New Warning Labels

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact Antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion WILL result.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufactures, with a force proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of 500,000,000 miles per hour.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small, but non zero, chance that, through a process known as "Tunneling" this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe. The manufacturer will not be responsible for damage or inconvenience that may result.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can not, therefore, be permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (Electrons, Protons, Neutrons etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufactures, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO THE PURCHASER: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

( Taken from "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" Vol. 36 Jan/Feb 1991 pp. 21 - 26 via "IEEE Spectrum" Aug 1993.)

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