghy who to bet on.
Tommy John wants Cole Hamels Surgery.
When Cole Hamels pitches, they will have a batter on both sides of the plate to save time.
Cole Hamels completed the Triathlon in two stages.
Cole Hamels read Finnegan’s Wake, and understands it.
Barry Bonds will have an asterisk next to his name in the record books, not because of steroid use, but because he is not Cole Hamels.
Aaron Rowand doesn't want to be traded because he would have to face Cole Hamels.
The Phillies do not use a pitch count with Cole Hamels... They use a death toll.
Cole's high school was formerly known as Rancho Bernardo High School. The name has since been formally changed to Rancho Bernardo - Hamels's School.
Cole Hamels once threw a pitch so hard that the catcher missed it on purpose just so it could hit the umpire.
Cole Hamels once struck out 26 batters. He would have struck out 27 but he was pitching behind his back.
When Barry Bonds hits number 756 he'll point to a picture of Cole Hamels instead of to the sky.
The last time Cole Hamels pitched, the giveaway was birth control for the ladies.
If Cole Hamels was elected president the world would appreciate Cole Hamels.
McNabb got hurt so he could hang out with Cole Hamels more.
Cole Hamels felt tired in the 7th against the Nats. He sent out his bobble head doll from the bullpen to pitch the 8th. Bobble Cole proceeded to strike out the side.
Cole's son will be the second-best pitcher to ever live.
The Hall of Fame is already busy making Cole's bust.
Convicted killers won't get the electric chair; they'll get a Cole Hamels fastball to the head.
A wind shift isn't caused by a cold front but by a Cole Hamels fastball/ changeup combination.
Cole Hamels once shut out the New York Mets, yet still not satisfied, suited up for the Flyers and shut out the New York Rangers on the same day.
In Colorado, Cole Hamels held down the tarp with his right hand.
Cole Hamels doesn't fight dogs like Mike Vick; he fights bears. Cole Hamels is the undefeated champion.
Cole Hamels watched the Neverending Story. It promptly ended.
Danica Patrick can't win a race because she's got Cole on her mind.
Cole Hamels knows who killed Biggie, Tupac, and the truth behind Kurt Cobain's suicide. He just thinks it's fun watching the rest of us guess.
Cole Hamels walked the length of Ikea in three minutes and twelve seconds. Once in the warehouse, he put everything together...without reading the directions and without an allen wrench.
Cole Hamels went on this website and managed to keep a straight face.
Pretty soon every team will retire number 35. They won't even allow past players to use it any more.
Cole Hamels was once in a bench clearing brawl; he left no survivors.
Cole Hamels's fastball is so fast, it has never been caught on film.
Have you ever seen Cole Hamels ejected from a game? NO. The umpires are too afraid to.
Cole Hamels will catch Hank Aaron's home run record before Barry Bonds will.
When you see a Cole Hamels fastball, it has already traveled around the world 3 times.
Cole Hamels once struck out 13 batters in his mother's womb.
In 5 years, there will be no players left in MLB, they would retire in fear of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels once threw a pitch so fast, it created a time warp and struck someone out in 1937.
Cole Hamels played for the 1980 World Champion Phillies.
Cole Hamels has never been in a baseball video game because it is impossible to recreate his greatness.
Cole Hamels doesn't just have two balls, he has three strikes.
Cole Hamels's changeup can legally marry people in Delaware.
In the event of a tie vote in the senate, Cole Hamels casts the deciding vote. Abortions are now illegal...except when performed by a changeup.
Cole Hamels always throws no hitters: meaning no hitters ever want to face him.
Cole Hamels is taller than Chris Young and heavier than David Wells.
Cole has been asked to be on the Madden 09' cover because EA Sports knows he'll be the one to break the curse.
Cole Hamels does Jager bombs without the Red Bull. He already has wings.
Jon Lieber did not get hurt backing up home plate. He tried to compare himself to Cole Hamels, and got a changeup to the ankle.
Cole Hamels unfroze Ted Williams with a blazing fastball, and then re-froze him with a changeup.
Since the injury to Chase Utley, Cole Hamels has elected to pitch from second base.
Cole Hamels is so dominant he accidentally struck out himself, giving him 28 for the game.
It takes 3 announcers to call a Phillies game because Cole Hamels is a powerful language to decipher.
Fishermen use Cole Hamels's curveball instead of actual hooks.
Cole Hamels will heal Chase Utley's hand.
Cole Hamels will star in the movie version of Malcolm in the Middle. He will play Dewey. Everybody loves Dewey.
Jessica Alba broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years because one of her friends told her that Cole Hamels might be single.
Shaft once said, "Cole Hamels is a bad mother..." Cole Hamels told Shaft to shut his mouth.
Since Cole Hamels got bored of not walking anybody, he changed the amount of balls for a walk from four to one.
One time, the Phillies won a game 1-0 in 20 innings, but because Cole Hamels threw a perfect game the day before, he only pitched 19 innings.
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is out; Six Degrees of Cole Hamels is in.
There will never be a "Cole Hamels Jersey Night". Everyone already has a Cole Hamels jersey.
The National League is thinking of adopting the DH. That way they can keep Cole Hamels from hitting 4 homers a game.
The reason Fidel Castro took ill in 2006 is because he knew with the arrival of Cole Hamels, no one would need any more Cuban pitchers.
Cole once got in a scuffle with Chuck Norris. Cole walked away wearing Chuck's beard.
Cole Hamels is so rich, he will pay money from his own pocket so that the Washington Nationals will sign Alex Rodriguez in the off-season and then proceed to strike him out 155 times.
Cal Ripken Jr. decided to end his consecutive games played streak when he heard that 14 year-old Cole Hamels developed a changeup.
Cole Hamels has struck out David Eckstein.
Cole Hamels could be the fastest player ever to reach 500 home runs, but he is too busy fighting crime during off-days and inning breaks.
Cole Hamels taught PacMan Jones how to 'make it rain', but PacMan took it too far.
Cole Hamels writes Dane Cook's comedy material.
Cole Hamels hand is black and burnt after every game, because if he threw any faster he would lose it.
Cole Hamels is Baer Grylls on his days off.
Cole Hamels reportedly came out of his mother's womb at an astounding 6 foot 3 inches and hasn't grown an inch.
As a new intimidation tactic, before each inning Hamels will take a bite out of the ball like an apple and proceed to bend over and pull a Cy Young Award out of his rear end.
Every time Hamels throws a strike an angel gets its wings.
Cole Hamels is the newest member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Bud Selig has OFFICIALY said he will be in attendance when Cole breaks the all-time strikeout record (should be some time during mid 2008).
Cole Hamels's baseball card has replaced the Mona Lisa as the most studied picture ever.
Cole Hamels does not wear condoms because there is no such thing as protection from Cole Hamels.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons. It was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Cole Hamels fastball. They didn't even come close.
There is no such thing as a lesbian....just a woman who has never met Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels doesn't say, "Who's your daddy?," because he already knows the answer.
When Cole Hamels was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third....that afternoon.
Cole Hamels fastballs have replaced Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks as the most deadliest thing in the world.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it will take Cole Hamels to strike you out.....forty-seven times.
"Kohl's" Department Store has officially changed its name to "Cole's".
Not only is Cole a pitching God, he's an avid bowler and goes out often with Jamie Moyer, Randy Johnson, and Roger Clemens. He also enjoys an occasional root beer float.
Cole Hamels keeps a Gyrados as a pet. If spiders were the size of cars, he wouldn't be scared, either.
Jeff Lebowski refers to Cole as "The Dude".
If Cole Hamels could travel back in time (which by the way he is really close to doing), he would travel back in time to his Little League days and train to be a left fielder. He would then return to 1993, catch Joe Carter's home run, then lead off the 11 with a signature 5 run homer.
Cole Hamels once turned a suicide bunt into an inside the park homerun, all while carrying Charlie Manuel on his back.
Cole Hamels has a calming effect on the Marlins' Scott Olsen.
Chuck Norris is really spelled Chuck Knorris, but Cole Hamels has to get his amazing K's from somewhere.
Due to Cole Hamels, scientists have now changed Einstein's Theory of Relativity to "E=A Cole Hamels changeup squared".
Chase Utley didn't break his hand when he was hit by a pitch. Cole Hamels just gave him a high-five.
Chase Utley paid John Lannan to break his hand because Utley thought if he broke his hand he could be more like Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels plays catch with himself and still throws fastballs.
Cole Hamels spent his summer with Napoleon Dynamite and his uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines, and he really did shoot like 50 of 'em with a freakin' 12-gauge.
Cole Hamels struck out Barry Bonds so many times, Bonds accused him of using steroids.
Cole’s favorite song is “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke.
In 1972, Steve Carlton won 27 games for the last place Phillies (who only won 59 games total that year), won the pitching triple crown (wins, era, strikeouts) and was the unanimous choice for the Cy Young. In 2008, Cole Hamels will win 55 games for the first place Phillies (who will win 110 games and then sweep the LA Angels in the World Series!), will set new all-time records for Wins, ERA, and Strikeouts, and will be the unanimous choice for the Cy Young, the NL MVP, the WS MVP (winning all four games with C.G. shutouts and hitting 1.000 with 16 home runs), and the 'Comeback Player Of The Year' award (having only won 30 games in 2007!).
Cole Hamels closed on Winnie Cooper when Kevin Arnold could not.
Cole Hamels is Jet Li's sensei. Li was only a small boy when Cole took him in and taught him the patented 'Cole Hamels high-kick' and the rest is history.
Cole Hamels is the only pitcher that is not allowed to use Humidor baseballs in Coors Field.
