LONG JOHN SILVER INSURANCE COMPANY
MEMORANDUM
25 July 1997
To: All Salaried Staff
From: The Board of Directors
Re: Retirement Policy for 1998
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for Departmental Areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be invited to take early retirement, this permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the Company. Provided they are being RAPED the employee can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may then file an appeal with the upper management. This will be known as SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees can be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but be shafted as many times as the Company deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Company.
The Board wishes to assure younger employees who remain in the Company that they will continue to be well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The Company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our younger employees receive. We have given our younger employees more SHIT than any other Company in the US. If any employee feels the he or she does not receive enough SHIT as part of their job, see your supervisor as soon as possible. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can take.
D J Thanksamillion
Pres. Board of Directors