I remember one Christmas not too long ago
we got lost in the woods and freezing snow
In the Maryland forest and winter chill
not far from that place they call Burkittsville.
It was James, and Melissa, and little ole me
out hunting for a decent holiday tree,
we strayed deep in the woods quite unaware
that something or someone was lurking there.

We marched around blindly without a map
Because James left it in his sister's backpack
so we walked on and on in circles forever
at least no one whined like the first movie’s Heather.
But up in the trees we saw a terrifying sight
twigs and sticks tied together to scare us all white
done up they were like a little Christmas wreath
What did you expect, a stick figure complete?

"We’re going to die out here soon," James then spoke
I replied, "Sooner than that if I can find me some rope,
because you are the reason we’re lost hopelessly
in a place that’s more suitable for Jason or Freddy."
We crossed the same brook not once, but twice
And Melissa muttered something that wasn't very nice
we kept walking and returning to the same place
that I got so mad, I punched James in the face.

We started fighting, and hitting, and rolling around
not even realizing the sun had gone down,
then Melissa exclaimed in true feminine form,
"Oh just great, I'm stuck with you two losers til morn!"
Suddenly not far off a sound could be heard
and we hushed rignt away, not speaking a word;
It sounded like bells coming through the tall trees
followed by mad laughter between a quick sneeze.

"What is that? What is that!" Melissa did scream
I replied, "Get a grip girl, it's just a reindeer team!"
and I tried to get it on tape, but I couldn't see
because someone's fat head was in front of me.
"Get out of my way, James!" I quickly spoke
"This is cooler than any other Blair Witch joke."
and as it flew overhead, the reindeer and sleigh
I said, "Quick, come on, it's getting away!"

We ran through the woods, cameras shaking like hell
that I got a big headache, and my eyes hurt as well;
we could hear that crazy laughter leading us on
that we didn't even realize that James was now gone.
"James!" we called out just as loud as we could
but everything grew quiet in those spooky old woods;
"Maybe the witch got him," I said with some hype
like a dumb movie trailer on a Saturday night.

We called for him again so loud and so clear,
and we heard him screaming, he seemed very near,
"Hold on, James!," we yelled, breaking into a run
wishing we had some grenades and maybe a gun.
We burst into a clearing to see an old shack
with a reindeer and sleigh up on the chimney stack.
So we ran inside ready to rescue dumb James
who was holding a playstation 2 along with a few games.

And there right beside him in a big red suit
was an old man with a beard and some cool combat boots;
James screamed again, "Hey guys look what I got!
On Ebay these things are selling for a lot!"
The old guy let out the mad laugh we had all heard
and I glanced at Melissa who looked quite perturbed;
Then Santa came forward and gave us a "ho-ho-ho"
handing us some presents wrapped up in a bow.

"Well kids, I gotta go, the children await
and Rudolph sometimes, well, he can get quite irate."
Santa smiled big and went up the chimney
as I opened the gift he just handed to me.
Now we all got nice presents, but that's not the point here,
in this story I tell at this time of year;
for when Santa got in his sleigh on top of the shack,
we wondered if maybe he'd give us a lift back.

But with his jolly laugh and jingle bells,
he was off into the trees just a-cussin' the elves,
who'd given him the wrong map to Whoville street
putting him down in this forest where film crews compete.
But what I'm trying to say to you is just this,
don't worry your head none about the Blair Witch;
because it's only Santa, and he's lost as you,
stuck in these damn woods for another sequel or two.