Cole Hamels doesn't take crap from anybody, but people enjoy taking crap from Cole Hamels. People consider it an honor that Cole is actually talking to them.
There weren't actually weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, just a Cole Hamels beanball. After Cole beans Sammy Sosa in the head with a fastball in the year 2010, the ball will ricochet off Sosa's helmet so fast, the ball will fly back in time to the year 2002 at a speed35x the speed of light and land in the mole hole that Saddam was hiding in. The only reason it has not been found yet, is because Cole traveled to Iraq later that year and took the ball being noticed, and was back for his scheduled start two days later.
The Flyers have changed the name of their Power Play from the PECO Power Play to the Cole Hamels Power Play. Paul Holmgren said that Hamels delivers more power, so why not?
If Cole played hockey, he could deke Sidney Crosby in a phone booth.
Cole was banned by the NBA after 1 game for scoring 784 points in one quarter.
Cole Hamels was nominated for Pope, But could not take the job due to contractual obligations with the Phillies.
The only time sportscasters wear suits is on the days Cole Hamels pitches.
When Cole Hamels plays Starcraft, he doesn't need to build on the creep when he's Zerg or near a pylon when he's Protoss.
Mick Jagger only gets what he needs, Cole Hamels gets everything he wants and needs.
Cole Hamels has 4 tickets to paradise, he is planning on bringing Roger Clemens, Steve Carlton, and Nolan Ryan to teach them how to throw a changeup.
Cole Hamels will gain 100 pounds, hit .400 and prove to Tony Gwynn that HE is the most talented fat man in baseball history.
Top scientists are studying Cole's coolness under pressure in an attempt to combat global warming.
Clay Condrey is so afraid of Cole Hamels that he sent HIMSELF down to the minor leagues 4 times this year, only to be forced back up by Phillies management.
Cole Hamels would compete for a batting title, except MLB won't let him use his forearm to hit the ball.
Ted Williams did not land his wounded aircraft in Korea. Cole was time traveling, as he sometimes does, and he landed the plane while striking out the unconscious Williams 3 times on 9 pitches.
Cole pumps his own gas when he’s in New Jersey.
Cole Hamels will win the Time Man Of The Year Award in 2012 when he saves the world on Dec. 21 at 11:11 am, proving Darren Daulton wrong.
Cole Hamels was the thirteenth apostle.
Cole Hamels is actually throwing a wiffle ball.
Cole Hamels got 7 first place votes in the preseason USA Today NCAA football poll.
The movie Roadhouse is loosely based on the bar fights Cole Hamels has been in.
Cole will be the Commissioner of Baseball one day and reinstate Pete Rose, just to strike him out.
Cole will enter a team of Chihuahuas in the Iditarod dog sled race and win by the largest margin ever. Then he will instruct the team to rip Michael Vick to shreds.
Cole once dated Carrie Underwood and didn't choke when holding the football for a field goal attempt during the NFC Wild Card Game.
Pokémon changed its slogan from "Gotta catch 'em all!" to "Gotta pitch 'em all!" in honor of Cole Hamels, who threw one Poké ball and was able to get all known types of Pokémon with it... then struck 'em out.
If Cole Hamels had joined the nWo, they'd still be in business.
1429. 50 GB of data can fit on a HD DVD and a Blu-ray Disc. Cole Hamels can fit 350 GB of data on a cassette tape.
Legend is that Cole Hamels' face launched a thousand wins... his fastball launched no home run balls.
Cole Hamels got a 110% on Free Bird in Guitar Hero II because he's not only a Guitar Hero, he's an everything hero, too.
According to ESPN, Cole Hamels isn't just Now, he's Forever.
Cole told Bon Jovi he can't go home.
After deep consideration, the people of Israel decided to change their religion from Judaism to Hamelsm. And it is forbidden to eat meat on the day he pitches.
Due to Cole's first name and how he slaughters the competition, a food was named after him: COLESLAW.
All of Jay-Z's 99 problems are directly related to Cole Hamels.
Charlie Manuel had to stop writing Cole Hamels's name on the starting lineup when Hamels pitched because the paper immediately burst into flames.
The super-perfect game in the movie The Scout was based off of Cole.
Cole Hamels hates Raymond.
Cole's fastball set Jimi Hendrix's guitar on fire.
Bungie (The creators of Halo) were thinking of new weapons to put into the game. They came up with the idea of basing a weapon off of Cole Hamels fastball. However, they decided to scrap the idea because no other weapon could compare to that speed and power.
Cole Hamels has a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.
Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Cole Hamels laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Life doesn't give Cole Hamels lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
Cole Hamels gets intentionally walked in batting practice.
Jason Hammel, RHP for Tampa, has changed his name in an attempt to be like Cole, unfortunately for Jason, there is only one Hamels.
Cole Hamels struck out Cory Matthews and stole Topanga.
Cole Hamels is listed 100 times in People magazine's “100 Most Beautiful People” issue.
Cole Hamels cut his hair and donated it to "Locks of Love" so an 11-year-old cancer patient, Kelly, could feel normal. Upon receiving Cole's hair, she instantly was cured of cancer, grew 9 inches, and can throw a change up that even Cole is impressed with.
After hearing that Cole broke his arm at 16, and is now the dominant pitcher that he is, George Steinbrenner demands that every pitcher the Yankees draft have his arm broken at the age of 16.
Cole Hamels ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and he got it.
Cole Hamels won the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest, but no one noticed since he finished all of his hot dogs before they introduced him.
Cole Hamels once homered off his own pitch just to prove to everyone that it is possible.
The War in Iraq was halted until Cole Hamels recovered from injury.
Cole Hamels’s brothers-in-law all took the Hamels surname after marriage.
Cole Hamels pitches through his glove when he wants more of a challenge.
Lennox Lewis only retired when he heard Cole Hamels considered taking up boxing as a ‘hobby’.
Cole Hamels knows what happens to the escalator stairs when they reach the top.
Department of Homeland Security is just a fancy name for Cole's fastball.
Cole Hamels' iPod never runs out of juice. He just throws some heat by it and it's good for another 5 years.
Cole Hamels doesn't need a theme song. You couldn't hear it anyway, after his 110mph fastball sucks all the sound out of the stadium.
The L.A. riots were actually started when Cole Hamels shut out the Dodgers before a single fan got into the stadium, prompting the fans to riot.
Cole Hamels won't pitch a perfect game every time out because, like a cat, he prefers to play with the mice first.
A suicide squeeze is actually considered suicide when facing Hamels's deadly fastball.
When Cole goes out with Pat Burrell, A.J. Feeley, Simon Gagne, and Kyle Korver, Cole gets the most numbers.
Cole Hamels represents Scott Boras.
Cole Hamels mentally picks the winning Powerball numbers the night before the official drawing.
When Cole Hamels pitches, he reserves a table at Chickie's and Pete's during the game for the Phillies relievers, then stops by after the game to pick up the tab.
Cole pushed Jake Brown.
The ball used in Cole's Major League debut sold for 3 times the amount of Bonds's 756th home run ball.
If you rearrange the letters of Cole Hamels's name, you get 27 K's.
Cole Hamels can throw a 4-seam fastball with a snowball and a circle-change with a hockey puck.
Converse is in negotiations to change the name of their famous sneaker to the "Cole Hamels All-Star".
One time Cole Hamels threw the ball so hard, the cowhide changed back into a cow.
Mr. T picked T because Cole Hamels already owns the name Mr. K.
When Cole played for Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons, he once threw a ball up in the air at Lackawanna County Stadium. It landed ten miles away and created the world's biggest pot hole in Archbald, Pa.
Why do the Phillies lead the league in runs scored? They never have to face Cole Hamels!
Cole Hamels once "Stomped the Yard"; there were no survivors.
Cole Hamels Lager is 100% alcohol.
The Colbert Report on Comedy Central has now become a 24 hour update on the daily performance of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels knows the question of life, the universe, and everything.
MLB was considering changing the measurement of pitch speed from MPH to MCH. However, they abandoned the idea when they realized it could only calculate the pitch speeds in decimal points, because no one throws as fast as 1 MCH.
Since Cole is a god, when you donate blood at the up coming Phillies game and receive his bobblehead doll, you are giving life, to receive the meaning of life.
The book of Genesis is wrong- Cole Hamels does not rest on Sundays.
Cole Hamels threw a perfect game in Shea Stadium in New York... from Petco Park in San Diego.
Cole Hamels doesn't say your name wrong, you just haven't been pronouncing it right.
Cole Hamels doesn’t drink milk, he eats cows.
Cole once inhaled an 8 foot tall bottle of champagne, thirty-five Jack Daniels, three gallons of vodka, and five tranquilizer darts. He then blinked, grabbed the rosin bag, and struck out 15.
In 2010, automobiles will no longer be powered by gas. After many tests by scientists, it has been proven that a Cole Hamels fastball can easily work as a fuel.
Cole Hamels once struck out the side on three pitches.
If kindness counts, ColeHamels-ness adds, subtracts, multiplies, divides, and finds the square root of all positive and negative integers.
Rick Tocchet admits that he bet on Cole Hamels.
Steve Spurrier votes for Cole Hamels every week.
MLB considered lowering the mound to give batters a chance against Cole Hamels. They changed their mind when they realized that nothing could give batters a chance against Cole Hamels.
In an early election poll, Cole Hamels's changeup is the leading favorite to be elected President in 2008. Its running mate would be his fastball.
Mad cow disease is actually caused by cows angry over how hard Cole throws cow hide.
Cole Hamels has a calming effect on Jose Offerman.
When God said "Let there be light," Cole Hamels said, "Say please."
The baseball was invented because Cole Hamels's "fast-boulder" was too dangerous.
Cole once threw only 26 pitches to throw a complete game.
