Home Private Readings Contact Nancy

 

Cupid Takes Aim--His

During the course of my long career as an astrologer, I've read for thousands of people and during that time I've developed some philosophies that are so true they reach right to the heart of the matter. There are a number of truisms I like to impart to my clients, most of whom are consulting me over love and its ills. The most important truth is deceptively simple, yet so comforting, so undeniable, so meaningful. Here it is: Men! Can't live with 'em, can't move a couch without 'em.

When confronted with this ineffable truth, most women smile serenely and nod. Great truths speak for themselves. An occasional female of the spunky variety will counter back to me: "I can move my couch," she crows. But I always have the last laugh. "Not onto a truck," I say. Then, spunky or not, she nods. My great truth has sunk in and we bond over our mutual womanness.

Once I was chatting with a guy friend and, in a moment of weakness, I forgot to whom I was talking. I shared my truism with him. I waited hopefully, expecting him to bow his head in shame (or flex his splendid biceps) and nod, accepting the inevitability of the truth I'd just uttered. But his comeback surprised me and changed my life.

"I don't move couches," he sneered, "I call movers."

GASP! The realization hit me like a ton of barbells. I have a phone line! I have a modem line! I have a cel phone! I can call movers too!

So what was left but to rewrite my interpretation of the deepest truth ever told about love: Men! Can't live with 'em….

Okay, we agree that's a given, so what's the next step? Hie thee to a convent? Sometimes it seems like the only alternative. But for those of you who know you can't live with 'em but still want to try, here's some inside information that will help you cope with that hunka hunka burning love.

Your Aries Guy is single-minded where love is concerned. He comes to the relationship already madly in love-with himself! His approach is simply to recruit you as a member of his fan club. He comes first, second and third in all his plans and if you want to be with him, you'll have to be willing to do what he wants, agree with what he thinks, and let him take the lead.

Your fondest memories will be of the first date you shared, in which he wooed you so assertively, so determinedly with non-stop tales about the person he admires most-himself. It didn't even matter that your lips were clenched from just having had root canal because the only word he let you utter was "Umm…."

Most women complain that men sit on the couch in front of the television clutching the remote control and never relinquishing it. One would think that your Aries guy is just that sort of person, and in fact he is, except for the fact that he rarely has time to watch TV. He's too busy clutching the stick shift of his racing car, the poles of his skis, or a surfboard. This macho man is outdoorsy, athletic and action-oriented and he doesn't mind at all if you come along on his outings. Somebody has to have the manual dexterity to unwrap the bandages-and that's you!

He's self-centered, deeply involved with himself and his priorities involve activities that leave lesser men requiring round the clock medical care. So why do you love him? Because his inner child is not only alive and well, but a sweet and tender being who never stops being filled with the wonders of life. His outlook is often innocent and trusting. His smile is enough to send shivers down your spine. And he's your only chance to feel as Scarlett O'Hara did when Rhett swept her up those stairs for a night of uncontrollable passion.

Your Taurus Guy is wealthy beyond belief. God knows you can't believe it-you see no sign he has a dime because he refuses to spend any of it. This is a man who knows for sure that a penny saved is a penny earned, because he's saved every cent he's ever earned. All those home cooked dinners at your house that he appreciates so much? They combine his two favorite pursuits-eating good food someone else pays for.

It's nice to be with someone very sensual. Other people have televisions, computers and stereos for entertainment. Your Taurus guy is too smart for them. Why does he need gadgets when letting you rub his feet by candlelight is so much more romantic? Yes, those rumors of marathon lovemaking sessions are true. What else can you do after dark when he's too cheap to spring for electricity?

Your Taurus guy is cheap, slow and stubborn, so why do you love him? He's stable-this is the one guy in the Zodiac who can make a commitment at age three and still be there at ninety-three. He loves to make love and will keep at it until you're really, really satisfied. And he doesn't mind if you're a bit overweight. Skinny women are too hard to lasso from the confines of an armchair. Plus you know that there'll be plenty of money in your old age-not that you'll be allowed to spend it, but maybe someday you can get his power of attorney after he's senile.

Your Gemini Guy is quite a talker. Perhaps that's why you're currently huddled in the bathroom trying to read this article while he stands outside the door chattering. Yes, that tape you made of yourself saying "Uh-huh, yes dear, and hahaha, that's a good one," was necessary and you need not feel guilty.

