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Obsessive Love

Love is the force that drives the universe, and it's the greatest source of power that exists. Shouldn't it follow then that falling in love here on the earth plane should be simple and happy? That is certainly the ideal, and it may be true for a great many people, at least I hope so! Perhaps it's because of all the readings I do, but in my experience, people are more miserable over love than any other aspect of their lives. It seems that just about everyone who contacts me for a reading is having love life problems. Sometimes all that's needed is a bit of tweaking, a little behavior modification and then the person can go off and live that happy life with a special significant other. Those are my success stories and I'm always so overjoyed when I can see a turnaround and hear happy results.

Some clients come back again and again for readings about the same person. Years pass and he or she is still the subject of interest, whether there's a real relationship or not. These cases always fascinate me because I've been known to be a bit too obsessive myself. What is it about a person that would make him or her cling to a love object who isn't really a lover? At first I thought there would be a single planetary indicator. Being a Venus conjunct Neptune person myself, I thought maybe that was the answer, and it is certainly one pattern that can be part of an obsessive love picture, but not the only one.

Astrology, as always, is too complex for simplistic solutions. The more love obsessed clients I saw, the more planetary patterns emerged. It became a matter of looking at the people individually-always the right choice-and then seeing just what this approach to love was actually giving them. Because if you're desperately in love with someone who doesn't know you're alive, you are getting something from the entanglement, and it's important to know what this attachment is doing for you in order to understand the reasons why it's in your life.

The planets that describe the myriad patterns leading to obsessive love are Neptune, Uranus and Pluto, and sometimes Saturn plays a role too. But don't assume that they must aspect only the love planets Venus and Mars. All sorts of other planetary pictures can produce an obsession. And very often the purpose of the obsession has more to do with other factors than mere romance.

A romance novelist I know has been obsessed with a younger guy who lives thousands of miles away and he is the subject of all our readings. She has spent time in person with him, but it's always been as a casual friend rather than a lover, but still she can envision this great love story transpiring between them, something I can never encourage. Not only did he seem detached from her, he seemed uninterested in romance with anyone at all. Yet she was determined that there could be something between them, that in fact he was in love with her.

As a Libra with Sun conjunct Venus, we expect her to be romantic. And with Mercury conjunct Neptune, we think writing romance novels is a great idea. She has Mars sextile Saturn, and normally that would attract her to older men, or at least men her own age. It also makes her a hard worker, something a sextile to the Moon from Saturn confirms. But none of this would bring obsessive love. There's a wide Moon-Uranus opposition, and that's the most significant aspect for this situation. When Uranus challenges the Moon, it tends to make you want your own space. It's an aspect that discourages intimacy and traditional life.

So what's a romantic Libra to do with this sort of lunar picture? She's more likely to enjoy the fantasy of a pretend romance than the reality of a day to day marriage. But what we have to ask ourselves is why she would choose this planetary situation. The answer is not as simple as we might suspect. On a soul level, she comes from a position of not really trusting love, not being comfortable with romance. She comes from a position of being grounded and practical and in this life is trying to assimilate some of the Libra qualities of romance and the I-you dichotomy. But with some Karmic fears and uneasiness, she holds back.

Simply meeting someone and falling in love forever would be the ideal, although that wouldn't exactly be the stuff romance novels are made of! Romance novels are about the excitement, the peril and the impediments to happily ever after. Anything solid, predictable and commitment-oriented happens after the book ends! In this lifetime she's learning the feel, the smell, the tingles of romance, without actually buying into the whole 'till death us do part aspect of it. It is important for her to understand this about herself so she can find some happiness. If dreaming is an important part of your nature, go ahead and dream. We all have our individual quirks and it's a happier solution to accept them than to try to fit ourselves into a mold that's the wrong size.

Another writer I know is happily married to a good husband yet still obsesses about a man from her past. She has no desire to leave the marriage, but the thought of the other man is still compelling enough for her to seek out his company now and then in a casual way. This situation is described perfectly in her chart. She has a wide conjunction of Moon, Mercury and Saturn, opposed by Mars, making a T-square out through Neptune. The Moon-Saturn is lonely, the Mars opposition makes her more emotional and because the Mars is both opposed by Saturn and squared by Neptune, her libido is reduced and she's less inclined to take actual steps toward an affair. But as all that energy flows out through Neptune, it results in many romantic daydreams. Plus it's always interesting when Saturn and Neptune duel because the sense is that there are greater ideals that can never truly be manifested on the earth plane. Thus she looks to this other man to embody those unrealizable ideals, something she imagines is greater than her marriage could ever be.