Cole's fastball is so fast that batters actually swing late on his awesome changeup.
There is a baseball video game where every player is Cole Hamels. Sadly, no one has ever played it, since no disc can even hold the power of 700 imaginary Cole Hamelses.
Cole knows his calculus, it says “You+Me=K”.
The Pilgrims sailed back to Europe, in fear of the invention of baseball and the eventual birth of Cole Hamels.
When the assembly took too long, Cole suspended the principal.
The reason Chad from High school Musical doesn't dance is because Cole Hamels told him he couldn't.
Times Square can't shine as bright as Delilah, but a Cole Hamels fastball can.
Whenever Metallica performs a concert in Philadelphia, the video that plays on the screen behind them is of Cole Hamels illegally downloading their music from Napster.
Don Imus made those racially charged comments about the Rutgers women's basketball team so he would be fired from the radio and not have to talk about Cole Hamels every day.
Jim Rome got his attitude from being beaten up by Cole Hamels's wife.
Cole doesn't ask fathers for their daughters' hand in marriage; the fathers ask, nay, demand, for Cole's.
Cole Hamels made the same speech about practice as Allen Iverson, but no one criticized him for it because, hey, he doesn't need it.
By law, Cole has been forced to go on the disabled list at least once a year so that the rest of baseball can enjoy the game once in a while without being dominated.
Rick Sutcliffe was drunk while on the air because he was in Cole Hamels's hotel room sniffing his underwear.
Highlights of Cole Hamels's strikeouts are banned from being displayed on video due to viewers going into epileptic seizures from all of the flashes of light.
When it rains, it is really God crying because Cole stole his girl and kicked sand in his face. When it snows, it is cocaine powder spilling from God's nose -- it's his way to deal with the depression.
Cole made fun of minorities and mentally handicapped people, and was still referred to as "a class act."
Brett Myers wasn't originally in that commercial with Shane Victorino; Cole Hamels was. But the commercial didn't make logical sense when Charlie Manuel asked them if they wanted to be on the kiss cam. The answer is always yes, so why ask?
Legendary film critic Gene Siskel didn't die from brain tumor complications. He died from not being able to handle criticism from Cole Hamels. Cole told him that he made an excessive use of a comma and Gene died on the spot.
Kirby Puckett went blind because it wasn't worth seeing if he could never pick up a Cole Hamels changeup.
Cole Hamels is not actually injured. He was forced to go on the DL so the rest of the league could catch up with his stats.
Cole Hamels won the Indianapolis 500 and only traveled 250 miles.
Cole Hamels is the only pitcher who could ever throw a perfect game, because he is indeed perfect.
Cole Hamels beat Carlos Delgado in an arm wrestling match...with both hands tied behind his back.
The number one name given to newborn boys in the year 2008 will be Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is a practical joker: He's faking an injury to give Mets fans hope.
Cole Hamels dreams in all Ks.
Cole Hamels was placed on the disabled list, not because he was injured, but because other disabled players needed healing and encouragement.
Bud Selig was praying that Cole Hamels would pitch to Barry Bonds every time Bonds was up. He knows Cole Hamels scares Barry Bonds.
Superman's only weakness was kryptonite, but that was before Cole Hamels was born.
Barry Bonds has struck out so many times against Cole Hamels, he asked Cole Hamels what kind of steroids he used and where he got them. Cole pointed to his arm and said, "I was born like this."
Cole didn't really get injured this August, he just went on the disabled list to prove that the Phillies could still make the playoffs without him... and the rest of the rotation... and half of their lineup.
Cole Hamels's recent trip to the 15-day DL was a request from the commissioner of the NFL, who asked baseball have mercy on their opening weekend and not allow a Cole Hamels start to ruin their ratings. Bud Selig is an idiot, so he agreed.
Antonio Alfonseca was devastated to learn Cole Hamels also has 6 fingers... on each finger.
Cole went on the DL so that he could go to a Caribbean beach with 10 of the hottest women you’ve ever seen.
Cole Hamels would have led the 2006-07 Flyers to the playoffs.
When kids go to sleep at night they check under their beds for monsters. When Carlos Delgado goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels, Chuck Norris and Mr. T all went to heaven.
God said to them, "One can sit at my left and one to my right." Cole stood there and waited. Chuck Norris sat to the right. Mr. T sat to the left.
When Cole saw this, he beaned God with a fastball and took his seat. He then beaned both Chuck Norris and Mr. T and brought up Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley to sit at his left and his right.
Cole Hamels at 90% is like everyone else at 190%.
Miss Teen South Carolina was thinking about Cole Hamels when asked why one in five Americans couldn't locate the United States on a world map.
Clay Buchholz didn't throw a no hitter, it was Cole Hamels in a Clay Buchholz costume on a rehab start.
Cole Hamels can lick both of his elbows at once.
Cole Hamels knows the scientific name of the area behind your knee.
Three things affect the tides: Full moon, new moon, and a changeup from Cole Hamels.
Cole can lick a pole in the winter and not get stuck.
When Cole Hamels was placed on the DL, the country put their flags at half mast.
Cole will take the lead role in Equus. Daniel Radcliffe will be jealous. The horse will be jealous.
Cole's change up was voted #2 on Maxim's hot 100 losing only to his fastball of course.
Cole has no need for a fourth pitch because he doesn't even have a need for a second pitch.
Cole goes on the DL just so he can have some extra time to discover the cure for cancer.
It's not that CHF hasn't been updated, its just Cole has started to read each fact and it would be rude to keep making him play catch up.
While girls used to dream about Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell, Zack Morris used to dream about Cole Hamels.
Hamels performs own Tommy John surgery, recovers immediately
Cole is on a pitch count of 75 tonight, so he only plans on pitching 70-75 innings.
Cole Hamels took a month off to write the next three seasons of LOST.
Cole Hamels wakes up his alarm clock with a fastball/ changeup combination.
One time Cole Hamels saw a little old lady about to get hit by a car. He ran out into the street, lifted the old lady above his head with one hand, and used his free arm to stop the car in its tracks. He then ate the car, and then gave the old lady free season tickets to the Phillies. Before the next game, Cole had a bowel movement and passed the car, now condensed to the size of a baseball by his mighty digestive system. The resultant metallic turd was used as the game ball, with which Cole threw a 17-inning no-hitter. The only reason it wasn't a perfect game was because the umpire called what was clearly strike three to be ball four, no doubt because he was temporarily blinded by the radiant awesomeness of Cole Hamels.
OJ went nuts and got arrested again because it was actually Cole Hamels memorabilia that got taken from him.
Cole Hamels was supposed to be on Survivor like his wife, but he already has immunity from everything, so he would never be voted off.
Britney Spears had stage fright and performed poorly at the VMAs because Cole Hamels was in the audience.
The new character on Heroes will have the ability to be Cole Hamels, giving him every superpower ever.
Larry Bowa was fired because he never brought Cole Hamels up to the majors.
Cole Hamels swims faster than Michael Phelps (while wearing his full uniform)
Cole Hamels can catch The Roadrunner without Acme's help.
The Eagles had so many points on Sept. 23 because Cole Hamels was in disguise, wearing a Kevin Curtis jersey. And a Donovan McNabb jersey. And a Brian Westbrook jersey. Actually, Cole was also the one who designed the sweet yellow and blue jerseys.
Cole Hamels can recite the dictionary forwards and backwards while striking out Pujols then pegging Bonds in the head, all on one foot.
Cole Hamels has a calming effect on Milton Bradley.
New Yorkers and Americans across the country were offended that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia because they were expecting Cole Hamels. President Ahmadinejad claimed there are no homosexuals in Iran, but then he saw a picture of Cole Hamels. He has now redacted this claim.
Citizens Bank Park will soon be called, "The House that Cole Built", literally, since Cole built the entire stadium by himself, on only 3 days rest.
Heidi would have won “Survivor,” if she had married Cole Hamels earlier.
Interleague play was created because National League hitters complained it was unfair that the American League batters didn't have to face Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is a horror story that sluggers tell their Little Leaguers about. If you don't behave, Cole Hamels will come strike you out.
Roger Clemens had to pay Cole Hamels property rights to name all his children with the letter "K".
Nolan Ryan recently revealed to the press that he was Cole Hamels's protege.
Cole Hamels doesn't need to bluff because others are intimidated to go heads up with him.
Iverson's practice speech was because he was jealous Cole didn't practice.
Cole's biography is already on The History Channel.
Lance Bass admitted when he was gay when he found out Cole was single.
If Cole had been around when the LA police beat Rodney King, we would have “all just gotten along”.
Cole Hamels has been suiting up every weekend this season as an opponent of the Notre Dame football team. He will continue to do this until they meet his request to donate a portion of their television contract to suitable charities designated by Cole. When they do, he will cease defeating Notre Dame football almost single handedly. Cole honed his football skills with little known Appalachian State against Michigan earlier this year. He did not want to create too much of a commotion, so he initially choose a little known school to practice his skills with.
When Cole and his wife have children, the "because I said so" explanation will actually work on them.
Jake Peavy left a voicemail on Cole's cell phone requesting pitching lessons...Cole never called him back.
Mario had to get Cole's permission before throwing fireballs.
Survivorman could not survive a Cole Hamels fastball.
Yoda said he did not believe the radar when it read Cole's fastball was 500MPH. Cole told him, "That is why you fail."
Steinbrenner wanted to buy Cole for the Yankees. Cole threatened to buy the Yankees. Steinbrenner left him alone.
When Cole goes hunting he doesn't use a gun. He uses baseballs.
The Led Zeppelin song "Stairway to Heaven" has been renamed "Stairway to Cole Hamels Land".
Cole Hamels farts strikeouts and craps division titles.