This is a man who is flexible, up to the moment and intellectually aware. He'd never bore you with the same old sentiments or insist you remain in a rut. He didn't do that with any of his five other wives and he isn't doing it to you. He does like to keep up with current events, and the droning of his voice as he reads the newspaper aloud is an invaluable aid when you want to make that jump to alpha waves in meditation.

This guy is quite a traveler. Yes, he did leave his last wife when he met you on his honeymoon, but that was a freak occurrence. It's fun to go on all those trips, and that tracking bracelet you bought him takes away a lot of the stress of wondering if he will reappear after a day at the dog track.

Your Gemini guy is a non-stop talker, he has a roving eye and he sometimes gets bored in the middle of lovemaking, so why do you love him? He's smart. It's nice to be with a man who has ideas of his own and he has a way with words that keeps you laughing. His natural intellectual curiosity keeps you surrounded by people who are interesting and your life is never dull. He's willing to try pretty much anything and he never complains about coming home to find your pals there.

Your Cancer Guy is capable of deep tenderness and complete devotion. If not for his mother, perhaps he'd lavish some of those sentiments on you. At least you know where he is-sitting in a rocker next to mom while you get a much-needed cardio workout hauling that hundred-pound bag of fertilizer from the car. This is a sensitive guy, who's not afraid to cry or show his emotions. That's probably because the only emotions to which he's sensitive are his own. When it comes to your feelings, he's as clueless as an Aries.

It's nice to be with a man who's even more sentimental than you are. It's endless hours of good fun to pore over his grammar school scrapbooks. Who could get enough of that sort of activity? Plus, since he saves absolutely everything, you know that whatever you might need-it's still right there in the attic. It's comforting for the children to visit all dad's old toys, even if they're not allowed to touch them.

Family security is always his number one priority and it's hard not to admire a man who keeps up with even his most distant cousins. It's not so bad having them camped out in the garage and once their still is repaired and they return home, you'll miss them-badly. Look at all the work he did building that extra bedroom with spa onto the house. If you ask really nicely, perhaps your mother-in-law will let you try it.

Your Cancer guy is awash in his own emotional turmoil, in love with his mother and an ice cream addict, so why do you love him? He's a guy with whom you can build a family, he loves children and knows how to snuggle when the lights go out. If you're sick, he'll take care of you, and when you're old, he'll remain loyal. He has decades of experience loving an old hag, so you know he won't leave you when you wrinkle.

Your Leo Guy is the most splendid fellow on earth-just ask him. Go ahead and lie naked on the bed and say in your most sultry voice-"Someone's burning with sexiness tonight." He'll look away from the mirror long enough to beam and say "Thanks for noticing." He's hard to resist with all that thick, luxurious hair. It's remarkable how it grows all the way around his bald spot, across his neck, down his back, right to the bottoms of his feet! He's as furry as your cat, without the bother of a litter box.

This guy knows how to live the good life and he expects you to look as good as he does. It's fun to receive all those luxurious presents. Who else has chains that look like they were recovered from a sunken treasure ship? Yes, jewelry like that is heavy, but he'll hire a personal trainer to teach you to hold your head erect. If you can manage to do the same with your cleavage and posterior, so much the better. Being a glamour girl is the right approach with this mate. His motto is there is no such thing as too much make up, too much jewelry or too much pleasure.

In fact, the words too and much are not part of his vocabulary. More is simply better. Nobody is better at maxxing out a credit card, and if they're yours, so what. Before he came along did you really know how many ways caviar can be eaten, how many places diamonds can be worn and how many outfits a person really needs?

Your Leo guy is vain, a spendthrift and his taste is excessive, so why do you love him? He's gorgeous, first of all, and he constantly works at remaining attractive. Other guys sit around swilling beer in tacky undershirts. He sits swilling champagne in a silk dressing gown. He loves elegance, makes you feel like the most beautiful woman on earth and has a generous spirit as big as the sky. It's a larger than life existence with this guy, so why not enjoy it!

Your Virgo Guy is neat, precise and practical, and once he knows you a little longer, he'll probably stop making love wearing protective hospital gloves. You have to admire the way he organizes everything in the house. Who knew underwear could be alphabetized? A lot of novice astrologers say that Virgos have to have everything perfect but your guy is too smart for them. He's made it perfectly clear that no matter how you try you'll never get it quite right, and he accepts you for the useless, flawed being you are. And one you come to realize he's a saint, things will go much more smoothly.

