“From carbo‑loading to death, here’s all a runner should know.”

 

That’s the title of an article written over 20 years ago by Kevin Cowherd, a Baltimore Sun newspaper columnist. I enjoyed it so much, I clipped and saved it. I have posted it on these forums previously, but not in the last couple of years. Before posting it the first time in 1997, I spoke with Mr. Cowherd to make sure it was OK. In the article, Kevin mentions the old Maryland Marathon, which is long defunct. But it is just as applicable today concerning any marathon. I thought some of you might appreciate his “advice”. So, here it is:

 

It was the economist John Maynard Keynes who once observed: “In the long run, we are all dead.” Historians are now fairly certain he was referring to the marathon.  Mrs.Keynes indicated he was. That’s good enough for me.

 

This all comes to mind because August is a critical time for distance runners in these parts. August is the month that training for the Maryland Marathon shifts into high gear.

 

Like Keynes, I myself do not advocate marathon running. One of our great presidents, I forget which one, once said: “I do not choose to run.” But he was probably 30 pounds overweight and a three‑pack‑a‑day man. My feelings toward the marathon reflect a more contemporary outlook: “I do not choose to run ‑ that far.”

 

Not if you can get there by Amtrak, anyway.

 

Nevertheless, thousands of area runners do not share this enlightened attitude and are busily training for the Maryland Marathon. Hundreds more will be running their first marathon ever. This column is for them, the poor devils. Here’s everything the first‑time marathoner will ever need to know.

 

Equipment ‑ To run a marathon, you need the following: shoes, shorts, socks, shirt, watch, compass, Sony Walkman, sunglasses, canteen, 15‑piece Swiss knife, matches, a pup tent (for those anticipating a time of 10 hours or more) and a Winnebago (24 hours or more). (Jim2 note: For you youngsters, Sony Walkman = iPOD today.)

 

Shoes are the most important item. Avoid the following: golf shoes, wooden Dutch shoes, work boots with steel toes and snowshoes. I recommend the new Nike XL‑1500 “Bruisers.” The cost is about $12,000.  They can be purchased through the Libyan government.

 

Food ‑ At one time, it was thought the distance runner could survive on a steady diet of yogurt and nuts. This has been proven false. Marathoners, like the rest of us, need a varied diet. Or at least enough of the basic food groups to keep a small sparrow alive.

 

Which brings us to the subject of carbo‑loading. Carbo‑loading is the process whereby the body girds for the grueling 26.2‑mile odyssey ahead of it. To carbo‑load properly the night before the race, I recommend: six Whoppers with cheese, a full spaghetti dinner, 12 packs of Twinkies and a modest yet full‑bodied beaujolais.

 

Training ‑ Veteran marathoners stress the importance of easing into a training program. Don’t overdo it. Use your head, they say. Well, if you used your head, you wouldn’t be running 26.2 miles in the first place. Nevertheless, here’s a sensible training schedule to follow:

 

Monday: Run two miles.

Tuesday: Jog one mile. Review videotape of Monday’s run.

Wednesday: Day off.

Thursday: Run two miles.  Unless you have errands to do.  In which case, take the day off.

Friday: Run two miles (lightly).

Weekend: Saturday and Sunday off.

 

Following this schedule, you should be ready for the marathon in approximately 14 years.

 

Injuries ‑ Injuries are part of distance running. They cannot be avoided. However, they can be minimized.

 

Some of the most common running injuries are: blisters the size of filing cabinets, bunions as painful as an appendectomy, strained ligaments, torn tendons and death. Studies show death is most likely to occur when running along a busy highway at night, clad in a Navy blue sweatsuit and challenging a four‑door Buick.

 

To avoid injuries, veteran marathoners suggest you listen to your body. Or listen to your mother.

Especially when she tells you to stop this marathon nonsense.

 

Sex ‑ Generally speaking, marathoners have no time for sex. They are too busy training. When they are not training, they can be found eating yogurt, poring over training tables, and testing the new Puma AKA‑47 running shoe, which doubles as an assault rifle. (Jim2 note: Puma brand of running shoes were popular in the 80s.)

 

To a marathoner, sex is far down the priority list. Usually, it ranks somewhere near choosing a good shoelace.

 

Running lingo ‑ Like other athletes, runners have their own colorful language. Here are the important terms you should know:

 

Runners high: A euphoric state of mind, reached around the 6‑mile point or after three jiggers of Beefeaters Gin.

 

The Wall: The moment your energy is totally exhausted and you decide to finish the race in your Datsun. (Jim2 note: Currently, Datsun = Nissan....I told you this was an old column.)

 

Warm‑down: the opposite of warm‑up.

 

Plantar Fasciitis: Some sort of injury somewhere in the foot.

 

There, that ought to do it. Now go ahead, start training for the marathon. Study your schedule carefully.

 

Or just take the day off.

 

Obviously, Kevin Cowherd is a humorist. However, he was also a runner. In fact, he was training for his first marathon, MCM, when he wrote this column. He never ran it. An injury stopped him. He told me that he no longer runs due to dual knee replacements. But, it was obvious from our conversation that he misses running. He seemed to enjoy taking a half hour from his busy schedule to discuss running with a stranger.

 

I hope you enjoyed Kevin’s tongue‑in‑cheek column as much as I did when I first read it.

 

2009 note - Earlier this year, Kevin's job with the Baltimore Sun changed from general humor columnist to sports journalist which, as this essay clearly indicates, is his strong suit. ;-)

 

Jim2