The only thing more amazing than Cole Hamels' changeup is his hair.
By converting to Hamels-ism, all the world's religious problems would be solved.
Cole Hamels can only sneeze when his eyelids are open.
When Cole Hamels strikes out a batter, the sound ensuing from the crowd is delusional. It's actually multiple female orgasms occurring at once, seeing a fastball as fast as his being thrown right down the middle.
MLB.com's GameDay cannot properly calculate the trajectory of Cole Hamels's curveball. Yes, it is a 2-8, but spans 3 giant clock lengths before crossing the plate.
Cole Hamels often swerves between lanes when driving. He loses his concentration as he sees himself in the mirror, and falls into a deep trance from his really, really, really, ridiculous good looks.
In Futurama, Cole Hamels gave Zap Brannigan "sexlexia".
Cole Hamels CAN move a rubber tree plant.
Cole Hamels is the reason hitters stop trying.
Birds migrate to Cole Hamels.
Suicide squeeze is the term for somebody who tries to hug Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels guzzled a vat of Yuengling and put out a forest fire with his pee.
Cole Hamels taught Ryan Sheckler how to skateboard.
Cole Hamels brushed back a Weeble, and it fell down.
Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio retired because of Cole Hamels.
If you stare into a Cole Hamels bobblehead, your eyes will burn and you'll have a stroke.
Cole Hamels can ship illegal cocaine to Cuba and pitch a 97 mph curveball to Prince Fielder at the same time.
Cole Hamels knows Carly Simon wrote a song is about him.
Cole Hamels got revenge for Evander Holyfield and went to Mike Tyson’s house and bit off both of his ears while Tyson was on both knees praying to Allah that he couldn’t take anymore. Hamels then ties up Tyson’s ankles and wrists, and tattooed the left side of Iron’s face a glorious portrait of Cole in the windup.
Bernard Hopkins missed his fight against Winky Wright, so Cole Hamels flew in from West Chester and took his spot.
Ted Williams' kids wanted Ted frozen so when they start cloning, they want to put Ted's head on Cole's body.
Next year the Phillies will be offering special contraceptive devices to all women sitting in the first three rows behind home plate to keep down the number of paternity suits against Cole's changeup.
The American people would understand Bush attacking Iraq for Cole, but not for oil.
Cole Hamels is so amazing, he plays guitar hero.....accoustically.
If Lucy tried to pull the football away from Cole Hamels he would throw a fastball so hard through the field goal posts it would go all the way around the world and smack her in the back of the head.
In this year's home run derby Cole Hamels hits a home run so far Chris Berman dies of exhaustion from saying back, back, back until he dies.
Cole doesn't dip Skoal, he dips Mets in boiling pine tar.
Curt Schilling's bloody sock from the series a few years ago was actually a gift from Cole Hamels.
Years from now the book, "The Cole Hamels Change " will smash sales of the "Da Vinci Code."
Cole Hamels can: -turn the greyest sky blue. -make it rain, whenever he wants it to. -build a castle from a single grain of sand. -make a ship sail on dry land. -fly like a bird in the sky. -buy anything that money can buy. -turn a river into a raging fire. -live forever, if he so desired. -turn back the hands of time (you better believe he can) -make the seasons change-just by waving his hand. The reason people carry around THE END IS NEAR signs is because Cole is pitching against their favorite team.
Cole Hamels is smarter than a 5th grader.
Cole Hamels once struck out Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder looking.
Cole Hamels only needs 4 fingers to pitch. He gave his pinkie fingers to Antonio Alfonseca.
Cole Hamels would have started the All-Star game, but his hair had a date with Jessica Alba at 7:30 that night.
Cole Hamels read all of these facts in 3.67 seconds.
Cole can make Jamie Moyer throw 95 MPH.
When Cole Hamels enters Delaware it becomes the most important state in the union.
Cole Hamels once threw a complete game shutout wearing scuba gear. He was going diving after the game…
If Cole Hamels tries to wear briefs they immediately turn to gold and become uncomfortable.
Cole Hamels's wife is way hotter than Superman's.
Watching Cole Hamels pitch will lower your cholesterol.
Cole Hamels hits 5-run homeruns and steals 2 bases at a time, all while drinking a cup of Gatorade.
Cole is so sexy he even makes the alternate uniform look good.
The only reason Jimmy Rollins won the 2007 NL MVP Award is because he never had to face Cole Hamels.
A Cole Hamels fastball is so fast it would kill a cat nine times in one pitch!
DeBeers has changed its motto from “A Diamond is Forever,” to “Cole Hamels: she’ll pretty much have to.”
Mohamed named his teddy bear Cole Hamels.
Red Sox Nation is a dot in the middle of Cole Hamels's world!
Cole Hamels would never sue this page, which proves that Cole is far superior to Chuck Norris.
A 15 year old Cole Hamels was Roger Clemens' inspiration to take steroids. Unfortunately, they only made him pitch as well as 2 year old Cole Hamels (right-handed).
Cole would've successfully resigned Aaron Rowand for 4 years and 85 cents.
Chuck Norris' only known weakness: Cole Hamels's 0 - 2 changeup.
Cole Hamels was the best man at his own wedding and had better hair than his bride.
Chuck Norris proclaimed himself as the toughest man on Earth. Coincidently, that was the same day that Cole decided to go to Mars to see if they had found Chuck's common sense after he hit it with a fastball.
Cole Hamels might as well be called Cloverfield because he also destroys New York.
Johan Santana wanted to be traded to the Mets so he would have the ability to watch Cole Hamels pitch more often. To thwart Santana's efforts, Hamels will pitch right-handed every time he pitches against the Mets. This will fluster Santana so much that he will have a mental breakdown on the mound in which he will cry like Terrell Owens until Mets manager Willie Randolph has to carry him back to the dugout.
To stay in shape during the off season, Cole enrolled at Florida, changed his name to Tim Tebow, and won the Heisman Trophy.
Cole Hamels told Brian McNamee to inject Roger Clemens with steroids because Cole wanted competition as the best pitcher of all time.
Cole Hamels’s sperm is all shaped in the letter K.
When Cole Hamels shaves, his beard hairs walk back to the dugout in shame.
Joel Zumaya can throw 100 mph because he stole a lock of Cole Hamels's hair and rubbed it all over his arm.
Because Cole Hamels hated travelling to New York so much, he threw his pitches from the mound in Citizens Bank Park when the Phillies had an away game against the Mets.
Ryan Howard reported early to spring training because Cole Hamels asked him to. Cole Hamels doesn't ask twice.
Cole Hamels was once thrown out of a game for touching his face before he threw his devastating changeup. The reason? The umpire claimed Cole was doctoring the ball with “handsome”.
Cole Hamels got $500,000 from the Phillies this year, in honor of the amount of strikeouts he will accrue in 2008.
Even Harry Chapin stayed home when he realized his son was Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels pays fans to jog around the bases as he stands on the mound, just so he can know how the rest of the pitchers feel.
The real reason Santa was booed at that Eagles game was fans heard the man underneath that costume wasn’t Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels isn’t impressed with any of Dr. J’s dunks. He can dunk from the free throw line – from the other side of the court.
Daryl Dawkins breaks backboards – Cole Hamels breaks catchers' left hands.
Cole Hamels was initially slated to fight the Big Show at Wrestlemania 24 – not Floyd Mayweather. But Big Show backed out because he didn’t want to get his ass kicked.
If Brett Myers tried pulling the joke on Hamels that he played on Kyle Kendrick, Myers would have ended up in the hospital with Hamels’s fist in his nose.
Cole Hamels has 27 K’s – 27 K’s vision.
Cole Hamels taught himself how to read, write, and pitch.
Standing in the batter's box against Cole was to crazy for Steve-o.
Cole Hamels is behind the recent upturn in the fortunes of the Welsh Rugby Union team.
The Yankees named their spring training stadium after George Steinbrenner because Cole Hamels denied their request to name it after him.
Cole Hamels caused Homer Bailey to go into seclusion.
Paul Lo Duca will play for every NL East team except for the Phillies, because he doesn't want to break his hand from Cole's fastball.
After Cole's barfight, professional boxers asked for training tips.
When Cole Hamels goes to the strip club, the girls hand him one dollar bills.
Britney Spears began her downward spiral right after Cole Hamels turned her down.
Cole pitched T-Ball.
Jericho was cancelled because the world can only end when Cole Hamels allows a run, so the premise of the show was completely unrealistic and the fans stopped watching.
Jake Peavy was caught cheating with pieces of Cole Hamels's toe jam on his hand. Peavy pitched a 2 hit CG that night.
Cole Hamels was asked to be the Verizon spokesman, because if they ask him “Can You Hear Me Now?” the answer is a resounding yes. If you can’t hear Cole Hamels, chances are you are already dead.
The Pat Burrell "Man or Machine" T-shirts were originally supposed to be "Man or Cole Hamels" T-shirts, but were changed because everyone knows that Cole Hamels would not pose shirtless, for fear of melting people's faces like the dudes in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
The rise in the number of SEPTA subway attacks directly coincided with the day Cole Hamels stopped taking the subway to work.
Cole Hamels bobblehead night has been sold out for so long, not even Jesus was able to get a ticket.
Cole Hamels was originally cast as one of the male leads in "Gossip Girl," but was quickly turned down because they didn't want the female characters dating someone who was so far out of their league.
Meeting Cole Hamels is the real reason Barack Obama came to Philadelphia.
Cole Hamels can order a cheesesteak at Geno's in any language he damn well pleases.
The Beatles broke up because Paul McCartney wasn’t allowed to name his song “ Hey Cole”.
Fergie's song "Clumsy" is about batters trying to hit Cole's change up.