He is modest, cautious and health conscious. It's inspiring to be with a man who rises well before the chickens and begins his daily workout after cheerfully consuming a tasteless granola bar. But don't worry, dear, that guilt management workshop will help you deal with the feelings of inadequacy he inspires. Life really makes more sense when you look inside his closet. There in some precise order, comprehensible only to him, are arranged a dozen pair of identical, ultra conservative khaki pants and neutral button-down shirts. Yes, he is still a boyscout!

Your Virgo Guy is picky, persnickety and has to have everything done in his own perfect way, so why do you love him? This is a guy who never bounces a check, can change a tire without cursing or getting a smudge on him, is an excellent cook, and who will help you work through any crisis in your life and have you sorted out without blinking an eye. He is selfless and giving and so skilled in many areas that you feel like you're on constant vacation. And because he's such a perfectionist, he will try, try again in bed until you are his happy, smiling love slave.

Your Libra Guy is a real ladies' man. He just loves women, and you shouldn't be jealous of his seventeen female best friends; he's probably been linked romantically with only sixteen of them. It's fun to be involved with a guy who's more romantic than you are, one who actually enjoys shopping with you for dainties and lipstick, and as long as he doesn't try them on, you're probably okay.

Most guys want to spend their time watching sporting events, belching, scratching and crawling under cars. Until he came along, you thought men were some sort of primitive sub-species. This guy wants to spend time dancing, attending cultural events and crawling into your heart. So what if he talks constantly about the million women he sees. At least you know he has outside interests. He makes it perfectly clear that he wants a relationship and the fact that he has said that to nearly every woman in town shouldn't be such a drawback. It's proof he's serious.

He's a great companion, but is a guy really supposed to ooze charm instead of sweat? It's fun to engage this mate in an argument. Conflicts make him uncomfortable and you can win while he's pretending to practice his cha-cha. Yes, he does make you feel a bit like a clod, but is it your fault that he's daintier than you are?

Your Libra guy is a woman chaser, he doesn't have a macho bone in his body and he smells better than you do, so why do you love him? He is the heart and soul of romance and he restores your spirit of magic. He makes you feel that love is alive and well and something you can enjoy again. He inspires you to buy new clothes, he leads you on a whirlwind of good fun, and no romantic sentiment is too gooey for him to share.

Your Scorpio Guy isn't really that secretive. He just refuses to let you in on what he's thinking, feeling and doing. Except for that, he's an open book. Don't assume those rumors that he's an alien are true; there are good reasons why no record of his past exists-he doesn't want "them" to have access to his private life.

This guy has one hobby-sex-but don't worry-it really is safe to have that many orgasms a day, and no it doesn't make you a nympho-just a lucky girl. You can confirm this fact with any of his past lovers, once you get the CIA to locate them. It's nice to be with someone who's a comfy homebody; just insist that he unchain you from the bed long enough to get some laundry done.

There's something comforting about sharing all your secrets with him. You can look into his eyes and tell him all the shocking things you'd never dared reveal before. And it's okay to do so because chances are he will never use them against you except when he's really, really angry. At least he is capable of great emotional depth, and that's why he's so adept at understanding your feelings. Who else has manipulated you with such finesse?

Your Scorpio guy is a secretive, bossy sex addict who always has to rule the roost, so why do you love him? The sex addict part alone is enough to sell him, but he's also intensely passionate, emotionally liberating, and you feel as though your connection with him will last a lifetime-at least. Loving him is like flying without a net, and it's intoxicatingly exhilarating.

Your Sagittarius Guy loves dogs and horses and is most at home when in the company of animals. That's because his furry friends don't mind the fact that he owns only one pair of raggedy jeans and two torn T-shirts. Like Peter Pan, he's a playful sprite who enjoys a frolicking good time. This is one guy who will never expect you to put him through medical school; doctors actually have to work for a living.

