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"If You Gotta Go, Start Early"
"My friend is a rather old-fashioned
lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation
in Arizona; so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the
campground was fully equipped, but didn't know exactly how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring
herself to write the word 'toilet' in her letter. After much deliberation, she came up with the old-fashioned term 'bathroom
commode'. But when she wrote that down she still thought it was too forward. So she rewrote the whole letter and referred
to the bathroom commode simple as B.C.
Well, the campground owner
wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about.
That B.C. business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for
awhile, he showed it to several campers; but they couldn't imagine what the woman meant either. So the campground owner
finally came up with the idea the lady was asking the location of the local Baptist Church and sat down and wrote the following
reply:
Dear Madam: I regret very much
the delay in answering your letter; but now I have the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the
campground. It is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in
the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know a great number of people take their lunches and make
a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I
went was 6 years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time. It may interest you to know a supper
is being planned to buy more seats. It will be held in the basement of the B.C.
I would like to say it pains
me very much not to be able to go more regularly; but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As you grow older,
it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down
to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community." (Author Unknown)
Time Goes By
"Inside every older person, there's a young person wondering what happened."
(Charles & Frances Hunter - Healing Through Humor)
:-)
:-) :-) :-) :-)
"HOLY BLOOPERS"
"Believe it or not, these actually
appeared in various church bulletins..."
1. This afternoon there will
be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4 p.m. there
will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk come early...
3. Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy
Society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing 'Put Me In My Little Bed' accompanied by the Pastor.
4. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a
meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the Pastor in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask
Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
6. The service will close with 'Little
Drops of Water'. One of the ladies will start quietly; and then the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday a special collection
will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. Those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward
and get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have
cast off clothing of every kind; and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
9. A Bean Supper will be held on
Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning
is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. & Mrs. Julius Belzer.
11. Tonight's sermon: 'What is hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
12. For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
13. Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our church and community.
14. Potluck Supper: Prayer and meditation
to follow.
15. Don't let worry kill you off - let
the church help."
(Author Unknown)
:-)
NO SENSE OF LOYALTY
Do not offer the parts of your body
to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God.
(Romans 6:13 NIV)
"I hate my bathroom scale. It
has no sense of loyalty whatsoever. I mean, all I did was overeat just a teensy bit last weekend, and it actually turned
on me, claiming I had gained four pounds in three days. That's gratitude for you. I bought the scale in good faith.
I placed it in a prominent place in the bathroom. I regularly replace the batteries to ensure complete accuracy.
And now, with no warning at all, it mockingly flashes extra poundage at me.
The scale is obviously mistaken.
I admit to savoring three pieces of my mom-in-law's world-famous chocolate pie, but I was standing up when I ate them.
And we all know those calories don't count. I also sneaked a few items off Roy's tray when we went out Saturday night.
But it's common knowledge that food originating from someone else's plate is completely void of calories or fat grams.
And yes, I confess to inhaling a half-dozen doughnuts in one sitting. But that was only because I feared recrimination
for leaving just two or three in the box. I had to eat them all in order to destroy the evidence that they ever existed
in the first place.
So you see, the scale's claims are
completely unfounded and irresponsible. But just as a precautionary measure, I plan to limit my snacking this week to
low-cal popcorn. To help the taste, however, I'll need to use just a teensy-weensy bit of butter..."
(from Time Out by Leigh Ann Thomas)
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FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU
GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
NUMBER 5: "They told me at
the Blood Bank this might happen."
NUMBER 4: "This is just a
15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."
NUMBER 3: "Whew! Guess
I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice
sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
NUMBER 1: best thing to say
if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
(Raising your head slowly)..."in
Jesus' name, Amen."
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