The Devil went down to Georgia because he knew if he went to Philadelphia, Cole would strike his ass out.
The only thing smaller than Cole's era is the Mets' winning percentage in Philadelphia
The real Jamie Moyer died 5 years ago. The current Phillies pitcher going by that name is a corpse reanimated using a lock of Cole's hair.
Major League Baseball is considering Instant Replay only to admire Cole Hamels in slow motion.
When batters argue a called third strike from Cole Hamels, it is only to debate exactly how awesome the pitch was.
When you attempt to clock a Cole Hamels fastball, the Radar Gun says only: “WOW”.
Cole Hamels buried his jersey under the Mets' new dugout at Citi Field.
Hillary Clinton calls Cole Hamels at 3:00 am.
The real title for the late John Ritter's show was, "8 Simple Rules for Anyone Other than Cole Hamels Dating my Teenage Daughter."
As a rule, Cole Hamels will immediately get a haircut if even a single hair on his head falls out of place. To date, Cole has never had a haircut.
The only reason Darren Daulton thinks he has the ability to time travel is because Cole Hamels told him so.
Cole Hamels was the inspiration for the movie The Scout.
Hillary Clinton did not duck sniper fire in Bosnia… it was just a Cole Hamels fastball.
Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins used to be atheists; then they saw Cole's changeup.
Cole Hamels did so good in interleague play that they gave him the AL Cy Young Award at the end of August.
When Stephen Colbert was in Philly, he didn’t invite Cole Hamels onto the show because he knows that his “truthiness” was too much for him to grasp and would change Colbert Nation to Cole Nation overnight.
Cole Hamels is no longer a pronoun but a verb. Example: "That batter got Coled." or "That girl got Coled last night."
People think Cole Hamels if the only Phillie from another planet. Eric Bruntlett is, too. However, the similarities end there. Cole is from the planet that knows how to play baseball.
At the end of the HBO John Adams series, it is revealed that Cole Hamels united the states.
The Mythbusters would have asked Cole Hamels to be on their show, but everyone knows Cole isn't a myth, only the man and the legend.
If the Expos had drafted Cole Hamels, they'd still be playing in Montreal.
Cole Hamels was invited to Jimmy Rollins' annual bowling tournament for charity, but he declined. He only declined because he was too busy curing AIDS, ending world hunger, freeing Tibet, saving baby seals, and tap dancing for the elderly to attend.
The president is not worried about his approval rating. He knows his lasting legacy will be that he wiped out the national debt by selling his Cole Hamels rookie card.
Pope Benedict XVI held his mass at Yankee Stadium instead of Citizens Bank Park since he knew he wasn't worthy enough to hold a mass in a place where Cole Hamels pitches.
Roger Clemens' affair with Mindy McCready resulted in a love child. That child is now grown up; his name is Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can catch a ball with a visor.
In towns across Pennsylvania, there's a 98% chance you will find a shrine dedicated to Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels claims Tim Lincecum on his taxes.
The Mrs. Butterworth's bottle didn't talk until she saw Cole Hamels.
While you were reading this, Cole Hamels struck you out.
When Dante reached Paradise, he met Cole Hamels.
Cole, not Pete Best, was the original drummer for the Beatles. He left to allow John and Paul the spotlight.
Carlos Beltran was frozen with a 1-2 changeup by Hamels on June 6, 2007. Beltran is still standing in the batters box.
"Hamlet" was originally called "Hamels", but Shakespeare realized that a tragedy about Cole Hamels would be more of a farce so he changed the title.
Cole Hamels always picks the case with one million dollars in it. He then nails all fifty models.
Cole Hamels has over 100 cell phones to store all the phone numbers he knows.
Cole Hamels will win yet another award this year. He will edge out Boof Bonzer in the award for "Most Wins Ever by a Guy Named "Boof".
Tony Romo chokes because he knows that Cole is at home watching him on TV.
Cole Hamels is reported to have a part in the TV series "Heroes" next season. He will be playing himself in the show.
If Cole Hamels played center field he could make a running catch towards the wall, high-five a fan, eat his hot dog, drink his beer, steal his woman and STILL make the throw to home for the out.
The original design for the Iron Man suit was actually Cole Hamels, but enemies simply surrendered as soon as they saw it. They changed it so the movie would have more actio
Cole Hamels will pitch from the batters eye next season as part of an agreement to make batters less intimidated. Reports say there will obviously be little effect.
Cole Hamels is currently involved in a lawsuit against the makers of the MLB 2k8 video game for copyright infringment on his ridiculous curveball.
LOST was originally just a TV show based on major league hitters trying to figure out how to hit Cole Hamels.
Sorry Barack, the only CHANGE we can believe in is Cole's changeup.
Cole Hamels was actually the first person to land on the moon, not Neil Armstrong. He gave up space travel for baseball. No one has ever been back to the moon.
Brandon Webb will win the Cy Young award this year. Cole Hamels will win the Throne of God.
On the nights Cole pitches, ESPN has been having difficulties getting clips of all the night's games included in "Baseball Tonight." As a consequence, Phillies highlights will be removed, and the program will be followed up with a half-hour, commercial free program titled "Cole Hamels Tonight."
Cole Hamels doesn't know who Edinson Volquez is.
Cole Hamels once argued a strike with the home plate umpire. The Ump was so honored to be spoken to by Cole Hamels, he immediately handed the Phillies a victory by forfeit so he could call his friends.
Cole Hamels will fix the oil prices, by switching the world from crude oil to "Cole". All machinery will automatically begin to go faster, probably around 96 MPH.
The Department of Defense is considering the implementation of a new intercontinental ballistic missile shield. It consists of Cole Hamels sitting on Philadelphia high ground firing changeups at incoming rockets. In its early stages, they utilized Cole's fastball, but found that it tore holes in the ozone layer.
Cole Hamels named Adam Dunn the day he was born. With returned respect Adam Dunn takes the day off when facing Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels is like the sun, only brighter.
The Manayunk Wall fears Cole Hamels.
After an abysmal beginning of the 2008 season for Brett Myers and Adam Eaton, they were sneezed on by Cole Hamels. Brett took a no-hitter into the 7th in his next game, Eaton recorded a win in his next game.
We're not saying God can't hit a curveball, just that he can't hit a Cole Hamels curveball.
A Cole Hamels changeup has magical powers. It can change a 7 game division lead into another playoff-less season for New York's other baseball team.
Cole Hamels spent a day in hell, he struck out Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin, and Adolph Hitler to finish the complete game. Then he broke their hands while punching them each in the face.
Cole Hamels threw a fastball and taught Shane Victorino how to run, Cole Hamels through a changeup and taught Ryan Howard how to run. Pedro Martinez threw a fastball and spent the next month on the disabled list.
Cole Hamels bet on Da' Tara.
The real reason Paul Pierce came back onto the court in Game 1 of the NBA Finals is because his trainer said he thought he saw Cole Hamels in the crowd.
The Flyers lost to the Penguins because Cole Hamels threatened to plunk each one of them with fastballs if they dared to win a championship before him.
Cole Hamels doesn't give up earned runs. Runs must earn Cole Hamels.
The last day of Cole Hamels's baseball career is the real end of the Mayan Calendar, not 12/21/12.
The real reason Big Brown's hoof was cracked was because it was hit by a Cole Hamels fastball.
When the Phillies hit a homerun, Cole Hamels recieves a curtain call.
Cole Hamels can only count to 27.
Cole Hamels always hits at least four home runs in every start... even in an AL ballpark.
Tiger Woods injured his knee after the US Open to avoid having to face Cole Hamels in the Pro/Am.
Willie Randolph didn't really get fired. He asked Omar Minaya to let him go because he didn't want to see his team face Cole Hamels over July 4th.
Cole Hamels said he wants to go back to the time of Alexander the Great to conquer him.
The reason Ted Williams wanted to have his body frozen was so he would be able to live through the Cole Hamels era.
Cole Hamels does not throw a fastball. He throws a 78 mph change-up, and a 93 mph change-up.
Ed Wade holds Cole Hamels's mirror for him.
The Astros released Shawn Chacon not because he choked out Ed Wade, but because he choked out the guy who brought Cole Hamels to Philadelphia.
W.B. Mason goes to Cole Hamels for all his office supply needs.
Barry Bonds could have signed a contract to play this year, but his agent said it would either be with the Mets or Braves. Upon realizing he would be facing Cole Hamels 3 or 4 times a year, he decided to stay out of baseball.
Cole Hamels sent Brett Myers to the minor leagues. It being the first step in his master plan of a 1 man rotation.
The song "Cliffs of Dover" by Eric Johnson is actually the audio recording of a Cole Hamels fastball, extremely slowed down.
The NY Giants only won the Superbowl because Tom Coughlin put Cole in for Eli Manning in the fourth quarter, and he's such a nice guy, he let Eli take all the credit.
Cole Hamels once struck a batter out on one pitch. Cole threw his changeup, and the batter tried three times in vain to hit it. Disgusted, he demoted himself to AAA so he could bat against Brett Myers.
Cole Hamels will give you up, let you down, run around, and desert you. He will make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie, and hurt you. But you will never be happier, because you have heard the voice of Cole.
Curt Hennig was never truly happy in the WWF, since Vince McMahon wouldn't let him use the name Mr. Hamels.
The Phillies were considering trading all of their other pitchers, but nobody would take them because they didn't wan't Cole Hamels to pitch every day.
Cole Hamels was left off the All Star team in preparation for next year's game: Cole Hamels vs. The World.
Cole Hamels will not be on the 2008 All Star team because he would beat both the AL and NL teams, and his wife would be upset if he hosted the World Series at his house.
Cole Hamels told Brett Favre to come back from retirement.