Thankfully, his prejudice about signing onto a lifetime of career complications doesn't extend to you. He is ready, willing and enthusiastic about offering you all the kudos you need while building your own career. Go ahead and work those long hours; this is a liberated guy who won't feel demeaned by your decision to support him. He's also willing to compromise about your living situation. He was perfectly content camping out on his buddies' couches till you came along. He doesn't need that big place you work so hard to afford, but considerately, he will live there with you. Other men might resent being put on an allowance, but he doesn't mind at all, as long as it's enough to cover the stable bills for his horses.

Your Sagittarius guy is a boy who never grows up, he rarely makes a dime and bathes only on demand, so why do you love him? His point of view is irresistibly honest, he see the important truths of life and is unspoiled, unartificial and a fun-loving good time. Because he's so complacent and accepting of life, chances are he has a shot of bypassing the heart attack years and actually being around to share your old age.

Your Capricorn Guy looks, acts, and seems like a banker, whether he is or not. Ultra-conservative, this workaholic has only one priority; too bad it's never you. Don't worry that you have to contact his secretary to make an appointment for a date. His mother and children have to do the same thing. Working is his reason for living, his favorite pastime and his full-time preoccupation. This is one guy you may never see out of his three-piece suit.

This fellow has strong, traditional values. He believes in the sanctity of the family and plans to establish one of his own-just as soon as he can hire a suitable bride. Everything about him is so traditional that his taste is so long out of style he may actually be fashionable again. He certainly doesn't expect you to indulge in the whims of fashion. He wears the same clothes until they are so worn out they fall off his body and so should you. Don't worry-he will be too busy working to notice that you're naked.

Money and financial security are very important to this mate. After all, he has absolutely no vices and no thrill-seeking tendencies, so chances are he will outlive his entire generation. Surviving that long requires a nest egg. There's no chance that you will one day be able to wrest from him his fortune. He'll outlive even you. Not that he'll retire, but he'll outlive you.

Your Capricorn Guy is a penny-pinching, competitive workaholic who has no need of a personal life, so why do you love him? He's ambitious, loyal, and you can pretty well assume he won't cheat on you, except with a calculator. He is witty and can keep you laughing. He's a stand up guy you can trust to remain that way. And he's a hard worker, so when he takes time off for your annual conjugal tryst, he will try to please you.

Your Aquarius Guy has a personality that's so quirky you prepare for your dates by reading Jane Goodall's groundbreaking research on apes. He may not be Simian, but you can't quite determine what species he is. Unquestionably brilliant, he has points of view that are so outrageous they have no relevance to life anywhere on this planet. He doesn't mind being off center; it's fun for him to challenge the thinking of the people around him with his shocking remarks. But honey, don't feel badly. Your great aunt Alice had the heart condition long before you introduced him at that ill-fated family gathering.

This guy loves technology and can do anything with electrical gadgets. Perhaps you can't fathom why he's interconnected his computer, the fridge and your vibrator but he has a plan and you should respect him for it. It's interesting to live in his absent-minded professor-like world. It's abundantly clear that he's forgotten more than you ever knew. Never mind that you don't want to know that stuff, it's still an accomplishment.

This mate loves to befriend the whole world. Those people around him may look like a raggedy collection of reprobates, felons and terrorists to you, but to him they're just the guys. Yes, it's true that you've been dating for twelve years and he still introduces you as his casual friend whatsername, but that's just his boyish charm. He understands gadgets intimately, but inexplicably, he can't hear your biological clock ticking?

Your Aquarius guy is distant, detached and seems to hail from a planet in another galaxy, so why do you love him? He's smart, really very smart and it's always amusing to hear his outrageous ideas. Perhaps one day he really will save the world. It's nice to be with someone who absolutely won't make a commitment, because then you don't have to deal with your own fear of closeness. This is a man who dances to his own drummer and if you can understand each other, it's fun to be surprised every day of your life by the clever things he says.

Your Pisces Guy is more sensitive than a twelve-year-old virgin. He doesn't mind crying and he isn't ashamed to let you see his tears. That box of cereal was once a living organism and it deserves to be loved, not just eaten. He's willing to listen to your problems and will always lend you a shoulder to lean on. Yes, he will too, once he's finished listening to the problems of every one else on the planet, all of whom have targeted him for their dumping ground.

