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PROSTITUTION

It was very liberating to hear Barbara Walters and her gang discussing sex today on The View. My question is do men perceive prostitution differently than women? Do prostitutes view prostitution differently than women who don’t call themselves prostitutes yet behave very similarly, and women who aren’t prostitutes at all? I was in the second category for a brief time in my life. I mention, not to justify, but to clarify that my world was turned upside down by my mother’s debilitating illness, my father’s abandonment, and the subsequent loss of home and income. When I was nineteen, I met a man in his forties whose most appealing trait was his adoration of me, followed by his generosity. I guess you would call him a sugar daddy. He exhibited more patience, tolerance and acceptance than I’d ever experienced from either of my parents and all he wanted in return was that I have sex with him. He got me an apartment and he put me through my first semester of college before going bankrupt. He graciously turned me over to another rich friend to help me carry on. I went on a weekend trip with this friend and after having sex with him, he gave me a hundred dollars “to go shopping” while he played golf. That was pretty degrading but not bad enough to prevent me from approaching another friend of his with the request that he loan me a thousand dollars to finish my second semester of college which he agreed to with the unspoken caveat that I have sex with him which I did. After a brief spell of euphoria that I’d earned a thousand bucks so “easily,” degradation and shame took over. I may have had very low self-esteem but I had pride. Here’s the thing, though. This sugar daddy (who might not have attended college himself) esteemed me enough to persuade me to go to college and to pay for it himself (something my own college professor father side-stepped), took the risk that he would lose my affection when I was exposed to a more stimulating and age-appropriate atmosphere, yet apparently did not have faith that I could survive without selling my body. Is there an inherent and unperceived misogyny in this which my childhood sexual abuse and perhaps our culture dictated I buy into? Isn’t that the way of the world? It certainly seemed to be the perspective of my mother who groomed me to be a sex object with her ceaseless quest to perfect my physical attributes and her exhortations to “marry a man with one foot on the banana peel and one foot In the grave,” followed by “it’s just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor man.”

OPRAH

For some reason, Oprah came into my mind during my morning meditation. I bet she never prostituted herself. She is beautiful, smart, principled and charismatic. What an enormous burden to be such a role model, to be the person everyone wants to have as a best friend, and yet to have to deal with the necessity of fending people off, both physically and emotionally. And to be so scrutinized – to have her weight calculated more closely than the stock market index, her South African school investigated more than Cheney’s Halliburton Corporation, her sex partners evaluated more than the leaders of Iran or Korea. I want to be her but I don’t want her life.

MIND

Lately, I’ve been spending all my days in front of the computer, prompting me to speculate that I’m in danger of going the way of Stephen Hawking. It’s ironic since in the days before the computer I was a couch potato, and then I got into running and yoga and skiing and tennis. Now the computer calls to me like Lorelei. Help me! I’ve fallen into cyberspace and I can’t get up! I write words like whale songs sounding the deep, calling to like-minded souls for solace. I sing the body electric, my words pouring out of me like enchanting songs that lure sailors onto the rocks. It would be a relief to give myself up to this siren song, to not worry about weight or health, to devolve into a brain in a wheelchair with no function other than to think. Tempting…

My new favorite website is TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design), an invitation-only event where the world's leading thinkers and doers gather to find inspiration (www.ted.com).

I’m watching these advanced thinkers and one of them is espousing something I already wrote about in my novel, Boob, A Story of Sex, Cancer & Stupidity, which made me feel pretty advanced myself. If my dad hadn’t been such a wack job, I might have actually utilized my 148 IQ by pursuing (in his footsteps) a career in science. I think I would’ve liked doing research of some kind – not the hands-on electrodes in monkey brains kind that my dad did but more the Andy Warhol factory approach where I’d come up with the ideas and other people would check them out. Failing that, I think I would’ve enjoyed becoming a surgeon – not the liposuction kind but the separating conjoined twins kind.

Not to pooh pooh liposuction since Alan Russell, one of the speakers I saw on TED talks about such things as stem cells in liposuction run-off that can be used for regenerative medicine, i.e. helping the body rebuild itself. He also talks about how engineered tissue can help to regrow body parts such as fingers and toes. As he puts it: "If newts can regenerate a lost limb, why can't we?"