Cole Hamels was drafted 1st overall in my fantasy football league. His dog, Royce, went second.
Cole Hamels will single-handedly cause the Green Bay Packers to go 0-16, not because he doesn't like the team, but because the Packers don't want Favre to come back and to play for him. Cole will do this while pitching everyday for the Phillies, and will guide them to a sweep of all three rounds of the playoffs, including the World Series. Meanwhile, Favre will play football for the Eagles, and they will go 19-0.
Major League Baseball barred Cole Hamels from pitching in the 2008 All Star Game because they didn't want to change Yankee Stadium's nickname to "The House that Cole Destroyed with a Fastball".
I invested in a 401k plan because I thought I was investing in Cole Hamels’s strikeout totals, and I would be rich.
Cole Hamels is making his own hybrid car that runs on his fastball and his discarded cut toenails. It’s the fastest most efficient car ever made.
Chase Utley was heard saying during the introductions at the HR Derby, "BOO ? F*&# You." He actually said, "NO COLE ? F&*# You."
Bud Selig wanted Cole off the N.L. All Star team because he didn't want the All Star Game to be another embarrasment for him while Cole struck out 20 A.L. hitters in 7 innings work.
Dozens of legendary players attended Yankee Stadium for the All Star Game not to pay homage to the final year of the ballpark but to pay homage to Cole Hamels, the greatest pitcher that they were lucky enough to never have to face.
At malls and shopping centers all across the world, people wait in line for iPhones. The lines would go much quicker if not for the incredible number of people assuming that they were waiting to meet Cole Hamels.
Jason Taylor wanted to be traded to the Redskins so he could go to Phillies games to watch his idol, Cole Hamels.
Many people on this website compare Cole Hamels to God. This is extremely ignorant......because it makes Cole look bad.
The National League All Star team roster featured Cole Hamels. He was pitching right-handed and went under his alias of Tim Lincecum. Afraid of people finding this fact out, he called in sick and told Aaron Cook to use his Cole-like powers to get out of the jam in extra innings and to let Dan Uggla live after making 3 errors during the game.
Cole Hamels's curveball isn't any kind of curve at all; it's actually not even a breaking ball. He throws his fastball and as it travels around the world each time it's pulled down by gravity about an inch each time, which is usually about 6-10 times.
Jon Lester is actually Cole Hamels when he gets drunk and gets on the wrong team flight. Theo Epstein sneaks into the Phillies clubhouse on Cole's days off and feeds him tequila, but we all know alcohol has no effect on Cole; he just goes with Theo because the Phillies won't let him pitch four times a week.
When Cole Hamels orders from Domino's, it's free no matter how long he waits.
ESPN is getting all of the Favre talk out of the way early today. At 1:05, all anyone will be able to think about is Cole.
The Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games were spectacular and one of the most-watched ever, yet many people turned them off when they learned that Cole Hamels was on another channel.
Cole Hamels's middle initial is a backwards K.
Instead of being imploded, the Spectrum will come tumbling down after being hit with a fastball from Cole Hamels.
The reason ECW is no longer performed in Philly is because guys like Sandman and Rob Van Dam didn’t want Cole Hamels running in and kicking their ass mid-show.
Jobu would never steal Cole Hamels’s rum.
Enrico Pallazzo takes weekly singing lessons from Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can drive a Zamboni 99 m.p.h.
The conflict between Georgia and Russia was actually caused by Georgia claiming it has a Cole Hamels rookie card. Putin didn’t take this news lightly and is trying to obtain this by force.
Cole Hamels won the Gold Medal for Best Overall Human Being at the Beijing Olympics.
Yang Peiyi's family shoud be ashamed of themselves for claiming that she, not Cole Hamels, sang Ode to the Motherland at the Beijing Olympics.
Michael Phelps sent Cole Hamels a thank you card for teaching him how to swim.
The only reason Michael Phelps was able to win 8 gold medals at the Olympics is because water is afraid of Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels composed the music to "Rocky" in his sleep.
When Cole was in the minors he scouted himself.
Brett Favre Was Traded to the Packers so he could see Cole dominate the Mets more often.
At the rate Cole pitches Harry Kalas can broadcast games fully.
Folgers was wrong: The best part of waking up, is a Cole Hamels's changeup.
There's no crying in baseball, unless Cole Hamels is pitching and you're a Met.
If Cole Hamels was on the ballot, Florida would have done it right ....and unanimously.
J.R. wasn't shot, he was crowding the plate.
Cole Cola would sell better.
As part of a new marketing campaign, during all innings that Cole Hamels is pitching, the outfielders will play heads down, thumbs up with children under 7... and Ryan Howard.
It is a known fact that the power outage at Coors Field during the Division Series playoff games was caused by an electro-magnetic pulse produced when Cole Hamels was tossing warm-ups in the bullpen.
When Cole Hamels goes out to a bar, the bartenders leave him a tip.
The chant of "Drill, baby, drill!" wasn't about drilling for oil, but rather the GOP demanding that Cole Hamels bean that big baby Jose Reyes.
When God created all the animals for Adam and Eve, he created an animal named a leach mole. However, the reason no one has ever seen one before is because once Cole Hamels learned that they had the same letters in their name as his, he killed them all with his deadly changeup.
Cole Hamels used to be a football player, but was banned for life for being too rough. It turns out every time he tackled someone, he broke their arms and legs. He then turned to baseball because the object is not to make contact, but to make the batter miss contact all together. Cole mastered this skill, and has yet to have his changeup hit by a batter.
The saying "It's like taking candy from a baby," orginated from Cole Hamels. However Cole is such a nice guy, he gives the candy back, unless it's the kid of a New York Met.
When Cole Hamels plays poker he never loses, because when he gets a bad hand he bets his left arm, and out of fear the opponents fold.
The reason Ryan Howard strikes out so much is because Cole's change up is so devastating it actually strikes out Phillies hitters. Other pitchers don't strike out Phillies batters, Cole Hamels strikes out Phillies batters....not on purpose of course, he's just that good.
When Cole gets bored, he pitches with his glove.
Before every wrestling match, Hulk Hogan trains, says his prayers, eats his vitamins and wishes he was Cole Hamels.
The real reason K-Rod celebrates after every save is that he is thanking God he doesn't have to hit against Cole Hamels.
When Cole Hamels goes to church to receive communion, the priest doesn't offer him bread. He receives Big-League Chew.
Cole Hamels plays solitaire with two people. He just can't do anything in life without beating someone.
When God said, "Let there be light!", Cole Hamels said, "Say 'please'."
Everytime Cole Hamels gets a strike in bowling, an X does not appear, only a K.
When Saddam Hussein was killed, the U.S. government used "the hanging" as a cover up. In reality, they had Cole Hamels throw a fastball at him but the impact was so hard it cause Saddam to explode on contact.
Cole Hamels was the original starting quarterback for '72 Dolphins, but was cut due to the fact everytime he threw the ball to a player they would be knock unconscious because of the velocity of the ball.
While in college Cole Hamels's professor made him write a 1000 word essay about the greatest leader in american history, he wrote COLE HAMELS five hundred times and managed to get and A++.
Former Brewers manager Ned Yost was not fired by his GM, Doug Melvin; he resigned rather than risking having to face Cole Hamels again in the playoffs..
Cole Hamels doesn't lift weights like most people; thats because he can't. They just don't make weight heavy enough to contain the guns of Cole Hamels. So instead of curling dumbells, Cole Hamels curls baby elephants.
Whenever Cole pitches, his hit batsmen are signed, numbered, and tagged with official MLB hologram stickers for sale to collectors at auction.
Rome wasn't built in a day, but Cole Hamels could destroy it with one fastball.
The New England Patriots contacted Cole Hamels about being Tom Brady's replacement, but during his tryout Cole broke both of Randy Moss' hands with his amazing arm.
The real reason instant replay was put into the MLB is to see if Cole Hamels's fastballs are balls or strikes. Even the home plate umpire cannot monitor them with his naked eye.
The Yankees celebrated their last game at Yankess Stadium not for all the great memories, but for the fact they would never have to face Cole Hamels at the "House that Ruth Built" ever again.
Britney Spears has lost weight and has begun to turn her life around. This is because of imspitarion by having a life size carboard cut-out of Cole Hamels in her room to wake up to everyday.
Ed Hochuli blew the call in Denver and screwed over the Chargers by blowing his whistle too early. He did this because he though he saw Cole Hamels in the stands and wanted his attention.
Cole Hamels can beat up both Kimbo Slice and Brock Lesnar at the same time, using only one arm and one leg.
Soon after hearing that most of its employees were Mets fans, Cole Hamels put Lehman Brothers out of business.
Cole Hamels was supposed to be Sarah Palin on the SNL skit but Tina Fey got the role because Cole refuses to wear glasses.
The Mets, now strapped for cCole Hamels has no political affiliation. Beginning in 2012, the United States will have two new political parties, Cole Hamels and Not-Cole-Hamels. If the Gallup Polls are correct, it would be the first time in US History that one political party holds all positions in the executive, judicial, and legislative branches.ash, will cancel the demolition of Shea Stadium by a construction company, and instead will invite Cole Hamels to destroy the stadium with a single fastball. Mets pitchers will be invited to watch- from inside the stadium.
The reason Cole Hamels number is 35 is because MLB wouldn't allow Cole to put "Mets suck" on the back of his jersey.
The $700 billion bailout plan was not passed because Congress knew the Phillies would need this money to resign Cole Hamels next year. That vote passed unanimously.
Michael Richards from the Flyers dedicates his entire life to Cole Hamels. He is thankful Cole decided to adopt him when he was younger and show him how to play hockey. Cole still triple dekes him whenever he gets the chance.