It's nice to be with someone who has artistic sensibilities. It's unfair of you to ask him to go out to work. Watching endless hours of television reruns of The Brady Bunch is an important cultural pursuit. He supports you in your career goals, doesn't he? How can you be so insensitive where his choices are concerned? This is a man with feelings-and everything has to be balanced for him to function properly. Chances are there will be a day or two in the next decade when he absolutely does feel balanced, so in the meantime, cut him some slack, will you?

You never have to feel weak or ashamed of your irrational emotions with this mate. There is nothing outrageous that you could feel to which he hasn't already succumbed. No matter how miserable, how depressed, how slobby you get in your chocolate-stained bathrobe, he will still accept and love you. Unfortunately he has the same standards for everyone else. Just take a number and wait in the den along with the rest of the world.

Your Pisces guy is a distracted, whiney, emotional wreck, so why do you love him? He is tender and loving and although he's that way to everyone, you know that his feelings for you are truly unique. He is a special person who has deep feelings and he really pulls hard for the underdog. You never have to feel that you're going to be overwhelmed by a macho man. In fact, if you want to, you can probably overwhelm him!

 

Cupid Takes Aim--Hers

Some years back I received a humorous e-mail that proved to be very telling. It contained an anecdote about a fictional couple, Roger and Elaine. They were driving in the car when Elaine mentioned that they'd been seeing each other for six months. That prompted Roger to think that yes, it had been six months, because that was about the time he had last taken his car to that thieving weisel, the mechanic. As Roger went over the situation with the car in his mind, Elaine fretted silently about the relationship and Roger's reaction to her statement.

What did his silence mean? Had her comments put Roger ill at ease? Was he angry at her? Did he think she was being too pushy, that she was asking for a commitment? What was Roger thinking? Elaine couldn't let the matter go. She began to get teary, but hastily controlled herself. It must be something serious, something ominous, and perhaps their relationship was not on shaky ground. Roger knew something was up, but he didn't know what. He was pretty sure he hadn't missed one of Elaine's remarks but it seemed like he had. What did it all mean? Something must have flown over his head-oh well, he would survive. Roger drove Elaine home and she promptly put in an emergency call to her girlfriend so they could obsess together over the situation. Roger went home and promptly fell into a sound sleep.

Roger and Elaine were not on the same page. But how could they be? Men and women love each other, they share lives and marry, but so often you guys regard us as creatures more exotic and incomprehensible than the ones at the zoo. Although women are referred to as the weaker sex, you guys live in terror of us, wondering what you dare say, think and feel and knowing that women are simply beyond your comprehension.

When Henry Higgins complained, "Why can't a woman be more like a man," he echoed sentiments shared by all mankind. You men say what you mean and if someone doesn't understand what you're saying, you rarely weep, whine or sneer, "Well if you don't know, I'm not telling you." When someone gives you a present, you say, "Wow what a nifty set of screwdrivers." You don't tear up and wail, "Screwdrivers? Is that your idea of something personal?" Or, "So you think my fingers are too fat and I need to screwdrive some weight off?"

You're a guy! Of course you'd never think to behave that way. If something upsets you, you roll with the punches, you go with the flow, you smash a hole in the wall with your fists. Isn't that the sane way to live?

Being a woman myself, I am not quite on your side, but I do have sympathy for you, so here are some bits of information that could help you win the battle of the sexes.

Your Aries Gal challenges that complaint made above by Henry Higgins. She's a lot like a guy and is one tough broad. She can change her own oil, race go-karts faster than a testosterone-poisoned teen, and if you annoy her, she isn't shy about applying those useful techniques taught in her karate class. This is a woman who knows what she wants and who isn't afraid to say so. If you get stuck with her on a desert island, she will have you following her plans and obeying her orders. She can't help it-this is not one of those females who regards herself as a delicate flower.

This mate is someone who has her own agenda and if you want to be in her life, don't expect her to join your team. Expect to join hers. She enjoys good conversation, as long as she's at the center of it, and as long as you don't expect her to listen to your tales of woe. She was not put on this earth to coddle you or anyone else. If you get sick, she's just as likely to sneer and say, "Get up off your lazy butt," as she is to squeeze you an orange.

Your Aries Gal is self-centered, macho beyond belief and you're a little afraid of coming up against her in a dark alley. So why do you love her? She's lots of fun, she loves sports and outdoors activities and she's a challenge in any competition. It's almost like dating a guy pal instead of a gal pal. And she almost never dissolves in tears at incomprehensible moments.

