A GUIDE TO BIG-TIME TV (from the sales perspective)

SWITCHER-
Piece of equipment on which all of the video sources are laid out in random order.  Remember, when in doubt - take black.

VIDEO-
Pictures. Without these, big time TV would be big time radio.

AUDIO-
Never mind.  No one cares about this.

DIRECTOR-
Someone who can count backwards with authority and probably owns a stopwatch.

PRODUCER-
Someone who owns a digital stopwatch.

ARTIST-
What the director thinks he is.

SCHMUCK-
What everyone else thinks the director is.

CHYRON-
Bastard child of Ms. PacMan, which puts letters and numbers on the screen.  Also useful for doubling the effectiveness of the 40 seconds the weatherman has on the air.

EDITOR-
Someone who can make the most amount of words match up with the least amount of video in the shortest possible amount of time.

NEWS-
An illusion created by two people talking fast for 45 seconds.

ENGINEER-
Not much is known about these, since there are so few in captivity.  They work Monday through Friday from 9 to 5, and are not home on weekends.  They also become invisible when called.

"SCOPE"-
A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers.

TRANSMITTER-
A big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters.  Standing too close to one for more than an hour will cause your brain to malfunction.  Standing too close to one for more than two hours will turn you into an engineer.

TALENT-
What everyone has, except you.

CAMERA-
A device used to take pictures.  The pointed end goes toward the scene you want to photograph.

MICROPHONE-
Makes audio insignificant.

VIDEOTAPE-
Black stuff that works like film, except you can't see through it.  Invented in the 50's to give engineers something to do.

CREW-
1)    Type of haircut favored by engineers.
2)    A collective name for the group of people who cover up for the director.

COMMERCIALS-
What the station is on the air to broadcast.

PROGRAMMING-
Material to fill the time between the commercials.

"THE GOOD OLD DAYS"-
A block of time that ended about a week before you started in this business.

SCHEDULE-
A system designed to maximize your enjoyment of big time TV by having you spend most of your time there.