Gatorade employees wanted to rename Gatorade, "Hamelserade". It is still an option to their top execs, but they haven’t decided if they want to make millions with it yet.
There is no Zuul, only Cole Hamels.
Unlike Pacman Jones, Cole Hamels literally made it rain during game one of the NLDS with his performance.
Cole Hamels eats more than Prince Fielder and CC Sabathia combined. His fastballs simply consume 1000 calories per throw.
The Dodgers have reportedly asked Manny Ramirez to retire, rather than face the embarrassment that awaits him at the hands of Cole Hamels in the NLCS. Manny is considering his options.
Joe Torre has asked Major League Baseball if the Dodgers can be allowed to have an automatic 3-0 NLCS lead, to give the Dodgers a fighting chance to win against Cole Hamels and the Phighting Phils.
Cole told Tim McCarver to say those things about Manny Ramirez.
Cole Hamels makes Derek Lowe look like Burt Hooton.
When asked about Black Friday (game 2 of the 1977 NLCS between the Phillies and the Dodgers), Cole Hamels said "I wasn't born yet". If he had been, the Schmidt/Bowa/Lopes play would have been inconsequential.
When filling out a job application in South Eastern Pennsylvania, you have three options: Male, Female, and Cole Hamels.
A squared + B squared = Cole Hamels.
Bull's BBQ cooks their delicatable ribs using power harnessed from a Cole Hamels fastball.
To save the country from financial crisis, whenever the DOW shows a downward trend Cole will throw a fastball. The DOW will immediately rise to its highest average ever. To commemorate Cole, the New York Stock Exchange will be renamed the Cole Hamels Stock Exchange.
The Phillies-Dodgers confrontation started when Shane Victorino heard Hiroki Kuroda say Cole Hamels isn't handsome.
Manny Ramirez wears a wig made out of Cole's hair. Therefore, all those lame Dodgers fans wearing those ridiculous fake dreadlocks are indirectly paying tribute to Cole.
Inspired by seeing Cole Hamels take batting practice, Matt Stairs changed his swing and now "tr[ies] to hit home runs and that's it".
Rick Ankiel lost his ability to throw strikes because he had a nightmare about Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels made a booby trap that finally killed Indiana Jones.
Cole Hamels ruled Middle Earth with a ring he forged using the heat from his own fastball.
Cole Hamels single-handedly beat Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed in a 2 on 1 boxing match with one total punch.
When God turned the water into blood He used the blood of Cole Hamels's strike out victims.
When clocking a Cole Hamels fastball, the radar gun exploded, killing its operator for trying to gauge such perfection.
I went 50-0 on Call of Duty 4 using the Cole Hamels perk.
Vegetarians don't eat meat because it is not certified by Cole Hamels.
When they named Cole Hamels MVP of the NLCS, he was also named MVP of the World Series before the games even happened.
Cole Hamels struck out BJ Upton, Carlos Pena, and Evan Longoria to strike out the side, then had sex with Eva Longoria before returning to the dugout. Tony Parker wasn't upset at all.
Barack Obama asked Cole Hamels to be his running mate, but Cole turned it down because he hadn't yet finished winning a World Series.
Due to Cole Hamels MVP status, Major League Baseball has decided to replace the phrase "strike" to "Hamels".
When Matt Stairs was talking about getting his ass hammered, he meant by Cole Hamels because all men aspire to be Cole Hamels's bitch.
It is no longer called the NLCS. Now it's just simply known as the COLE.
After the Last Supper, Judas betrayed Cole Hamels.
Chad Billingsly is going to name his son Cole Hamels. He won't suck as much.
The aliens have landed and are demanding to be taken to our Cole Hamels.
In honor of Cole Hamels, the national speed limit will be changed to 35.
When St Peter dies, Cole Hamels will judge him and his ability to hit an 0-2 changeup.
Cole Hamels won the final presidential debate while winning the deciding game five of the NLCS.
When people consult Cole Hamels on things, he always says yes, and it's always good advice.
Darwin's Theory says, "Survival of the fittest." Cole Hamels's Theory says, "The Mets will lose to Cole Hamels."
Gotham has Batman and Robin. Philadelphia has Cole Hamels and Cole Hamels.
Life is like a box of chocolate, yet Cole Hamels isn't.
Boston lost the last game of the ALCS on purpose. Manny Ramirez called his old team and warned them about Cole Hamels making them look pathetic in front of a national audience.
Joe the Plumber is voting for Cole Hamels. He is the most brilliant plumber in the world.
David Price has been asked if he can be sent to the minors, rather than try to throw as hard as Cole Hamels and make a fool of himself in front of an international audience. Fellow teammates are said to be making the same request, including Joe Maddon.
After the Rays beat the Red Sox on Sunday night, Manager Joe Maddon immediately called the Phillies to congratulate them on their World Series championship. Cole Hamels answered the phone and asked “What took you so long?”, and threw a fastball through the phone that struck Tim McCarver in the head by pure accident. He immediately became a good commentator.
Cole Hamels is the only person who is legally allowed to hunt any animal from a helicopter. He just throws fastballs at them, and occasionally at Sarah Palin to make sure she understands the “law”.
Cole Hamels's presidential slogan: "A changeup you can believe in."
Though he's only 24, Cole Hamels can run for President because his jersey number is 35.
Barack Obama is not running against John McCain, the 'Red' States are for Cole Hamels.
Depends received a bulk order Monday morning from the Tampa Bay area for 4 undergarments per Rays player (and 2 per Rays season ticket holder). The special text on the order reads 'Hamels'.
The Rays put a roof on the 'Trop so God didn't get jealous when he looked down upon Cole pitching.
At the end of Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson whispers to Bill Murray, “I love Cole Hamels.”
Instead of JIF, choosy moms choose Cole Hamels.
General Zod kneels before Cole Hamels... mainly because of his knee-buckling changeup.
If Cole Hamels faced the Rays in the World Series three years earlier, Steve Irwin would still be alive.
Cole Hamels can always save the world, but only with four days of rest.
The character Squints in The Sandlot is loosely based on Cole Hamels as a child. Except Cole could swim, outsmarted the Beast and got Wendy Peffercorn pregnant by simply making eye contact. She would eventually give birth to Tim Lincecum, Ryan Braun and every other player who made an appearance in the 2008 All Star Game giving even more evidence to the theory Cole Hamels is indeed the father of baseball, not Abner Doubleday.
Cliff Floyd is out for the rest of the 2008 World Series because he couldn't come to terms with the fact he would have to face Cole Hamels again.
Cole Hamels doesn't need to wipe after he poops, the poop knows not to leave anything behind.
On days when Cole Hamels pitches, it has become common practice for the opposing manager to hand in his line-up card with the letters "R.I.P" after the name of each of his players.
Cole Hamels has his own Periodic Table of Elements. This consists of 1F (fastball), 2Cv (curveball), 3Cg (changeup) and 4Fu (brushback). Exposure to 4Fu is guaranteed instant death.
For a person to be canonized for sainthood by the Catholic church, proof of at least one miracle needs to be established. Of all the miracles recognized, it can be said that no saint has ever gotten as much as a foul-tip off of a Cole Hamels pitch - and it may never be achieved.
The application of mental or physical torture in order to obtain information or confession from a prisoner is commonly referred to as the "third degree". The only confirmed act that guarantees 100% success in securing information is showing the prisoner a life-size cutout of Cole Hamels holding a baseball, from 60'6" away.
Cole Hamels owns the copyright that keeps any super-hero from wearing red pinstripes.
While scores of people train to compete in the grueling 8-hour Ironman Triathlon (2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike race, and 26.2- mile run in succession), none are willing to take on the rigors of a 10-second Cole Hamels Triathlon, which consists of trying to hit his fastball, curve and changeup in succession. That course is simply impossible to complete.
In a little-known publicity stunt after the Beijing Olympics, Michael Phelps stated nobody or nothing could outrace him in a swimming pool. Cole Hamels took that challenge - wearing a weighted diving suit, Cole chained himself 10-feet deep underwater at one end of a 60-meter pool, spotted Phelps a 50-meter lead, then threw a wiffle ball to the end-wall, beating Phelps by 6 meters. To give Phelps a fighting chance, Cole threw a changeup.
Cole Hamels allowed Jason Bartlett to steal a base during Game 1 to begin his world wide campaign against hunger.
Cole Hamels had a one night stand with Mother Nature and never called again. She got back at him by postponing Game 5.
The star of Bethlehem was actually a Cole Hamels pitch reentering the Earth's atmosphere. Further proof that it takes a minimum of three wise men to figure out Cole's changeup.
Cole Hamels didn't need Champagne bottles to celebrate the World Series victory, his body already secretes it.
Cole Hamels is so great that he won World Series MVP at the age of 24. No, really, he did...
Next year on Yom Kippur, Jews will recite Cole Nidre.
Cole Hamels has requested that the city of Philadelphia have a parade for him every year. When hearing the news that the Phillies have to win the World Series each year, Cole responded, “This won’t be a problem.”
Cole Hamels threaten to hit any producer that censored Chase Utley's speech at the parade. One producer stated "He would rather pay the fine then get hit by a Cole MVP Hamels fastball".
Cole Hamels wants to end his career with 300 wins- 300 World Series wins.
Philadelphia didn't hold a parade for the Phillies, Cole Hamels held a parade for his fans.
Denny's is renaming their breakfast sandwich to "Moons over my Hamels".
The mini-statue of William Penn atop the Comcast building is being replaced with a Cole Hamels bobblehead.
In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." Why? He wanted a better look at Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels could sleep with Harry Kalas, and it wouldn't be considered gay at all.