Your Taurus Gal is sexy and indolent. She loves to recline on the couch and munch on gourmet treats. If ever there was a mate for whom a gladiator kneeled and peeled a grape, it's this pleasure-loving woman. She seems to have no agenda at all, and she's relaxed and relaxing to be around. Plus there's the money. You've heard amazing rumors about all the money she has in the bank, and even if you never see a dime of it (don't worry, you won't) it's comforting to be involved with a woman who could buy and sell you. She doesn't buy much and chances are she won't sell you as long as you keep popping those bon bons into her mouth.

This mate loves to be wined and dined and as long as you're paying, she's happy to share the most ultra-deluxe meals with you. Does it seem that we're spending a lot of time talking about food? The way to her heart is definitely through her stomach. And despite her own wealth, this lady appreciates a gentleman caller with his own sizable bank balance. She is not the sort to dally with a gigolo-well not for more than an hour a day, that is. Yes, she does love to make love. After all, she's usually lying down anyway, so why not include some recreation with that posture?

Your Taurus Gal is lazy, probably a bit overweight, and she never lavishes a cent of her fortune on you, so why do you love her? She's sensual and she reminds you of those old paintings of women reclining on a divan surrounded by angels and baskets of fruit. She is very womanly and she makes you feel even more masculine by contrast. And you know that once she gives you her heart, it's yours forever.

Your Gemini Gal is a multi-tasker. Who knew a woman could keep up a running monologue while reading a book and watching the television? She always has something to say and no, that's not why you bought those earmuffs and the radio headset. It's inspiring to be with someone who is so well-informed. How would you know every detail of your neighbor's lives without her? Who else would tell you the blow by blow of Grandma's hysterectomy?

The great thing about this woman is her many interests. Okay she has the attention span of a gnat, but at least you get to try new things. It's not as upsetting as one might think to hear about all the men to whom she was engaged, since after all, most of those involvements lasted only as long as a talk show. You used to feel like a very smart guy until she came along. She can fill in all the blanks of the crossword puzzle, use ten-dollar words and feel at home reading any gibberish-filled book.

She's ditsy, uncommitted and talks nonstop-so why do you love her? She's smart and interesting. And she gives you your space. Other women are determined to rope you in and tie you down. This mate is too busy enjoying life and other people to worry about whether or not you'll be around tomorrow. It keeps you on your toes!

Your Cancer Gal is sentimental about everything. No, that's not just a pile of clutter in every corner-they are treasures and if you say one more word, she'll be crying again, and we all know whose fault it will be. This is one sensitive woman, and weeping seems to be her favorite pastime. C'mon buddy, everybody needs a hobby. In fact, she's a one-woman circus with a new emotion every twenty seconds. You just never know what you're going to come home to. A werewolf has less scary moods.

This mate loves children and having a family is her main priority. Other people discuss the weather on a first date; she had you choosing names for the children. It's not hard to know what sort of mother she will be because she is so attached to her own mother, you have to drag the old biddy along wherever you go. It's sweet to know that you will never have to be alone-her mother will be right there between the two of you until you finally give up and drop dead.

Your Cancer Gal is an emotional wreck, she's clingy and she has never thrown away a single thing in her entire life. Her mother will always be more important to her than you are-so why do you love her? She's sweet and tender and nurturing and you know she will always take care of you. She loves to snuggle and she really cares about your welfare. Nobody is a better mom or better able to create a happy home.

Your Leo Gal is a natural beauty queen, and the sooner you can afford to buy her that diamond-encrusted tiara, the higher the esteem in which she will hold you. Other women go to ruin; she goes to the gym and the mall. Some men come home and listen to their wives complain they didn't know what to make for dinner. This will never be your problem. Your mate always knows what to make-reservations-and she has no reservations about telling you so. If you wanted a Suzy homemaker type, you should have chosen a Cancer.

Leo is the sign of royalty, so remain prepared to pay court. She is always supposed to be the center of attention and you must always remain her loyal servant. Of course that doesn't mean she won't also need a maid, a chauffeur, and a cook. Living the good life is the Leo raison d'être and you might as well surrender. This is not a woman who wants to spend time in cutoff jeans or gardening gloves. And if you have some sort of tuxedo allergy, better call it quits right now.