There are other relevant and interesting aspects in her chart. First, oppositions to her Sun from Pluto and Uranus. The Pluto opposition would make her comfortable with power situations, and she enjoys being in the grips of this obsession, even though she's not terribly likely to act upon it. The Uranus oppostion makes her like the forbidden. And finally she has aspects to her Venus from Pluto, Jupiter and Neptune, indicating a high pleasure and love quotient.

In other words, flirting with the idea of love is her hobby, but she isn't the sort of person who would act out the idea in one or more affairs. The people who do that have hot Mars aspects, and that usually leads to actual events and interactions. The sort of inertia we see here is the perfect breeding ground for romantic obsession that doesn't actually go anywhere. In fact, it's clearly easier to be obsessed because it doesn't so much matter who the starring person in the fantasy is because it's more about the freedom to indulge in the guilty pleasure than the love for any specific significant other. What the obsession provides her is a way to spend time without actually using the time. It truly is fuel for inertia and in a way it is the escape valve for her life. She has books she wants to write that remain unwritten because her time is filled with the sweet sighs of romantic obsession. The guy she's chosen as her object of desire is irrelevant.

That is one prime feature of romantic obsession. It could as easily be one person as another and the person of choice is the wrong choice, so even if he or she were suddenly to become available, the person carrying the torch would quickly run in the other direction. As true as that is, it's still hard to convince a besotted client that if she had the guy, she wouldn't want him! That's why I always want to see the purpose of the obsession, so I can at least steer my client toward some self-awareness and help her see what she's actually getting from the obsession.

In another example, an office clerk is involved for more than a year in an affair with a coworker whom she loves, and he says he cares for her, but he is concurrently obsessed with another woman, who basically jerks him around, but whenever this woman snaps her fingers, he goes running, leaving my client singing the blues. When the other woman dumps him, he crawls back to my nice client and lets her bandage his wounded heart. There is absolutely no question that he is using her, and she knows this. She has taken him back numerous times and although she knows he deserves the boot, it's very hard for her to break free. Why is this?

First of all, we notice that this lucky lady has some very hot and sexy planets-a conjunction of Venus, Mars and Pluto, sextile Neptune. She radiates sexual energy and has no trouble finding partners-just trouble finding good partners! She has Sun conjunct Uranus, square Neptune. By itself a Sun-Uranus conjunction isn't so terrible. It can make you headstrong and a bit selfish, but so what, that never killed anyone. But with the Neptune square, that leads to all sorts of problems. What I have found in observing this aspect in action is a difficulty in drawing lines. It's hard to know just what behavior is acceptable, and with the Uranus aspect, it means that she will accept all sorts of behavior from other people without putting her foot down.

The only thing that would provide a saving grace would be a strong Moon because that would give the confidence and emotional stability to feel good about herself and to take care of her own needs. In this case, she has Moon in Gemini (always a bit unstable and ungrounded emotionally) opposite Saturn and T-square Pluto. With the Saturn opposition, there was a troubled childhood, a lack of the nurturing she needed, making it hard to form a solid emotional foundation. She feels lonely and needy, making it doubly hard to ditch a nasty lover because the fear is that nobody will ever want her again. And then as all that energy flows out through Pluto, there are the inevitable power struggles. The bottom line with pictures like this-she feels it's normal for other people to jerk her around and it's hard for her to have the confidence to say back off bozo to someone she loves because it's easier for her to love other people than herself.

In addition, we have to note that the object of her affection is himself involved in a Plutonian romance-power struggle. Since she has all this Pluto in her chart, it's only natural for her to attract people with a similar vibration. In her world, power struggles are an expected component of love and she attracts men with similar expectations. When Pluto is involved, the energy reaches a higher plane and great transformation is possible, but it's also just plain sexy and someone who radiates that Plutonian vibration is very hard to resist, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. When Pluto is involved, it always feels quite thrilling, like you're in the grips of something stronger than yourself, and the thrill of giving into it is similar to letting go and having an orgasm. No wonder it's so irresistible!

In a chart like this, interactions will always take place. She will not be someone who will sit at home dreaming of a lover. It's her Karmic task to learn that if she doesn't love herself, nobody else will and that she can't sacrifice herself on behalf of someone else's needs, particularly if that person doesn't deserve any sort of self-sacrificial consideration. In order to learn that, her nature inclines her to connect with romantic partners who will become the instrument for these life lessons.

This is the purpose in coming into the earth place with hot and sexy planets. Wouldn't it be nice if we could say wow, we're sex goddesses and that's enough! Unfortunately it's never true. Anyone who has intensely sexy planets has them because he or she will be working through Karmic issues involving love with other people. Most often a lot of planetary sex appeal will indicate Karma that requires risk taking and leads to emotional hurts. All that sex appeal is the necessary bait (as well as the driving urge) to attract those indispensable significant others into a life-defining situation. And as relationship after relationship unfurls, you're supposed to learn about your own choices, about your own foibles and to develop some grace under pressure and better choice making skills.