When Cole Hamels pees directly into the wind, instead of the pee coming back and hitting him it sprays the entire New York Mets team, regardless of where they are in the world
As is the custom in Major League Baseball, the World Series MVP wins possession of Ted Williams' frozen head for one calendar year. Cole Hamels will now have permanent possession of it as he has brought the head back to life and has it answering the phone at his home.
The real reason the final episode of The Sopranos cut to black? Because it was Cole Hamels who walked into the diner and the camera crew all shut their cameras off to go and meet him.
Scientists recently announced that the fossil fuel coal will now be renamed "Cole," as it has become the greatest, never-ending source of energy known to mankind. The chemical formula for Cole is IP9H0K27BB0
Cole Hamels also carries a gun with him when he walks into NYC clubs wearing sweatpants- a radar gun.
Cole Hamels has always known there were ties in the NFL
When Mike Singletary pulled his pants down in front of his 49er roster recently, he asked them "Now who has a nicer ass – me or Cole Hamels”?
King Cole allows batters four strikes and three balls, for he is a generous king.
After striking out looking against Cole Hamels in the NLCS, Jeff Kent only had one option left, retire.
Since the last three letters of Cole's name are "Ole'", batters are now painting their bats red and jumping out of the way as his fastball flies by.
Barack Obama is only President because Cole Hamels was too busy winning the World Series to campaign.
Because of their effect on women, Cole Hamels's pitching reels are considered pornography in 35 countries.
Don't blame "maple" for the rash of broken bats. Cole Hamels is blowing them up with his mind!
Cole Hamels can read Lady Gaga's poker face.
Cole Hamels once scaled to the top of Mt. Everest, and then skied down on skis he made from trees, and while on his way down saved 35 people from an avalanche.
DNA tests will conclusively prove that Jamie Moyer is Cole Hamels's great-great grandfather.
Cole Hamels was originally cast to play Zack Addy on "Bones" but Emily Deschanel complained that she would look ugly next to Cole.
After talking with Cole, the Octo-Mom decided to be normal.
Cole Hamels is "Darth Vader in spikes".
The only reason Cole Hamels gave up so many runs in Colorado is that he has to pretend to be a mere mortal capable of mistakes, or Bud Selig will ban him from Major League Baseball. Plus Cole's supposed to suffer on Good Friday anyway.
The United States economy is not in recession. It just stepped out of the batter's box, rather than face another Cole Hamels changeup.
Harry Kalas once said Cole Hamels can bring the heat. It proves the fact that it takes a legend to know a legend.
Cole Hamels and Shane Victorino walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded because the amount of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Cole Hamels heard Tom McCarthy refer to Elijah Dukes' recent home run as being hit to "Mike Piazza Territory". Cole paid a visit to the broadcast booth after the game, and Tom is no longer capable of saying "Piazza".
Though he has yet to play there, the pitcher's mound at Citi Field is known around the league as "Cole Hamels Territory".
Cole Hamels eradicated the swine flu with a 3-2 fastball on the inside corner .
While reading this website, one's intellectual capabilities are increased due to Cole Hamels's extrahuman sense of knowing who is praising him. He makes sure that even though people are not paying attention in school or work to read this website, they still do well.
Had Cole Hamels thrown his shoes at President George W. Bush at the MidEast press conference, he would have scored two head-shots. This means Barack Obama would have been succeeding Dick Cheyney as U.S. president.
Cole Hamels doesn't have to turn his swag on like Soulja Boy; it has been on since birth.
Cole Hamels can kill two birds with one changeup.
To stay sharp during their long lay off in between series, the Cavs played a game versus Cole Hamels. Let's just say Lebron wasn't the MVP of that game.
Zach Greinke joined Cole Hamels for off-season training.
"The One Thing" Glenn Beck bows down to is Cole Hamels.
The Disney family takes vacations to Cole Hamels's house.
Cole Hamels could throw one-pitch strikeouts, but knows the rule book calls for three, and so keeps it fair.
Per special modifications in the MLB Joint Drug Agreement, Cole Hamels is not allowed to drink Gatorade.
Cole Hamels respects Chuck Norris, but thinks he isn't trying hard enough.
Cole Hamels once pitched a perfect game on the Moon, but he missed playing in front of fans.
Though Cole Hamels has never pitched in New Yankee Stadium, he has a 2-0 record there.
Milton Bradley threw the ball into the Wrigley Field stands because he heard a rumor Cole Hamels was sitting there, and he wanted his autograph.
The reason Keith Hernandez ended up playing Elaine's boyfriend on "Seinfeld" was because she wasn't good enough for an eight-year old Cole Hamels.
Cole and Heidi wanted to adopt an Ethiopian baby. Every man, woman, and child on the African continent volunteered.
Finally, the truth can be told: Cole Hamels wrote "Billie Jean".
Cole Hamels saw Jonathan Sanchez's no-hitter. His official comment- "Meh."
Apparently the footage of the moon landing wasn't lost, it was simply replaced with something a little more important: Cole Hamels's first T-Ball game.
Cole Hamels will perfect telepathy by next June. All who doubt Cole Hamels shall become lifelong Washington Nationals fans.
Cole's so badass he doesn't throw strikes--he just tells batters they're out.
When Cole Hamels walks onto the field, Jose Reyes and David Wright take off their underwear and use it as white flags on the ends of their bats.
Cole Hamels would like to donate blood, but the MLB has declared it a banned substance and would ban anyone with a 1st offense 50 game suspension for testing positive for blood type CH Positive.
Cole Hamels could split an atom with his fastball and put it back together with his changeup.
When Cole Hamels decides it's time to retire, the MLB will hold a memorial at the Staples Center.
Cole Hamels got a hole in one a par 5 and said, "This is too easy- I'm sticking with baseball."
Cole Hamels shot himself in the leg with a gun, then stitched it up himself, and proceded to call Plaxico Burress a wuss.
Cole Hamels doesn't go to Pat's, Geno's, or Steve's steaks. They come to him.
Cliff Lee officially has Cole's attention.
Jon and Kate really broke up because Cole Hamels said the show sucked.
Tim Lincecum refuses to get a haircut until he gets Cole Hamels's autograph.
Instead of seeing a bright light before you die, you see a Cole Hamels changeup.
The majority of the Mets lineup injured themselves just thinking about having to face Cole again.
The main reason Pedro Martinez signed with the Phillies is so he'll never have to lose to Cole Hamels.
Cole could wear all of six of the Steelers' rings on one hand. Good thing, too, since he'll have six of his own in a few years.
Cole's Maltese could kick Mike Vick's ass.
To keep things interesting, Cole starts every inning with the bases loaded and a 3-0 count.
The only thing that can escape a black hole is a Cole Hamels fastball.
Though he has been with the team all year, Cole Hamels is the most important September callup.
Cole Hamels is the greatest living Kennedy.
The reason the Phillies didn't trade for Roy Hallady was because J.P. Ricciardi's asking price was to high. His asking price: a lock of Cole Hamels's hair.
Before signing Michael Vick the Eagles tried to sign Cole Hamels. As soon as McNabb saw Cole throw one pass and realized that Cole would take his starting job, he made Andy Reid take Cole off the field because he was ruining the "team chemistry".
Kanye West apologized to Taylor Swift for not being Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels can read Chris Wheeler's book while hurling a perfect game with his eyes closed. He doesn't want to, but he can.
Letterman had to scramble to get President Obama as a guest when Cole Hamels cancelled.
Neil Armstrong really said, "One small small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, but just another moonwalk for Cole Hamels."
Motel 6 leaves the light on for you, and only because Cole pays the electric bill.
This year, Cole will become the first person to pitch in a playoff game and deliver his own child all in the course of a few days. The most impressive part of this? He won't even leave the ballpark, and the kid will come in to get the last out of the game.
The real reason Chicago wasn't chosen to host the Olympics is that Cole has never been to Rio.
When Cole said he wanted to have a parade down Broad Street year after year after year, he wasn't kidding.
Cole Hamels means "Champion" in Pig Latin.
Cole's comments on the start times of the NLDS games wasn't whining , it was a warning.
Now that Cliff Lee has become the first Phillies pitcher to steal a base in the playoffs, Cole will become the first Phillies pitcher to steal the rest of the bases.
Bahaha Mets!
Much like Tim McCarver, Cole Hamels will soon been releasing a CD. However, because he's so freaking great, it's just going to be 74 minutes of Harry Kalas singing "High Hopes".
Cole Hamels left game 2 of the NLDS to deliver his first baby boy. Before a name was announced, Charlie Manuel named the newborn as his game 3 starter.
The Nobel Foundation had to rush to find an alternate when Cole Hamels declined this year's Nobel Peace Prize.
Cole Hamels single-handedly built a helium balloon and flew 8,000 feet over Colorado taunting the Rockies before touching down safely in LA.
Cole Hamels made sure that Manny Ramirez's shower during game 4 ran cold.
Cole's bangs can throw harder than Jonathan Broxton.
Cole is so busy with his new baby that he doesn't have time to check up on the umpires. That's the reason so many calls are being blown during this year's playoffs.
The Yankees have offered a 150 million 2 week contract to the Phillies, basically asking them to bench Cole Hamels for the World Series. The Phillies declined, stating they won’t allow the Yankees to buy their way to any more titles.
Alex Rodriguez has asked that his name be changed to K-Rod, because Ks is all he will be getting when he faces Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels eats Big Apples for a midnight snack.
Kate Hudson has asked the Phillies if she can date Cole Hamels during the World Series. She wants to know what it feels like to date a real post season hero. Cole Hamels declined, stating she hasn’t made a real movie since Almost Famous.
Cole dared Cliff Lee to catch a popup one-handed. Cliff Lee knows what's good for him, so he did it.

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