Your Leo Gal is a vain spendthrift who wants to party till dawn every night of the year. She needs a closet the size of a football field and her fingernails are so long she's virtually unable to do so much as scratch her own butt-not that she would ever stoop to such a tacky gesture. So why do you love her? She's gorgeous and sexy and you're the envy of all the guys in your circle because she's yours. She's sunny and warm hearted and she makes you feel good about being you. Life is fun in her company and you enjoy yourself more when you're with her than when you're alone.

Your Virgo Gal is so pristine and organized that she makes you feel like a big, hairy, useless slob. It's comforting to know that she loves you anyway despite all the many shortcomings you never realized you had until you met her. In fact, she's kind enough to help you work through your problems and in short order, she will have you feeling organized and safe again. It's sort of like joining the army but a lot more pleasant. That's the benefit of being in love with a woman who is just like Mary Poppins-practically perfect in every way.

She has her schedule to follow, but don't worry, she will give you an appointment for sex as soon as you've done your chores. She's not the sort of woman who wants to be tossed onto the kitchen table. She can't make love to the sound of stuff dripping onto the floor. This is a woman who has a lot of requirements and rules about everything-that's why she's known as picky.

Your Virgo Gal is an order freak, she's never been wrong in your entire relationship (meaning you've never been right) and she sees germs in places other people don't even know are there, so why do you love her? She puts your needs ahead of her own, she goes out of her way to make you happy and she keeps your world humming. Other people see her as a girl scout but to you she's a perfect, passionate goddess.

Your Libra Gal is the social butterfly of all time, but you don't really mind lining up to have a conversation with her-everyone else does it. It's all the black tie events, the concerts, the ballroom dancing lessons. She seems to live her entire life by candlelight and you wonder if your eyes will ever adjust to daylight again. Other women do inhabit the real world occasionally but this woman seems to float through a fog of violin music.

She's so sweet and seems to expect so much of you that you don't really mind trying so hard to please her, even if you do suspect that all this meaningless romance will kill you. Yes, you've maxxed out your credit card on the endless bouquets of flowers she seems to expect and somewhere an activist group is forming to save endangered posies from groves denuded at your behest. But that's love isn't it? There are so many other guys seeking her company that you have to give it your all.

Your Libra gal lives in a world too rarified for a real guy like yourself, she's surrounded by people too good for you and looks aghast if you should so much as belch, so why do you love her? She's sweet and pretty and you feel that she changes your life for the better, gives you some class and makes you feel that the world is indeed a pretty place.

Your Scorpio Gal is a woman, not a girl. In fact, you're a little scared of her because you feel that you could easily become her love slave and you're pretty sure she held onto that collar after Rover passed on. She unleashes a might flood of passion in your direction and you want to make sure you remain unleashed as well. This is a woman who knows what she wants, but she only reveals to you as much as she wants you to know. You can't help wondering about what she's not telling you, but hey, since most women talk too much about stuff you never wanted to know, her secretiveness is almost a pleasure-almost. On the days when you're nearly positive that she's not plotting your demise, you don't prod her.

This mate inspires you to reach deep inside yourself and to reveal those old secrets you never told anyone else. See seems pretty trustworthy and since you see no sign she's keeping a dossier on you, it's nice to share more intimacy than you have in the past. And of course, there's the sex. Who knew you'd ever find a woman who wanted more sex than you do? Of course it doesn't make you a wimp when you sigh, cross your aching legs and plead, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." You survived the military, didn't you, and she's only slightly more exacting than that.

Your Scorpio gal is an intense, sexually demanding dominatrix, so why do you love her? Who can go wrong with an intense, sexually demanding dominatrix?

Your Sagittarius Gal is a regular Daisy Mae Clampett. She's sweet and outdoorsy and you can probably hose her down before you introduce her to your parents. They'll appreciate the fact that she's honest and unspoiled and even if she doesn't own a dress, know which fork to use, and calls the symphony a hoe-down, she's still your true love. The folks'll learn to accept that mangy, flea-bitten-er beloved-dog who goes everywhere she does. If you can sleep with it, they can at least set a place at the table for it.