So here’s what I wrote in Boob: “Dr. Andrew Weill wrote in his book, Spontaneous Healing, of the liver's ability to regenerate up to eighty percent of its own lost tissue in a matter of hours, and cited another doctor's theory that humans have the mechanisms in place to regenerate amputated limbs in the same manner as salamanders. He asked, "Is mind the highest expression of genetic information encoded in DNA or a manifestation of a field of consciousness underlying matter, including DNA?" causing me to wonder if the women who claimed to increase their breast size through meditation were on to something big. Why couldn't I control my thoughts so they were all helpful, positive, empowering thoughts? My mind was one of those grassy hills that concealed a mountain of garbage, so truly, my only hope was a bulldozer driven by God.”

Russell says that in richer countries, people live longer. Not too long ago there were 40 people working for every 1 retiree. In 2010, there will be 2 people working for every 1 retiree so our healthcare system will collapse under the burden. Which could be a very bad thing because Stephen Petranek speculated on ways the world would end and an epidemic was one of them since we’ve been over-using antibiotics to the point that there’s only one that’s still effective against staph infections. I remember one time (back in the 60s) my dad was talking about someone he worked with who got a staph infection and I thought it was a “staff” infection. Anyway, I’m bummed because he said farm-raised fish were as bad as farm animals when it came to ingesting anti-biotics so no more tilapia for me. He also said people might just die out from depression since 1 out of 5 people is depressed. I was disappointed that he didn’t call for greater solutions than better drugs and a return to talk therapy. If, as Russell says, we should be trying to circumvent diseases so that we’re identifying and curing diabetes before the insulin stops working which is when it really takes its toll on the body and therefore the healthcare system, in other words curing the disease rather than the symptoms, then shouldn’t we be looking to dietary and spiritual solutions, as well?

Stephen Petranek also painted several scenarios that involved relocating to another planet such as Mars and mentioned in passing that obviously there were other inhabited planets out there. That too, is described in Boob, inspired by the Urantia Book. Which brings me to my other favorite website: space.com. I love looking at these achingly beautiful images from “infinity and beyond.” Today’s image was a spiral galaxy, 102 million light years from our Milky Way. Take me to your leader!

Yesterday, I bought some organic pears. Three Anjou pears (which appeared tiny compared to the hybrid non-organic giants I normally buy) cost $3.99, probably about $1/pound more than the giants. I can’t afford to buy all organic products so I usually settle for the things on Andrew Weill’s Top Ten organic list: apples, oranges, carrots, lettuce, potatoes, wheat, green beans, corn, peaches, and strawberries. (I seldom buy organic peaches and strawberries as they are outrageously expensive and don’t seem to hold up well.)

My eighty year old mother finds even the hybrid non-organic giants too expensive. Just the other day she saw my pears and exclaimed, “Gracious! I can’t afford to pay over a dollar a pear!” She settles for pretzels and crackers that she gets from the dollar store – jam-packed with hydrogenated oil, refined white flour, high fructose corn sweetener, and salt. Her one vegetarian friend’s rebuttal which my mother does not heed is that she’d rather spend her money on health food than on doctor bills.

Speaking of high fructose corn sweetener, I buy organic ketchup (which my daughter consumes by the gallon) not because it’s organic but to get away from the high fructose corn sweetener. I was trying to find the healthiest “normal” bread for my daughter who isn’t quite ready for Ezekiel bread, and just about every whole grain loaf in the grocery store had high fructose corn sweetener as the second or third ingredient. I asked myself why and the answer immediately came to mind: because it tastes better. I used to buy a Kellogg’s cereal that was “healthy” mostly because it had no sugar in it. One day I opened a box which was labeled “New and Improved.” After one bite I knew why -- sugar had been added. When I called Kellogg’s to complain they said that 9 out of 10 people in the test group had preferred the taste of the new and improved cereal. Well, of course, if I was asked which one TASTES better without any other criteria, such as HEALTH, I might choose the “New and Improved” version. Heck, I might even choose a Big Mac over a veggie burger with that parameter. (Not really!)