In another situation, a client was devastated over the loss of her lover of eight years. Although she had moved on physically into a marriage to a good and decent man, her heart was still in turmoil and she was semi-suicidal over the failed relationship. Not only was there no closure because of the abrupt (and undiscussed) end of the romance, she lost all her self esteem as a result of being abandoned.

This is a nice woman with very pretty yin planets. She has Moon widely conjunct Jupiter and Venus, and Venus trine Pluto and sextile Neptune. She is basically a cheerful and happy person who is nurturing and who can love deeply. With a yin picture like this, it's not surprising to hear of long-lasting and happy relationships. She also has Uranus trine her Moon, but with all the other pretty aspects, the Uranus trine will mainly give her independence and a nature that embraces change and new things.

Her yang picture is less sunny but not horrific. She is a Scorpio with Sun square Uranus and she has Mars opposite Saturn. We've already discuss the Sun-Uranus aspect, and have seen it several times before. Uranus will always be present in a life where there are sudden disruptions. That sounds negative but as always, every planet has its purpose and if your Karmic need is to develop personal strength and inner resolve, then disruptions are necessary to bring about the event that produces the growth. We can't say that Uranus in a chart produces personal strength and inner resolve, because those are not the personality traits that are most strongly evident. What we see in a person with a challenging Uranus aspect is quirkiness, tempestuousness or a tendency to live a life in which other people create disruptions. But the ultimate effect is that a person with this aspect will learn these qualities. That's why it's Karmic growth-the actual qualities may not become part of the soul until after the life is over.

For example, suppose you came into this life to learn some personal self-control where pleasure is concerned. So perhaps you're a bit of a cookie monster. Then you have to learn to modulate your consumption of cookies. If you didn't find cookies a temptation, then how could you learn to resist them? That is how Karmic growth works.

With the Mars-Saturn aspect, it's normal to feel that the problems are coming from other people. Any Mars oppostion from one of the outer planets will make you feel that someone else is causing things to happen in your life. Of course that's not really the case, because everything that happens, we choose, but it is the illusion under which people with that opposition all live.

In this case, my client is learning to develop independence and the ability to love herself apart from any love she receives from someone else. With a Sun square Uranus aspect we can always assume independence is the goal. If you have an easy aspect like a trine or sextile, you can assume that you are naturally relatively independent and you feel comfortable with your own autonomy. You may still dislike rules, but you have successfully assimilated this energy in a Karmic way. With the square, there is more a sense that other people have influence over you Karmically, so you have chosen that aspect to learn to assimilate this Uranian energy. It is like your firewall, keeping you safe. The planets with the hardest aspects represent energy that we haven't Karmically assimilated yet.

And because that Uranus square Sun aspect makes us behave so eccentrically, it may be that she did something to alienate her lover, something of which she is unaware and did not confide to me. But the lesson to be learned here is that you can't let your self-esteem and sense of self be fully contained in someone's opinion of you. To do so is the ultimate form of self-destruction. Clearly she has enough wherewithal to move on, into a new and better relationship, and her hysteria at the loss is another manifestation of Uranian energy. Like a child having a tantrum, she is flagellating herself with sadness over this loss. But because of her nice yin planets, there is hope she won't obsess forever and will opt for happiness once the self-flagellation gets boring.

One of my gay clients has been obsessed with an older man for more than two years. Despite the fact that their relationship consisted of only one date and a marginal, mostly-off friendship in which they are largely out of contact, he still is in love and won't let go. He buys presents, makes calls and books readings to ask if anything has changed. I never see the guy he loves involved with anyone-like a sad, wounded bird, he seems to prefer to remain out of the love game altogether, but my client won't let go and move on, which I always point out is a terrible shame considering all the love he has to give.

He has many nice yang aspects, including Sun conjunct Neptune, trine Saturn, and square Jupiter. He is quite spiritual and hard working and has achieved a good level of success. He also has Mars square Venus, giving him sex appeal, and trine Uranus (kinkiness and independence) and trine Pluto-more sex appeal plus stamina. There's no question that he could have a partner in his life.

He has Moon conjunct Pluto and trine Mars. Any Moon-Pluto contact has aspects of control as part of any relationship. With this aspect, you're so intensely involved with other people that it seems like they are a part of you-the connection is very, very strong. And of course a Mars trine makes you more emotional.