It's nice to be with a woman who is unpretentious and uncomplicated and some day you can build a new room out of all the stacked up pizza boxes. She's willing to compromise-just let her know which fast food place you prefer and she'll grab dinner for both of you. So what if your last girlfriend laughed at your fishing equipment, refused to go to sporting events and made you bathe daily. This girl has her own tent and will teach you a thing or two about camping. And if you're afraid of big bugs, don't worry. She'll just catch them and set them free outdoors.

Your Sagittarius gal is not terribly feminine, she regards your mother as someone from an alien culture and she has never been on time a day in her life, so why do you love her? She's warm and friendly, rarely makes demands on you, supports you in everything you do and she has interesting ideas about how to live a happy, uncomplicated life. Plus she has all that sporting equipment.

Your Capricorn Gal is a good person to know. She shows you what you might have achieved if you weren't such a lazy, sniveling loser. Yes, she's too busy to waste time dating and will expect to see your family tree and your financial statement before agreeing to so much as a pre-date phone call, but at least you know where you stand-just like the other applicants in her life. If you manage to land her as a wife, you can rely on her to keep the home in order (she hires great people), the children well cared for (she hires great people) and the marriage long lasting-assuming you don't mess things up on the fifteen minutes per day you see her, the marriage could last your whole life.

This is a no-nonsense woman and she's not interested in seduction or in frivolity. So what if the word lingerie isn't in her vocabulary. It's not really in yours either, is it? It's nice to be with someone who decides she needs sex, calls you on the phone and asks if you can spare some time at lunch. You can cuddle with your guy pals over beers after work. You understand what it's like to be building a killer career, amassing a fortune and being a huge success. If only you could manage to do those things yourself, you wouldn't feel so inferior to her.

Your Capricorn gal is a strict, demanding workaholic who is more successful than you are, so why do you love her? An overachiever since birth, she can spring you from jail if you make a misstep, introduce you to the right people or bankroll your internet business. Her values are solid and traditional and she doesn't have time to notice if you're spending too much time with the guys.

Your Aquarius Gal wants you to be her friend. You don't mind that at all but you'd sure like to know if she also wants you for a lover or a husband, but unfortunately she's never too clear in that regard. She has so many people in her life-and frankly they all seem so peculiar-that you are basically clueless about your relationship with her. That's ok, she'd be clueless too except she's too busy saving the world to worry about something as frivolous as romance.

It's nice to be with a woman who is smarter than you are and it's also nice finally to learn how to program your VCR, but what does it all really mean? She sends you ten e-mails a day, but you feel a little let down when each one contains jokes about stupid things men do. You know you're stupid, but hey does she have to remind you of it constantly? When she said she was going to take care of your cookies, you thought hey, she's going to come over in an apron and bake a treat and that means she cares, but all she did was fiddle with the files on your computer.

Your Aquarius gal is impossible to understand, never acts demure or romantic and makes you feel inept around anything electric, so why do you love her? She's smart and interesting, she cares about the rest of the world and she never falls apart like silly women do. She's capable and competent and she makes you feel glad you know her, even if you don't know what you're doing together.

Your Pisces Gal is as tender as a well-aged piece of prime rib, though don't you let her hear you comparing her to a piece of meat. You know how Paul Newman fared when his Pisces wife heard him compare her to steak! This is a sensitive and emotional woman, and no you will never, ever understand her. What you can do is offer her your hankie when she begins weeping uncontrollably. She has the weight of the world on her shoulders and she can't help feeling the pain of just about everyone and everything and that includes you. In fact she feels your pain more deeply than you do, but don't let her make you feel like a clod for not responding with tears to your own situation. She'll cry for you.

Don't expect to monopolize her time. She loves you but doesn't like to be hemmed in. She has too many people who want to share their tales of woe with her and the word no is seldom in her vocabulary. Likewise don't be mad when she can't balance the checkbook-or can't even find it. This woman isn't practical-she has you for those mundane tasks. She is ethereal, an angel who came to fill your life with music (and wayward derelicts in need of some TLC) so be appreciative.

Your Pisces gal is too busy feeling ever to think, she has never been able to explain a single decision she's ever made nor has she been on time once in thirty years. So why do you love her? She makes you feel big and strong and you can't help wanting to protect her from everything out there in the cold, cruel world. She reminds you of what's good about life, and what's sweet in heaven and even though you know you have no clue about what makes her tick, you enjoy the music that plays in your heart whenever you think of her cute, helpless ways.

Home Private Readings Contact Nancy