Today, I heard that the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that doctors performing colonoscopy examinations often do not detect flat, non-polypoid colorectal neoplasms which are nearly ten times more likely to be cancerous than polyps. Researchers found that polyps were found in four times as many participants, yet more than half the colon cancers found originated in flat, non-polypoid colorectal neoplasms which may account for the up to one percent of patients who develop cancer within three years of having colonoscopies. Not surprisingly, Japanese doctors have been aware of flat colon growths since the 1980s, but Western scientists doubted their importance and doctors failed to recognize their danger.

Two things: 1) My guess is that consumption of hydrogenated oil, refined white flour, high fructose corn sweetener, and salt might contribute to the growth of flat, non-polypoid colorectal neoplasms. 2) It seems to me that doctors have become overly dependent on machinery – not that it doesn’t have its place – but it can be over-used. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer the second time I was urged to get CT and bone scans 4x/year to check for metastases. I declined them both, having read that if I had bone cancer I would feel it long before it showed up in a bone scan, and recently, it was reported that ONE CT scan is the equivalent of 3 YEARS of  receiving DAILY radiation!!!

Healers are at the opposite end of the spectrum from colonoscopies. I’ve had the occasion to work with several. Stephen Mitchell, in his wonderful book, The Gospel According to Jesus, quotes a healer named Laura, who says that “It helps to have great trust in the healer and it helps even more to trust your own ability to heal. Sometimes trusting the healer can open a pathway to trusting yourself.” How often are we invited by our doctors to trust ourselves? Do they even trust themselves? I don’t mean just with their conscious mind, but as Stephen Mitchell says, “we have to believe in our depths” Jesus’s statement that “anything is possible when you believe it is.”

Below is a guided healing meditation from “Affliction and Healing” by Urantia book scholar Jeffrey Wattles that I do even when nothing is wrong with me because it feels so good! I guess you have to believe in Jesus for it to work – what it does for me is to help me feel what Laura describes as his “great presence and love” in a real and very moving way.

A GUIDED MEDITATION

[Lie down or recline and close the eyes. Then have someone read, without haste, but with proper life the following guided meditation based on Jesus’s practice in the Bethsaida hospital.]

Imagine that you are living in the time of Jesus and have come to hear him with the multitudes that have gathered in his presence by the Sea of Galilee. You have fallen ill, however, and are being taken care of in a large open tent with other sufferers. You are on a cot, smelling the fresh, warm air, hearing voices off in the distance, when you become aware that Jesus has entered the tent. He has come to make the rounds, to spend some time with each person. His purpose is not to produce dramatic cures, but to be with people, to pray with them and for them and to encourage their faith. He goes from one person to another, up one row and down the next, spending a few minutes with each one. You cannot hear what he says to the person he’s with, but you feel that it is a blessing to have him there. Then he starts on your row, coming up behind you, gradually approaching your cot. Then he comes to you, looks you deep in the eyes... and I leave you now in silence for a few minutes to imagine your time together.

[Pause for a few minutes, then continue.]

After a few minutes, the Master moves on, and you are thankful for his visit. Now gently come back from the imagination of being with him in Galilee, and take a minute or so to return fully to the consciousness of being here and now and then gently open the eyes. [For complete article, go to: http://www.personal.kent.edu/~jwattles/healing.htm]

In The Gospel According to Jesus, the healer named Laura says “the curing of symptoms is only one aspect of healing,” and that healing can be “a transformation of the whole person: not just a physical healing but an emotional and spiritual opening as well. When you embrace an illness, and really learn what it’s trying to communicate to you, your whole life can be transformed, from the inside out.” That has been my experience! I shudder when I think what I used to put in my body, how outwardly open I was but how inwardly shut down, how trusting I wanted to be but how suspicious and cynical I was. My spiritual awakening has been what William James called the “educational variety” and today I’m on the distinguished honor roll.