In this case, the client is enjoying the thrill of his uncontrollable passion-the obsession in question. But in no way does his chart indicate that he can't enjoy a real relationship, and he doesn't even have any of the typical stumbling blocks we've seen before. I would assume that the Pluto energies are appealing to him, and that's part of the reason why he's indulged for so long in this obsession. But it also seems to me there must be more at stake-perhaps he is working through abandonment or rejection issues with a parent in this obsession, although he has not confided those issues.

Generally speaking, with a Plutonian obsession, the tendency is to hold on, to keep renewing contact, to keep reaching out. Part of the thrill that goes along with a Pluto based obsession is control and being obsessed by someone who says no is thrilling because you feel that you're under that person's control and you yourself have no control in the situation. The flip side of that involvement is to keep reaching out in order to wrest away the control-to make the person love you-and thus to regain the power. Pluto obsessions are all about the thrill of the power, and the other person is merely the opponent.

A Neptunian obsession, on the other hand, is all about the ideal. In that sort of obsession, the payoff is the cozy feeling of fantasizing about a perfect love, that ethereal, unreachable height of love so profound that only the angels really understand it. In a Neptunian obsession, the other person is merely the hanger on which all the illusions are hung. That's why it's much better in a Neptunian obsession to be enamored of someone who is in no way in your life. If he or she were actually in the bedroom, this person would never be able to live up to the romantic illusions you've created.

Neptunian obsessions exist often to help the person get through the day. I know a career woman who has been obsessed for years about a guy from her past. She's been in and out of relationships, but the main thrust of her life has been her work. Because she has some Libra planets, she can't just be all work and no play, so this obsession with a guy long gone gives her some private moments of fantasy that fuel her imagination and set her free to go back to work. The fact that he's not in her life is the benefit rather than the liability because if he were waiting in the bedroom, she might have to give up time usually spent working.

One thing I've never seen in a reading is a client obsessed with someone who turns out to be a viable partner and who eventually will come into his or her life. The thrill is always in the longing or the misery or the fantasy of true love. It's never about the bad luck of loving someone who is callous, unavailable or off on the South Seas. Obsessive love is always about the person doing the loving, and for all it matters, the object of their affections might as well be a movie star. People do get crushes on movie stars but we regard that with either amusement (if you joke about the crush and have no expectations) or concern for their sanity (if you expect to meet and marry the star and be whisked away to a Beverly Hills mansion).

If you tend toward romantic obsession, it doesn't hurt to apply some rules to your behavior and to monitor yourself:

Let go of people who aren't in your life. It never helps to sit waiting for someone and no matter how strong the urge to daydream about this wonderful person, don't do it. Of course it's hard to let go, but if you refuse to give time over to thinking about him or her, you've saved some time and are on your way to recovery. If you want to daydream, use someone else as your fantasy-a movie star or someone you make up-that's much healthier. Besides, once you stop envisioning a fantasy future with this person, it leaves a hole in your life and might even prompt you to find someone who actually will be in your life.

If someone treats you badly, ditch him or her. If you've allowed a partner a second chance, and you're still being jerked around, well hey, say adios. You'll find someone else. And if you're clinging because of terror at being alone, force yourself to confront that terror by actually being alone. Yes, you'll eat too much chocolate, but when it's over you'll be free of the fear and will meet someone better because at last you'll realize you have options.

Be honest about what's really going on in your life. Once you admit why you need this obsession, you probably won't need it any more. And if you see that it's preventing you from living a happier life, you will want to choose the happiness. Sometimes all you need is to open your eyes.

Be honest about the object of your affections. It's better to see that he or she's a bit of a jerk but you're in love anyway than to delude yourself into believing this lover is the greatest human since Adam. If you're convinced he or she's your only path to true love, that's just fear of abandonment and rejection talking, so confront those fears and you will be far more likely actually to find true love. We all have more than one soulmate and more than one potential person with whom to share true love. Nobody is your one and only last chance.

Take the significant other out of the equation. Once you remind yourself that it's not about this person you're so hooked on, you can face your issues more squarely. Even though you may not believe it now, if you're prone to obsession, you'd be obsessed over someone else if you didn't have this particular person. It's much easier to address the compulsion when you've admitted it's not about the person you love.

Monitor your misery. A grieving period is normal in any breakup, but if grief is your whole life, then it's time to take charge of your life and yourself. Focus on healing yourself by doing things that get you out of the house and away from the atmosphere that keeps you stewing in your own juices.

Obsessive love is a very unhealthy thing and it's not positive in any way. Although it does "give" you something in terms of personal growth, it's always worthwhile to learn to release obsessions of any kind at all. Obsession never leads to happiness and we all deserve better in our lives.

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