I’m feeling resistance to asking questions today because I don’t want the answers. OK, I guess what’s up for me is seeing a doctor for a check-up – why can’t I trust my own intuition, knowledge and ability to nurture my health? What I fear is having my faith in my hard-won philosophy undermined (see “My Cancer Cure”). I’m not some crack pot, although that seemed to be the prevailing notion recently when Bill Maher talked about not having a swamp in his body that would act as a Petri dish for infectious diseases. I, in complete agreement with his health views, was amazed by his guests’ reaction to his stance on the over-use of prescription drugs. It was appalling that people with their apparent level of education and sophistication could be so enthralled by the drug company voodoo that pervades our medical system, turning routine doctor visits into drug delivery systems (much as the cigarette is the delivery system for nicotine). But, of course, why not? We’re indoctrinated at birth since it all starts with vaccinating infants. With my own healthy, breast-fed child, I discovered that there was absolutely no reason to visit the pediatrician except to be coerced into vaccinating her (cha-ching!), which thank God I resisted.

It took me three breast cancer diagnoses (as chronicled in my novel, Boob, A Story of Sex, Cancer & Stupidity) to reach the conclusions that Bill Maher has reached. The only place we differ is that I was raised as an atheist and now believe in a non-denominational God. To achieve that I had to stop doing drugs and alcohol. I have to admit I’m curious how Bill Maher can accomplish so much while smoking pot. At the risk of enflaming his cynicism, I offer the twelfth step maxim that perhaps he’s filling a God-sized hole with mind altering substances.

Ed Rendel, a recent guest on Bill Maher, attributed the fact that there were more incarcerated prisoners in the US than in any other country to lack of education. I would add to that lack of good nutrition. (The only good thing about the recession is that it’s put a dent in MacDonald’s sales for the first time in its upward spiral.) I think health issues are far the most pressing issues in this country, even more than universal health care which I’m afraid will only make things worse in terms of fostering unnecessary doctor visits. The medical system today is already a morass of unnecessary visits and tests. It’s all about finding what’s wrong rather than supporting and strengthening what’s right. Unfortunately, that might be because so many doctors today are in their profession for reasons other than healing. I tell myself I can see a physician and shrug off his suggestions to get all those tests they love to prescribe because of lack of faith in their own intuition. I tell myself to strengthen my faith in God and in my methods and no one will be able to shake that faith. I can take what I like and leave the rest. To thine own self be true.

On my mind today is the size of my head which felt alarmingly small in the shower today as I washed my hair. Having curly hair, I seldom have need to touch my head as the windblown look suffices. But today, with my hands on either side, like Rhett Butler’s hands on Scarlett’s head when she snuck downstairs for a wee drink the night of Ashley’s party, and he told her he could crush her head like a walnut (only that was not my intent), I felt like one of those pinheads in the movie, Freaks. Okay, I’m exaggerating but the reality is that my consciousness which is what I usually think of as my brain which is lodged inside my skull often feels like it is boundless – well, at least as big as whatever room I’m in, so it was a shock to discover that it was so much smaller in reality.

Speaking of head-size, I’m wondering if I owe an amends to someone. Usually I do. Confucius said, “In the archer, there is a resemblance to the mature person. When he misses the bull’s-eye, he turns and seeks the reason for his failure in himself.” Stephen Mitchell adds, “There is nothing wrong with making mistakes; the trouble comes with making mistakes about our mistakes.” In this case, my problem is that I often think I’m the alpha and omega of everything. In this case, however, it’s pretty clear that this woman, though well-meaning, is disorganized and unable to communicate clearly. My mistake about my mistake is that my compulsive helper persona would rather make her right and my perceptions wrong so that she will not have to feel bad about herself.

Believe me, I’m not one to shirk amends. I have definitely matured as a result of seeking the failures in myself, and attempting to eradicate them. This, unfortunately, is not an overnight process so I continue to be, even in my best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony. I detached from her with, if not an axe, then a butter knife. The parting might have been more amicable if I’d continued to struggle to do what she wanted me to do (which she probably wouldn’t have been satisfied with and I’d therefore have been drawn more deeply into her chaos) but I offered and she refused. End of story. I have no reason to feel guilty. What I need to do is to trust myself more and to act accordingly.

As Lao-Tzu advises, foreshadowing the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, you make a mistake, you realize it. Having realized it, you admit it. Having admitted it, you correct it. These situations are growth opportunities, and as such, the enemy is the shadow that I myself cast. And today, that shadow has a much smaller head.